Pregnant with the Bad Boy

54

It was quiet now, empty. As if time had stopped.

I took off my coat and went to one of the sofas and lay down with my feet up and stared blankly out at the hall, it felt strange, I had barely cried at all over what had happened and now I sat here and just felt I was okay which made me even more ashamed, had I loved him at all? I was still staring in the hall when my mother sat down on the sofa opposite, and I just looked at her quickly as if she did not know what had already happened.

“he was a nice man, no doubt about it.” She sounded as solemn as if someone had died and I laughed at her words, it just sounded ridiculous.

“he's not a dead mom.” I smiled at her faint smile as if she had come to her senses and I pulled myself up more, I just felt so weird, I barely understood what had happened and Grant had just accepted everything, as if he did not think it was so hard either that we ended.

“he still loved her, right? His wife?” Mom looked at me what I was thinking as I nodded quietly at her gaze over us.

“I already knew about it.” I shrugged, from the second I heard her name I had known about it.

Mom sighed as she had known and drank from the mug in her hand, God I missed coffee.

“So now I'm back in square once again, alone and abandoned.” I slapped my hands lightly on the legs as she sadly looked at my hopelessness and put her own legs up on the couch which she would never do otherwise.

“You are not alone Jennifer, you have me and Amanda and… dad…” she looked away for a couple of seconds when I just looked away I too, we were in the same f*****g seat, and it sucked.

“Why did he have to kiss Lorraine?!” I looked angry in the air, I was not even angry at Grant, I was angry at Dylan because he had done this to us, made me want to abandon him when I loved him so damn much.

“Because he's a bastard.” She looked at me now and laughed so I had a hard time being angry anymore, that was exactly why.

I let the laughter die out and took one of the pillows and put it over my head for a few seconds before I moaned and looked at her understanding face.

“Why did I have to fall for him? could not have been Grant, my life would have been so much easier then.” she looked amused at me as if he recognized every word in me.

“where is that fun in that?” she looked at me laughing and I sat up, I do not know but she was different, she sat differently, moved differently and looked at me with laughter in a way I had not seen for a long time, as if she was the person she was when I was little and not an ornate church lady who complained that I had wrinkled the carpet with my shoes.

“if dad came back to you… for real ...” I looked at her eyes that became brighter with the thought before they got sad again.

“Would you be with him again, even though he was unfaithful and everything else around?” I do not know who I asked for, myself or her, I still did not know what I wanted if I were to be honest with myself.

She seemed to think for a while and wrapped her long blonde hair back that she had had since her dad came back, she looked amazing, not at all like she was my mother but someone younger who looked at me until the end with her ice blue eyes and smiled silly.

“Without a doubt.” She drank from the cup and looked guilty as she smiled and I sighed at her sure answer, I hoped I could say yes or no to that question one day.

Damn, I just thought I'm over him and now I'm sitting here thinking about what to say to him if I ever see him again. she just smiled dully at me as she knew exactly how it felt.

“Try to have it like this for ten years and come back to me…” she laughed when I grimaced at the thought, damn I would probably have to spend ten years just finding him.

“I want Dad to come home, here.” I told her honestly and she sighed and pulled up as if I had said something she already knew.

“of course, you want that, Mandy too. he is still your father after all.” She smiled at me as I shook my head at what she said, I wanted them to be together so they would be with each other, and I did not want it to be my future to accept that Dylan would never come back to me.

“You should be together because you love each other. That's all.” I smiled stupidly at her and she just laughed at me now but it was an easy laugh and it made me feel better.

“You should give it a try anyway, or should you go around all your life and know that the man you love is out there and you should just accept that he is not with you?” My voice became more intense with each word now as she studied me casually now.

“That he makes you happy in the same way you do for him?” I had sat up completely now and it felt like it was burning in me, I know I had said it to myself as much as to my mother when I looked up resolutely, he was somewhere, and I would find him.

“Sounds like you made a choice.” She just smiled happily and drank more coffee when I smiled back, it felt good to sit here with her and that she did not admonish me a lot.

“I like this version of you better, so you know.” I laughed at her surprised face when she understood what I meant, and she laughed too.

“Me too.” she smiled with her perfect smile and hid in her jumper and jeans, something I had not seen in her for many years.

 I went over to her sofa and lay down against her without saying more as she pulled her hand over my head lightly and drank coffee while staring thoughtfully into the wall.

