Pregnant with the Bad Boy

68

“We will see each other anyway; I will visit you…” I said the words comforting when he froze, and I looked up when he turned around crying which made me so sad that I wanted to cry again as he quickly shook his head as that he did not intend to agree that I should visit him.

“Forget it Jen, I don’t want you there…” he said the words tired and quickly pulled his hand over his eyes when I let go of him and just looked confused at his upset eyes that had that decisive twinkle when he thought he could get as he wanted, before I had always given with me, but not this time.

“I don’t give a s**t in what you want… what I want then Dylan? I looked disappointed at his tense face that had already said no and then I would just listen, I refused, I was not going to wait six months to see him.

He looked confused, like he did not expect that answer, maybe I would get angry and shout at him, but it was not far off if he did not realize that I could not go six months without seeing him when I had just gotten him back in my life, how it had killed me to be without him before.

“I don’t want you to see me in there, and I do not want the other fuckers to see you.” He said the words hard and narrowed his eyes at me like it would help me, I was not afraid to disappoint him anymore, and it felt good now when he was himself, or as he was when he was angry and we did not keep together, that bit would never change no matter how much we tried to change ourselves.

“Do you think I'm going to wait six f*****g months here as a cute little housewife and wait for you to come home again?” I grabbed the sink and clawed my fingers into the cold metal so that my fingernails bent, he made me as f*****g angry as before.

“But you're my wife so you have to wait for me.” he said the words coldly like that was the last thing he was going to say about it even she I already saw that he was pissed at me, he held the hell back, it was something new which made me even more upset that he did not even want to fight normally with me no longer.

I laughed at his words, who did he think he was? Even though he was the love of my life and my husband who knew him as well as I did that, he had nothing to say about when it came to what I wanted to do.

“Do you think you own me just for that? well I do what the hell I want, you will not be here anyway!” I snorted and had my arms crossed when I looked at him angrily, his face that had become stiff and hard, his eyes were black and every muscle in his body was tense as he turned completely towards me and stared angrily in the way he only did when he was really pissed so it stuck in me each wanted or not in the way he looked at me now.

“Jen. Just shut the f**k up.” I gasped angrily, his voice was so commanding and dark, it sounded different now than before we parted, it was not just me who had changed it seemed.

“No.” I said the word defiantly against his angry look and his knuckles had now testified to the anger that pulsed in his body, the same anger as when he had beaten down Parker.

“I'm not going to shut up Dylan, I have just as much f*****g right to see you if I want to, I've been f****d over twice for what you did to me!” I screamed now and his face could not take it anymore, I saw it, I had pushed him too far when he hit his fist hard in the thin plate so that the whole kitchen rattled by his force and I jumped off the bang and automatically shielded  my belly, after Parker, it felt like I did not want to do anything but protect her from anyone who could hurt her even though I knew Dylan would not do anything so I felt scared when he stood there and just breathed deeply like to try keep himself in control again and I turned away from his angry eyes, I swallowed and did not want to cry, could not bear it again. I just wanted him to understand why I could not see him for so long.

“What I did to you!? What you did to me then Jen!? Why is it only you who can be the victim here! you are just as damn guilty of everything that happened! I'm so f*****g bored of having to be the one to be the one who just took advantage of you, knocked you up and bailed!”

I just blinked at what he had said, maybe he was right… or I knew he was right… I just looked at him resignedly now, he was still pissed, and I quickly pulled my hands over my hair, give myself a few seconds to think but I did not know what to say anymore.

“I have never said that I was innocent…” I mumbled the words irritated and looked away with an angry face, I probably looked like an annoyed child when he laughed evil, like I had said something funny and I looked up at his hurting eyes, now he was the man I had met from the beginning, he who happened in everything and everyone, I could see it in the distance.

“No… You don’t have too… but everyone else then? I’m not f*****g deaf or stupid, I heard what people talk about me, that I just took advantage of you, my God you f****d someone else just a few months after we ended and still it's me who is the villain?!” I looked away from the shame that slapped me in my face, damn I hated that he knew exactly how to do to make me feel stupid, like he had the instructions on how to hurt me the most.

“You f****d Lorraine.” I said the only thing that came to mind, I was not even angry anymore, I didn’t care what happened with Lorraine after what he said at the bar, but I wanted to throw something back in his face.

He now nodded like he knew as much as I did with his intense grey eyes that could cut through everything I had set up as a defence.

“Sure, I did, I f****d Lorraine after you…” he shrugged like it was nothing as I just stared down at the floor over what he had said.

“Not right away… and not as many times as you did with that rich bastard you were with, who you were going to give my daughter to!” I jerked back from what he had said, I did not want to hear any more, he was not there, and he did not understand what I had gone through and what Grant had done for me, I did not want him to think I had just given up and let Grant be the father at once.

“I didn’t know what to do Dylan…” I looked tired up at his angry eyes that looked evil at me, he was still angry at me over that, I should have understood that he would not forgive me for it so f*****g easy.

