Pregnant with the Bad Boy

53

I barely slept that night, he had not said her name again and I was grateful for that at least when I looked at the clock for the tenth time, it was around five and I sighed, I was roaring hungry now.

I sat up and dragged myself of the bed and opened the door quietly and closed it when my mother's door opened and they stood there, half-dressed, I just looked at their affected faces and I just blinked at them, so they had not stopped at the making out. I was not going to go out on the rest of the thought as they both looked at each other and then at me as if they did not understand that I was up so early.

“I was hungry.” I looked at them innocently and they started to move slowly again, dad quickly put on his jeans where he was standing in only his underwear and mom was red as a tomato when she was in lingerie too, nothing I had not seen before but she knew that I knew and Dad within the way I stared at them like a deer on the highway.

“I go and do something for you…” mom had put on the dress from yesterday and walked quickly past both me and dad without saying anything as I raised my eyebrows high at her brusque way of saying it and I looked at dad who just shook on the head and I smirked so he turned red he too before I went slowly down the stairs and heard mom slamming in the kitchen, louder than she needed and dad came running down behind me and stopped me quickly as he wanted to say something when he took charge before he regretted and ran down the last bit to the kitchen and I heard my mother's angry voice mixed with his low pleading, I sighed, here we go again.

I walked slowly into the kitchen where they stood almost face to face, which was closer than I had seen them in years. What were they really doing? I did not look at their embarrassed faces as they pulled apart a little bit and looked embarrassed in each direction and I picked up the phone and mom gave me a sandwich and I took a bite without looking at them still where they stood and saw look like they were just waiting for me to leave, I would go I just wanted to see them close one last time before I got up again.

“You look happy together just so you know.” I still did not look at them and went my way as they seemed to exhale and I went up slowly, it rushed in me, as when I myself felt something, if they had been Dylan or Grant, it felt in my chest when I looked them, that they had something for each other, whether it was on purpose or not, it seemed like my birthday had changed my life in more than one way for all of us.

I closed the door behind me when I heard their upset voices before it became quiet and I sighed and sat down on the swivel chair, either Dad had left or they had s*x in the kitchen, I assumed it was the last thing I heard Mom moaned and I put down the sandwich, there goes that appetite.

I looked at Grant who was sleeping peacefully now, I did not want to wake him, he had had a tough day with me and I had been so selfish and just wanted him to be able to turn off everything he felt for her, but how could he? I saw my parents who hated each other for more than ten years fall in love again, I would not call it anything else, was it something I had learned after Dylan it was how you looked at each other when you did not know if you hated or loved person, or you did both depending on how you were for the day.

I sighed, this was going to be exciting, I did not think they would be together again or so but part of me hoped so, no matter how stupid it was.

I picked up the sandwich again when my mother's voice had disappeared and ate again, I should be more upset than I was about what they were doing, but honestly, s*x was not what I thought was scary in life, it was the feelings they come along.

I ate the sandwich and lay down next to Grant again and caressed his face, I loved him so much, but I still had my feelings for Dylan with… even though I denied it but mom and dad had just proven to show things could not be shaken by itself, no matter how horrible it would affect the surroundings. I was glad he was gone, because I do not want to choose between them, Dylan's dangerous shocking treatment of me that made me explode with emotions and Grant who filled my heart to the breadth of all the warmth and love he gave me and made me feel me so valuable and respected.

Okay, that was just the way it was now, I would stop being jealous of her, Veronica, she was dead and was no threat to me, I had only been with Dylan for a couple of weeks and Grant had several years with her, it went not to erase, no matter how much I wanted it, I got to understand that he loved me with, as he had loved her.

I closed my eyes and heard how my mother was crying in the kitchen now and how my father was trying to comfort her, I was not going to go down, that was their relationship and I barely had control of my own, it felt like.

I had managed to fall asleep again after it got quiet down there and I woke up with Grant caressing my arm and I smiled at his face, he looked like himself again and I leaned forward and touched his nose with mine, so he smiled loving towards me.

“Sorry for yesterday…” his voice was remorseful, and I shook my head, I had had several insights during the morning, and one of them was that he would not apologize for loving her in front of me.

“it's me who should say sorry…” I smiled when he looked at me in surprise and I just smiled more when he pulled his hand over my face unsure of what to say.

“I would never have told you that you had to choose, between me and her…” I still smiled as he sat up on his elbow and leaned his head against his hand surprised as I pulled my fingers over his face like yesterday, and he smiled like he remembered what I had done.

