Pregnant with the Bad Boy

61

I was sitting down scowling at the kitchen island when my mother came down the stairs, I had been awake almost all night and poked at the eggs I had fried before she had even gotten up, which was more or less in the middle of the night. She did not look at me as she walked around the kitchen, she was wearing one of Dad's t-shirts again and looked good with her hair ruffled, I angrily stuffed a bite in my mouth, I could not bear to put more hassle about not eating anything .

“Jennifer…” she sounded tired when I looked at her with my accusing eyes, I had not forgiven her for just standing there and watching when everything took place, and sitting quietly yesterday when I fought with dad.

“What?” I looked at her resigned face with my sharp green eyes that were so similar to my dad's as she pulled her hands across the bench that she did not know where to start.

“try to see it from our side, you were out in the car for several hours the last time you met Dylan and did not say a single word when we took you in, the fact is that I know you did not speak for several days in the hospital either.” She looked at me worried and I was ashamed now that she was right, I had shut down, just like the first time he left me.

“I know.” I put down the fork and sighed, I know she was right, but it was then and now when he knew about everything he wanted to change, I saw it in him.

“so maybe you understand why me and dad are not so fond of the idea of you being with each other again?” she leaned forward on the bench with her elbows and I sighed, she was right again.

“I know you're worried, but I'm not with him, we should just be friends.” I did not even say the words convincingly to myself as she laughed teasingly as she did not believe what I said at all.

“From what I saw yesterday, you were not friends, not even close to it.” she looked teasing almost at me and I was more embarrassed, she probably knew that I had slept with him already in the way she looked at me with her big blue eyes that only had understanding in her now.

I took another bite, so I did not have to answer her obvious information that Dylan and I were anything but friends together.

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t understand… it's hard to be near someone you want with all your heart.” She was smiling now, and I looked a little happier, why had she not said all this yesterday in front of Dad?

“I know we do not have the best past behind us, but I really think he wants to change mom.” I looked at her seriously and she now sighed as if she had thought the same thing a hundred times and it had not been true when I ate more of the eggs to her satisfaction.

“He probably wants too, but it's not as easy as you think to just change everything you are whether you want it or not…” she went to the coffee machine and turned it on, I sighed, why did she sound so smart all the time dad was not with? I looked at her, she rarely said anything when he was with, like she could not? I was saddened by the thought that it would be so.

“Why do you never say stuff like this when dads around?” I looked at her sadly as she turned around with a cup in her hand from the cupboard that looked at me funny as I had made a joke and not a serious question.

“Do you tell Dylan everything? every thought?” She smiled amused when I looked at her confused with eggs in her mouth still, why shouldn’t I?

“Yes?” I watched in surprise as she laughed and glanced at the coffee that was starting to flow where I sat and thought about how she could not say everything.

“You really are your father's daughter.” She snickered louder now, and I looked insulted at her as she stood away at the coffee again and poured into the cup before it was ready.

“so, you’re telling me, he's the thoughtful one and you're the one who just says what you feel?” She was still smiling as she drank in the corner of the kitchen, and I swept the milk I had in front of me in one swing.

I snorted at what she said that he would be the one who was thoughtful… I raised my eyebrows, maybe he was? it was still me who said everything from the beginning, that I loved him… he had been more reserved, and it had killed me then. I realized she was probably right about her question.

“it's probably him…” I said the words shyly when she laughed and I grinned now, it felt good that we could laugh together, even though we talked about Dylan, I did not think dad could feel the same about it.

I was probably presumptuous towards him, said what I thought and then he just had to follow it, and I who had always thought he was the one who decided when he just reacted to what I did?

Then again, he was fare from innocent, he drove me to things I had never said or done otherwise, but it felt right at the same time.

“I like Dylan, but I do not like what happens to you when you are around him.” she said the words honestly, which I had almost asked her to do.

“I know, but please I do not want to have to argue about this every time, he is still a big part of my life, even if I would not even love him anymore, he would always be there anyway.” I pulled my tired hand over the baby, and she nodded, she understood, I was happy about it anyway.

“I will try to make dad understand, but do not expect miracles, it took a toll on him last time because he was not with the first time you shut down.” Her eyes became sad again and I was ashamed that I had hurt her so much without even thinking about it.

“I do not want to be like that again, I go to meetings every time, they help…” I stopped when I heard dad behind me and I froze as he walked past in pyjamas and sat down next to me without saying a word, wonderfully.

“Jenni.” He said my name politely as if we were strangers and I just looked at him with raised eyebrows as if he was crazy and was just about to go my way when he stopped me by putting his hand on my arm.

