A Love To Die For

Chapter 7

I had thought that the end of the church service would be the worst part of today, I was wrong. As soon as we arrived at McSharry’s, my parents and I were bombarded with people, all of them once again expressing how sorry they were and offering advice on how we get through this. I quietly stood behind my parents, hoping that none of them would notice me, but I wasn’t that lucky. “Don’t blame yourself, Nina.” Or “I’m sure you wish you could turn back time.” They would say. I would smile sadly at them and nod my head when what I really wanted to do was scream and tell them all to f**k off.

As soon as I could, I left my parents’ side, got myself a cola, and found a quiet place to sit down. I find myself praying for this day to be over already. As I look around the Irish bar, and all of the people in here, I am taken back to my childhood. My parents used to bring me here every Friday after school. My parents would drink while I did my homework and ate some potato chips. At first, I enjoyed it, it made me feel cool and grown up, but as I got a little older, I began to hate it. I began seeing how the drink affected my parents, making them act differently than they usually did. I longed to be like the other kids in school, the ones who would go home for dinner and watch movies with their families. Thankfully, it stopped when Bobby came along. As soon as I was old enough, my parents left me home with Bobby so they could come here. Only then did Friday nights become my favourite; I created the movie nights that I had longed for.

As I scan the room, my eyes fall onto Bianca and Jacob. They are sitting together in the corner of the room, having what looks like a heated discussion. I watch them for some time, wondering what it is that they have to argue about. Neither of them has noticed me watching them. In fact, neither of them has even bothered to come find me. This realisation makes me feel a little angry. Are they a couple now or something? I stand from my seat and walk over to where they are sitting. I have a lot to talk about with both of them, so, why not here and now?

“What are you two arguing about?” I ask, completely startling both of them.

“Nina.” Smiles Bianca. “We weren’t arguing. How are you doing?”

“Don’t try to change the subject. You know very well how I am doing. What were you arguing about?”

“Nina, please, sit down. You don’t want to make a scene here.” Says Jacob.

I pull the small stool out from under the table and sit facing them. I raise my eyebrows, letting them both know that I am waiting for my answer.

“Nina, it was nothing. I promise. I had told Jacob about the animal that jumped out in front of your car. Jacob agrees that it was probably just a deer, but I have another theory now.”

“What is it?”

I look at Bianca expectantly, but she keeps glancing at Jacob, as if asking his permission to speak.

“Bianca!” I shout, making her jump, and causing a few people to look our way.

“I…I can’t really speak about it here.”

“What do you mean? Why are you so full of secrets lately?”

“Nina, it’s just hard to explain.”

“Well, you can at least try. The night of the accident, you wanted to tell me something. What was it?”

She looks at Jacob once again and he frowns and shakes his head. It was slight, meant in a way that I wouldn’t notice, but I did.

“If you two don’t tell me what the hell is going on, I am seriously done with the both of you. Don’t you think you have hurt me enough?”

“Nina, calm down. There are certain things that you are just better off not knowing.” Whispers Jacob.

I roll my eyes and send him the most evil glare I can manage.

“Oh, f**k off, Jacob.” I growl. “I thought we had made up, Bianca, but I guess I was wrong. Best friends don’t treat each other like this.”

I stand from my stool and run into the restroom. I feel like crying again, but not because I am sad, because I am beyond frustrated. How can those two treat me this way? What could they possible have to keep from me? I don’t see why some clumsy animal is such a big issue.

I splash my face with cold water, trying to slow my thoughts. I jump with a fright when I stand up and see Bianca’s reflection in the mirror. How did I not hear her coming in?

“Nina, please don’t push me away. You have to believe me when I say that I wish I could tell you everything, but I can’t. It’s nothing to do with you though, I promise, Nina.”

“You’re right there; everything is always about you, isn’t it, Bianca? I’m sorry, but I can’t be friends with someone that I don’t know or trust. Bye, Bianca.”

I run out of the restroom and to the end of the bar, where my Dad always sits.

“Dad, is it ok if I go home now?” I ask, the emotion obvious in my voice.

“Everything alright?”

“Yeah, I’m just really tired and sore.” I lie.

“Alright then. Do you want me to call you a cab?” He asks, inhaling some of his beer.

“No, I’m fine, I’ll just walk.”

“See you at home then. Be safe.”

I turn on my heel and beeline for the door. I notice Jacob standing at his table, watching me with dark eyes as I leave the dark bar. The fresh air pinches my cheeks, and I realise just how hot and stuffy it was inside. I walk at a leisurely pace, not feeling in any way rushed to get home. I can’t imagine how empty and lifeless the house is going to feel without Bobby. It was always me and him there, never me by myself. The onslaught of emotions from today hit me all at once. My warm tears freefall down my cold cheeks as I stare at the ground.

“Nina, wait up!”

I quickly wipe my tears away, recognising Jacob’s voice. Why does he have to follow me? He obviously isn’t going to tell me anything about what he knows, and quite frankly, there’s nothing else for us two to talk about anymore. I keep walking, knowing that my pace is slow enough for him to catch up. He stops running beside me, not even out of breath.

“What do you want, Jacob?”

“What I want, is for you to not hate me, Nina. I also want for you to believe me, believe that I am trying to protect you by not telling you certain things.”

“Since when have lies ever protected anyone?” I retort.

He sighs heavily, probably realising that I’m not going to just let this go. He has known me for long enough to know that I am stubborn.

“It’s fine if you don’t believe me, actually, as long as you are happy and safe. That’s all that matters to me.”

“Happy? On what Earth would I be considered happy? I lost the only person that truly loved me, and what’s worse is that it was all my fault. My best friend and my boyfriend betrayed me and are now lying to me about something. My parents don’t even care about me. I have nothing left, Jacob. There’s nothing on this Earth that will make me as happy as Bobby did. So, either tell me what you and Bianca were arguing about or leave me alone.”

“I’m sorry, Nina, I really am. I wish I could turn back time and take back all of the mistakes I made, but I can’t. I hope that you can forgive me one day.”

I grunt in response, unsure of whether or not I ever will forgive him. We dated for two years, and now, when I look at him, it feels like I am looking at a stranger. How can that happen?

“Can I at least walk you home?” He asks, his voice soft and begging.

“No.”

“Nina…”

“I said no, Jacob. I am perfectly capable of getting myself home. Why don’t you just go back to Bianca and continue your private conversation.”

He stops in his tracks suddenly, as if I had hit him with something. I keep walking though, my eyes fixed on the ground, my feet moving a little faster than before. I just want to get away from here. I want to escape this town and the people in it, I want to escape my life. I want to be someone else.

I turn a corner and lift my eyes to realise that I am once again on Cardinal Drive. Why does this street have to be so close to my home? I cannot bear to come down it this often, relive the accident over and over again. I freeze on the footpath and study the faint tyre marks that still stain the road. In a trance, I walk out onto the street, not bothering to look for traffic, and walk to where I assume the car finally stopped. Any stranger walking down this street would never know what happened here. How can such a tragic event be erased so easily?

On the opposite side of the road there is a lush forest. I walk onto the grass, up the hill and look out among the trees. There are no footprints in the soil, no clues about what kind of animal I hit that night. I sigh with resignation and turn around to continue my journey home. But, before I take a step, something catches my eye. Something large and brown, an animal that looks terribly similar to the one that jumped in front of my car. I begin running, trying my best to dodge through the trees and avoid tripping on the debris of the forest floor. I stumble on a tree root, causing my line of vision to fall to the ground. As soon as I stand back up, the animal is gone, nowhere to be seen.