Pregnant with the Bad Boy

60

“But I will try…”

he said the words so simply now in the way that made me love him even more so that it hurt me to know that I had to stay away.

“Thanks.” I said the word weakly when he put his arms around me now, not to kiss me but just to hold me when I put my head against his chest and closing my eyes, I was so happy that he was here again, I had missed him more than I had ever been able to understand.

We finally let go and I had cried his jacket wet and looked happily up at him as he took my hand and led me to the car and opened the door for me and I sat in the smaller car and he walked around when I studied him, he was different, not completely but he was, I do not know why either, maybe it was because I was pregnant but he was more tender, like when we had s*x he had not done anything I was used to, that he did as he pleased with me, he had let me decide everything and just followed.

I smiled stupidly at him when he sat down and started the car, I was still madly in love with him, there was no doubt about it but that we had talked felt like I could breathe again, like I had not done it since then ended between us.

I studied his profile and he just smiled amused because I knew he saw me, just like when he had driven me home the first time.

We went in silence up through the gravel road to the house and the lump in my throat got worse and worse with the panic that rose in me, I was terrified that he would just leave me now and pull again, when he realized that his life would never again be as before.

He stopped outside the house when I looked scared at him as he sat and looked down at the steering wheel, I did not want to go, not at all, but I had to.

“don't leave me again…” I said the words so faintly that I do not know that he even heard me when he looked tired at me and smiled consolingly as he had heard what I said, and I nodded back when I took off my belt and would just get out of the car as he grabbed my arm lightly and pulled me back towards him and kissed me softly on the lips so I thought I would faint from his lips.

“I will stay.” He smiled lovingly now, and I exhaled and kissed him again without being able to stop myself, I pulled closer, and he let me do it when I felt his tongue in my mouth and closed my eyes as he stroked my hair with one hand behind the ear and I sighed at his touch that always made me feel alive.

I reluctantly pulled away from his mouth and just looked at him before I burst out laughing, we were both red, strained and wanted each other, here and now if we had the chance.

“We suck at being friends…” I rolled my eyes as he smiled charmingly at me and shrugged as if he did not think it was a problem and I laughed more at his nonchalance.

“I said I would try… not that I could stay away completely…” his voice was hoarse now and I froze at his words, they were so innocent, but I heard how he said he wanted me, that he longed for it, just as much as I did.

“Okay… I have to go now…” I said the words strained as I looked at him for a few more seconds where he sat and was so f*****g handsome even though he was worn out by what had happened between us and I sighed deeply and broke my gaze for to open the car door when I saw to my horror that the front door had opened and I had seen him before Dylan even perceived it when I quickly got out of the car and closed it to walk around and meet the angry man who just wanted one thing, kill Dylan.

I ran around the car as fast as I could with it was too late, Dad had already torn open the car door and pulled Dylan out quickly before he hit him hard over the mouth with his fist so I screamed at what I saw and I thought Dylan would hit back, do something but he just stood there and seemed to be waiting for him to keep hitting him as I threw myself on dad's arm, begging him to let go of Dylan over and over again while he was just standing there and blood was flowing from his mouth.

 mom had arrived out on the porch and saw what had happened, I begged her for help but she stood still as I helplessly looked at dad's angry face that was ebbing out as he seemed to wake up from what had happened and released Dylan with a jerk and pushed him into the car hard and turned around and went without looking at either me or Dylan anymore as he went up the stairs and mom just looked at me one last time before she put her arm around dad and went in with him again .

I had panicked when my heart was pounding hard against my chest, and I threw the last bit and put my hands on his face to see how he had done.

“Dylan…!?” I said his name stressed when he looked at me and actually smiled at all the f*****g things, he could have done so he stood there stood leaning against the car and still smiled when the blood ran out of his mouth and I angrily pulled my hands away, what the hell was he doing?!

“Your dad a hard hitter.” He said the sentence amused when he spat out the blood on the side of me and I felt bad to see it and turned my head away, I did not understand that he was so f*****g calm all of a sudden, the Dylan I knew before had gone after him and beaten dad to bloody pulp for even touching him.

“I'm so sorry Dylan…” I looked up at him, I did not want them to fight, no matter what had happened between us I did not want to see him beaten by someone when he took my hands and hugged them softly, I just looked in shame at his calm expression as he smiled again and pulled off a loop of my hair behind my ear as if nothing had happened.

“It's fine babe, I understand him, I would probably do the same if I was him.” I just gaped at the surprise that sank into me, had he just said he would do the same thing if it was him? I bit my lip uncertainly as he just pulled me into his arms and I lay against his chest without even thinking that I did it, he wanted to change, I saw it.

“Still, I do not want you to fight, or that he punches you…” I smiled weakly now, I could not really call it a fight as Dylan had not even lifted a finger back towards dad, I was so grateful for that too.

“He needed to do it. it had happened sooner or later.” His voice was no longer amused but not angry either, just as if he knew it was just the way it was.

I let go of him, I so wanted him to stay, to sleep with him would be a dream but I knew he was not welcome in the yard, and I should try to stick to the friendship we had just agreed about instead of longing for his kisses and touch.

“I'm glad you didn’t fight back.” I sincerely looked at his now happy face as I had just made his day better so his eyes shone brightly towards me now and I pulled back shyly, I do not know what he was doing but this was not friendship at all, it felt more like when we met from the beginning when everything was just chaos except that we both knew what we felt for each other now.

“I have to go now… but we will talk later?” I was just about to let go when he held me, though not as hard as he had done before and smiled tenderly at me as he stroked his hand across my stomach as he felt through the jacket and I stopped completely by his tender gesture, I loved him so much damn much that it hurt me now.

“Take care of her for me, okay?” His voice was warm, and I breathed faster from his words that made everything I felt a hundred times stronger inside.

