Pregnant with the Bad Boy

38

I was sitting at the computer watching some lecture I barely listened to, school had started, and I was supposed to be back in Oklahoma by now, but I had decided I didn't fit in on campus anymore, I was going to try anyway as I would need a good job if I was going to support myself and the baby.

I hadn't found Dylan one despite my attempts, it seemed he had gone underground, and I had no desire to ask around the city about him as I didn't want to look any more pathetic than I did.

I spun around a lap on the chair, I hadn't done anything but sit in here since everything happened, I was still sad but it was different anyway, I ate when I was supposed to and I didn't cry every waking minute, but still it wasn't good, I missed Grant too, he still hadn't gotten back to me and I didn't blame him, we had barely started seeing each other when everything had come out, he didn't owe me anything, not even an explanation why he just disappeared, but it still hurt when I thought about it.

I turned off the lecture and stood up, I was going to go down and see what mum was doing, Mandy had started school again and I was so bored up here now that I wasn't thinking about how I just wanted to lie down and die somewhere.

I walked quickly down the room, I was wearing a woollen dress with long sleeves to protect me from the cold winds that had begun to sweep across the landscape, summer was over, and it felt symbolic somehow, my one summer with Dylan was over, like a fairy tale that I would only think about when I was older.

Mum sat in the window embroidering, I sat bored next to her as she glanced at me and carried on, she was home more than she used to be and I knew she wanted to keep an eye on me so I still ate as I should.

“Where is Clark?” I picked at what was left of the manicure on my nails, it felt like a dream too, and now it was gone.

“He is on a home visit to the neighbouring town; they have someone dying and their pastor had caught the flu.” She didn't look at me as she replied, just stitched carefully on her cloth on which she had made several rows of beautiful flowers, I watched her slender fingers with fascination, how she did it I had no idea as she looked up at me and smiled at my admiring gaze.

“What did your dad say?” She had heard me talking to him during the morning and I shrugged, what had we said, nothing special, just talking about things that weren't that important, but it felt good to hear his voice.

“Nothing, he just wanted to know how I was doing...” I gave her a weak smile as she put the needle down and smiled warmly back at me.

“I'm so glad you're talking, I know how unhappy you've been over the years...” she was silent in shame, I put my hand on hers, I wasn't angry with her, sometimes you loved someone who wasn't good for you, and so it had been for my parents.

“Me too.” I squeezed her hand lightly and she smiled happily at my response, I looked out the window as she picked up the needle again.

“We weren't always like this Jennifer... once upon a time we were happy...” she smiled at the memory that lit up her whole face and I smiled at her nostalgia, I remembered some of it but not much.

“I will never forget the first time I saw him; it was just before Christmas, and he was standing in a cafe downtown.” She shuddered at the memory as she could still see the handsome young man, I knew Dad had been from briefly in front of her.

“he was so handsome and everyone wanted him of course, even me as he looked at me and I knew I was already hooked when I saw his green mysterious eyes.” she looked at mine meaningfully and laughed a little as I smiled playfully at her words, it was rare that I heard her say anything about what had happened in the past, especially not about how they had met.

“so did you guys talk at all?” I laughed as she shook her head at my question and blushed almost like she was sixteen again.

“God no, I was too shy, I had just moved here with grandma and grandpa, I was terrified and walked away.” She laughed again and I sat down more comfortably, my grandparents were no longer alive, they had died around my birth to my mother's sorrow.

“I was only sixteen, I didn't know anything about love or anything like that.” I laughed but it felt sad, why did it sound like it was me and Dylan she was talking about...? I looked out the window again, where the hell was he?

“so, you guys fell in love then?” I leaned my knees up and hadn't taken my eyes off the road, I really wished I could see the black pickup truck coming driving inside me as she sighed loudly and still sighed.

“No, dear heavens, I was hiding from him, he had enough girls around, he was Edgar jr Thompson and he could have anyone he wanted so why would he have wanted me?” she shrugged as if I didn't already know what was going to happen.

“What happened then? At some point you must have met again?" I pointed to myself as living proof of that.

“Well... of course, I had problems with my car, and he came by and helped me, I was so nervous I thought I was going to faint when he just looked at me and dazed me with his amazing smile.” She sighed again and closed her eyes like she was seeing him in front of her twenty years ago still.

“And?” I leaned forward curiously as if I could hear better what she was saying when she opened her eyes again and looked at me.

“We started talking and before I knew it, I was the most envied girl in Perryville.” She laughed at the memory as I rolled my eyes, I recognized the story, how everyone wanted him.

“And then you became the most unenviable girl in all of Perryville.” I put my head down, that's where I was now.

