Birdgirl

19 - Alone Together, Remember?

"Where have you been these past few weeks, dude?" Trevor inquisitively asked Ice as he and Landon accompanied Ice towards the soccer locker room over at the other wing of the school.

The tallest of the group set his large hand over Ice's shoulder, halting him in his path, which in turn stopped a curious Landon as he carefully inspected the interaction. The youngest boy was secretly thankful for Trevor's question, which he'd been dying to ask but couldn't. Landon had been holding his tongue as his brother seemed to have the least patience for him and snap immediately.

At times, Landon had contemplated on asking Kensi to talk to his brother but his culpability prevented him from doing so. Why had he awarded Kensi blame? What did the girl ever do to him? He didn't know but he needed balance and the person who didn't belong with them in the first place seemed to be the only person he could dump garbage to.

What Landon failed to put into consideration was the part where Kensi had belonged in Lia's life long before he even squeezed himself in it.

Brows immediately knitted together, Ice's irritation was palpable. If that didn't sent the message, what he did next practically slapped reality against the basketball players' faces. He harshly yanked his shoulder free of the loose grasp and continued walking without a care for the world.

The other two looked at each other, both confused and cringing due the uncharacteristic outburst. Eventually, they shrugged at the same time and followed the football player.

Within Ice's being was a turmoil that had been begging him for relief. For weeks, he had been constantly disappearing on his friends, making up phony excuses just so he could settle whatever "more important matter" for an hour or two and come back as if nothing had happened.

Ice would put up a nonchalant façade that none of his friends bought. He wished he had a face capable of lying but his expressions would betray his words. It was not only that, his tone had lost its youthful vigor. Playful was abruptly replaced by morose and sullen, as if life had been sucked out of him.

The group would often find him staring into space and watching dust particles ascend as a beaming light shone upon them. There were no more idiotic interjections that almost always included cheesy pick-up lines or celebratory chants that he'd blurt out about their sacred group at random.

Ice seemed to have transformed into a different person.

"Nowhere." Ice begrudgingly retorted with an irritated huff, when he figured the two needed answers.

He assumed a defensive stance and shoved his hands in his front pockets, showing his disinclination to engage in the conversation. He was, however, smart enough to divert the conversation.

"Where's Amber?"

Trevor was stilled for a moment. Pulling his head back, he expressed his genuine bafflement but knew better than prod Ice into a confession.

It would be counterproductive.

"Cheer." He breathed, scratching at his brows, feeling utterly defeated. "Diana?"

"Cheer."

"Oh, right. Sorry."

"Kensi?" Landon chimed in, eyes planted onto the ground as residual guilt continue to ravage him. One hand holding onto the strap of his backpack by his collar bone, he dug his nails onto the fabric as he controlled his disappointment in himself.

"Class. Casey?" Ice answered instantly, being the only one who begged for Kensi's phone number and therefore check on her every now and then.

Landon suddenly stopped, eyes wide and terrified. His mouth was slightly ajar and he slowly lowered his hand to his side as he scrutinized the person before them. Fear immediately crept onto him, crawling from his scalp to the tips of his toes.

Suddenly, Ice's mysterious temperament paled into insignificance. For the time being, at least.

"Right there." He whispered almost disbelievingly as his hand slowly raised to point towards the terrified girl a couple of feet from them.

The other boys' gaze immediately flitted towards Lia, features mirroring Landon's frightened expressions as soon as the initial shock wore off -a gasp was even pushed out of Trevor's mouth. Incredulous pairs of brows furrowed as pairs of eyes glimmered of their concern.

Something was wrong. It wasn't the Lia they were used to.

Lia was strong and brave, and would not let anything faze her but she was there, features ashen and chin quivering - at the brink of tears. She was resilient and would often provide comfort and not its receiver. Lia always stood tall and would not take crap from anyone but she was hunched over with her hands on her knees, and she looked so small and fragile that none of them even thought of approaching her in the fear of breaking the girl with the smallest touch.

They never realized that they took courage from her and without that, they were disoriented.

What were they supposed to do then?

Suddenly, it felt too hot. The light air that was supposed to be covering the entire room succumbed to the tension emanating from Lia and the bright, fluorescent-lit hallways immediately turned hazy.

