A Love To Die For

Chapter 5

When I wake up, it’s bright again, which means that I slept straight through the night. I did dream of Bobby, but it wasn’t the type of dream that I was hoping for. Even while sleeping, the crash haunts me. Images of a wrecked car and Bobby’s small body haunt my mind. After sleeping for so long, I still feel exhausted. I can’t see a way past this, a time when life will feel bearable again, let alone enjoyable. I sit up in bed and wince when I realise that my whole body is still in pain. An attendant comes into the room pushing a trolley. My stomach constricts painfully, reminding me of just how hungry I am.

“Good morning, Doll. I brought you some breakfast.” Chimes the woman, her bright smile reaching her eyes.

“Thank you.” I mumble. “What day is it?”

“It’s Saturday, sweetheart. You’ve been sleeping a lot; you must be starving. The nurse should be in soon to check up on you.”

Two days have passed, and it still feels like the accident has just happened. When can I go home? When will Bobby’s funeral be held?

Unable to ignore the protests of my stomach any longer, I begin eating my breakfast. I reach for the toast first, figuring that it will be the gentlest on my over empty stomach. Also, on the tray, is some scrambled egg, bacon, and fruit. Maybe it’s just because I am overly hungry, but it all tastes amazing, especially for hospital food. I pour a sugar and two little milk cartons into my coffee and delight as the hot liquid spills down my throat.

As I sit back in bed, cradling my cup of coffee to my chest, a nurse enters the room. She’s an older lady, with fuzzy, blonde hair and lipstick that doesn’t suit her, but she also has a face that immediately makes me think that she might just be the nicest person in the world. Her eyes are kind and her smile is genuine.

“Good morning.” She beams. “My name is Maria and I will be taking care of you today. How are you feeling?”

“Still feeling quite sore, but a little better after eating.” 

“I imagine so. I was afraid you might start wasting away. I have some medication here that will help with the pain.”

I take the small cup that she’s offering me and empty the two pills into my mouth, swallowing them down with some water. I wish that she could give me something to help with the emotional pain, but unfortunately, that’s not the world we live in. People are forced to endure pain every day. I just never imagined that I would have to endure the pain of losing Bobby. It all feels too unfair, like some cruel joke. If only.

“You’re lucky to be alive, you know.”

I glance up at Maria, wondering if she was just reading my thoughts. Lucky? I don’t know about that.

“I know I should feel that way, but I don’t. I would trade places with my little brother in a heartbeat.”

“Oh, Honey. I’m sure you would. I didn’t mean to cause offence, but I have been a nurse for an awfully long time. People die every day; people survive every day. Nobody knows when their time is going to come. But, if I have learnt anything from working in this industry, it’s that every moment of life is precious. I’m sorry that you lost your brother, Honey, I really am, bust as soon as you recover, go out there and live! Go to the places that he liked and talk to him every day. He may not be here, but he will always be with you.”

Only when Maria stops talking, so I realise that I am crying. She hugs me as I wipe my tears and I lean into her embrace. I was right about one thing; she may very well just be the nicest person in the world.

Even this moment of tenderness is tainted for me. I can’t help but feel like it should be my parents telling me these things and holding me in their arms. I don’t think they will ever treat me like this though. How am I going to survive living with people who hate me?

“Thank you, Maria. It’s just so hard.”

We break our hug and I reach for the last of my coffee, needing something to wash away the lump in my throat.

“It’s going to be hard for a while, Honey, but you have to let the pain in. You have to drown in it, and then, when the pain becomes normal, you can come up for air. The hole that losing your brother has created will never disappear, but the unbearable pain will.”

“How do you know so much about grief?” I ask.

“Working as a nurse exposes you to all types of grief, but I have suffered my own losses too. I lost my daughter when she was just three years old.”

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, Maria.”

“It’s alright, Honey. It was a long time ago. I still miss her, of course, but I have made peace with it. I like to think of her as my Angel now.”

Maria gets lost in her memories, a sad smile gracing her lips. I smile empathy, wondering how a Mother could get over a loss like that. I think of my own Mother. I never doubted that she was grieving for Bobby, she loved him dearly. I realise now, that the pain I am feeling, is the pain that my parents are feeling too, maybe even worse.

Though I wish she could have stayed longer, Maria had to leave to attend to her other patients. I feel better for talking to her. If she can get through losing her daughter, I can get through losing Bobby. Maybe he will be my Angel now. I quite like the idea of that.

I struggle to the bathroom on legs that feel like jelly. Every step was painful, and I was relieved to make it back to my bed.

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The rest of the day passed slowly. I alternated between sleep and staring at the ceiling. The most exciting part was lunch and getting to talk to Maria some more. My parents came to see me, but they didn’t stay long, and not many words were exchanged.

Bobby’s funeral will be held on Tuesday. Although he deserves the best service in the world, I am absolutely dreading it. It will be the final goodbye, and I am not ready for that. Will everyone that attends look at me the way my parents do? Will they remind me that I am responsible for this? I just keep reminding myself of Maria’s words. Bobby will always be with me, and I will think of him in everything I do.

Five o’ clock rolls around and my stomach grumbles in anticipation of dinner. I feel constantly hungry, like my body is trying to make up for the meals it had missed.

The door finally swings open, and I swear I am dreaming as I watch Bianca push my dinner tray into the room. I stare at her blankly, and she looks at me like someone watching a wild animal. Her eyes are full of fear, like she expects me to attack at any moment.

“Oh, Nina. I’m so sorry this has happened.” She says, breaking me out of my trance.

“W…What are you doing here?”

“I had to come and see you, Nina. You can hate me all you like for what I did, but you will always be my best friend.”

I don’t know what to say. I’m too tired and sad to argue about Jacob right now. It doesn’t even matter anymore; it all seems so trivial after what has happened. I pull the dinner tray over and begin eating my food in silence. Bianca breathes a sigh of relief, taking my silence as forgiveness. She sits in the chair next to my bed and watches me wearily as I eat my chicken curry. I wash it down with the orange juice on the tray, then turn and sigh as I face Bianca.

“Look, whatever happened, I don’t even care anymore. That doesn’t mean I have forgiven the betrayal though, that really hurt me. I lost Bobby, Bianca. He’s gone and now I have nobody left.” I croak, my voice breaking as I mention Bobby.

“I love you, Nina, and I’m here. I know you hate me right now, but I will wait as long as it takes for you to forgive me. I’m so sorry about Bobby. I know how much you adored him.”

I begin sobbing again, hugging my knees to my chest. Bianca rushes to my side, and I don’t object when she wraps her arms around me.

“What happened?” She whispers.

“We were driving down Cardinal Drive. An animal jumped out in front of me and I hit it, I definitely did. That’s what made me swerve. I can’t remember after that. My parents said there was no animal found, they don’t even believe me, but there was, Bianca. I swear there was. It was large and brown.”

Bianca pulls away from me and looks at my face with her brows furrowed.

“What is it?” I ask, curious.

“Nothing.” She says, shaking her head. “It was probably just a deer. I’ll look into it for you, OK?”

“So, you believe me?”

“Of course, I believe you!” She smiles.

Though I still want to be mad at her, I don’t have the energy right now. I need my best friend more than I need to be angry about what happened. I throw my arms around her and allow myself to forgive.

“Thank you, Bianca.”