A Love To Die For

Chapter 6

It’s finally the day that I get to go home, not that I am particularly looking forward to it. My parents didn’t arrive until after dinner, and I can’t help but think that maybe they weren’t looking forward to me coming home either. Bobby’s funeral is tomorrow. A knot forms in my stomach every time that I think about it. A large part of me doesn’t want to go; I cannot stand the thought of everyone that loved Bobby looking at me with disgust. Maybe that’s what I deserve though, it was my fault after all.

I pack the small number of items that were brought in for me in a bag. I look around the room and sigh. This room feels like it has become my home over these last few days. I went through a rollercoaster of emotions here, I made a friend in Maria, but most of all, I felt safe. Safe from the real world, the reality of what life will now be like, and the judgement of others. My body still aches as I leave the room, but thanks to the medication that I received and the rest that I managed to get, the pain is now bearable.

When I appear in the hospital corridor, my parents simply start walking towards the exit and I follow behind them. When we reach the elevator, my Dad takes my bag, but no words are exchanged. Both of my parents look like shells of the people they used to be, hollow on the inside and exhausted on the outside. I don’t imagine I look much better.

The drive home is awkward to say the least. But, as we turn onto Cardinal Drive, my whole body begins to shake, flashes of the accident clouding my mind. Words can’t describe how I feel. The pain of regret and the longing to turn back time and change everything. Knowing that it’s impossible is the most painful part. I cry silently in the back seat, hoping that my parents don’t realise. I couldn’t manage to speak right now.

When we pull into our garage, I immediately run inside and up to my bedroom, leaving my parents behind, probably confused by my sudden need to run. I dive under my covers and hug Bonnie close to my chest. Bobby always loved my stuffed rabbit. I’ve had her since I was born, and any time she would go missing, I was sure to find her in Bobby’s bedroom. I hold her, and I think of Bobby. My tears come in violent waves, my body convulsing as it tries to expel the grief. I welcome the sleep as my eyes become heavy, and my exhausted body refuses to spasm any longer.

---

“Nina, wake up.”

I open my eyes and look at my Dad with a confused expression.

“We have to get ready for the funeral, Nina. Up you get.”

For the first time in what feels like forever, my Dad leans over and kisses my forehead. I melt under his touch, wishing that it were something I got to feel more often. When he stands back up, I realise that I he is already dressed in his suit. Is it really that late? Have I slept in on the day of my brother’s funeral?

“What time is it, Dad?”

“It’s 10am. We have to leave in an hour.”

“Okay, Dad. I’ll be ready.”

As soon as my Dad leaves my room, I get out of bed and groan as I try to move my stiff body. I can’t believe this day has actually come. Part of me hoped that it would never come, that I would somehow be able to magically avoid it.

“One thing at a time.” I tell myself.

Bobby is my Angel now, and with him by my side, I can get through anything. All I need to focus on for now, is having a shower and getting dressed. Then, I can worry about whatever follows.

I turn the water on extra hot, hoping that the heat will help loosen up my sire muscles. I force myself to stand under the burning water, the pain on my skin preparing me for the pain that I will surely feel for the rest of the day, and the rest of my life.

Stepping out of the shower, I got back to my bedroom and search for the only black dress that I know I have. I pair it with some black flats and a cardigan. I don’t have the time necessary to tame my brown curls, but I decide to leave my hair down anyway. I may need somewhere to hide later. I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder how on Earth I got here. How can one small decision completely change the course of your life?

“Nina, time to go!” Shouts my Dad.

I sling my handbag over my shoulder and walk towards my bedroom door. With my hand on the knob, I turn back around. Bobby deserves a parting gift, and Bonnie is one that I know he would love. Maybe he can cuddle her in heaven. I pick my stuffed rabbit up off my bed and bury my nose in her soft fur. She smells mostly like me, but there is a hint of Bobby’s scent there too.

“I know you will look after Bobby and keep him company.” I whisper to the soft toy. “I’ll miss you.”

My Dad is waiting at the bottom of the stairs when I come down. He pulls me in for a brief hug, and I am once again taken aback by his affection.

“You’re bringing Bonnie?” He asks.

“Bobby loved her as much as me. I figured he could have her now.” I shrug.