“Always.” I leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the lips, so he grimaced, I sighed to myself, I was not good at this friendship at all.

I reluctantly let go and went up to the house when he was standing and just looked at me when I got up and I was about to turn several times when he was standing there and just had his arms crossed and smiled lovingly at me when I turned my head several times and went up the stairs and opened the door and turned me one last time and looked at him where he stood and it felt like my chest ached from going in when I went in and closed the door after me.

Damn. I loved him, there was nothing in me that wanted to resist it, I wanted to be with him with all my soul.

I took off my boots and jacket and saw that they were sitting there, mom and dad in the kitchen and I sighed, I knew they would think I was crazy, but I did not want to be smart if I was not allowed to be with him.

I heard the car leave in the yard and I sighed deeper as my heart sank, it felt damn good that he was gone, even though he promised to stay this time I was worried that he would not be there one day, I would have to teach me to trust him completely again.

 I went nervously to the kitchen, I wanted to explain so they understood that he wanted to be better, that he would try for me and the baby.

I sat down by the kitchen island where they stood and I looked at Dad who seemed to look angry again after being calmed down here by mom from seeing me and I sighed at their sour faces, I knew they were just worried, but it was my life what I did with Dylan.

“Why did you hit him dad?” I said the word insulted, as it was me, he had hit and not Dylan when Dad's eyes rose from the floor and he looked at me like he had never heard anything so cheeky come out of my mouth.

“He should be glad I did not crack his whole f*****g face on him.” his voice was dark, low and threatening when I sighed again, what would it help? It would not fix anything of what had happened.

“I know you do not like him, but he will be a part of my life whether you like it or not.” I said the words sensibly as they exchanged glances that were something only, they understood.

“I do not dislike him, I hate him.” Dad was honest and Mom nodded, maybe she did too, I thought she would all have more understanding of what happened between us but she was not objective when it came to me of course.

“I'm glad he wants to be in the picture for the baby, but I do not have to like him for it.”

 I looked at my mother's mean looks as she sat with the man, she loved whom she had hated in the same way I had hated Dylan. it was laughable.

“Do you guys think you're better than me and Dylan?” I said the words louder than I had thought and my mother jerked as I hit her, and Dad's eyes darkened by my accusations.

“Don’t you dare just compare me to that bastard, I stayed much longer, and I didn’t leave when your mother was pregnant with you.” Dad's voice was so insulting and angry that he probably wanted to punch something at this point when I shook my head at his defence, they were hypocrites, both of them.

“no you waited until I could miss you.” I said the word cold, damn I even sounded like Dylan when I was angry nowadays, I stared defiantly at him as he got up and leaned forward as if I would be afraid of his dominance.

“I love you Jennifer, that’s why im telling you, shut up the f**k up about things you dont even know anything about.” His eyes were pissed to the point that I did not know if he would explode soon and I pushed back, I did not really want to fight but it annoyed me like hell that they sat there on their high horses and looked down on me because I loved Dylan and wanted to be with him.

I said nothing more to any of them but just looked angrily at their hands as my mother looked at me resignedly as if she was tired of it always being something.

I turned around and went upstairs, I thought they would understand, somehow I thought so, but I was wrong, they only saw what he had done wrong, not what he was doing to try to change.

I went into the room and slammed the door like a defiant child, that was how they saw me, I looked around, I hated that I was here, I could not even decide over my own life without them getting stuck I was an adult! I threw one of the pillows the pink bedspread had, I hated pink, it was not even my own choice to have this f*****g bedspread. I tore it off quickly and threw it on the floor in front of me and breathed faster, I wanted out of here if it would be like this, I happened if I was left alone with the baby, I knew Dylan would be there for me if I asked him. I screamed and threw another pillow as I grab the phone out of my bag and looked at it if he had written anything, or anything by him, I needed his support, his voice to comfort me. I simply needed him.

I had called him before I even knew what I had done and gasped in the anger that ran through me as I waited for the signals that roared loudly in my head.

“Hello?” I gasped in shock, it was a girl's voice that answered, I sank down on the bed, of course my mother had said that he had a girl from Little rock now, and that they were engaged, I had completely forgotten her when I became completely engulfed by Dylan at once, I had not even questioned if he had a relationship before I had slept with him, I was probably a loosely stupid bride when it came to the crunch.

“okay I'm hanging up now.” She sounded shocked when I had not answered and before I had taken the courage to say anything she had hung up. I swore low to myself, f*****g Dylan, he behaved like he wanted nothing more than to be with me but still had his f*****g girl with him, I threw down the phone and sat down bitter, why could he not just tell me the truth? I would accept it… I think… I lay down and turned to the side and stared into the wall, I had gone from not even thinking of being together to wanting to be with him again, ignoring all my own prohibitions to lie here and be angry at him again for being a f*****g liar as usual.

Fuck. I never learned. My tears came of course the same second, I had thought he had let me down again, I know he had the right to be with whoever he wanted but I did not want him to have anyone else even if we were not together, which was not prevented us from behaving like that anyway.

I picked up the phone again, this time it was not to call Dylan, I was going to check what there was on offer here in town for apartments and scrolled through a couple, they all looked okay, one was at ground level and had its own entrance, it would be easier with a baby, I quickly wrote down the email on the phone and wrote that I was interested, I could not stay with Dylan I realized when I had calmed down, it was too crowded and honestly it was just as good that we did not do it either, not yet… I closed my eyes and hoped that he would dump her, she might have a ring on her finger, but I knew it did not matter, he did not care about it, it was his mother's cross that had given to me which was his strongest promise to anyone, and the only one who had received it so far was me. The thought comforted me then put the blanket on me as far as I could and turned off the light, tomorrow I would do everything I could to be able to find somewhere else to live.