Pregnant with the Bad Boy

37

It had been three days since, three days since my life was shattered. I sat in my room on the bed and stared out the window, my mother had promised to come with me to the gynaecologist and I stared at my hands as I tried to put on the soft skirt that went to my knees and pulled on the warm turtleneck sweater, it had gotten cold, like it was a sign from above that my life was forever changed and there was nothing I could do anything about it.

I looked down at my boots which I put on slowly now, Grant had called several times, but I hadn't wanted to answer him, what the hell was I going to say to him? I knew he was going to leave me, but I just didn't want to pretend about it yet, I wanted to have one more thing out of my life that wasn't ruined by Dylan.

I got up and grabbed my bag, it felt like it hadn't been long since I saw him for the first time and I clutched at my heart as it still hurt to see him in my memory, damn I still loved him that traitor.

I walked through the door and down the stairs and was about to put on my coat when I saw a silver luxury car coming down the road, I swore to myself, I didn't want to talk to him yet... or maybe it was just as well to put us out of our misery? I guess I was selfish to want him to stay when I knew it wasn't possible.

I went out the gate and down the stairs, I didn't want him to get beyond the courtyard, that was all I could give him.

I nervously wriggled my hands under the long sweater as his car pulled up in front of me and I barely dared look up at his face as he got out of the car.

“Jennifer...” his voice sounded anxious, and I smiled weakly at him as he closed the door and stood in front of me, I swallowed hard and already felt the cry that made my throat feel like it was swelling again, now it was over, I would never see him again.

“Grant...” my voice was wistful, and he was about to take my hand when I stopped him, and he had already seen that something was wrong.

“I know you weren't happy when you went home last time, but it was you who asked me to call you...” his voice was accusatory but not harsh as I nodded in agreement to his words, it was true, I wanted him to call me.

“I know... and I'm glad you did...” I stopped, afraid of my own words as he looked a little happier at what I'd said.

“But we can't see each other anymore...” my voice dropped and another part of me died it seemed as he looked at me confused, he looked hurt and I screamed inside, whatever I did I hurt someone, made them miserable.

“Yeah...” he looked like he wanted to say something more as I tried hard not to cry, I wanted to spare him as much as I could as he looked down into the ground and I stood there like a statue.

“I'm pregnant.” My words sounded empty, just like I felt when he looked up at me like he didn't believe me, like I was just saying it to get rid of him. I gave in to the crying and sobbing my hair several times as he just stared at me like he didn't understand what I had said.

“I didn't know, I swear! I would never have agreed to be with you otherwise...” I was crying louder now, and I whipped the tears away as he still just looked at me like I was a ghost in front of him.

“Please forgive me... I would have loved to be with you Grant...” I cried into my arm, and he started to come to life, and he said nothing but just looked at me with his big brown eyes with despair in his eyes before he walked around and got into the car and drove off without saying so much as a word to me.

I sat down on the ground where I stood and cried louder after he disappeared on the motorway and my mum had seen me and helped me up quickly when she arrived.

“it's just as well you said it, darling, better than letting him think you had a future together.”

I looked at her emotionless face, my future with him...? I could have had one... I would have loved to have it... I nodded and she brushed me off quickly and led me to her car and I sat in it shaking from the tears that had gone through my body, I know I barely knew him, but it felt just as awful as when Dylan had said goodbye in the hospital... I closed my eyes as she sat down and put the belt on me that I had forgotten about.

We rode in silence, and I just looked down at my knees peeking out from under the dirty skirt that reminded me of Grant, and I sank lower with my head on my knees. It felt like everything was just a big black hole that I was diving deeper into every day and my insides were cold from never feeling the sun again on my skin.

“I know you liked him but now it is what it is...” Mom's voice cut into me as I looked up at her face that was stressed and hard for once. I didn't blame her; she'd had to take care of me longer than you're supposed to after you're grown up.

