The Air I Breathe (Student x Teacher)

The numbness was worse than any pain. For Ruby, it was like living her life through a third person's point of view and watching herself from a distance- disconnected from her own thoughts and emotions. Dissociation was a survival mechanism her brain used to protect her, but it didn't just go away when the danger was over; no, her mind continued to protect her from the pain that would no doubt be unleashed if she were to feel again. It wasn't a way to live, since she wasn't living at all. She was simply existing, roaming the earth as if she were the walking dead, no purpose or destination in mind. But she was a better actress than any other you'd see on TV, hiding her numbness well with laughter, and sometimes... one might even think she was happy. Happiness was something she hadn't felt in a long time, and she had grown tired of pretending. Her smile had stopped convincing those around her, her fake laughter only saddened them, and so she gave up on trying to make everyone else believe she was okay. There was one thing that did make the cold go away, however, and it came in the form of a white powder that would eventually make its way into her bloodstream. "Hey, look at me!" Catalina shouted after Ruby, following her out of the rehab center that'd be her home for the next three months. "Please, love, can you please just stop for a moment?" "Cat, why did you follow me to Chicago?" Ruby asked, swiveling around to look at the blonde with eyes that almost shown sadness— almost. "I just... I want you to get better, I had to make sure you wouldn't get any worse." Catalina croaked, tears beginning to sting her blue eyes as she blinked at an emotionless Ruby. "Look at you, you're so empty, a-and I feel like you're going to disappear one day. Do you know how terrified I am of that?" "Sometimes, it feels as if you're already gone." She sobbed, burying her face into her hands, her cries full of pain and heartache as she gasped for air. "I just want to see you smile again, I want to see your eyes shine like they used to, and I want you to love me like you once did. Y-you don't look at me the same, and I know it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fact that you don't feel anything anymore." Silence hung between them as Ruby simply gazed at her, her words were nothing but the truth and she couldn't deny it. She was empty, a shell of herself, and she didn't recognize who she'd become. How could she when she could barely recognize her loved ones, who seemed as strange to her as herself? All she did was hurt them, which is why she decided to leave and let herself be thrown into rehab. She couldn't hurt them if she was no longer with them, and they could rest easier knowing she was getting the help she needed to overcome her addiction instead of constantly worrying she'd end up in a ditch somewhere. Everything she did was for them, when she should've been doing it for herself. "I'm sorry that I can't be here with you, you don't know how badly I want to be." Ruby whispered, taking a step towards Catalina, who couldn't seem to stop the tears from running down her face. "Where I need to be right now is alone, so I can't hurt you anymore and I can try to get better." "I'll get better." Then she took the blonde's face in her hands, taking in those eyes she loved so much, a breathtaking blue that sparkled like shards of glass bouncing off the ocean surface. She was nothing but pure, hence why Ruby had suggested the name Catalina when she was barely transitioning, which meant exactly that. Pure. It killed her to not be able to connect to her on an emotional level, not even as she pressed her lips to hers in a soft and gentle kiss. Ruby knew she loved Catalina, she was her first love after all, but all she felt was a pair of lips against her own. Catalina's lip began to tremble as Ruby pulled away, wiping away the tears that still ran down Cat's cheeks, who couldn't even smile at the fact that the woman she loved had just kissed her- not even her kisses were the same. No longer were they loving and warm, but cold and far away, just like the expression she currently wore. Ruby ran a hand through Cat's blonde hair affectionately, trying to wish away the barrier between them, which seemed like a glass wall that she'd put up between her and the world. It was nerve-racking to feel detached from everyone and anything, she couldn't bond with her loved ones anymore, but for that to also happen with Cat... She wished she could feel some type of way about it. Cat was the most beautiful girl she'd ever laid eyes on, she could appreciate how lovely she was even now... standing there in her frilly white mini dress with pink flowers printed onto it. The top half of her hair was pulled back by a matching pink bow, a couple of loose pieces framing her soft and fairy-like features. There was a dainty and elegant quality to her, she looked like a porcelain doll that should never be touched; but Ruby had gotten her hands on that doll, and she'd broken it. Now, she was breaking her for the last time, and little did she know that she'd be shattering her completely— to the point of no return. "I love you, Cat, please don't forget that and I'm sorry I made you doubt it." Ruby said, frowning slightly before giving a deep sigh. "You're my best friend, the best I could've asked for and I'm sorry for hurting you." "It's okay, honey, I-I just want to to get better. That's all I want, because seeing you destroy yourself is the only thing that's hurting me." Cat murmured, wiping at her tears before pulling Ruby into a hug, wrapping her arms tight around the girl and burying her face into her wild hair. She breathed in Ruby's scent, and wondered if it was the last time she would be smelling her coconut and lemongrass aroma. Her scent had never changed, not in the seven years she'd known her, and Cat began to smile when Ruby breathed in her own scent of roses. Catalina's life had revolved around Ruby since the day they met, her only purpose became to save her from herself and all of those who tried to hurt her. To be fair, Ruby had also lived her life protecting Catalina, fighting off her abusers that couldn't even begin to understand her. Cat had kept a big secret from Ruby for the past two years, not willing to put her under anymore stress than she was already coping with. If she knew, it'd break her, and how could she tell her... How could she tell her that she was dying? The only reason she kept fighting to live was because of Ruby, she couldn't leave her alone in this world, but what Ruby wanted was to be alone. Cat could already feel her strength leave her as she pulled away from the short girl, who'd been as much a light in her life as she'd been in hers. By letting Ruby go, she was letting go of herself. "I should go... before it starts raining." Catalina said, looking up at the stormy sky, just as thunder echoed somewhere in the distance. She looked into Ruby's golden eyes one last time, "I love you." "I love you more." Ruby said sweetly. If I didn't know any better, I'd believe you, Catalina thought.  "Drive safe, Cat, and pull over if the weather gets too bad." "Until next time." Catalina whispered, pulling away completely and giving Ruby one last longing gaze. Then she turned and rushed down the steps before another stream of tears appeared, heading towards her car with Ruby watching her every move. It was then that rain began to descend upon the earth, but all Ruby could do was watch Catalina get into her car and drive away without a second look back. She was unaware that this was the last time she'd see Cat healthy, that the illness she'd fought against years ago would come back and claim her. Minutes passed until Ruby could finally move, simply thinking about the look in Catalina's eyes without realizing that the rain had soaked her. She tilted her face up at the sky and closed her eyes, letting the warm June rain pour down on her until it became almost violent. A deep breath left her lips as the once gentle rainfall began to feel like needles piercing her skin, and she found pleasure in feeling pain instead of nothing at all. Then she felt a shadow loom over her, and the rain stop. "Hail is going to start falling soon." A deep and husky voice said, causing her to open her eyes and see that she was looking up at a black umbrella. That's when small pieces of ice began to fall onto the ground, causing her to look down and watch them shatter at her feet. The stranger chuckled, "It stressed me out watching you out here, knowing your face could be rearranged at any moment." "Thank you." Ruby hummed numbly, before turning to look at the man who had saved her from an unpleasant experience. "I apprecia-" Their eyes locked, jarring them both so hard they flinched.