“Do you think he'll ever come back?” I looked up at her and she just smiled absently without looking at me before she answered and I still did not know if we were talking about Dad or Dylan at this point, both for sure.

“I do not know sweetheart, but I hope so.” I looked down at my feet and sighed, a couple of days ago I never wanted to see Dylan again and now I wanted nothing more than that he was here with me, so we got to talk about everything, everything with what we had done, our quick engagement and Lorraine… then it hurt me that he did not know he was going to have a child, which he had wanted. I closed my eyes because I did not want to cry anymore.

I drove up the yard home, it was snowing lightly that would rain soon and I almost crawled forward with the older Volvo, I had left Oklahoma faster than I had thought in this weather when I stopped and sat in the car before I was going to go in where my mother was, she was different now, she was wearing loose clothes, she had let her hair down and did not clean every minute of her life, I was happy about that but I was also sad because my father had sent an invitation to his and Linda's wedding after the New Year. I was still bitter as hell over it, I did not even want to visit as I had promised, we had started to have a good relationship again and so he went and made sure to be so stupid to fall in love with mom again and just leave her one more time. I felt the anger bubble up in me and I took a deep breath, I did not want to be upset, I wanted to be calm if not for myself then for the baby who was under the chubby jacket I was wearing, hid me from the world somewhat, not because I was ashamed but more because I did not want to be asked about it by every other person I met when I was out and not at home.

I had gained more weight too, not because it mattered, I had been so slim before that I was glad, I looked more like I was before, men stared at me anyway and I ignored them all.

I opened the door and went out, I had passed this semester that has been and now that it was holiday over Christmas I do not know if I was happy or sad about not being allowed to just bury myself with something instead of just spending the whole my day to think about how much I missed Dylan and that I wanted to talk to him, how scared I was when it felt like everything with the baby had come closer to reality.

I had an appointment for two weeks for ultrasound, I sighed, I would see our baby without him, I wondered if it would be like this forever and closed the door before I went upstairs and opened the door and hung up and stared at me myself in the hall mirror, I was wearing a pair of jeans with stretch and a soft sweater, it was only visible at certain angles and I was grateful for that, I had not said anything to anyone but my family and of course Grant… he had left, and I understood him, nor would I have wanted to see myself if I were him.

“Jennifer?” my mother's voice was soft, and I sighed, I wished I could walk around and be happy with life even though she was abandoned when I felt like a raging storm just waiting to be charged on someone.

“Yes, it's me.” My voice was tired, as usual, had I been anything else since Dylan and I had split up? I snorted to myself, I was pathetic just walking here and waiting for him, but I had not been able to find him anywhere, I really did not know what to do more.

“Can you come and help me?” her voice was happy, and I pulled myself into the living room where she stood with the Christmas tree and threw glitter as if everything was fine, I just looked at her as she turned around and smiled when she saw me, I was so jealous of her happy face.

“Someone is happy…” I muttered angrily when she shrugged and continued when I took one of the bags on the table and threw glitter on the already beautiful tree without caring much about where it ended up and mom just smiled stupidly, okay now knew I that something was wrong.

“Mom, just say what it is instead?” I looked at her euphoric face where her eyes shone with excitement, and I knew it was not Christmas when it was then that she used to be most annoyed at everything before this with dad came out.

“Dad is coming over for the Christmas weekend.” She looked so cheerful, and I died inside, of course, that was why. I stopped throwing glitter and put the bag down no one and stared at her like she was crazy.

“Have you forgotten that he is going to marry someone else soon?” I did not want to kill her light in the eyes, but I thought she was smarter than that at this point, he had chosen, and it was not her.

She looked at me as if she was a little upset by what I said but shook it off and I had had enough, I did not want to see her get more hurt by the same man who did it for ten years.

“Mom, please. He's not here. he chose her.” I said the words coldly and it hurt just as much in me as it did in her as she just smiled sadly and nodded as if she knew that everything, I said was true before she shrugged.

“I can’t help it…” she looked sad now and I hugged her quickly, I so wanted him to be here with, but he was a traitor when all was said and done. Against us all.

“I understand…” I really did, if it was Dylan, I would have felt the same way she did right now.

She cleared her throat when she got tears in my eyes and I let her go again and looked compassionately at her red-blue eyes, just as I hated that people looked at me.