The boys stood frozen, not quite believing the scene before them. Surely, they could have spotted the signs but apparently, it was only Kensi who paid enough attention and saw them, and dealt with them as they came.

If Landon's sudden contempt for Kensi crumpled his spirit, seeing the reality of her words unfold before his eyes incinerated all of his conviction. What right did he have to feel any sort of disdain for the girl? Lia clearly needed Kensi, and the fact that his feet felt as though they were cemented in place only mortified him.

"Where's Kensi?" Lia croaked out in a small, rickety voice which came out scratchy from her dry throat. The imminent appearance of tears shook her voice, jabbing her friends' hearts painfully that they all grimaced, physically feeling the pain. "I want Kensi. Please. I need Kensi."

Lia's tired eyes searched for an escape, enduring the stress she gathered from seeing the identical blue shirts with that blasted jersey number flaunted on the back. She frantically searched until she found the bathroom right across the library doors, which she would have remembered if only her thoughts were coherent. Her wide, horrified eyes prompted the boys to look around and spot what she'd been eyeing.

It was only then that a realization basked them, mumbling "Duke" in unison.

Lia wanted to run, to escape a nightmare that had been chasing her. But she couldn't. She physically couldn't. How could she? The nightmare lived within her head and had been overpowering her flimsy tenacity. Instead, she limped towards her friends until her legs gave out and she could no longer hold herself up. Desperately grabbing the nearest object, Ice's shirt, right at his chest, Lia balled the fabric in her cold and trembling fist and was panting as if she'd run a marathon.

Ice held onto her sides, keeping her steady and could feel the heightened temperature underneath her shirt. Frightened hazel eyes momentarily met pained brown ones, he wanted to ask her questions or say words of succor that might alleviate the burden within the confines of Lia's chest but he had none.

Ice was silenced by his own anxiety. Besides, he knew about the three in the afternoon schedule but didn't think much of it - Lia had effectively fooled them with a façade that they should not have bought.

They all doubted her strength at least once in the wake of Duke's death. Lia was too put together, too calm when everyone expected her to break down and shatter. They never expected it to happen over four months later when almost everyone had managed to put their lives back together and live despite the missing piece of their hearts.

Lia congregated all her strength and bolted towards the bathroom before any of the stupefied three could utter a single word. She needed energy to spare and she could not provide a portion of it to speaking. That would be a waste. She figured she'd said what she needed to say and concentrated on guiding herself towards the bathroom that seemed to be floating farther away from her.

Lia's vision throbbed as her head continued to spin, and every single pulse resonated in her skull as visions of her lifeless best friend muddled her thoughts and blinking raucously, luring her utmost attention. The bile in her stomach had intensified, ever bubbling and rising, and she could feel its ascent in her mouth.

It seemed to have been the farthest distance Lia ran due to her warped perception of reality. Her legs were heavy and her stride was the most rickety that she somehow forgot she had control over their function.

Her throat stung and so did her eyes. As the surge of bile coursed up to her mouth, tears welled and hindered her vision further. Nose flushed, every intake of air she took caused an irritation in her throat, something that encouraged a reverse function that would expel digested food along with seething acid.

Lia crashed against the heavy blue door and pushed past the first stall, kneeling in front of the porcelain toilet and emptied the contents of her stomach. Retching noises ricocheted against the smooth walls as the stench cloaked the space, eliminating what was left of the ladies that previously occupied the bathroom.

As far as she was concerned, her world had come crashing down on her and the landslide came with no warning, even if Kensi had seen stones or boulders come rolling down to signal an imminent avalanche.

Before she even realized it, tears made their appearance, gracefully descending in beads - some forced out of her as she continued to choke out the contents of her stomach while some from the grief that should have claimed her months prior.

Lia was only able to reach for the paper towels when sobs racked her body, thrumming not only her shoulders but the heart that had been adamantly avoiding it. She was rendered defenseless and the barrage of tears reserved for Duke made a waterfall out of her eyes.

"Where the hell are you?" Frantic, Ice almost yelled at the receiver of his cellphone after the other person picked up, nine rings too late. He had even forgotten the barrier of respect he had for the person and could not honor it for the time being with a helpless Lia counting on them.