“No, no it wasn't like that, we had a great time together Jennifer, we moved in together when Dad started school in Little Rock.” I felt nauseous, why did it sound just like me and Dylan just a long time ago.

“Then you had me, and everything went to downhill.” I looked sad at the yellowed leaves as my mother took my hand and made me look at her.

“It wasn't like that, don't ever think that. we were happy, about everything, about you, even if it was scary, we had it good for years before we started to drift apart...” she had tears in her eyes and I looked questioningly at her face, I had always thought that they hated each other since they had me, that they were only together because of that.

“I thought you only got married because of me?” I looked sadly at her sad face as she stroked my hand.

“No, we loved each other, of course we got married faster when we were going to have you, but we were already planning to do that.” She smiled tenderly at me as I took her hand, it felt good to know.

“Thanks for telling me mom...” I looked at her and she quickly brushed away the tears with her free hand.

“You are so much like him Jennifer, every day I see you I see him in you, his determination, his strength.” She ran her hand over my hair and smiled to herself.

“His eyes, his hair, sometimes it feels like you don't have a piece of me in you as you were always his shadow as a child, just as stubborn and determined.” She laughed and let go of my hair as I shook my head.

“Of course, I'm like you too...” I smiled fondly at her, I wanted to believe I had her courage and heart that I admired so much.

“I know... even if your father's traits are the strongest, you're my blood too.” She kissed my head, and I closed my eyes, why had she never said any of this before? I had never bothered to ask, always pushed her away, blamed everyone around me for their flaws and faults, and now I was the one sitting here who would be blamed for sure in the future.

“Now, let's go downstairs, I'll do something nice for us.” She dragged me along and I walked wearily to the kitchen where she took out a pie dish, perfect more pie. I rolled my eyes, it wasn't like we didn't have piles of it since the apple trees had started to bear fruit for the season.

“Jennifer, can you please get me some apples?” She smiled at me as I sighed and started walking out towards the hall, putting on my boots and coat as I heard her voice again this time worried.

“Only from the lowest branches!” I ignored her admonition and went outside, the air was cool and I walked slowly down to the end of the yard where the apple trees stood, Mom would have been baking pie all fall, I just knew it like she did every year, I pulled my coat closer to me, it was overcast outside and I sank into the soft grass with my heels, I was still thinking about what Mom had told me, about them being happy and me not ruining their lives like I had thought in the latter part of my life, maybe they would work it out for me too, or would Dylan be sitting with our child in twenty years and telling us he regretted not being there? The thought made me sad as I reached the apple trees, they didn't have much fruit yet thankfully, I glanced at the lowest branches, they were empty or unripe, I looked away towards the house, mum was so ridiculous sometimes, just because I was pregnant, I'd been made of glass.

I looked at the ladder that was leaning and bit my lip and started to climb up a few steps, I felt like I was six years old again and doing something naughty as I laughed to myself and reached over and pulled down a ripe apple, and another. I was about to pull down the last one when I heard a familiar voice behind me and gasped in fright at having been caught.

“Are you really supposed to be up there in your condition?” The voice was soft but firm, it had warmth in it, and I blinked in surprise as I turned to see Grant standing there smiling at me as if he saw me and I was clinging to the ladder frozen by his unexpected arrival.

He was wearing a light brown sweater that made his own dark brown eyes almost sparkle and a black goose down vest with long pants, he looked good though I could see he looked tired around the eyes as he hadn't been able to sleep the last two weeks, I hadn't seen him, I felt guilty seeing him like that as I knew it was probably my fault.

“Grant, what are you doing here?” I started to take the steps down as he walked towards me and before I could protest, he had grabbed around my waist and helped me down, I tried to ignore how soft and steady his hands were around me and how my heart was racing faster from seeing him.

I slowly turned around and barely dared to look him in the eye as he stood there, just smiling at me with his loving eyes.

“I missed you.” His words were honest, and it stabbed me in the heart, I had missed him too, more than I had understood where he stood in front of me and looked at me like I wasn't ruined by Dylan.

I lowered my gaze shyly, it felt strange when he just looked at me like nothing had happened and he took my hand gently, it felt like it was burning from his touch as I looked up at his longing face.

“I've missed you too...” I smiled now, I was glad he was here, whatever he wanted it just felt good in me, his closeness made me calm as he caressed the back of my hand with his thumb, so it tingled all over me from his fingers.

“So… I've been thinking, for real, not just getting drunk and stumbling into your home...” he was embarrassed when I laughed, that's exactly what he'd done but I didn't care if it meant he'd stay with me.

“So...?” I looked hopefully into his eyes that shone so brightly at me, I know I was selfish, and that he deserved better than me, but I so wanted to not let go of him when he made my world a brighter place to live in.