“I'm okay that you still love her… you had a completely different life with her, and I should not be jealous of someone who is not even left alive.” His eyes changed a little in colour and I think it was the first time I saw them bright as much as it did right now when I just smiled at his admiring gaze.

“I love you more Jennifer.” he said the words so easily and I smiled when he made my heart beat harder, it had not mattered, I loved him and if he had wanted to love her more I would have accepted it.

“I realized last night that I was selfish, you have put up with so much with me and everything about Dylan and the pregnancy and I could not even accept that you missed her because I have been so busy with myself…” I was ashamed so I said the last words and he pulled me closer now so that our faces met where we lay in my cramped bed with pink duvet covers.

“You are far too smart to be so young…” he smiled secretly at me and I laughed, I was not smart at all, more that I had been responsible for the consequences of my decisions.

“Grant… you do not have to hide that you miss her for me, I understand…” I looked meaningfully at him and he got an uncertain expression on his face when I touched his nose and he closed his eyes quickly as he just wanted to feel that I was there for the moment.

“Thank you for reminding me, that there is light in the dark…” I would have laughed that it sounded so quirky if it was not exactly how it felt to me with, he was my light when it was darkest around me, and he always would be.

“Always.” I smiled and Hans laughed softly before he kissed me and I opened my eyes to see his warm brown eyes that shifted so quickly depending on what he felt.

I laughed when he kissed me again and I took off my bathrobe quickly, I wanted him, if he wanted me.

I looked at him questioningly as he nodded and I unbuttoned his belt and quickly pulled down his pants and pulled off my panties and sat over him and let him come into me so I moaned, I felt electric wherever he was moved me and I leaned forward and kissed him as I moved quickly over him and tensed my legs hard as I felt I was about to come and he wrapped his arms around me and I moved faster with my eyes closed until I felt how it erupted in me in daring to have come when he just looked at me when I looked up panting at his happy face and I smiled back and kissed him again as I moved more slowly now and his face had become tense as he tried not to make so much noise when I got up again and pushed myself up quickly back and forth with my hips until I felt him solidify under me and I sank down over him and lay there for a while before I pulled myself up and let me on p idan again of him and gasped hard, too hard really and he just smiled at me and I laughed at how hard it had been, ridiculously hard.

“I used to be in better shape before.” I laughed as he just shook his head at me and put his hand on my stomach where the result of my previous better shape was.

“it's completely normal that you cant do as much as before Jennifer…” he smiled understandingly at me and kissed me calmly so that it burned in the heart over how sad he looked over knowing it.

“Grant, I do not want you to be sad, and I notice that it is hard for you right now… you can go home if you want…” I looked carefully at his absent face that came back to me again and he shook on my head to my suggestion.

“not yet…” he kissed me again and I lay closer to him, I probably had not understood how hard it was for him that I was pregnant, because I reminded him of what he had lost all along. my heart sank, I hoped he would love the child as he would love his own, otherwise he and I had no future together.

“so how far along was she?” I looked up at the ceiling as he swallowed loudly and did not answer until I looked at him that it was hard to say.

“we only had a couple of weeks left…” his eyes hurt me when I put my arms around him, I do not know what I had imagined, that she had been like me in the beginning but towards the end ... I shuddered and felt the nausea came over me again and I pulled my hand over his cheek, I wished I could have known everything without asking so he did not suffer more of my questions.

“I'm so sorry Grant ...” I kissed his forehead, and he closed his eyes as if he could not take it anymore, and I gave myself, no more questions about what happened, it could wait a while longer.

“I'm going down now… I'm coming back…” he smiled faintly when I kissed him and got up and quickly went into the shower and pulled on one of Mandy's shorts from the shelf, they did not sit well anywhere anymore but I ignored it when I took a sweater from my side of the shelf and pulled it down so that they did not seem so much and went out, I was still very hungry and after what happened this morning I do not know what I would meet when I came down to the kitchen.

Mom was standing there, she looked happy and I sat down suspiciously in front of her and pulled at me the dish of eggs and she presented a plate with a fork without looking at me as I scraped over half the dish on my plate and stuffed several bites in her mouth without saying anything but just looking at her evasive gaze, she had cried but I had already heard that when she finally looked up at me and I smiled at her now without knowing why and put down the fork when I had already swallowed everything on the plate and she sighed at me as if she could not understand how I got everything in me and I just smiled meant at her so that her face turned red again. 

“You eat like your dad.” She tried not to smile when I shrugged at her comment.