On the other side of the door, Ice had been pacing while the other two stood on either side, acting as if they were palace guards - blocking every single person that even attempted to infiltrate the space. They could have attempted to but were not certain if they would be able to provide the kind of comfort Lia sought for.

Whatever little reprieve they could provide, barging through the door never crossed their minds - fearing they were not strong enough.

"Whoa. Okay. Calm down." Kensi grumbled, whispering her answer but the tension in her irritated voice was tangible. "I am stuck in class. Mr. Myers is still yammering about the importance of education and said sports can wait. What's going on? Did something happen?"

Ice could imagine Kensi sinking in her seat, just so she could get the call. He was compelled to feel remorse for even yelling at her but willed himself not to. It was a critical situation and apparently, there was only one person who could help and he'd be damned if he didn't make sure his Casey got it.

"You gotta bail, dude." He urgently ordered and would not take no for an answer - setting his hand over his forehead, which was inching towards his hair line to brush through his dirty blonde tresses. His heart was beating out of his chest and had been thwarting his ability to breathe. He had forgotten all about the soccer game he was supposed to watch or play.

"Casey didn't look so well. She's in the bathroom in front of the library and she's asking for you. Hurry!"

"f**k! Screw Myers! I'm coming." Kensi muttered and instantly dropped the call. Courtesy was the last on her mind.

Ice pulled his phone in front of him just as it displayed that the call had ended. He pursed his lips, pulling his head back and released a thoughtful hum.

"Interesting choice of words." He mumbled disbelievingly and still without a hint of humor in his words.

"Who was that?" Trevor looked up from the ground he was sitting on, brows high up.

Ice fumbled with his phone and wagged it before his friend. "Casey's first lady."

He took a deep breath and looked out into the seemingly endless hallway, searching for Kensi. His throat was easily becoming a bed of cacti, scratching painfully each time he swallowed.

"Hurry, Kensi." Ice whispered to the wind.

Kensi's knee bounced in anticipation, waiting for an opportunity to dash. She could live with one detention slip in her records but she could afford it without receiving an earful from the History teacher, who would not hold back if given the opportunity. Time was of the essence and it had only been three seconds since the short man with a hefty mustache, who stood before the class, had looked down on his notes to make sure he had been following it.

"Turn the f**k around, Myers." Kensi grumbled under her breath, jaw muscles sore due to her intensely gritted teeth. "How am I supposed to ditch?"

Poking her tongue out, Kensi ran the muscle over the dried up surface of her lips but did not do much considering her mouth had already been desert dry. The compression in her chest restrained her from expanding it and therefore, was rendered unable to take supposed deep, calming breaths.

It was an intense situation and the speed of her heart was unnerving. Heat had settled over her shoulder and quickly consumed her head and torso but it could not penetrate her numbing feet and palms. She could pass out from due to it and there was no slack to allow her to - not when Lia needed her.

No, she was getting out and she was going to be by her girlfriend's side, scolded or not.

Head flitting to all four corners of the room, she sized the space up to examine the best way out. If in the beginning of the class she cursed the person occupying her usual front row seat, she was thankful for her now. The door was to her right and it was merely three long strides until freedom.

Kensi avoided thinking about her girlfriend and the state she was in. That would only exacerbate the tension already distressing her. Yes, Lia was her priority. But she needed a calmer heart to be able to think straight and find a way out.

Holding her breath, Kensi quickly gathered her things and counted every ticking second and had everything in her backpack at four seconds. Another second later, she had slipped her arms through the straps. Her head was beginning to feel light and fuzzy and it was two seconds later that Tom Myers mumbled something Kensi didn't care to hear and swiveled to write something on the board.

Kensi tiptoed towards the door and held onto the door knob tightly before twisting it and slipped through the smallest c***k she fitted in, never caring to close the door gently upon tasting the air outside the suffocating room.

At the sight of the painfully bright white linoleum floor, Kensi exhaled very deeply in her relief and immediately followed an inhale.

"Lia." She mumbled, eyes bulging out at the painful reminder of her girlfriend.