“I know, Mom.” I mumbled the words low as we arrived at the hospital, and she quickly parked, and we walked slowly away towards the ward where there were pregnant women with their husbands, and some had children before. I sat down as mum announced me, I looked at the other women in disbelief, they looked happy, at least not like me who looked like a zombie.

Mum sat down next to me and squeezed my hand tightly and I squeezed back without looking at her, this felt surreal as someone called my name as mum stood up and took me towards the smiling woman who showed me into a room and I had to change into a hospital gown and sat on the bunk as an older woman came in, she had wrinkles around her eyes and looked at me kindly as she asked me to put my legs in and I felt a slight pressure against my stomach as she looked around at the screen in front of me, mum was crying, I don't know if it was from sadness or joy, maybe both, she was a believer and I studied the little dot she was pointing at, there it was.

I looked in wonder at what was supposed to be a child that Dylan had left for me, I still felt bitter about it all until she turned on the heartbeat and I looked dumbfounded at mum, now she was crying for real, and I looked at the screen again, it had a heartbeat, how was that possible?

The woman smiled warmly at me as I ignored her kind words and just stared in fascination at the little dot I had been crying over, it wasn't her fault I was an i***t who had fallen for an unfaithful creep of a man.

I actually smiled when I walked out, I don't know why, I had been in despair but now... I had changed as I held tightly to the pictures the woman had printed for me and my mother, all red-faced, stopped me in the hall as we came out of the ward.

“I know this wasn't planned, but God doesn't always choose the easiest path for you.” She smiled as I took her hand and held it tightly.

“Thanks, for being strong for me.” I knew she must have felt the same when she was expecting me, I breathed the air into my lungs, I had to be strong.

She just looked at me before hugging me and I held her back tightly, I was so grateful that she had my corner, no matter what it was about.

“We would need to get hold of him...” she looked at me as I shrugged, he had chosen to disappear, what obligation did I have to him? I looked at the picture and smiled again as she looked at me seriously.

“Don't think for a second that it will be easy Jennifer, people will judge you, talk about you and you have to be strong, all alone...” she looked like she was going to cry again, and I said in a choked voice to her as I was about to cry myself.

“Head up mom...” she laughed at the same words she had been saying at me for years, head up, don't be ashamed, I knew it would be difficult, but I would try.

“Come on, let's go home.” She took my arm and I walked happily with her out to the car and we both smiled all the way until we got into the yard. I looked confused, it was Grant's car, was he here?! I looked stressed at mum who just shook her head at what he was doing here, and I hesitantly got out of the car and stared into his car, he wasn't there when the door opened and Mandy nodded for me to come, I almost ran up the stairs and went in.

“She sits in the living room.” she beamed at me as I looked after her in surprise as she walked up the stairs, pulling my mother with her who had come in after me with her breath in her throat.

“Go now!” Mandy looked at me firmly as Mum nodded and I breathed a couple of times, whatever he wanted I had made up my mind, a small part of me hoped he would stay regardless of how minimal it was.

He was sitting on one of the sofas with a coffee cup in front of him, I looked at him in confusion as he turned to me and had a charming smile as I walked slowly past him without him saying anything and sat down on the sofa opposite.

“Grant.” I said his name in shock as he leaned forward and smiled at me, I looked uncertainly into his brown eyes that were a darker shade than before and I really hoped he wasn't here to tell me to go to hell for wasting his time, that thought was already crushing me.

“Jennifer.” I looked expectantly at his usual calm self, it felt strange to see it again when he had looked so hurt before.

“Why are you here?” I couldn't bear to pretend that everything was fine, it wasn't fine, but it would get better as I pulled off my coat on the couch and put the pictures on the table, he looked at them quickly before smiling fondly at me as if he had already accepted everything that had happened, I didn't believe a word of it.

“I realized something when I was on my third wine glass....” I raised my eyebrows, had he been drinking and then turned back, was he drunk? I crossed my arms, and he shook his head as if he knew what I was thinking.

“I'm not drunk Jennifer, it takes more than that to get me intoxicated.” His voice was so confident, and I sighed when I saw that it wasn't true at all, he still hadn't answered why he was here.