“I’m sorry mom.” I said the words shamefully, I was too harsh on her, I mixed my own feelings towards Dylan in their own complicated relationship which did not make things better.

“You should talk to him Jennifer, he's so sad you do not answer when he calls you. I looked at her face, she talked to him.

She must have seen that I looked questioning and blushed from nowhere, I did not know if I would be happy or sad that they kept in touch so well after what happened after my birthday.

“We talk a couple of times a week on the phone, he wanted to know how it is with everything, you, Mandy, the baby.” She looked like she did not want to say more, and I smiled amused when I added a name to her list.

“You.” She looked up at me as if I had said something forbidden when I laughed at her embarrassment as if it was not true.

“Jennifer.” she looked at me with her sad eyes and I let it go, I had said what I could, it was her life when it came to the crunch.

“I might hear from me… maybe…” I crossed my arms and looked expectantly away from her begging gaze.

“I do not want our… relationship, to affect the one he has with you and Amanda, you are the most important things in his life.” Her voice was tired of having to beg me when I looked up and snorted at her speech.

“You mean me, Mandy AND Levi.” I said his name bitterly without thinking about it and felt horrible, it was not his fault.

She looked a little sadder before she nodded to me, I did not understand how she could just stand there and hear that he had had children with someone else, it would have crushed me.

“I'll get in touch.” I said the words cohesively and turned around, I did not want to talk more about this, and she just looked at me sadly when I went out and up the stairs to the bedroom where I closed the door and locked it.

what if Dylan had someone else? Thought made me feel bad and I pulled out the laptop from under the bed, I had put out several inquiries where I could imagine that he might be able to be and see if anyone had said something, the slightest trace but nothing, I sighed and put it down again, how hard could it be to find him, the last thing I got up was that he was somewhere in Oklahoma if I was to believe it of course.

“Please Dylan, come back.” I prayed loudly and turned off the computer again.

I lay down on the bed, on the side nowadays when I felt heavy on my back even though it had been so long and closed my eyes, I could not take it anymore but still I had to.

I thought about what my mother had said that I should contact my father and I muttered a couple of times before I picked up the phone and wrote quickly and asked how it was.

That was all I was going to do; I was not going to pretend that everything was fine when it was not.

I was just about to fall asleep when the phone vibrated and I opened my eyes, it was Dad who called. I swallowed; did I want to answer him? I sighed, it was just as good otherwise he would gossip to my mother, and she whined at me instead.

“yes?” I sounded angry but he had probably expected that when I heard him sound happy on the other side that I had finally decided to talk to him again.

“Jenni… it's nice to hear your voice.” His own was longing, pleading more or less and I snorted at his already quirky excuses that would come soon.

“Here I am.” Damn how cold I could be, and it was after him, it was his mood that was my legacy and he sighed as if he knew it.

“I thought you would visit now after the exams?” His voice was already hurt, and I looked casually up at the ceiling, he thought a lot.

“I don’t want to.” I said the words straight out, I did not want to see him stand there and pretend to be so damn happy with his new family when he slept with mom a little like a month ago.

He did not answer my dismissive answer and I did not say anything either, I understood that it was difficult for him too, but I felt so disappointed in him, above all.

“Okay, I had hoped you would come but I can’t force you…” his voice was tired and I turned to the side again and sighed.

“I don’t know Dad, not from what I saw the last time you were here.” I said the words heavily and he sounded like he knew it and he seemed to go out the door so that Linda would not hear him, he was exactly as before the cheating bastard. I narrowed my eyes angrily, I hated men, all they did was say one thing and do another.

“I wish you hadn’t seen that….” he was outside now, and I laughed at his answer, me too.

“I've already talked to your mother about that, and we've agreed that it's best for everyone if I stay here.” he sounded so hard now that he was trying to convince himself more than me when I shrugged to myself.

“That is up to you.” I said the words simple; I was not going to force him into something he did not want either.

“But I do not want to lose you or Mandy either…” his voice was so sad now, so I had a bad conscience that I was so hard on him before I figured out why I was angry at him.

“You know where we are.” I bit my lip because I did not want to cry when he sighed and seemed to kick something hard on the other side, so it sounded loud so I almost smoked.

“Should I choose is that how you want it?!” his tone was sharp, and I swallowed, no it was not at all what I wanted. I barely knew myself what I wanted with something.

“No…” I finally got the word out when I wiped the tears away from my eyes as they ran annoyingly down my cheeks and nose where I lay and he heard me crying because I was so good at hiding what I felt, or not.