“Sit down, please.” I sighed and sat down the little bit had gotten up and turned towards him so that I saw him all over where he was sitting in a striped flannel pyjamas that I knew he was wearing after he got out of bed than having slept in the.

“Perfect, more lectures.” I crossed my arms and looked angrily at him as he sat looking at me seriously with his green eyes staring into my identical.

He was already sighing, and I angrily pulled my arms more as we still had not said anything to each other.

“Jenni…” he sighed again as if he did not know what to say and I also sighed deeply, there was nothing he could say that would defend that he had beaten Dylan yesterday.

“I’m sorry.” He said the word as if it hurt to say it out loud and I looked at him in surprise and then at my mother who just smiled at his apology, I understood that she had talked to him, she might have said more when they were alone, I started to believe it.

“Thanks.” I said the word quietly to him as he sat with his shoulders down, I knew he must have swallowed all his pride to apologize to me and I did not intend to push him anymore as I knew how hard this was for him.

“But he deserved it, don’t think otherwise.” Dad drank from the mug that Mom had put in front of him now and I smiled at him trying, it was not easy for him, he had been hard, straight, supportive and arrogant all his life, to apologize was not in his nature.

“He knows that too Dad.” I said nothing more and he muttered something when he looked at my mother who smiled proudly at him, my God I was really like him. I rarely wanted to apologize, I said what I wanted, drove people what I wanted and got angry when things did not go my way.

“I'm going to move out.” I said the words straight to the point, I had decided when they stared at me as if they did not think they had heard right.

” don’t tell me that you will move to Dylan again now Jennifer…” mom said the words as if it would be the absolute worst thing that could happen, and I shook my head at her fear.

“Have you forgotten that he has a fiancée who lives with him?” I watched amusedly as Dad's face testified to my easy-going attitude towards her.

“It didn’t look like he had one the way he was with you yesterday.” His words were cold, almost hateful and I do not know if it was for himself or Dylan he cursed.

I turned red on the cheeks when they had seen everything, I'm glad we did not do anything more here in front of the house because then Dad had probably really tried to kill him.

“I know…” what more could I say about it, I was not as comfortable talking about s*x with my parents when it was me how was the subject.

“You could think you were stuck on each other’s faces for a while there…” he dragged the eggs and ate with the fork my mother had presented to him, I looked at her when she looked meant me back, it was not so easy to change as one wanted it to be.

“Like you guys were any better on my birthday…” I was amused at how they both looked like they wanted to disappear from the kitchen, and I laughed at their embarrassment, which was very sweet in my eyes.

“is it so smart to move out?” Dad totally changed the subject and I nodded gratefully that he had done so when I snatched bread from the toaster and chewed loudly when I answered.

“I have to do it, I'm an adult, I'm going to have my own child soon, I love you but I cant stand it to be treated like I'm an angry teenager like Mandy.” I smiled a little when she just came in and had heard her name when she took the second slice of bread and ate it standing in front of us on the short side of the bench.

“You summoned me?” her pink hair was curly, and she wore a nightgown with a unicorn on of course, I laughed at her wondering look.

“Your sister is apparently moving out.” Mom looked at me calmly and I was grateful that at least one of them understood or tried to understand me.

“Okay, dibs on her room.” Mandy ate the slice of bread on two bites and was about to go for the next one as I pulled the dish away from me and looked challenged at her hand.

“Actually, I thought Levi could take it.” I smiled scornfully at my sister who looked sad that I had taken the last slice of bread in front of her before I looked at Dad, he looked so happy but still so sad and I knew I had said something stupid.

“That’s great Jenni… but I do not think it will be needed…” he looked completely crushed now and I looked stressed at mom who put her hand on his shoulder and looked heavily at us sisters.

“Linda doesn’t want him over here.” She said the words with mixed feelings, and I understood her, this was hard for her, but in a completely different way than for dad.

“Why? Do you not have the same rights?” Mandy's voice sounded accusatory, and I felt the same way, I would have been crazy if someone had tried to stop me from my child who was not even born by this time.

“She can just do that. Because she wants what? Revenge on you?” I looked in disgust at Dad's sad eyes that made me even more angry, how she dared to try to stop Levi from being here, he was my and Mandy's brother.

“Yes.” He said the word so simply that it hit me, and Mandy sat quietly when I got angrier, how dare she even do that?

“She should not be so f*****g selfish; I know I was horrible to you dad about this but after hearing Dylan talk about his childhood… I do not want to do that to anyone, he is innocent…” I whispered the words and dad looked at me like I said something he longed to hear for a long time now and reached out his hand to me which I took and hugged it hard in mine, I did not want to drive him away because of what happened, he was Levi's father with no matter what I thought of the matter.