“As I said, after my third glass of wine and self-pity, I began to understand that it doesn't matter.” He looked up at me and drank the coffee, I hoped it would sober him up as he was obviously drunk now that I was looking at him more searchingly with my suspicious eyes.

“What does not matter?” My voice was cold now, I didn't want to raise any hope that he still wanted me with another man's child, especially if he had been drinking.

“That you are pregnant. I saying I don't care; I still want to see you.” I didn't want us to stop seeing each other either, but he didn't know what he was getting himself into, and neither did I for that matter.

“Grant...” I sighed and crossed my legs, he was unbelievable, here he was saying exactly what I wanted to hear, it didn't feel good though when I looked at his calm exterior, which was obviously just a facade against the world right now as he saw that I didn't believe his words and looked desperately at me as if it was him who had done something wrong and not me.

“I know, it sounds crazy... and it is crazy! but why should we have to suffer because you were with a total asshole before?” he spoke with passion as he believed in himself, and I quickly stopped him with my hand to his surprise as I just looked at him coldly again and stood up in front of him.

“That's enough, go home and sleep it off.” He just looked at me confused in his drunken state and I prayed to God that he was sober enough to drive home because I didn't want to see him right now.

“I'm going to keep it.” I looked sharply into his slightly squinted eyes and he just nodded in defeat as he stood up and I followed him out to his car where he sat down heavily and looked up at me as if his world had been shattered by what I had said even though we had only seen each other twice and we didn't know each other. I wanted to touch him but didn't, he made me feel alive again and laugh, and he understood more than I had thought and could take that I was crying after we had s*x. I owed him a chance to get out, he wasn't the one who had gotten me pregnant and honestly, I wanted him to live his life happily without having to be pulled down by me...I looked at him longing without being able to let go which he could perceive and I swore low and turned my gaze away from his eyes, I would be strong...I sighed and looked at him again, I wanted to be with him, continue seeing him...but...I sighed again and looked at his slightly intoxicated eyes now.

“If you're serious about what you're saying, call me someday...” I smiled quickly at his dejected face smiling faintly back and he started the car and drove off.

I smiled grimly at him; he was absolutely crazy saying things to me that we both knew he wouldn't keep. I shook my head, it hurt to say no to him, but it still felt good that I had done the right thing, that I hadn't just thrown myself into his arms as much as I had wanted to.

My whole body had been screaming to touch him, I was breathing, I would be strong.

Mandy and mum came jumping down wondering what had happened then I shrugged and went back into the family room where my bag was and I saw the pictures again and picked them up, I wanted them somewhere I could see them, maybe on the desk in my room?

“are you kidding me? Did you let him go?” Mandy looked shocked at the front door as they followed me in and I nodded as she sat down on the edge of the sofa and Mum nodded approvingly at me as she realised I wasn't going to let Grant say anything now and then change his mind.

“There's a lot you don't understand yet Amanda...” she smiled at me and then looked sharply at my sister who looked surprised at her anger.

“But if you do this to me, I will ground you for the rest of your life!” Mandy shook her head quickly and I laughed, I hoped she was smarter than me, but I knew she was.

 “Yeah, but really, Jen, you just sent the rich guy away?” She looked at me accusingly as I laughed and picked up the ultrasound images, waving them lightly in her hand.

“That rich man is not guilty of this, so I don't want him to feel forced to take responsibility for something he didn't even do.” Mandy looked at them seriously, as if she had just realised that what had happened was real.

“God Jennifer, you're having a baby! I'm going to be an aunt!” She screamed out loud and I smiled at her eagerness, it felt better now than when we were all crying together.

“God help us.” Mum made the cross-stitch, and I rolled my eyes at her as she hugged my arm where she stood, and Mandy started babbling about matching sets for her and the baby.

“Jennifer, you must tell Dad too.” Mum looked serious, I swallowed, hell I'd forgotten, I bit my pink nails nervously where I stood, he wouldn't be happy, and we'd just started to make up.