He seemed to calm down, breathing in and out a couple of times before answering as I quietly sobbed the last tears that were about to disappear as he sighed again at everything that had happened.

“I will always love your mother, no matter what happens, even if we are together or not…” I closed my eyes for a few seconds and put my hand over my eyes, I wondered if that was how Dylan would feel about me now.

“Just not enough to want to be with her…” I said the words empty, I did not feel angry anymore, I just wanted him to come home again I realized now.

He did not answer again, and I got up sitting in bed and looked helplessly at my swivel chair, why was everything so complicated?

“it's not so easy Jenni…” his answer was not as I imagined, and I nervously pulled my hand over my pants while I waited for him to continue.

“I have Levi here, and he is still so young, you and Mandy are adults and can handle yourself.” I laughed softly at his words; nothing could be further from the truth.

“I'm pregnant and abandoned, Mandy is never home nowadays with a new guy every week that she dates, do you call it to be self-sufficient?” I said the words honestly, I do not know what mom had said but Mandy was gone nowadays, I was glad she lived her life as she should, but I missed her and I did not like that she always had a new guy on her social media, as if she had discovered that they existed for the first time.

He did not answer me as he already knew all that, so he was a coward then just like Dylan. I was pissed again and almost wanted to hang up when I heard him crying on the other side and I stopped all my anger, dad cried.

“Everything is my fault and I know it.” his voice was heavy with tears, and I felt like I wanted to cry again when I heard him, nothing was his fault, I had chosen everything myself but I was just so angry at everything, and at Dylan.

“No… it's not dad…” I word comforting as he did not seem to believe in me and cleared his throat as if he was trying to regain control of himself.

“Yes, it is, I was always gone, and you had no one who could protect you, especially you Jenni…” his voice was cracked now and I gave in to the crying again and sobbed myself hard through my sentences.

“I just want you to be here. I'm so scared of everything, of the baby, that I will be left alone for the rest of my life because I will never love anyone but him…” I wanted to love Grant because I knew he would take care of me and the baby, but I didn’t feel the same for him, not as I feel for Dylan.” I sighed now, he would get angry at what I felt for sure, I knew he hated Dylan with every fibre of his body, and I understood him.

He did not answer until we both sounded like we were trying to control ourselves on the other side and he said in a heavy voice on the other side in the end.

“Me and mom will help you as much as we can with the baby…” he sighed and I snorted on my shirt, I was glad I said everything anyway even though he thought it was hard to hear.

“I will try to come more but it is not so easy to just leave everything here Linda works and I just try to make everyone happy.” He sounded bitter as if it was not his own fault.

“Take him with you then. why was it so difficult?” If he could not go, he would have to take Levi with him, I still felt guilty that I had not met my brother yet.

He sounded like he was thinking for a while before shaking his head on the other side.

“no, I don’t want to do that to your mother…” his voice was tender now and I knew he still loved her just as much, then he had to say what he wanted.

“if you are afraid that she will discover that you are unfaithful because of him, it is already too late.” I laughed until now, I did not want to be sad anymore, or that he was.

He snorted before laughing at what I said, and I hoped he wasn’t miserable anymore, I did not want a worse conscience than I already had.

“Jenni, you will meet someone later, like him… you are so young.” he said the words comforting as I confessed my deepest fears to him before and I sighed.

“Tell that to mom… “I had not intended to say anything, and he became silent on the other side, I felt stupid now, I should have been quiet, it was their relationship, not mine.

“Dad I’m sorry” I said the words honestly to him as he had not yet answered, and I knew my mother would be angry because I had put myself in their relationship.

-please say nothing to mom, I know I talk too much about things I should be quiet about. I started to panic as he still had not answered on the other side and I thought about what he was doing when he just said finally.

“Did she say that she still loved me?” his voice sounded hurt, and I did not want to answer any more, I had said enough.

“Ask her.” I said the words repulsively and he sighed as he had already done, and I put my hand on my forehead and wanted to hide from the outside world over having happened to reveal something that she did not want him to hear.

“I have to go now Jenni…” he still sounded hurt, and I whispered goodbye before I hung up and felt so f*****g stupid now, I did not want to be in the middle of their relationship, I just wanted us to be together again.

“You will pay for this Jennifer.” I said the words to myself and hung up the phone.