Midnight thoughts

Feelings grows mid spring

I accept the fact that this feeling is growing fast in the nick of time, like how the sun rises from the sky: burning and eternal. A feeling that anyone who dares to touch will definitely get burned by the flare of a tender love that has been locked up for decades, a love that is totally forgotten and being buried by an unfortunate experience in life but, it was destined to rose up, to rose up like blissful flowers in the fields.

A bustling crowd, tons of people with different fragments of conversation float in the air and here I am sitting in the island of noise untouched and unseen.

After class, I lay my body down on the couch and start asking myself, start asking all the happening that has happened lately.

"Mom, what should I do?" I closed my eyes and go somewhere else, a place where I could see all my comfort and I loved it.

I have this thing that I imagine something that makes me more comfortable, and happy and be a relief when having a bad day or confusion along the way it helps me a lot because I don't have someone to talk to when having trouble.

I enjoyed being alone for a long span of time, and I enjoy being exiled, so I guess shifting to another world or the other side of my world would not be easy.

I looked outside it was afternoon, the grass are green, the birds are flying and the sun was golden yellow, it was like a scene from a movie, it was quiet and free and the wind was enough to make me breathe and be at ease, the traffic light was beautiful it was aesthetic, I looked in the view for a while and I started appreciating all the things that I see from the ray of golden sun, birds and the grass, it was perfect.

It was a sweet hour. The ray of sun kissing the land, where all is dear... in sunbeams bless, the breeze with the fragrance of worth living that gives us hope and life and by that, the death is bliss and love is sacred.

The feeling that I felt in every second of it was nice and it feels so good but somehow I couldn't stand the tears that flowed through my eyes, I don't know why but the joy that I'm feeling right now has sadness.

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Another day, another battle that I need to face, another chance to see the guy that is the reason why I'm excited to go to class every day. In class, the only thing that came through my mind was him, his appearance his voice that tickling in my ears, the time was running fast and now I was sitting in a place where I could find you, I'm not wrong you're here but when you saw me staring, you turned your eyes like the first time we met, it was like you didn't know me, and keep walking. I sigh, my whole world shattered, it was wrecked. So, I stand and began to leave, I thought you were going to annoy me and start a conversation and asked a million questions that are hollow, I thought I have a so-called friend.

Last subject, I was going to take my notes under my desk but there was a folded paper so, I opened it.

"Met me after class, in your favourite spot" I looked around and I saw James laughing with someone, in an instant I crumpled the paper and leave it behind, I don't want to give a damn.

I walked home alone and let the sadness bury me.

Days go by and I never sit or even come again to a place where you can meet me, at class, you can't talk to me you're just glancing at me, I don't know why but for sure even though you never told me it just that you don't want other see us and befriend with some outcast like me.

"Hey? Are you avoiding me?" the question that is really hard to answer, I want to say yes but, I don't want to lose him.

There were questions that you knew already the answer but you were afraid because you were too considerate, thinking those answers might hurt someone or can lead to falling apart.

I said all the white lies I know just to avoid those questions to divert the mood, I love hanging out and talking to you but every time you tell me to change or to make myself better I feel like my world turns upside down, and when the time I can't handle it anymore, I just burst out like a bomb and tell you so many hurtful words that saddens you and told me that I should've said that I'm becoming uncomfortable every time he told it. But I just want to tell you that I feel bad after that I want to tell you how I'm sorry I am but I'm afraid that you would turn me down and don't listen to what I've said but I guess I should have.

One morning I saw you with someone you were laughing with her like she was the best of the best, I wish I was her. I envy her no, I'm jealous of her.