“Wow that’s going to be a fun conversation...” Mandy looked at me in horror as I nodded heavily, why not, it wasn't like this day couldn't get any better, I had already told Grant and would probably never see him again, what did it matter if another person was mad at me?

“I go up to the room...” I brought the bag and the pictures, I wanted to see them, so that they would give me courage for this conversation that I knew would only end one way, he would get angry, and I would cry.

I sat down on the bed after putting the bag on the side and picking up the phone, I saw Dylan's name on the way to my dad's and it hit me, why wasn't he here, I felt like everything he had promised me was just lies now, and I had swallowed it all whole with my bare hands.

I leaned hard on my knees and held up the phone, was this even something I wanted to say on the phone? Was I going to ask him to take the four hours it took to get here? I bit my lip uncertainly, ignoring the panic that was creeping up my throat, and pressed Dad's name.

I listened to the distant signals and almost hoped he wouldn't answer when, to my disappointment, I heard his cheerful voice on the other side, it wouldn't be for long.

“Jenni!” He laughed and I heard children's laughter in the background, I smiled at his warm voice, it had some kind of comfort that he was a good father now to my younger brother whom I had never met.

“Hey, Dad, am I interrupting?” I tried to sound cheerful as he laughed again and tried to get away from the childish shouting behind him and I pressed my lips together, he would be so disappointed in me... my chest was already stinging as he closed the door and everything went quiet.

“So I had to get away from the little demon...” he laughed as I smiled faintly as if he could see me and I cleared my throat as he waited for me to speak, should I just say it or should I be locked in that I just wanted to talk about the weather?

“Jenni? Are you still there?” He already sounded worried as I sighed, of course he was with everything that had happened as I opened my mouth and tried to breathe as well as I could at the moment.

“Dad... something has happened...” I could already hear from my voice that I was going to cry and he immediately sounded more worried when I didn't say anything more.

“is it that bastard again?! Has he contacted you?!” His voice was already angry as I shook my head before I realised he couldn't see me.

“no... he's gone...” I put my hand over my mouth, he was really gone... I squirmed uncomfortably and looked up at the pictures, it was now or never.

“what is it then? Are you still eating? Is it Mandy? Or your mother?!” He sounded more stressed with every word as I sighed deeply and decided that I just had to face the truth and admit everything.

“I'm pregnant...” I waited for his reaction when it became quiet on the other side... so quiet that it hurt me when I heard him gasp on the other side of the anger that had taken hold of him by now.

“Dad...” I begged his name as he still hadn't said anything and I bowed my head in shame, he would surely hate me, for I had been as stupid as he and mum had been.

“I ...” he began the words not knowing what to say or if he was just going to yell at me, I quickly wiped away the stubborn tears that ran slowly down my cheeks as I just looked at the pictures in front of me, he hadn't said anything more than that I was almost more afraid that he was silent than that he was yelling at me.

“Im sorry.” I said the sentence quietly as he sighed loudly on the other side and seemed to sit down so it slammed into a swivel chair, he was probably in his home office staring out blankly as I did on my side.

“I'm going to kill him.” He said the words cold, not angry, just calmly like he was really going to do it and I cried more now, that wasn't what I wanted, not at all.

“no... I'm just as guilty.... I would never have said no to him, even though I knew there were risks to what we were doing.”

“Didn't you think I knew who he was?! Dylan Hopper, the f*****g heartbreaker when you were in school, who had a new girlfriend every weekend!?” His voice had increased in volume now and I sobbed, I knew all that too.

“Dad I know all that... I thought he had changed...” I realised now how stupid it sounded, but he had really made me believe it, maybe he had wanted to change for me, but now in retrospect I realised we hadn't had a chance together.

“He used you! I saw how he talked to you, how you were at his feet!” He was panting angrily now, and I closed my eyes in shame, I knew all that too, I know I had done everything for him... but he had given me too not just taken even how it looked on the surface.

“Maybe... but I let him do it...” I was staring at the floor now, if he had been so horrible why hadn't anyone said anything to me when I was with him?