Upon the mention of the name, Kensi was off. She careened through the hallway, swerving and avoiding bodies that have been moving too slow for her liking. In her rush, she noticed masses of people in blue and a particularly inviting bright gold font that Lia and the boys have seen but she could not hear anything else but her heart, the pace and the force seem to have been mocking her, telling her to run faster.

Kensi never stopped to inspect them until a person deliberately stood on her way, smiling innocently and extending his arm to her, handing an identical blue shirt that she blindly accepted but never paid much attention to. Instead, she ran and ran until she diminished the yards that separated her from her girlfriend, shirt tightly held in one hand.

Another sharp turn later, Kensi was skidding against the surface to prevent from colliding against any of the four boys gathered before the bathroom - four boys. The three visibly relaxed while the other one gulped, hard and in one of his hands was her girlfriend's backpack, which confused her in the beginning but remembered that Lia had two students to tutor within that day and one happened to be Jeremy O'Neal.

"Why is my friend crying, O'Neal?" Trevor barked, glaring at the shorter boy, who had shrunk beneath three pairs of determined eyes that were set high up with their intimidating heights. Fist clenched and usually harmless brown hues seethed, fueled by his ardent care for a friend. "What did you do?"

Jeremy desperately shook his bowed head incessantly, mumbling incomprehensible words before his tongue could contort properly to pronounce real words. He held Lia's backpack against his chest, clutching onto it tightly as if using it as a shield.

"I d-don't know." He mumbled, paling lips quivering as fear overtook him. Gulping, he sealed his eyes shut, forming another flimsy protection that he hoped would keep the taller boys away. "She...she was teaching me Statistics and-and she just...just bolted out of there."

"What if I find out you're lying?"

"I swear!" Jeremy squeaked, strangulated voice due to his rapid pulse. He was worried about Lia, too. It was the only reason why he ran after her. "I care about her, okay? You don't have to believe me but I care about her!"

"Bullshit!" Landon interjected, palm pressed firmly against Trevor to push him aside. He menacingly narrowed his blue eyes, and settled between his friend and the supposed bully. "Are you asking for a-"

"Guys!" Kensi raised her voice and successfully interrupted the heated conversation, panting heavily from both physical and emotional exertion. She needed to quell the tension as she had more important matters to attend to. "I think he's telling the truth."

They were all grateful for the chaos in the hallways, especially Landon and Jeremy. The former never appreciated the extra attention albeit the formidable force they have combined as jocks and their expert wingman while the latter hated being humiliated, like most anyone. Most teachers had released their students to enjoy the day set for a game of soccer and the teenagers had been crowding the halls, reuniting with their friends - most teachers but Mr. Myers.

"Is she there?" Kensi sauntered over to Ice who had his back against the door, evidently frustrated and practically done for the day.

The green-eyed brunette was still unable to control her breathing and the heaving motions of her chest were too obvious to ignore. There was turmoil within her, a havoc that had been waiting to break out and the only thing to provoke it was Lia. Everything hit her with such force that her knees were weaker and she was trembling as if her core muscles had never been used for decades. With trembling hands, she slung the blue shirt over her shoulder, having nowhere else to situate the excess clothing.

It was a terrible decision to allow her green orbs to wander and assess the damage through the other pairs of eyes. There was a switch that that caused all four eyes to shine with pure horror that made Kensi wonder what kind of nightmares they woke up from.

And as far as she was concerned, she was living within a nightmare that began when she answered her phone.

"Yeah, but don't bring that." Ice extracted the shirt and threw it to one side, no intention of having anything to do with it. He then set his palm over his face, running it down until it reached his stubbed chin, simultaneously releasing a huff.

The tension licked every person's skins, heating the irritated areas up into sweating. Pressure was tormenting their chests, preventing any sort of relief to allow their lungs to overwhelm itself with as much oxygen they could hold. Fear was easily crawling their veins, rattling their resolve.

But to Kensi, everything was multiplied twice, thrice over and the backpack was only suffocating her even more and so, she slipped her arms off and handed the item to Ice.

That was her girlfriend, hiding from the world in that cold bathroom. That was her girlfriend, crying her eyes out. That was her girlfriend, crumbling beneath the pain. That girlfriend needed her to be put together and dependable.

Blinking furiously, Kensi begged for the moisture clouding her green eyes to dissipate. She'd been avoiding physical contact that would have slightly lull with the stresses of her heart but that would only force floodgates open.