“so, where is he?” I looked around and she sighed now, I sank down without knowing why, I knew it was just a one-time thing between them, I had wanted to believe something else, but the reality was different.

“He went back to Jennifer…” she looked at me that I had lost hope of them and smiled consolingly at me.

“I understand.” I said the word bitterly, damn it was not Mandy who would bring up the hope and be crushed under it, it was me.

“it's for the best…” she sank down she too and I looked at her angrily, best so?! What the hell reason was that?!

“so, you are obviously in love and he should go because it's for the best?!” I had raised my voice now and she looked around anxiously if anyone had heard me as she slapped her hands over her face and looked at me in despair with her big blue eyes.

“it's not that easy Jennifer… he has Linda and Levi now and I cant let him crush me again…” she really suffered now and I regretted what I said, I if anyone should know that nothing was easy and that everything with emotions was complicated.

“I saw you.” I said the words quickly and she turned red again from my revelation and I smiled at her now, she probably thought I meant this morning.

“You would never know anything ...” she looked ashamed of me when I shook my head and she looked more confused than before.

“No, I don’t mean that you guys had sex.” Mom probably died that I could say things she rarely said herself, but I did not care right now.

“I mean last night, I saw it… that you looked at each other as before, before all the fights, I remember how it was even if Mandy doesn’t.” I stumbled over my own words, wanted to make her understand that there was nothing they could hide, anyone could see their love if you looked a little closer at them.

She sighed again as if she knew what I was talking about and leaned forward on the bench where they had s*x this morning, I did not care, I had bigger worries in life than caring about my parents' s*x life.

“You are too smart for your own good sometimes…” she looked longingly at the wall behind me, she was allowed to say what she wanted but she loved him so much that it hurt me to know that she had to put up with the fact that he was over there and she was here longing for him.

“so I guess it's Clark coming back soon then?” I looked at her angrily, I had nothing against him, nothing at all, but ha was so bland as a person so I had a hard time understanding how mom could have fallen for someone who was so different dad who was like me, an emotional storm that never be quiet.

“Clark will not be back Jennifer.” she looked at me now a little sadly as I shrugged my shoulders at what she said, I would not miss him.

“How can I be with him when I still love your father so much?” She looked at me questioningly, although there was no answer here and I sighed, emotions sometimes sucked.

-the only thing I do not understand mom is that you have hated each other for so long and then one night you are like teenagers again? I looked incomprehensibly at her smile which was full of laughter and secrets as she got up and it sparkled in her eyes now.

“I've always loved him, Jennifer.” I sat quietly over what she said, f**k, why did it feel like it was just like she could just as easily be me in twenty years, that I was standing there still longing for him? it scared and attracted me more than anything else.

“He is the only one I have loved and if I am to be honest it will probably be so until the day I die.” She smiled as if it was something to be happy about, I felt myself that I wanted to cry when she stood there and told that she could not be with the only man she loved in her whole life.

I could not stand the thought and I clapped my hands in front of her eyes and cried loudly over what she had said so that it could probably be heard all over the house now.

“This is the saddest thing I ever heard in my entire life…” I removed my hands and saw that she cried with, I wanted to do something, shout, make him come back but all I could do was sit here and cry with her.

“Life is not fair Jennifer, you if anyone should know.” she looked at me gloomily and I cried louder, over everything, over my parents' doomed love, over my own to Dylan who I knew would never go out no matter how I tried… I angrily wiped away the tears as she just looked at me so sad that tore me apart from the anger, I felt that they were just giving up and understanding why they had to.

“don’t be angry qt your dad Jennifer, he does not have it easy on his side either…” she saw at me that I was angry, that I wanted revenge on him because he went and abandoned us again… I ignored her, I would call and tell him what the hell I thought and… she just looked resignedly at me as she knew what I was thinking and shook her head when I surprised stopped at her ban.

“Sweetheart, this is my burden to bear… okay?” I looked at her angrily now, as if I should care but… she was right, this was not my fight.

“Why did he leave me?” I said the words out loud before I realized it and my mother had understood that it was no longer about Dad but about Dylan.

“Because he did not know what to do when you pushed him away.” she said the words as if she had the answers all the time. maybe she had.

I just looked at her, all my life I had been so scared to be like her but now that I was I was not scared anymore, life was not fair and mom had struggled through every obstacle she encountered, and that greatest was my father.

“But he was unfaithful…” I said the words quietly when she laughed as if I thought I was naive.