“Bullshit, you were completely charmed by him, both me and your mother saw it, would it have mattered if we said something? I swallowed his accusing voice, he was right, it wouldn't have mattered what they had said, mum would have said no, and I would have done what I wanted anyway.

“No, it hadn't...” I sounded defeated as he sighed deeply again, he didn't know what to do, and neither did I.

“And now when you need him the most, he's not there?” I guiltily pressed my hand over my eyes, Dad was brutally honest as usual.

“No, he's gone.” I put my hand back down and didn't bother to wipe away the tears that were burning my eyes so badly that they were starting to hurt, I was so tired of crying.

“Of course, he is, for all we know he's destroying any other innocent girl he can find!” Dad's voice became sharp again and I lay down on the bed, beaten, defeated, dead.

“I don't know what he's doing, I can't get hold of him...” I wanted to say that he'd been trying to get hold of me, that he'd been in hospital, trying to make up... or whatever you wanted to call it... but I was silent, what could I say, Dad already hated Dylan and nothing I said could change that.

“So... what happens now?” I flinched, he hadn't been here, hadn't known I'd agonized for three days before accepting it all.

“I'm going to keep it.” I sounded so confident now, not at all like the crying sobbing mess that sat here three days ago, and Dad was moaning on the other side, I understood he thought I was stupid for even thinking about it, but it was my choice.

“Is it really that smart? Are you going to have a baby all by yourself? In Perryville of all places?” I knew what he meant, the town wasn't that big, and everyone would think I was a slut for sure.

“No, probably not smart, but what the hell can I do?!” I sounded desperate now, he didn't understand what it was like to feel trapped by choices you hadn't understood the consequences of.

“You can get rid of it, forget him and live your life as you want.” His voice was so simple and honest, and I sobbed, why did it sound so simple when it wasn't?

“Do you regret me?" I looked up at the ceiling, I had never asked him anything like that before as he went silent again, I blinked blankly at the ceiling, he probably wouldn't have wanted me, just get rid of me, that’s what he said and live the life he wanted, the life he was living now. The thought made me despair as he finally went for it and answered me.

“Never. I just wish I hadn't been so young and only thought of myself, but I loved you from the first time I saw you, don't think otherwise.” I cried again, damn it.

His voice had trembled as if he wanted to cry himself now and I drew the air quickly into my lungs and turned slowly on the bed where I remained.

“I love you dad...” I sat up again, he knew now, I didn't know how long he needed to accept what I said but I hoped he would still be there for me.

“f**k him...” his voice revealed that he had been crying, I had only seen him do it a handful of times, I had really hurt him, and it cut me deeply as I didn't want to fight with him anymore.

“f**k him.” I said mimicking his words as Dad laughed low on the other side, it was a sad laugh and I smiled now, it felt like maybe it would be okay after all, or maybe I was just imagining it right now.

“Yeah... I have to go now... but call me again when you want... I'd love to hear how you're doing, and I'll try to come soon.” He sounded calmer now and I smiled, I wanted that very much.

“I miss you, come soon...” I really longed for him, I hadn't felt I needed him before, neither him nor my mother, but everything was different and now and I needed them both more than ever.

“I'll be there soon Jenni...” his voice was happy yet sad as we said goodbye and hung up.

I looked ahead at the pictures, I was really going to try and get Dylan too, he should know, no matter what had happened between us.

I pulled myself up from the bed, my skirt was still dirty, and I felt the sting of longing for Grant, it was so confusing to still love Dylan but still feel missing and longing for him, how he made me feel alive again and that it bubbled in me when he looked into my eyes. I was really devastated.

I pulled off my skirt and pulled on a pair of the new trousers I had bought that had pressed pleats in the sides, I might as well use them while I could. I rolled my eyes at myself, there was nothing visible on me, not a trace that there was a life in me with a heartbeat of its own, it was scary as hell.

“I will be strong.” I repeated the sentence a couple of times and looked into my eyes, which were red from crying and blinked uncertainly back at me, strong.