“So, I say okay, you say you're having a baby, with your creep of an ex-boyfriend.” He shrugged like it didn't bother him as much as it should have as I laughed at his nonchalance at the seriousness, I was in.

“Just like that? Just, okay?” I smiled suspiciously as he took his other hand and put one on my cheek and I gasped at him coming so close, I hadn't been prepared for it at all.

“I've considered the matter after more nights without sleep that I'm not going to let it stop me from being with you.” I shuddered at his words, the way he said it like it was a given and a challenge he was going to overcome.

I looked at him for a while, wondering if he really understood what he was saying, or if he even really meant it? I leaned back against the ladder to get some distance until his wonderful scent that had already made me shiver to touch him again.

“You understand that I intend to keep it? that this is not something I'm going to change?” I stared into his eyes which took on a darker hue from what I had said as he nodded as he had understood when I hadn't dropped his mysterious face with his gaze, I looked for any trace of that doubt in his face as he noticed what I was doing and leaned closer so that he was almost completely leaning over me where we stood out by the apple trees.

“You still don't believe me?” He smiled now; it was a sly smile like he had no intention of giving up on me.

“no...” I said the words honestly, how could I, he had everything to gain by leaving me and everything to lose if we continued to see each other.

He leaned all the way to my ear, so I felt his breath on my neck and whispered so that every hair on my body stood up now.

“I keep telling you, I don't give up that easily... I gasped at his words as he pulled his head back and leaned his face down against mine as we almost touched.

I stood petrified beneath him; he was so close now that I could barely hear my own breaths as my heart drowned out everything with its pounding.

 “So, what do you say Jennifer, should we give it a shot?” His voice was weak now as I didn't know what to say, all I wanted was to say yes but I wasn't sure if that was as smart as it felt where I was standing under his body longing to touch him.

“I want to...” I stammered out the words as he smiled confidently and touched my nose with his own affection and I blinked at his affection, it felt so innocent yet it instilled hope in me.

“I want to.” My voice was more confident now as his face lightened up and I waited expectantly for his mouth to touch mine softly for a few seconds before looking at him again lovingly, he was really here, he hadn't abandoned me like Dylan, I kissed him again almost losing my breath at his mouth and tongue meeting mine as he put his arms around me and pulled me quickly into his arms which I gratefully laid my head against and closed my eyes for a moment as he just held me tight like he never wanted to let go again, and I probably didn't want to either.

I smiled fondly at him as we finally let go of each other, was he really here? I'm sure he could get any woman he wanted with his charming ways and money, but he was here and told me he wanted to give us a chance. I shuddered at the word us.

“Come on, Mom's making pie.” I pulled him lightly by the hand and we walked slowly back up to the house, I didn't know what the future held for us, but I sincerely hoped he would stay with me, I just wanted to be near him since everything happened.

We walked up the stairs through the door, I knew my mother had already seen him and I said a quick prayer that she wouldn't think we were crazy, and she believed him when he said he was ready to stay.

“Wait, I don't know what mom will say so you know...” I had stopped him in the hall, and he just smiled confidently at me own uncertain like he had it all figured out, it was one of the things I admired most about him.

“it'll be fine, don't worry so much.” He caressed my face quickly and took my hand, I swallowed and hoped he was right, I didn't think she would be as happy as I wanted her to be.

Mum was standing by the kitchen island, wearing her favourite cat apron and slicing apples carefully with a large knife, I looked at it nervously and imagined she was going to do something stupid before I shook the image off, Grant was not Dylan.

I plucked up courage and stepped into the kitchen as if she hadn't already seen our intertwined hands when she looked up and looked at Grant's smiling face, she didn't look impressed, and my heart sank at her wary expression.

“Mr Stone.” She nodded at him and he back, I myself felt like I didn't know where to go anymore.

“Do you feel better?” She looked scrutinized at his face which was still smiling charmingly, and he laughed as if she had been joking, I wanted to shake my head at him, but she had already seen it and sighed.

“Jennifer, why is he here?” She pointed the knife at Grant who looked at it nervously for a second before regaining his calm mask, I sighed too and sat down at one of the chairs by the island.

“I can answer that, Mrs. Thompson.” He smiled and sat down next to me as Mum sighed for the second time and looked at him, it wasn't like her to be so hard on people, especially guests.

“Okay Mr Stone why are you here?” she put the knife down and leaned against the bench as I suffered seeing her like this, it was my fault, because she was worried about me from all the stupid choices I had made, and she couldn't trust Grant to be a good man because she had seen what Dylan had done to me.

“Please, call me Grant.” He smiled and still held my hand, it felt reassuring when my mother couldn't even be polite anymore.

