Pregnant with the Bad Boy

56

“Dylan?”

I said his name longingly as every part of me screamed for him and he froze from my voice as if he was hoping it was not me standing there as I just stared at his back which collapsed, and he turned around.

Fuck.

It was him… I looked at him confused, had he been here in Perryville the whole time?!

I had chased him around the world it felt like…

He sighed before he had even said anything as he looked at me with his hands in his pockets and weighed on his feet as he was in a hurry and did not want to see me at all.

His face was tired, he looked older around the eyes that were pale with the beard that covered most of his face.

“Jennifer.” he said my name briefly, as if we were strangers, as if we had never shared everything once upon a time. it hurt in the chest that his grey sharp eyes looked dead at me.

I must have looked stupid because he looked like he wanted to go and almost started doing it when I panicked and took a step towards him as he backed away at once, so it cut deep into me, he really did not want to be in near me.

I collapsed more and just looked hurt at him, I had so much I wanted to say but now that I was standing here and he looked at me like I was dead to him, I knew nothing anymore.

“So did you want something or what?” He looked at the phone, I tried to find the words, but it felt like all I came up with were single words that echoed in my brain.

“Where have you been?” My voice was weak, as if I was almost whispering and he just looked at me with a dead smile that I had nothing to do with it.

“Everywhere.” He said nothing more and I noticed that he liked to see me suffer, that bastard, he had not changed a damn thing when he looked at me with cold hatred in his eyes.

“I been looking for you, everywhere.” I said the last word clearly when he laughed as I said something funny and I felt bad to see him be like this towards me, I do not know what I expected, I knew we did not end well but I still thought that what we had had counted for something but apparently not when he just stood there and taunted me.

“I know.” he said the word so sincerely and so I wanted to sit down, he knew about it, and he had not answered, not a single f*****g time!

“So not once could you have answered me?!” My voice was louder now, angry and he just looked at me and shook his head at me as if he had never intended to do so, ever.

“Why? You had already given me everything I wanted.” His voice was icy cold when I remembered when he had had his mother's cross thrown at him, it felt like a whole lifetime for me then, but he seemed to have it fresh in my memory.

“All you wanted?” I looked at him in dismay as he just looked to the side as he was just waiting to go and I stood there shaking to see him, I had longed for him, dreamed of him and this was the reality.

“I had f**k you in every way I wanted so I'm happy with that.” I staggered and grabbed the roof of the car, did he mean it or not? It felt like I could not breathe anymore and the whole world was spinning as I gasped at the anger that came from nowhere, which he could always do to me.

“you know it wasn’t like that between us Dylan, do not even try to kid yourself that you just wanted to f**k me!” I said the words harsh, angry and he smiled cryptically at me as if he knew something I did not do and looked at me with his cold eyes that felt like I could not get up anymore soon.

“Are you sure about that? I still got you to do as I wanted, all I had to do was play the good boyfriend you so desperately wanted me to be.” It flashed in his predator eyes now and I blinked stupidly at what he had said, he meant that he just pretended to care about me and everything that belonged to do what he wanted with me.

I did not answer now but looked down as he only studied me carefree. I do not know who the man in front of me was, but it was not the same man who had helped me from dying in the forest, or he who had took me in, comforted me, loved me.

No, he could not mean it, not after all we had together. I stared certain into his eyes.

“I don’t believe you.” I stood completely still with my arms by my side and had my hands tied tightly to ward off the tears, I refused to cry, I would not give him that pleasure.

He only looked at those he already knew what I was doing, of course he knew me better than anyone else.

“You can cry yourself blue, so you know, I won’t care. he said the words so simply and I gasped as his voice found its way into me and tore me to pieces, like everything I had fought for fell in a few seconds off his face which was hard, his eyes which were like frozen and his scornful smile that he knew exactly how to crush me.

“You're a f*****g bastard.” I said the only thing that came to mind, and he laughed again as I said something that amused him more than anything else.

“I told you, didn’t I? you were just too stupid to believe me.” it flashed in his eyes when I gave in and started to cry, I did not care, he was already so mean that it could not get worse anyway.

“Poor stupid girl.” He said the words contemptuously and I could barely breathe anymore from what he did to me, I had never seen him so f*****g cold as now.

“I hate you!” I spat out the words as his eyes flashed when he took three quick steps towards me so I staggered back and looked straight into my eyes with his own hard diamonds that just watched my reaction of having him so close that I could lay my arms around him if I dared and smiled superiorly when he knew I was shaking at this point of wanting to touch him no matter how horrible he was to me.

“I hate you too.” I gasped as he turned on his heel and I saw how he disappeared from me as I sat down on the ground where he left me and cried loudly with his hands in front of my face.

