Why Humans Make Bad Pets!

Xeno hulk-suit dodgeball is awesome II

“YOU WILL STAND AT ATTENTION WHEN I ENTER, PRIVATE!” Triv winced at the volume, which Blatvec considered a complement, but it was nothing to Human’s reaction. Before Blatvec had even gotten a fourth of the way through his order the short alien jumped up from the bed while still in the lower bunk, slamming his head against the metal frame of the upper bunk – denting it considerably – then scrambling out in a flurry of action, only to end standing in a ridiculous posture with one of his hands held to his forehead.

It was undeniably a military attention stance, though unusual and sloppy. Blatvec forgot himself for a moment as the immediate question leapt to his lips. “Have you served in an army before?”

Human seemed relieved by the change of tone, visibly letting out an impressive quantity of air in a massive sigh, “No, sir, I just watched ‘Full Metal Jacket’ more times than was strictly healthy and it seemed the right thing to do. Do you mind if I ask you how it is you’re channeling R. Lee Ermey and speaking English, with a beautiful Midwestern accent I might add?”

Blatvec knew the translator was working, but aside from the fact that the answer had ultimately been “No” was unable to understand the rest of what Human had said. He had already taken a deep breath to tell Human it didn’t matter how they could suddenly understand each other when Human’s eyes – flaring with recognition – alight upon Dr. Triv.

“d**k, is that you? Don’t deny it it’s obviously you; why else would I be feeling such an overwhelming feeling that I’m in the presence of an asshole? You knew those Ant-Lizards would jump to light-speed the moment they realized their cover was blown, didn’t you? You wanted me to not come back from that fight. Bet you were thrilled that you killed two birds with one stone, weren’t you? Before I show you just how vulgar I can be when insulting someone in an immature manner, how are Mama, Dink, and the rest of the Blue-Giraffes?”

Blatvec had thought he had been confused before. He had been mistaken. Now he was confused. d**k? Why did he feel as though he was near an excremental orifice? Weren’t they all? What were “Ant-Lizards” and why were they under cover? How was the blowing of Ant-Lizard cover in any way related to the efficient killing of avians with rocks? Who were “Dink” or “Blue-Giraffes” and how were they connected to Human’s mother? He had thought a translator would provide an enlightening experience but so far it had only made things worse. Maybe there was a reason this creature had never had a translator.

He had forgotten what he had been about to say, and Dr. Triv spoke into the ensuing silence.

“It’s equally disappointing to see you again. I had thought I’d managed to rid the Directorate of a minor nuisance but it seems I was unsuccessful. As to your Vzk’tk friends, your parting gift was sufficient to discover the appropriate inoculations. They are healthy and left the facility a week or so ago. I assume by your unwelcome presence amongst the living that you were successful in what I sent you to do?”

Human scowled. A joviality which Blatvec only noticed through its absence drained from Human. He seemed to fold in upon himself, becoming even smaller than he already was. “Yes. Although I don’t know if I should have.”

Blatvec had long ago given up any pretense of actually following the conversation, and hoped Triv could answer coherently for him. Thankfully, he did.

“ ‘Should have’? What do you mean?”

Now Human was glaring at the doctor in a way that even Blatvec was happy he wasn’t the one speaking.

“I mean, I just let you point me at some aliens, say ‘kill’, and I just went without a word! Sure, you gave me a reason that made it sound like the right thing to do, but I didn’t know if you were telling the truth. All I had as evidence was a dead Ant-Lizard and your word that he was trying to overthrow the government and that a groupe of his buddies were hanging right outside the station. For all I knew they could have been a supply ship and you had told them to wait there and Ant-Lizard Shifty just decided to go bat-s**t crazy at that same time. Heck, you could have even ordered Shifty to do what got him killed. The point is I didn’t think; I just pulled out the ol’ lava sword and went to work. Just started killing beings, people, without even taking a moment to wonder if I should. What kind of monster does that? I’d call myself a phsyco or a sociopath except I can’t quite remember the technical definitions for them, but I’m pretty sure you’re a messed up dude if you think one of them should apply to you.”

Triv tried to ask Human to stop shouting, but couldn’t stem the flow of words.

“And now it’s even worse! Now I don’t even have you to give me a reason for what I’ve been doing for this past however-long-I’ve-been-in-this-f*****g-army period of time. I just have a hope I made up entirely in my head that one day I might be able to get home if I stay here long enough, which is apparently enough for me to unburden myself of my weak and dying conscience so I can go chop some more people up. I’ve even made a game out of it; seeing how many I can take out before my squad manages to pommel someone’s shield down. What’s worse, I usually manage to go for about a half an hour before they even manage their first kill. It’s like the moment I realized I was so powerful up here I said ‘Alright! Now I can live all the sick twisted fantasies I’ve always had about recreating the c*****e of World War One!’ The truth of what I was doing hadn’t even entered my slow mind until I was confronted face-to-face with my actions. I used to be fine with being this army’s bulldozer, but I’m not anymore. If you want me to keep fighting, then you’re going to have to tell me what it is I’ve been fighting for that could possibly justify the grief I’ve already caused to people.”

A ringing silence followed Human’s speech. A shuffle from behind alerted Blatvec to the crowd that had gathered behind him and Dr. Triv, drawn toward the yelling. With a sharp gesture he dismissed the spectators. Triv once again answered. “Wait, you’re not angry with the fact that you’re killing sapient beings, but rather that you’re doing it without a good enough reason to ease you guilty conscience?” a wheezing chuckle rose from somewhere in Triv’s chest. “For a moment I thought were becoming the first of your kind to see your own savagery, but instead you’re just angry someone took your little lie away from you.”

“Savagery?”

Blatvec could tell the Corti’s words were doing nothing to calm Human, but the little grey being continued implacably.