“you could not have given my f*****g stranger my blood!” He tore something down from the sink and I pulled my head down more, damn him who made me feel so damn guilty of something that was just as much his fault.

“You were not there, and I was scared!” My voice was louder now but I did not scream, I did not want to look at his accusing eyes as I betrayed him more than I wanted to understand.

“I know that, and I have to live with that but you did was f*****g wrong Jennifer.” his voice was tired now and I still did not look at him when I felt the shame that ate me up from within, all it had been so easy with Grant, his words had everything to sound like such a good idea, and I had agreed to it. so why was it so damn hard to stand up for myself now when Dylan stared at me disappointed with her big grey eyes, I had chosen it myself.

“I know….” I shed the first tears now, I never wanted Grant to be the father, I just did not want to be alone when she came.

“I know I did wrong Dylan… but do you think I just saw him and decided to give up on you? I was looking for you everywhere, I even went to Lorraine to find you ... I do not think you understand how damn hard it was for me to see her standing there and know that she probably knew where you were but kept her mouth shut to, she herself is so f*****g in love with you?” I was not even angry, my voice felt like it had no feelings at all, it was just the truth, he had left me dead inside and nothing he did or said would change that.

He remained silent now except for a couple of swear words that he mumbled and twisted a couple of times before he sighed like he knew I was right, that I said my side of the thing that he did not want to hear because his conscience could not bear it.

“I still loved you all the time… do you know that? not even when I was with Grant, and it felt like I hated you for what you had done to me, so I loved you…” I sobbed until now, he had to believe what he wanted about what I had done with Grant and the paternity, but he would damn know I had never given up on him deep down.

“Jen…” his voice was hollowed out now that he knew how I felt which made it all even worse when I sat down and leaned on the cupboards behind me and cried loudly over what we had said, I had been so happy that we were together again but now that everything fell apart again, I barely knew what to do anymore.

“Why did you kiss her?” I looked down at my hands again about the crying, I had asked when we finished but he had not been able to answer, I wanted to know why he had to destroy what we had then, I loved him so damn much and he had just gone behind back, he had let me down just as much.

He sighed several times, like he did not know what to say and I snorted to myself, f*****g i***t he was who could not even say why he needed someone other than me in his life.

“I was scared shitless…” he sighed again when I looked angrily at his answer, he was scared? What did he think I had been!?

“I do not know why but I panicked when the pastor said our names in the church, like I had not realized that it was for real… we were just with each other alone and I was not ready for it I think…” his eyes were honest and I sighed, it was he who had wanted to get married and he knew that as well as I did.

“don't you think I was scared; I know I was the one who said I loved you first but… I did not want to get married then Dylan and you knew that…” I swallowed and looked down again, could not look into his shy eyes who did not want to meet mine anymore, we were damn f*****g incredible f**k ups, the both of us.

“I know.” his words were empty, and I shrugged resignedly, I was still sitting here and it was with him, so he had got what he wanted no matter how you looked at it.

“Jen… do you want us to tear it up? I mean we got married?” his eyes were sad now and I quickly shook my head, that was not what I wanted.

“No…” I smiled faintly at his scared face, I wanted to be his after all but only because I had been through everything in between, I felt a hundred years inside, like I had aged so quickly from the shy girl who sat in his car and peeked at his handsome face, I regretted nothing.

“I just want to be with you, but I do not want to feel the rest of our lives together that we should not be able to forgive each other for what we did, I can’t stand to hear about Grant every time you get angry Dylan, and I know you are the same damn less that I'm complaining about Lorraine.” I smiled now, I knew even why when I looked at his relieved face, like we had forgiven each other for real and not just ignored everything just because we had missed each other so damn much.

“I will try to keep my mouth shut…” he smiled and walked up to me with a quick step and pulled me up gently, so we were in each other's arms again, where I always wanted to be.

“I love you Dylan Hopper.” I said the words warmly and honestly as he looked into my eyes with his own loving, adoring and longing grey eyes that always made me fall again.

“I love you with Jennifer Thompson.” His smile widened as I looked insulted on his face with my sour face that he had said my maiden’s name now that we were married.

“Hopper.” I laughed as he along and leaned forward and kissed me slowly so that it sparkled inside my chest, only he could do that to me.

“Jennifer Hopper.” His smile was tender, and I quickly pulled into his arms with my own silly smile and closed my eyes, I was so f*****g happy because we had talked about everything, and he was mine and no one else's.

he released me slowly and took my hand and led me to the bed, I looked at it gratefully when I was tired after everything we had talked about and he lay down and I crawled into his arms and closed my eyes, we said nothing now, just listened to each other's breath and I hit tired with his eyes as he leaned closer to my ear and kissed it tenderly he already knew I was falling asleep when I looked up and smiled tiredly struggling against sleep, I knew it was in the middle of the day but all the worry and stress had made me want to sleep for a hundred years it felt like.

“Sleep babe, I'm here.” his voice was warm, and I smiled gratefully as he pulled his fingers through my hair which made me barely able to think and gave in and fell asleep feeling safe in his arms.