She closed her eyes tightly and took a deep breath, all the while congregating every rational thought process to come up with something and mustering every strength that laid dormant in her body.

"When we come out, I want you guys to be in better control over your emotions." Kensi reminded the boys, lifting an index finger as if warning them. She sniffled and then swallowed hard to allow air to pass through her strained throat and in turn words. "I need all of you calm - as calm as you could muster but better than this mess that we all are right now. I don't need any of us making the situation worse than it is and I can tell you, it already is pretty bad."

"Please, guys." She implored as her shoulders slumped in defeat, the load upon it felt heavier. Her glossy eyes found the other set of eyes that were looking towards her for strength, direction, light. They were like lost puppies without Lia. "For Lia."

The two words seemed to have been an antidote to the spell that bound everyone helpless and all five members of the conversation expelled a heavy huff.

A nod later, Kensi was gently coaxing Ice to step out of the way with a pat on the shoulder. She was unconsciously taking deeper breaths, a desperate attempt at steadying her restless heart. It was supposed to involuntarily work but not to great lengths as beating Kensi up to cuts and bruises from the inside.

Regardless, the green-eyed girl pushed the door open and was met by the much colder temperature within the tiled surface of the room. It was quiet for a mere second and the only thing that Kensi could hear, apart from her own heart, was the dramatic decrease in volume of the world outside that was slowly being literally shut off by the closing door.

"Babe," Kensi called in the most timid of voices that crawled out of her dry throat, she took cautious steps towards the first stall.

Kensi expected every possible answer that would signal that Lia was indeed in the room. She braced for the smallest and scratchiest voice, maybe a sniffle, or a sob. Any sort of response would hurt her, she was sure of that but when she heard a quiet moan which preceded little sobs and sniffles that were riddled with misery and spoke of the vulnerability, Kensi grimaced - raising her apprehensive shoulders as some sort of shield.

Kensi wanted to stop in her tracks and close her eyes but didn't. In her head, she was chanting some reassuring words that included "Lia needs you -you have to be strong for her" as she watched each foot hit the ground in succession.

Adrenaline had only helped propel her to her destination but it never quelled the nerves. They were still crawling beneath her skin, unsettling every fiber of her being. Kensi was perturbed and feeling all kinds of apprehension but fought to maintain her composure. Unshed tears only caused her throat to constrict further, but she was there, fighting to breathe.

Kensi did prepare for that day. She was more vigilant upon the first c***k, the night of Trevor's party, during the first day of school. The incident after their first date, which was beautiful, only prompted Kensi to be anxious, and stress about what she was currently walking into.

It almost erased every thought in her head about what she was supposed to do should Lia's downfall arose. She had plans that she was going to execute with or without her girlfriend's permission.

It felt quite surreal to be living it but it was more horrifying as the realization dawned on her. It was worse than merely fearing about it.

In retrospect, there'd be little things, trinkets here and there that would prompt Lia to cease everything she was doing, and her body would be still as she internally willed all her strength to withstand shockwaves of the loss she'd been turning away from.

There were only a couple places that Lia could avoid. Kensi had only realized that Lia had been exposed to only two more things that Duke's presence was the strongest - school and the partying, and both have done something to Lia. The constant exposure made her immune to its force and while there were spectators, Lia found it easiest to maintain her composure.

Kensi found that Lia may have forced herself to be stable within her own home, where Duke frequented and Kensi's house, which Lia had associated with the boy.

The realization only spiked Kensi's anxiety. While she was too busy bawling her eyes out, Lia had to swallow every lump in her throat and every pain in her heart just to be there for Kensi and that was what the green-eyed brunette was doing.

Slowly, Kensi pushed the yellow door of the first stall, which revealed Lia in the worst shape Kensi had seen her in, and in an instant, her heart dropped down to hell and miraculously continued beating - insufferably, this time.

Lia's legs were folded and tucked against her chest while her arms were tightly looped around it. She looked so small, so defenseless that Kensi could feel pins and thorns poking at her tired heart. Somehow, she had managed to keep her tears at bay - she was not going to grant permission.

