Pregnant with the Bad Boy

39

I ran after him and stopped him on the porch, he stopped but didn't look at me as I cried hysterically that he was leaving me, just like Dylan had done.

“Please forgive me Grant!” I stood in front of him and prayed as he just smiled absently at me where I was sobbing.

“Why are you saying sorry for Jennifer? that's the truth.” His voice sounded cold, not like his own and I tried to say something, but he was right it was the truth, but not the whole not the part I wanted him to hear as he tried to walk around me and I threw myself into his arms and clutched his shirt tightly. He sighed and closed his eyes briefly as I sobbed briefly into his expensive clothes.

“Jennifer...” he was about to grab my arms to pull me away when I looked up at his wounded face, that's what I did best, hurt people.

“No. No!” I held on and begged on my knees for him to stay as he took me away and looked into my eyes with those warm brown eyes that made me feel alive again.

“I feel something for you Grant...” I sobbed as he looked at me searching into my desperate eyes, I wanted him to know, I wanted to be with him.

“But not the way you feel about him? Don't you?” His voice wasn't angry anymore and I blinked at his understanding, he just smiled sadly at me as I let go of him, he had made up his mind and I didn't want to beg anymore.

“no.“ I turned my head away and he nodded heavily, how many times would I disappoint him in such a short time? I felt the anger coming, f**k Dylan, I didn't want to love him anymore, I wanted to hate him with all my might.

I wanted to hate him for everything he had done to me, what he had made me do to Grant, what he had done to my family and our child that he had just left me with.

“But I want to love you like I love him one day... if you give me a chance?”

 I looked wide-eyed at his surprised face that just looked like a confusion of emotions, just the way I felt all the time.

I sighed, what I was about to say now was hard and almost unbearable for me, but I didn't want Grant to leave, or disappear out of mine I had realised when he had kissed me again and I looked resignedly at his sad face that looked so longing for me even though I had ruined everything between us, the short moment we had had.

“He is the first man I ever loved, and he wanted me to marry him. He was my whole world, and I could do anything for him...” I let go of him completely now, if he wanted to go, he could. I looked down at my boots in shame and he sighed and ran his hands through his hair before he answered me.

“Sounds like a dream...” he looked at me wearily and sounded sarcastic, another thing I hadn't heard him be so far. I was more ashamed, I hadn't wanted to tell him about my past as I was beginning to understand that everything hadn't been as good as I thought it was.

“So, is that why you cry when you're near me? did he hurt you?” Grant's voice was harsh now and I sighed to myself as he looked at me urging me to admit the truth to him.

“No... never on purpose...he was just being rough...” I stopped myself, did I really want to tell Grant about everything we had done? My head sank down as his eyes had darkened more and I felt the nausea hit me of having to even say things I didn't even want to think about right now.

“He liked to be in charge in sex... and really in everything else too...” I still looked down at my shoes as I was too ashamed to admit that I had been in on everything he had done, almost in all cases...

“Was he the first one you've been with? "I gasped at his blunt question and was about to say no before I realised, he had been and nodded heavily as Grant's eyes looked at me quizzically as he wondered about everything I said, and I crossed my arms and looked back down at the floor.

“I was in on everything...” I said the words shamefully, I didn't want to lie, I hadn't been better myself, it wasn't all Dylan's fault even if he had pushed me in a direction, I hadn't chosen myself.

“You were?” he laughed now as I had said something funny, and I sat down hopelessly on the stairs and to my surprise he sat down next to me.

“I think you didn't even know what you were okay with...” His voice sounded softer now, more like himself and I swallowed, I had no idea what I was doing still.

“I was okay with everything back then...we were only together a couple of weeks...” it felt crazy when I counted the time, we had rushed through everything we did because we loved each other, or so I had thought, I had loved him anyway.

“We were getting married...and he wanted me to take out my birth control so we could have children together...” I closed my eyes now; he had got what he wanted and now I was here abandoned by his lies.

Grant actually looked shocked now, I understood why he had probably thought we'd been together longer than before he'd first seen me.

“But we fought all the time too, I didn't want to do anything but make him happy so... I did things I might not have wanted to do because with him everything was normal... I dropped my head in shame, how do you tell someone you wanted to be with but didn't understand what you had been through.