I wished I had never met him, ever… then I could have lived on the illusion that he wanted me, that we would be reconciled and start over, but the only thing that had resulted was that I am sitting here, and he had left me.

That we hated each other.

I pulled myself up, I was not going to fall apart like last time how f*****g mean he was to me, I put my hand where he was a child, I did not even know if I wanted to tell anymore, not after what had happened, I pulled angry away the tears, I did not want to cry over him, no more.

I got in the car and started it, no matter who he had been with me, that man was dead and there was only someone left who was a stranger to me. I hit the steering wheel hard a couple of times before I drove out, I wish I had stayed with Grant right now, he had treated me well anyway…

I drove out on the highway, I hated him so damn much, I had done everything for him, everything and given him my whole body and soul but he had just thrown me away.

I started laughing, this was my fault, just mine, he had said himself that I had been too stupid to listen to him.

The image of how he stood near me came up over me, I had frozen, just like in the beginning, when I did not know where to go for everything that was rushing around in me, I hated myself that I had reacted the same way, that I just stood there and took everything he wanted to say to me and I barely got a word out of what I wanted to say.

I turned off towards the yard and drove in, everything looked the same but I was not, I had let him break my heart… again. I was sitting in the car afraid to go in when I knew that one of my family would look at me what it was and I could not keep quiet, I did not know if I wanted to either, why would I protect Dylan? he did not want to do anything with me anymore… I put my head down to my chest and let my tears come out, I wanted to die again.

I had lived that he would love me the same way as before, but I saw nothing in his eyes anymore, only the hatred when he looked at me and that was probably the worst part of it all, that I saw that he really did, he always said as it was.

I do not know how long I sat there when the door opened and I saw Dad standing there and looking worried, I looked at him and smiled faintly, what could I say. I was just a stupid girl.

He helped me up and I saw that it was dark outside all of a sudden when I stood up swaying and held on to him so as not to fall over on the way in when I grabbed my hand to get up the stairs to not stumble and he shouted at my mother who came down the stairs and ran down the last bit when she saw me.

“How long has she been sitting out there?” Mom's voice was accusing as if it was Dad's fault that I had my heart broken again.

“I saw her just when I went down to the kitchen…” he looked worried when I did not even shake, I just sat there and mom pulled her hands over me, tried to get the heat in me before she pulled off my jacket and pulled on a plaid quickly while Dad began to start the fire in the fireplace.

“What happened?! Jenni!?” He looked back at me as I just smiled faintly again and started laughing before I knew it when they just looked at me anxiously and I stopped as if I had finished laughing.

“Dylan.” I said his name amused as if he had not just torn out my heart and stomped on it in front of me.

“That f*****g bastard! I knew it! I knew it Grace! Look at her, it's clear as day that he's made her like this!” he was already screaming and I just looked indifferently at his anger, what did it help to be angry, there was nothing anyone could do to get the man I loved back, he was just dead.

“Ed…” mother's voice was tired and pleading as if she knew the same thing as him but knew that there was no point in getting angry, it would not help me.

“I'm going to kill him Grace, I'm not kidding, if I ever see him, he's f*****g dead!” He screamed again and I blinked at him, he was already dead, even though they had not understood.

“I know Ed… I know…” she put her arm comforting on his shoulder as he looked to start crying soon where I sat and did not say a word to any of them.

“Look what he did to our daughter…” he sank down on the other side of the couch and put his face in his hands frustrated at not being able to help me. no one could.

“I'm not waiting around this time Ed, I refuse to see her sit and starve herself to death again.” she just looked at me and looked crushed by what she saw. I just smiled faintly at what she had said, I did not care if I was here or the hospital, wherever I was I would be dead.

“I remember when she was born and I saw her for the first time, I promised myself that I would protect her from the world…” he cried now when my mother put her arm around him and just looked at me who blinked back at them.

“I failed her.” He said the words loudly and I said nothing, what would I say, maybe he had done it when I just looked at them before I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes and let the darkness take over me.

they had taken me to the hospital again, I just stared at the man sitting on the other side of the room and asked me a lot of things I could not answer while my mother was sitting in the other corner and looked unhappy at me when he thanked me, but I had not said a word and they went out.

I looked at the door where they were standing, and my mother was crying now when the man talked to her, and she nodded several times as if she knew what he was already saying.

They had taken me, and she had cried and hugged me when I smiled weakly at her, I did not want her to be sad, it was not her fault.

“They will help you Jennifer, so you will be better again…” she had said the words sobbing and I had wanted to say that I would never be, but I could not and had only followed the woman who smiled kindly at me.