There was another punch straight to the gut when Lia looked up to lock eyes with her girlfriend. Strands of dark brown hair was stuck to her gentle face, the thin layer of sweat acting as an adhesive. Eyes bloodshot, her nose was puffy and so were her gorgeous plump lips. Her olive features was a deep red, signaling that she had been crying her eyes out.

She looked too pitiful that even staring at her hurt.

Before Kensi could do or say anything, Lia had beaten her to it.

Apparently, there was another thing more unsettling than being told that her girlfriend was in a pretty bad shape, knowing her girlfriend was suffering, hearing her girlfriend sobbing, and finding her girlfriend in the shape she was in.

"I can't, do this anymore, Kensi. I just can't." Lia croaked out as tears continued to spill out, trembling fingers wedged within the tussled commotion of her hair. There was no softness to her tone - no endearment - no love and it was as if she was talking to a stranger, and there was a conspicuous bitterness spicing up the dreary tone. "He probably hates me."

The words rippled through Kensi's body, prickling her skin and the ice cold tone had swept through her body, raising the minute hair on her spine and arms until the chilling arrow attacked her beaten heart.

It was supposed to be cold within that bathroom, but Kensi was sweating -Lia was, too. The tension was thick and quite easy to pick out and both wished it just didn't exist -Kensi more than Lia as Lia was simply too distraught to even think in that instant.

Kensi thought she had to brace for the same breakdown with a different, higher intensity, and she was afraid of one scenario -Lia pushing her away, because of Duke.

Kensi was basked under a multitude of emotions and surprisingly, anger was one of them. She began to hate Duke for touching her, looking at her, or even just knowing her, and she absolutely despised the fact that his lips had touched her own. But then, they wouldn't have arrived the one-sided intimacy if she had only said "no" in the beginning.

So, Kensi hated herself, too and was close to simply slapping herself across the face both to focus on the problem at hand and to punish herself for even thinking it wouldn't hurt to date the school's hottest soccer varsity player for a year and a half.

"Wh...what-what are you talking about?" Kensi stumbled upon her words, shoving her trembling hands in her front pockets. She stayed where she was, by the open stall and in front of her girlfriend, fearing that her presence would only prove the reaction she feared the most.

"I wasn't there when he died -I wasn't there." Lia reasoned in her much hoarser voice as she incessantly shook her head, earnestly denying Kensi's impending reassurance before it even came. "There could have been something I could have done."

"Lia, I'm very sure he understands. You did everything you could. You reminded him to take his medicine and eat as much bananas that his stomach could handle. You've been with him through it all."

Warily, Kensi lifted her foot and showed to intention of coming closer to her girlfriend, intending on comforting her but was halted by Lia frantically exclaiming,

"No!" Lia lifted her hands as if to protect herself from her own girlfriend. "No. Don't. Please. He hates me."

Kensi's heart stopped. She was not sure how it was physically possible or how she was alive but she was sure it stopped - skipped a couple of beats and just revved back up until it was going on hyper drive. It was quite simply overkill.

The action offended Kensi more than Lia's words. It was as if she was covering herself from a predator that would certainly gut her throat and let her bleed to death, all the while gasping for air as her soul slowly left her body.

There was a tremor that shook from Kensi's chest and reverberated through her body and that little wave of chills came back and this time, stripped her of all her strength. She slumped her shoulders and freed her hands from her pockets, dropping them lifelessly to the side in utter despair.

"Why would he hate you? You were-"

"You." Lia interjected in a quiet, desperate voice as air pushed out of her tired lungs.

There was no life in those brown eyes that held galaxies within and there was no softness that would often communicate the tenderness she felt for Kensi. Lia was deep, down in the rabbit hole that was grief and she was done with denial.

Lia was angry, and she had been angry since the beginning of the school year. Thankfully for Kensi, she was running towards bargaining now.

Kensi's thoughts raced that she could no longer keep up until she mindlessly leaned against the wall right next to the opened stall and sat down to the ground, extending her weakened legs out. A minute longer, she would have collapsed. She sent her head back in defeat, looking at the mundane ceiling as the first droplet slid down her cheek.

It was a losing battle and despite knowing her attempts were futile, she persevered because it was Lia and she desperately loved the girl.