Grant hadn't said anything yet and I sat silent, now I had said everything, now he could leave me if he wanted to, I wouldn't stop him from leaving this time.

Is that why you left him? His voice was sad again as I shook my head, now smiling at the irony.

“No... he was still in love with his old girlfriend, so I saw them making out in the parking lot right after the whole damn world knew we were engaged...”

I wanted to bang my head on the wooden planks, damn I'd been stupid, dumbest most stupid girl in the whole town, and he'd seen it on me for sure.

“He sounds like a bastard.” Grant's voice was still shocked at what I had said, and I understood him, Dylan wasn't the easiest man to be around.

“He said it too, when we met, that he knew about it, and I didn't believe him even though he said it to my face...” I had started to laugh now, stupidest girl ever.

Grant just looked at me sympathetically as I sat staring out into the yard with him next to me, f*****g Dylan destroying everything he touched... I pulled myself up and looked at him, stupidly hoping he would stop even though I knew it wasn't true.

“Grant... I know everything I say is terrible... but I'm not so innocent either, I may have done everything for him but there are things that were my own choices too...” I smiled now; the memory of the bar popped up where I had seen him for the first time.

“Like when I saw you for the first time, it was my choice to kiss you, and I liked it.” I turned to him and smiled warmly at the memory. It was something that I know Dylan scolded me about and accused me of liking, and he hadn't been wrong.

“Me too.” He was laughing now and even though it was a weak laugh, I felt like he was starting to understand why I was the way I was.

I sighed loudly, how I wished I had just stayed by Grant's side, then maybe I wouldn't have had to go through all the suffering I had endured.

“I wish I had a time machine, then I would never have stopped kissing you.”

I laughed at my own wish as he put his hand on my leg and looked tenderly at my surprised face.

“Would you like to try again?” he smiled now, and I wrung my hands before looking at him shyly where he just sat straight up and asked me if I wanted to kiss him.

“Just like that?” I looked in surprise at his calm face with hypnotic eyes shining warmly at me.

“If you want, we'll start over.” He sounded serious as I nodded at his suggestion, nothing would make me happier.

“hi”. I leaned forward enough to feel his breath as he smiled at my movement.

“hi”. He touched my hair now and I closed my eyes for a few seconds.

“Would you like to kiss me?” I smiled as I said the same thing as the first time we met, the time I wanted to make Dylan jealous.

“I'd love to miss.” I giggled before he leaned forward and I closed my eyes as his lips met mine, feeling as if every atom in me stood still as he touched me and as if time stood still.

I opened my eyes and gasped at what had happened, it had felt like I couldn't breathe when he touched me.

I sat still and watched his calm gaze in amazement, as if he had seen every thought that had passed through me.

“Thank you for telling Jennifer.” he stood up now and I felt so confused, was he going to leave anyway? I closed my eyes sadly as he took my hand and stroked it with his thumb.

“Don't worry, I'll be back...” he smiled reassuringly with his warm smile, and I nodded resignedly as he let go of my hand and walked back to the car, he needed to make up his own mind about everything I had said, I hoped he would choose me when he had worked out what he wanted.

I watched the car disappear onto the highway as the door opened and my mother came and sat next to me, staring at the same spot as me.

“You know he's done more than any man should have to take You've barely seen each other and he's willing to be with you...after all.” She sighed and I followed her, I so wished I had met him first, maybe it wouldn't have mattered as I twisted my knees restlessly.

“I know, I don't deserve him...” I smiled, it still felt good that he knew somehow, that he knew what he was getting into.

“Dylan will be back Jennifer.” she looked at me now and I swallowed nervously, I knew it too, as much as I hated him, I knew he would come back for me, because that's what I would have done.

“I know...but I don't want to think about it now.” I looked at her resignedly, I still didn't know how I was going to solve all this, I wanted to be with Grant but what would happen to me when I saw Dylan again? He made me lose control completely.

“Remember that sticking your head in the sand only lasts so long before it backfires on you.” She said nothing more after that as I shamefully put my head down. She was right as usual.

“I'll try harder, to get hold of him.” I smiled faintly, a smile that didn't match my sad eyes at all as she put her arm around me, and we stared out into the yard.