Personal Feelings

‘You know that feeling when you tryna change and be something good, but then life kicks you real hard in the balls and you like “I’ma try this s**t next time”? Yep, that’s exactly how it felt when the news of the pandemic broke out. You planning on going to college now and next thing you hear is “the Covid is now in America.” I mean like the f**k everything got to happen this year... or ever happen? We already got a lot to handle: police assaulting black people, the government lying to our faces, dirty politics and now this virus kissing up my black ass?’ “Yo, stop writing that damn article. You gonn’ get yourself arrested. Or worse, killed.” D interrupted my fingers punching furiously on my pc’s keyboard by throwing a crumpled paper at me. He lit a cigarette, then lazily tucked a red and blue pen in his chest pocket. “Nah, D f**k off. s**t’s the least I can do. The world needs to hear our voice. Being black ain’t a crime. Besides it’s an anonymous blog. Nobody’s gonna know it’s me” “The FBI would. And nobody said it was” “Then the f**k they gotta treat us differently? Why are they killing us?” “You know they say black ain’t just a color. It’s an attitude” D stared lazily at the ceiling puffing smokes of cigarettes, paused for a minute then continued. “It’s that damn attitude they don’t like about us. But we can’t change being black, can we? Even if we can, I don’t want to” “That’s exactly what I’m saying. They white, we black, them fake ass cops are blue. But don’t nobody wanna switch sides. We’re good with our choices. If we ever got one. That’s why I’m asking you to stop writing that article before you get yourself arrested or murdered. You got a choice now. You’re young and you got a life to live” “You’ll have to kill me” I nagged. “Too bad. I’m a nurse. I don’t take lives. I save ‘em” D almost made me cringe to death with one of these corny lines he was known for. “That reminds me. Aren’t you going to work today?” I remembered that he was spending way too much time at home today. “I will when Didi is done making breakfast. I can’t leave on an empty stomach” “Didi! I envy you man. That’s a fine ass chick you there. Anyway, I still think the virus is God’s way of fighting our oppressors for us” “Well God ain’t no murderer, that I can assure you” “I don’t care. It won’t stop from pouring my heart out into this article. It’s my way of venting” “You do you dawg. But you don’ see my car keys?” D asked, suddenly checking his pocket for his keys. “Ain’t seen ‘em in a minute. You might as well ask Didi. She so thick, it might as well be in her fat ass” I joked, still focused on my laptop. “Shut up fool! I heard that!” Didi screamed from the kitchen. “Nah, you’re sick man. Seriously?” D couldn’t stop laughing. “Y’all tryna crucify me too for saying the truth?” I made D laugh more. Somehow, he managed to puff out smoke in rings from his mouth and nostril while he did it. “Bottoms up!” Didi interrupted as she served us breakfast. “Damn. You were preparing coffee and sandwich the whole morning?” D was genuinely shocked. “So? Just shut up and eat” Didi frowned. And with that we began to dig in. While we ate, we observed our ritual of always arguing who the better person was among a bunch of artists or actors. Today it was K.Dot versus Jermain, and Shawn Carter versus Nas. “Excuse me for a moment. I gotta take this call” D frowned when his phone rang “Didi you know Cole, right?” I tried to continue the conversation with Didi even though she didn’t seem interested. “Leave me alone. I’m eating for f***s sake” she stabbed her sandwich with a fork. I got the clear message that that would be me if I pushed further. “And to answer your question. I do. Everyone does” Just then, D who excused himself to take a call came back. “Look y’all I gotta go. There are twelve more confirmed cases at the hospital” he had a frown on his face. “Can’t you finish breakfast at least?” Didi asked, perhaps worried about him. “I wish I could, but I can’t. I don’t have that kind of time. And where the f**k is my car key?” D went back to searching his pockets. “Here!” Didi threw them at him. “Thanks. I love you, okay? I’ll be back before you even notice I’m gone.” D promised as he ran downstairs. I could hear him slam the door and then jumpstart his old Camry that obviously needed some new paints. Slowly, the sound of his car engine faded from the environment. “I noticed that you’re gone, but you ain’t here” Didi cussed underneath her breath. “What’s that?” I wasn’t sure why she said that. “You know sometimes I feel like he don’t love me no more. He doesn’t have time for me. He’s always busy, and I hate it.” “No don’t say that. I’m sure as hell he loves you more than you think. It’s just the nature of his job. You know D’s like a superhero. He sacrifices his time to save people. You should be grateful that you’re part of the greater good.” I assured her while removing a hair blocking her face. “You think?” She smiled. I think the first time I ever seen her do that. And boy did it make her look fine. “For sure” I smiled back. “So where have you been all this while?” she asked out of nowhere. Can’t tell why she was suddenly interested. She rarely talked to me. I answered regardless. “I live in North Philly. Just came to visit D here in Brooklyn before the lockdown and now I’m trapped here.” “I love you” I think I heard Didi say out of nowhere, but that was enough to make me almost choke on my coffee