“That’s very sweet, Nina. Let’s go. Your Mom is already in the car.”

When I get into the back of the car, my Mom is already sobbing in the passenger’s seat. I put my hand on her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her, but she doesn’t react. Though we don’t have a great relationship, she is still my Mother, and I will always feel guilty for putting her through this pain. I sit back in my seat and work on subduing my own tears. If I start now, I may never stop, and we still have the whole day to get through.

The drive to the church is quick, quicker than I would have liked it to be. Thankfully, it was organised that we arrive earlier than the rest of the guests. That way, we have a chance to see Bobby and say our goodbye’s in private. The silence inside the church has both an eerie and peaceful feeling. I follow my parents up the aisle, and a priest who I hadn’t even noticed, stands from the front row of seats.

“Hello Mr and Mrs Bradshaw, Nina.” He smiles in greeting. “Allow me to express my deep condolences on your tragic loss. The door to the chapel is open, take as long as you need.”

My Dad shakes the priest’s hand and leads my Mom over to the small door located at the side of the church. My heartbeat accelerates as we get closer to the room that houses my brother’s body. Am I really prepared to see him? My Dad opens the door and my Mom begins to sob loudly. My own breath catches in my throat when I see his brown hair peeking over the edge of the oak coffin.

I stand back and watch as my parents lean over his tiny body, their tears falling into the coffin with him. I cry in silence, allowing them to have their moment with their son. An eternity seems to pass as I wait for my turn to say goodbye. I simultaneously want to be closer to him, turn and run the other way. Eventually, my Dad pulls my Mom away from the coffin and leads her towards the door. He gives me a sad look before leaving the small room and leaving me alone with Bobby. My legs feel even more like jelly as I approach him. His innocent face comes into view, and I am surprised by how peaceful he looks.

I take his hand in mine and gasp at the coldness of his skin. It has all become too real and I can no longer control my tears. I sob loudly like my Mom had done before me.

“I’m so sorry, Bobby. Please forgive me.” I cry.

I run my fingers through his perfectly combed hair, the way he used to love. Whenever he would have trouble sleeping, I would sit next to his bed, run my fingers through his hair, and he would be asleep within minutes. I can almost imagine that he is just sleeping now, but I know he will never wake up from this one. I gently kiss his forehead and place Bonnie next to him.

“I love you, my Angel. Sleep tight.”

---

Though it was painful, Bobby’s service was beautiful. One could never mistake him for being anything other than a beautiful, caring, and bright young boy. The amount of people that showed up, attests to just how loved he was.

My parents and I exit the church first. I can feel all of the sad eyes on me, and I know it’s only going to get worse. This is the part of today that I was dreading the most. We stand outside on the steps of the church, waiting for the hoards of people to come and express their condolences. I can’t help but feel nervous, wondering what they will all say to me.

The people at the back of the church come out first. Thankfully, those are the people that I don’t know very well. Every one of them shake my Dad’s hand, kiss my Mom on the cheek, and give me a hug. It feels like we are on a conveyor belt, and after so long, the condolences seem to become less genuine. Bianca appears, and as soon as she gets to me, I wrap my arms around her, glad to have at least one friendly face here.

“I’m so sorry, Nina. Just know that I am here for you.” She whispers.

With people waiting behind her, she moves along, but I know that I will get the chance to speak to her more later.

“Thank you, Jacob. The afters are at McSharry’s Irish Bar. We hope to see you there.”

My stomach drops as soon as I hear my Dad say Jacob’s name. He hasn’t even crossed my mind today, but I still don’t feel ready to face him again. Is it wrong that I have forgiven Bianca but not him?

I watch wide-eyed as he kisses my Mom on the cheek then moves to stand in front of me. He takes me in his arms, and given where we are, I don’t push him away. Instead, I accept the feeling of those familiar arms holding me tight. I place my hands gently on his back, and I feel his body shaking.

“I’m so sorry, Nina. I’m so bloody sorry.” He sobs in my ear. “Please forgive me. I’m so sorry.”

He pulls away and I look into his red eyes. It appears as though he has been crying for a long time. Why is he this sad? He walks down the steps and I watch him go. I can’t help but feel like his condolences were more of an apology. But, why?