“Okay. Grant.” She stressed his name hard. “Why are you here?” She narrowed her eyes at me as I tried to catch her gaze, but Grant was calm as usual and didn't even take offense at Mom's anger.

-I am here because I wanted to tell your daughter personally that I would like to continue seeing her, even if the situation is as it is. His voice was sincere, and she laughed low at his defence, and I sweated, I was an adult, and I was afraid of what she would say, she was not in a playing mood.

“Situation? Is that all it is?” She saw his face as he seemed to be a little nervous now, I was sweating rivers it seemed as she crossed her arms and looked defiantly at his now nervous gaze.

“You do know that this situation will exist forever? That there is nothing that will go away? One day it will be here and what do you do then?” She looked at both of us and I sunk down, she was right. This wasn't a temporary hiccup that went away on its own, it was a life-changing decision I had made.

“Mrs Thompson. I know.” He suddenly looked confidently into her eyes as I watched in surprise as he shrugged his shoulders again as if he had regained his courage about the whole thing.

“Do you really do that Grant?” She was a little pleased with his answer, but I knew she wasn't finished with him yet as I bit my nail nervously at their exchange of words.

-yes. He was looking at her now without a trace of humour or levity, so I took a breath, he was really serious about the whole thing.

“I'm prepared to be with Jennifer anyway.” His voice was so confident, and I smiled at him, I hoped with all my heart that he wanted it, I needed him in my life.

“What happens when the baby is born? What do you do then?” I whimpered, mom really didn't spare the tough questions, I wouldn't have blamed him if he had just got up and walked right now as much pressure as she was putting on him.

“Mom please...” I begged for mercy, but she didn't care as Grant calmly put his hand on mine and looked safely into Mom's eyes.

“I'll be around, Mrs Thompson. If Jennifer wants me there.” He quickly turned and looked at me tenderly and I felt the tears coming up, he wanted to be there for me? I felt like a great weight had been lifted from me, the worst fear I had was that I would have to do this alone, but if Grant wanted me then I wouldn't be alone.

“and if Dylan comes back Jennifer?” she turned to me now as I sat there crying happily about how the man at my side wanted to stay with me even though I had put myself in an impossible position.

“I don't know... I bit my lip nervously now as Grant wiped a tear from my cheek as my mother saw and I shyly looked down at his affection...

“So that's his name...” I saw the flicker in Grant's eyes when mom said Dylan's name, I could tell he was annoyed, he'd seen as much as mom what he'd done to me if not more.

“he has to know Jennifer.” she said it all so surely as I squirmed uncertainly in the chair, now sitting here with Grant, Dylan seemed so far away, my love for him still there but feeling softer with Grant's soft eyes on me.

“I know.” I sighed, I knew that as soon as Dylan found out about this he would fight for his rights and I knew why, he had said it himself, he wanted a family.

“he'll never give in when he finds out...” I said the words sadly as Mom nodded gravely and Grant looked more annoyed by the second as his composure had peeled off layer by layer until his eyes were dark and I looked at him in shame, he didn't deserve this, he was a good man who could do better than me and my problems.

“Maybe, but it's his right, it's his child you're carrying.” She sighed again and I didn't dare look at Grant afraid he would just get up and walk away as my mother had seen his anger too and looked at us both resignedly.

“I'm sorry, but that's the way it is...” she looked like she was going to cry as I cautiously held out my hand to her, which she didn't take, and looked at me tearfully.

“Do you think I want him to be a part of your life, Jennifer? he almost killed you, you didn't eat anything, I would have taken you to the hospital right away, but I was afraid I would never see you again because you were in such bad shape!” She was crying now, and I felt ashamed with my head down on the countertop, I knew she was telling the truth, but it still hurt to see her so upset.  I had been so focused on my pain that I had forgotten about my family's pain at seeing me as awful as I was.

I didn't know what to say, she was still crying when I cried too, Grant just looked angry, he didn't know what had happened and I hadn't wanted to say anything but now that secret was out too.

“I love him...” I sobbed again and mum looked at me sadly I sank down on the bench with my head, if Grant didn't leave me now, I didn't know what he was stopping for, I had just admitted that I loved Dylan in front of him, no man wanted to hear that.

I heard him get up now and I looked up in panic, he looked at me resignedly and I knew that I had pushed him over the edge now and he had been so brave coming here and answering mum's questions about everything.

“Thank you, Jennifer.” He smiled weakly at me as he started to walk and I felt my heart sink and disappear, he had been the thing I had been holding onto lately, my feelings for him however weak they were compared to the ones I had towards Dylan, I didn't want it to go away.

I ran after him and stopped him on the porch, he stopped but didn't look at me as I cried hysterically that he was leaving me, just like Dylan had done.

“Please forgive me Grant!”