” So… Dylan's childhood you say?” Mandy's eyes glowed with curiosity, and I dismissed her question at once, it was not my job to tell the biggest gossip in town that he was the result of an affair.

“Shut up Mandy.” I said the words cute to her as she sighed and picked up the phone again as if she had not really cared either even though I knew she did. but it was my relationship with him and not hers.

“I know this is my own fault… and I know you are suffering from it Gracie…” he collapsed more as she walked around and put her arms around him, I looked at their love, I had thought it was complicated between me and Dylan, but this was pure suffering in my eyes, he who wanted to see his son, and she who just wanted to forget that he had even been with someone else.

I was stirred by the cold that had crept into me at the thought that Dylan would come one day and say something similar.

“I know Ed…” she said nothing more and I could not stand it anymore, I left the kitchen quickly and went up to change, I stared at the clothes, it felt like when I had bought them I was a version of myself as I thought I wanted to be, someone adult and elegant, someone who fit in with Grant because he was ten years older… I caressed the white dress he had given me, I could probably still have it, but I probably never would wear it again, maybe Mandy could take it if she wanted… I thought about it before I shook my head, no it had to stay untouched for a while. 

I put on the wool skirt I had from yesterday and ignored the feeling that I had worn it when I had s*x with Dylan when I put on a long-sleeved blouse for it, it looked okay when I put in the blouse and you could clearly see that I was pregnant in the reasonably loose skirt when I looked at the hair that was long again. not like when we met, I was probably going to have it that way, I did not want to look like the person who was with Grant honestly, I feared the day that Dylan would bring him up again, it was not a matter of if but more of a matter of time even if he had a new girl he would throw it in my face sometime when we would fight again. which was just a matter of time really.

I brushed through my hair, it looked nicer, more shiny and I looked more feminine than I had ever done without makeup or anything else, I was just me back in the mirror and I was okay with it.

I picked up the phone from the bed where I left it and saw that Dylan had written, my heartbeat extra hard whether I wanted it or not when he wrote that he missed me so it sucked in me when I read it, I missed him with, every second of my life.

I wrote back that I missed him, I thought about what my mother said about me saying what I thought of everything, maybe I should not tell Dylan that I was going to move out? but then he would find out anyway, I wanted him to be with me, I did not even intend to deny it even if I could not live with him.

I decided to wait, I did not want to give him the wrong idea, that I thought about coming back no matter how absurd it felt to have another girl with me, I knew she would go out if I wanted to come back, I was hoping for it anyway.

I checked the email quickly and saw that the person had responded to my request to see the apartment, I sighed gratefully, it would be nice to be alone if I wanted to live there, I needed to get away from all this house meant, I could not bear to be in this room anymore either.

Dylan answered again, I looked at how fast it had gone, he wanted me to come over to him tonight… I was sweating right away, did he want to introduce his new girlfriend to me? my heart sank at the thought of seeing someone else hold him, kiss his lips and I would not be able to do anything about it… or he wanted me to come because he wanted to have s*x with me, I would not deny that I would have it if he wanted it, because that was what I wanted, get to touch him all the time, forget that I would not be with him for the moment and feel whole again.

I replied that I would come over sometime in the evening, I didn’t care what mom and dad thought, I wanted to see him.

I hung up the phone and went out the door from the bedroom, I heard them even before I had opened the door, how they shouted at each other inside, the old feeling of discomfort settled in my chest as I walked quickly past my parents' bedroom, I did not want to hear what they said, whatever it was, I could not hear any more.

I turned around and took my bag and mobile phone with me and closed the door before I ran down the stairs, I wanted to get out of here now, at once. I wished I could move now this minute as I put on my boots and jacket and my knitted gloves before going out the door and down the stairs, I had a lump in my throat from hearing them scream at each other like when I was younger before dad had left, I really hoped they would cope with this crisis even though I realized that mom had such a f*****g hard time accepting Levi and I understood her, it had crushed me, completely.

I went to the Volvo and opened the door, started it and drove quickly out on the road, I did not know where I was going, but I did not want to be here.

I drove out on the highway, it was quiet outside like I was just waiting for the storm to come, that they would say they would give up and it scared me more than anything else as they loved each other so much but that their love would not suffice, because then it would not be enough for me and Dylan also felt like, maybe we would not be able to endure to the other side of us either.

I sighed and drove towards Perryville; I did not know where to go yet and I went to the only place I had felt completely safe once upon a time.

I laughed to myself, I was sitting in the Volvo in Dylan's f*****g parking lot again, I always ran back to him as soon as something happened, he had been right that time he told me I would come back before we were done, I always came back to him.