Colliding heart 2

9

I was standing there waiting for him , I suddenly started feeling anxious I could feel butterflies in my . I started having second thoughts that what if Austin doesn’t acknowledge his feelings for me ? should I cancel today’s arrangements ? but anyhow I managed to pull myself together and stood there . it has been quite long and Austin hasn’t showed up yet , I started getting worried about him so I called out Estelle , she came to me 

“ what happened ? is something wrong ? “ she asked

“ Austin is not here yet I am worried about him should I go back and look for him ? “ I said

“ don’t worry he will be on his way let’s just wait here for some time and if he doesn’t show up for another 10 min we will go for him “

“ okay “ she again went behind the bushes 

Finally after around 5 mins Austin showed up , he was wearing the sky-blue linen suit which I left for him , time seem to have frozen as I see him walking towards me , as I was looking at him all my doubts and nervousness faded away now instead of reluctant I was eager to express my feelings for him . He stood right in front of him and I was looking directly in his eyes .

“ Carol what is all this “ he asked looking around quite confused

“ you will know it soon “ I said and took out my hand to take his hands into mine , we walked hand in hand and then got seated comfortably I poured red wine to 2 the glasses and then gave one of them to Austin he put the glass on the table and turned to me 

“ will you now tell me what is all this ? what is so special about today ? “ he asked 

“ calm down , finish the wine first “ I said 

We both drank the wine and then finally gathering all my courage I put the wine aside and looked at Austin “ give me your hand “ I said , he put the glass aside and I took both his hands into my hands “ now look into my eyes and listen carefully to what I am about to say . Austin you came in my dark life like a sunshine like a hope , whenever I am in trouble you show up at the right time , without you by my side I have no idea how I would have survived this long . You and Cooper are my only family , the only once I want to protect . You have no idea how important you are to me , I can’t imagine a life without you , there is no way in which I can thank you enough for saving me and making my life so beautiful and colourful again . You came into my life when I was at my lowest and you brought me back to my highest , you taught me how to laugh again , you taught me how to love again and I will always be grateful for everything you have ever done for me “ we both were looking into our eyes and were holding hands , as I stopped there was an awkward silence there was no sound except for the waves and occasional sound of insects , no wind was blowing the flame of the candle was stable . I felt too emotional and was about to cry but I today I have to tell him about my feelings out loud so I controlled myself and continued “ so today I have called you here to tell you that ‘ I really love you ‘ and this time I promise i will not leave any stone unturned back then in the school when we were together you were the one who always took the initiative , you confessed first , you were the one who made me feel special but now it’s my turn and I start with today’s confession from today I will be the one who takes the first initiative I will try to adjust according to you . Let’s walk together for the rest of our lives holding hands , I don’t want to be parted from you again for the rest of my life I want to wake up with you by my side , so Austin what do you feel ? would you like to go on this journey together with me ? “ I was staring into his eyes he wasn’t moving and looked quite shocked then he suddenly pulled his hands from my grip , got up and walked a few steps backward and turned his back toward me , this is not what I was accepting I was afraid that I might have made him uncomfortable and that he would again leave me and disappear “ it’s ok Austin if you don’t want to , I am not pressurizing you I told you all of this today just to let out my feelings , it’s absolutely fine if you don’t want to talk about it “ I said standing up from the chair and looking down , there was complete silence Austin wasn’t saying anything and I was also too sad to say anything further but then  Austin finally turned towards me and said 

“ it’s late and Cooper is also alone in the cabin I think we should leave “

“ but our dinner will be coming soon why don’t we eat something and then go back “ I said finally looking up 

“ I am not hungry if you want to eat you can , but I am leaving “ saying this he left

I was standing there alone when I remembered that I should inform Estelle about the change of plans so I called her “ hey Estelle , it’s Carol I wanted to tell you that we have some changes in plan so you don’t have to send the dinner and we are heading back to our cabin , once again thanks a lot for your help “ I said trying to sound normal 

“ okay have a great time , goodnight “ she said and hung up the phone 

 I started walking back towards the cabin all alone , filled with the feeling of regret , I wish I didn’t have done any of these things today but still my mind was a complete mess I couldn’t understand what was going on in Austin’s mind . I decided not to think about it anymore and I made up my mind to talk to Austin directly tomorrow morning . When I entered our cabin , I saw Austin had already changed and was busy with his phone , as soon as  he saw me he got up from his chair and said “ I will be sleeping on the couch today , you can have the bed all by yourself “ and he went without even waiting for my reply . Anyway I couldn’t do anything so I got changed , got on bed and switched off the lights . Although I was very tired because of the preparations but still I couldn’t fall asleep , my mind was tossing around Austin , the night was very silent there were absolutely no sound . I was trying hard to fall asleep but just couldn’t , I tried every way I knew but still no success , I checked my phone , it was 2:30 a.m. I got up from bed and without making any sound I went outside and shut the door behind me . It was quite peaceful standing there alone it was quite cold and wind had also started blowing , I had never expected things to became so awkward between Austin and me but what is done can’t be done and I have to talk to Austin face to face and make things clear because how long can we live like this avoiding each other . I stood there for around half an hour and then went side , and before I know I was asleep . 

