Start From Zero

My Worst Nightmare

Jen

Mum is really happy with the news that I am able to send the required money soon. She is definitely over the moon and can't wait to get that done and move in. She starts to plan what she will need to do before she move in like painting, decorations and where to put the furniture and what new ones that she need in order to make it look nice for when I get home. What we don't expect is the turn of the event which cause us soo much heartache.

One morning two weeks later my sister rang me to let me know that mum is not feeling too good and had been admitted to the hospital. She said that mum complain that she is having difficulty in breathing so they went to the hospital for a check up. I got really worried about the news as mum is getting older now and with previous experience I just can't take the chance.

So I call my boss and let him know that I need to go fly home that day. Soon after I put the phone down, I rang the travel agency and book one ticket just for myself as my husband can't get any days off at the moment. I manage to get a flight tickets and the departure time is in three hours time so I need to pack quick and leave in order to get to the airport on time. My boss arrived ten minutes after I inform him and he offered to give me a lift to Heathrow airport which is reallykind of him.

Halfway to the airport I receive a call that shattered my whole world down. To me that moment is the end of the world. My sister called me from the hospital telling me that our mum passed away 5 minutes ago.

MY MUM JUST DIED!!!

My brain suddenly froze as I could not process the information.

I drop the phone that I am holding and start feeling very dizzy. I am having a hard time breathing. Oxygen refused to go through my veins due to shock. I am in soo much pain that moment that I completely refuse to accept the news. My worst nightmare had finally arrived after ten years of surviving cancer.

I start mumbling to myself and keep screaming why oh why to God but there is no answered from my surrounding. My boss start panicking when he saw the blood is draining from my face after I dropped my phone. He kept asking me what is wrong but I am on the verge of shutting down myself so I could not answered him even though I tried.

I ask God why is he so heartless to take her away now?

Why did he not give her a bit more time at least till I managed to grant her only wish?

Why can't he just wait for another few months till she moved to her own place where she could called her own?

I ask the same questions again and again with no stopping to the tears that kept falling. In my heart I really do know why, just that I am not willing to accept it.

You see, ten years ago while mum is battling cancer in the hospital I almost lost her that one particular night when the doctor told me to be prepared for the worst. I get down on my knees and pray like I never pray before. I told God that I am willing to cut short ten years of my life in exchange to hers. Just give her extra times as she haven't got a chance to enjoyed anything yet in her life except for laboring away every waking minutes of her life.

Miraculously she got stronger and better after that night. Even the doctor is very amazed and impressed. The doctor did said there are nothing more that they could do and they haven't done yet so what I could do is to be prepared for the worst and pray. And that is exactly what I am doing.

In my heart I know ten years are up and I need to get her the flat soon but I am still too late. I blame myself for that. I really do till now. After that heartbreaking news, I build a hard wall around me and I tried very hard to erased that part from my memories. My brain refused to accept it even though the tears kept flowing freely down.

I arrived at the airport at last and I check in. My boss said his condolences and told me to take care. I thank him for giving me a ride which is very kind of him. I boarded the plane and believe me that is the longest trip I ever felt in my entire life. Nine hours flight journey seems like eternity. I just wish I would be there when she needed me the most and not far away in a foreign country. I blame myself for not able to say our last goodbyes.