Now I was sitting here, I do not know how many days it passed when I stared out the window with my legs dangling on the side, I had started talking again so they were happy when I felt the hose that went down through my nose for a hundred times, so that I would not lose weight again, they had said. I quickly looked at the bag that hung next to me on a stand, it looked disgusting when I turned my head away no one, it was closer to Christmas now, maybe it was them too when I saw the decorative Christmas things that adorned the outside in the corridor.

“Jennifer.” I looked at the man who came in through the door, he was friendly, with understanding eyes that analysed me all the time, he had been here a lot and I had said a few words to him, answered a few times while he wrote quickly on a pad.

“Hello.” I said the word kindly, I wanted to go home now and the only way to do that was to show that I wanted to talk.

“How are you today?” He sat down on the chair next to me and I shrugged, I was okay when he just smiled at me, and I looked down again.

“And what about the pregnancy?” He looked calmly at me as I put my hand down and smiled at his question.

“Good.” I held my hand, I hated Dylan, but I did not hate the child, it was my fault that I had fallen for him, and he had used me and thrown me away.

“that’s nice to hear…” he now smiled at me as if he looked really happy and I looked away, I did not want to talk about something that made me think of Dylan, did not even really touch him.

“I heard from your mother that you were going for a sonography in a few days, how does it feel?” he sat with the pen in his hand, and I said it felt good again.

He wrote again and looked at me with a different look now and said in a friendly voice.

“How do you feel about the father? Dylan?” his eyes were questioning, and I just stared at him, it felt like I wanted to shout at him that I never wanted to see him again, that he even dared to mention his name to me.

“He is dead.” I had darker eyes now and he nodded as he agreed and continued.

“But he's not dead, your family has told you that you two were getting married and he betrayed you to another woman, is that right?” I just blinked at what he said, he was kidding with me, why did he ask me all these stupid questions? What the hell would that help !?

“I don’t give a f**k about him…” I clenched my jaws hard when the man in front of me leaned forward and looked at me as if he wanted to challenge me more.

“He abandoned you, how do you feel when you think about it?” I was now burning inside as he watched me get up and stared blackly into his fearless eyes that only looked at me calmly as I shouted angrily at him.

“He can burn in hell! He said he was just faking, that all we had was…” I sat down helplessly on the saws again and hid my face.

“He said that he just faked everything, that he only said that he loved me so that I would do as he wanted….” I still looked down with tears in my eyes,” he had said that everything was just lies.”

The man sat quietly as I raised my head again and looked at his compassionate eyes, but I did not care, he did not feel sorry for me, more showed that he cared.

I shrugged, what did it really matter, I was sitting here, and he was where the hell he was now somewhere.

“Do you believe that? that he just faked everything? That he lied when he said he loved you?” I laughed to joyless, I did not know what to think.

“I don’t know, maybe.” I crossed my arms as he leaned back again and crossed his legs and I stared at his relaxed way of being like this inside me, not like when someone in the family was here and was afraid to even say the wrong things to me.

“But if you had to choose yes, or no?” His voice was so driven but still not when I sighed and became silent, I wanted to say yes but I did not believe it I figured now, why else would he have been so f*****g cold to me? it was his defence against the world, and we had hurt each other more than anyone else had done.

“No, I do not believe in him.” I said the words heavily, but it felt good for some reason as he looked happy again and quickly wrote something I would never see.

“Why?” I just watched him amused and turned, I do not know why but it felt good to talk to someone who was not afraid that I would lie down and start crying again.

“Because that's how he is, I know him even if we were only together for a short time, he loves me whether he wants to or not.” I jerked at my own answer, just as I would always love him.

“Sounds like you interpret a lot in a couple of weeks?” His voice was challenged again but this time I did not get angry, because I knew I was right.

“It was not a couple of weeks, not for us, we loved each other from the first night… that is probably why it ended the way it did, neither of us was ready for what we felt.”

I was silent and he wrote a lot now and I just sat with my arms crossed and sighed, I wanted to go home.

“Thank you for telling me.” He smiled again and got up and I sighed as he was about to go out.

“When can I come home again?” I was tired of being here, I did not want to spend my whole life in here, especially not if it was because Dylan was a asshole against me, I would try not to hate him. what did it do for a living?

“Soon.” He just said that and left.

I sat still, his questions made me so confused but I understood that Dylan probably hated me, but just for what I had done to him, I had taken his worst nightmare and used it against him, no wonder he did the same against me now.

I sighed, when I got out of here, I would talk to him again, try to make him understand that we could not go on like this whether we wanted to be with each other or not, he was the father of the child and no one else, he would get to know it.

I lay down and closed my eyes, it did not feel as heavy anymore and I snorted, as quirky questions as he had said and I was already lying here and analysing everything as if my life was already upside down, it was not.