The next morning I got up quite early , I looked at my phone and it was 6 in the morning , well this was something unexpected because someone as lazy and sleepy like me got up early in the morning when I slept quite late . I got up from bed and was about to go to the restroom for a bath when I noticed that Austin was not in the cabin , Cooper was still asleep so definitely Austin has went out alone I tried to call him but his phone was switched off . I suddenly got scared I started thinking that may be he has left and will never come back again , he has again disappeared but as I was about to leave the cabin to look for him , Austin came back it was such a relief watching him . 

“ where have you been so early in the morning ? “ I asked , trying to start a conversation 

“ I went for a morning walk “ he answered looking down untying his shoe laces 

“ oh when I saw that you were not here I tried to call you but your phone was switched off “ I said still looking at him hoping that he may look up

“ uh yes my phone was out of battery and I forgot to connect it to the charger “ he was still looking down and it could be easily seen that he was deliberately trying to avoid looking at me

“ oh okay “ I said moving my eyes away from him , I started walking towards the closet to get some clothes 

“ well , how did you wake up so early in the morning ? “ he asked 

I turned towards him , he was looking at me “ um I don’t know , I didn’t wake up intentionally but somehow I didn’t felt like sleeping anymore “  I said giving him a silly smile 

“ okay , good for you . I am going to take a shower “ he said and left .

 Well this was awkward but it was also a relief that he was still talking to me , but judging by the situation I decided not to talk about anything related to last night , first I will let things calm down and will try to make everything normal between us and once it looks like he is comfortable talking about it we will discuss it . 

The three of us went to the nearby restaurant to have breakfast , we ordered our usual and started eating , although I hadn’t eaten anything since last night but still I wasn’t feeling hungry , none of us was talking there was dead silence on the table , after finishing our breakfast , we came back home . Originally we had planned to go on a picnic spot today in the evening but said that he don’t feel like going anywhere and it would have been boring with just me and Cooper so we dropped the plan , it was an extremely boring day , we had nothing to do and we weren’t talking even watching television together was getting awkward so in the evening I was playing with Cooper when Austin walked up to me “ Carol I need to talk to you . I know that we still have some more days scheduled here but I think we should go back , we have already done almost everything we had decided and it will be a waste of time here , also I have some work to do there , so what do you think ? “ he asked me politely “ yeah I am fine with it , whatever you feel is right I am ok with it “ I said , in fact I also wanted to go back because I was also tired from this awkward atmosphere “ okay then pack your stuff now we will leave tomorrow in the morning “ he said “ okay “ I said although he was already gone without listening to it . and that’s the environment I was talking about . I packed all of mine and Cooper’s stuff and went to bed , Austin was sleeping on the couch today as well .

The next morning  we woke up early , took all of our stuff to the car and left , that park gave me a lot of good memories to remember I will never forget about the time I had spend there although I had never thought that we will be leaving this place in this way , during the whole journey Austin and I didn’t talk to each other except asking about food from time to time , sitting on the front seat was making things more weird so I moved to the back seat and started playing with Cooper . I was looking out of the window and started thinking about the time when we were going to that park , at that time the atmosphere was totally different it was jovial and full of laughter and now it was the exact opposite silent and all gloomy . 

By the time we reached our home it was dark and I was too tired , moment I entered the house I dropped all the luggage in the living room and started walking towards my room to have a rest “ Carol ? “ Austin called me 

“ yup “ I turned to him 

“ you haven’t had anything since morning , are you hungry ? do you want to eat anything ? “ he asked 

“ actually yes I am a little hungry , why don’t we order a takeout “ I suggested . I was very hungry but still I tried not to look too desperate for food 

“ okay I will order it now , you go and change let’s eat together “ he said and went to his room

I was not able to understand Austin although everything was looking fine on the outside , I knew that something was not right but anyway I was too hungry to think about anything , so I got changed and then had our dinner together . then I went to bed peacefully it feels so nice to sleep with your stomach full on your own bed , no matter wherever I go or on how many comfortable beds I sleep but nothing can match with my bed it feels different . I was also relieved that atleast Austin was talking to me although things were not completely normal but it was not a bad start , I believe that things will eventually get better it just need some more time .

For the next few days Austin looked distracted all the time , he was doing everything he used to do before but now he looked demotivated he did everything as if someone is forcing him to do this , Austin was very good with knife and he always chopped the vegetables with perfection but some days ago he accidentally got a cut in his finger I rushed to him and put a band-aid for him “ are you fine ? “ I asked “ yes I am absolutely fine , it’s just a small cut nothing serious “ he said smiling towards me and got back to his work and also one day he forgot to add salt in the food , he has also been skipping his morning jog because he was getting up late , all these things doesn’t sound very serious but for a guy like Austin who always lectured me about getting up late in the morning , who made sure that the food he is making is perfect , who didn’t let me cut vegetables because I couldn’t cut them in equal sizes , how did such a person transformed into this and all of this started after the night I confessed to him , I had never thought that it would come out this way even if he didn’t have any feelings for me , he can treat me differently or can ignore me but instead he is the same to me and it looks as if he is punishing himself for something . I also noticed that he has stopped going for work , although he didn’t go to work everyday before too but atleast he went for  3 to 4 times a week , so one day we both were having our breakfast when I randomly asked him ,

“ aren’t you going to work ? you have not went out of the house since we came back , is everything alright ? “ 

“ yes everything is fine , I don’t have much work to do these days and most of the time I go with work from home concept so I don’t need to go out for now “ he said and went to his room .