“Yes, he was, but he is only human, and we do wrong all the time… and regret when we hurt those we love the most…” she looked down on the bench again and I knew she was talking about dad and not Dylan now.

I just looked at her now empty, I did not know what I felt anymore, I had been so sure of everything last night and now everything felt like just one f*****g mess again.

She met my gaze and it felt like everything had fallen the same, everything with Grant, what I felt for him and what I felt for Dylan.

“Fuck.” I said the word hard as she only looked sadly at me when she had seen it in my eyes already.

“I still love him. maybe I would never love someone like him again.” I said the words tired, f**k. f**k. f**k.

I slapped my hands over my face, what the hell was I going to say to Grant? I saw the horror on her when she shrugged, this was my burden.

“you have to choose for yourself what you want to do… but the best thing is probably if you are honest with him.” I sank down overwhelmed on the bench where she stood and looked at me just as overwhelmed, I wanted nothing more, how much should I really take?

“Jennifer.” I froze, it was Grant standing behind me, I saw the horror of mother walking out of the kitchen without saying a word to any of us and I did not dare turn around where he stood in the kitchen opening without saying anything, I knew not if he had heard everything? And did it really matter? I turned slowly and looked at him that he had heard more than enough to know why I was panicking.

“Grant…” my voice was scratched by the crying, and he smiled even though I knew it was a charade at this point when I sat still and he stood still and we just looked at each other as neither of us knew what the other would say.

I cleared my throat, I knew what I had to do, Grant was wonderful and some of me would love him forever, but he was not Dylan.

“How much did you hear?” I sounded scared as he just snorted lightly, which showed that he had heard everything.

“Enough.” He approached me confidently and sat down next to me and I hardly dared look at him as he sat staring out the window.

We sat there for a while before I swallowed the tears that had started to come up again and he did not look at me, yesterday I was ready to live with him for the rest of my life but now I just sat here empty inside and thought how the hell I had been looking into this mess.

“I’m sorry.” I just said that word and he just sounded like he was amused by what I said and had his arms crossed, I so wanted to love him the same way I loved Dylan, but I could not.

was not. he turned and smiled at me now and I pulled away the tears that had come with my hands that they were over between us.

“I really wish I had met you first…” I said the words when he laughed until now for real and I saw how hurt he was, I hated myself so much right now that I wanted to die.

“Would it make any difference?” His eyes were full of tears now and I quickly shook my head, probably not.

“I'm so sorry Grant…” I cried more and he wiped tears away from his eyes before he smiled again as if to pretend, he was not crushed by what I had said.

“it's okay Jennifer… I would have chosen her too.” his voice was honest, and I nodded, what a couple we were, neither of us had been honest about what we felt, that we were still in love with someone else.

“I do not regret a day with you, so you know.” I said the words sincerely then between sobs and he just nodded to me.

“Neither do I.” His voice sounded a little happier and I took his hand in mine and he stroked his thumb over my hand. I looked at the bracelet and started to take it off when he stopped me with a mean smile.

“Keep it. it's for you and your child.” It hurt me how he said it was my child, not his, I understood that he had lost another child and I felt more horrible than ever.

“you would have been a great Grant dad… and I know you will one day but someone who loves you back just as much.” I smiled sadly as he only looked at me with his big brown eyes that had always burned when they looked at me, but no longer.

“it should be fun to explain to my family…” he laughed when I shrugged.

“tell the truth, that I was a slutty twenty-year-old who was knocked up by some horrible bastard.” I smiled now as he laughed at my self-inflicted joke and pulled his fingertips over his forehead a couple of times before he looked up at me and smiled more genuinely this time.

“You are so much more than that Jennifer…” he looked at me admiringly a few seconds before he shook it off and stood up and I followed him to the door and pulled on my coat when he got dressed and we went hand in hand down the stairs towards his car and he turned me towards him.

“I'm driving your car back some day in the future… I just looked at him warmly when he nodded and looked at me like he did not know what to say and I put my arms around him, one last time when he put his around me with and I enjoyed feeling his body against me as I looked up at his face and he smiled back as I stood on my toes and kissed him softly before I let go of him and he smiled confidently against me as only he could when he stepped in in the car and I just smiled warmly at him before he got in the grey sports car and drove away. 

I stayed until it was gone on the highway before I started crying again, how we could only say goodbye so quickly, as if we both knew it would always happen at some point.

“Goodbye Grant.” I said the words quietly to myself and turned stiffly and went into the house.