She reminded herself to be understanding and she was, but it didn't mean she wasn't allowed to be hurt.

Without Kensi in sight, Lia was left to contemplate by herself. She was aware that Kensi was still there and she may not admit it right away, but it gave her comfort, the kind that only her girlfriend could provide. At some point, she wanted one of the boys to come but her pride was in the way - it always was. Ice was great at hugging, and his feelings are usually bare, and Lia liked that.

But she didn't want anyone to see her cry. There was only one who had and it was her girlfriend, the person she had been keeping at arm's length. Kensi, her girlfriend who was once her best friend's girlfriend.

The thought alone seemed to be too...for the lack of a better word, f****d up.

Rationality had been flushed down the drain along with the contents of her stomach. Lia wondered what it would be like to be dead, lifeless and floating like some insignificant plastic bag drifting along the ocean currents. If she was dead, would her best friend still be breathing the air she was ingesting? Or would he be dead, too?

Lia sort of wished she was. The hand of grief that cradled her heart was unbearable and she would never wish it upon others. Death would be a relief to her. But then, she thought of her mother, her father...her friends and then the girl waiting patiently for her. They would hurt for her, because of her and so, Lia thought death just shouldn't exist. She didn't have a say in the matter, though.

It just was unfair, to be travelling down the same whirlpool of desolation that lured the soul out of a body but they suddenly disappear into oblivion while the person continued to spin in circles, left to endure the agony of being without the other one's constant presence until it was their turn to depart.

"What about me, Lia?" Kensi precariously whispered after long quiet, and tensed moment. The force of her gritted teeth was beginning to feel excruciating but felt to do so, convinced that it would cease the barrage of tears overwhelming her. It didn't and her right hand immediately cupped her mouth, muffling the audible sounds of her ragged breathing.

"He wanted me to be there for you." Lia reasoned feebly, tears coming down more and more and she could taste the salty moisture grazing her lips. She clenched her hands into fists, banging them on her knees a couple of times as she continued to chastise herself. "But I leapt over the fence that should have stopped me from being with you."

Kensi took a sharp breath. Among the menagerie of emotions, confusion became more apparent. How did grieving over Duke become a conversation about their supposedly steady relationship? What was going to happen then? Were they about to break up?

"Are you saying you regret this? Are you saying you regret us? Because that's how I feel, Lia." It seemed as though there was no fight left in Kensi and her voice was communicating the words that didn't need to be spoken. Her other hand flew up to her face, the heels of her palms both pressed against her eyes. "That's how I feel." She reiterated. It came out strangulated as sobs and whimpers clouded over.

It hurt Lia to be unintentionally hurting Kensi, the girl she'd been madly in love with for so long.

It was true, Lia did get to know Kensi first or developed actual feelings first but she had practically raised her best friend to stand on her shoulders - she respected him, looked up to him. But then, she thought of Kensi's feelings - not about Duke's demise but how she had treated her.

It was always Kensi she turned to. Kensi who she first took her walls down for. Since they met, Kensi had taken most of Lia's heart and she willingly handed it on a silver platter, and sure enough, the green-eyed girl delicately took care of it. They had gone through so much that led to the two of them being on the same cold tiled-floor, which was most likely crawling with germs, but not sitting next to each other.

And then it hit her, Lia was not sure how she would feel if she was without her.

"N-No, but I-"

"No, you listen to me." Kensi's voice broke and the quivering lip was proving to be an obstacle in speaking but didn't wither her spirit. Her blood was beginning to boil and the warmth on her skin was not due to anxiety anymore, it was anger and to whom it was aimed at, she didn't know.

"You told me something when I was bawling my eyes out on the wake of his death. You told me the most important thing to do was to move forward and live. What do you want me to do now, Lia? Continue a relationship with a dead guy?" She continued, determined green eyes boring holes onto the innocent and lifeless sink that was not necessarily staring back at her but she had apparently, waged a war against it, imagining Lia's head. "It's not only unfair to me, it's unfair to you. You love me, don't you?"

Kensi felt pathetic and that was only the beginning of it. She was not certain of Lia's actions anymore and she began to question the duration of their relationship. Was she simply forcing Lia into it?

Albeit fearing a negative answer, Kensi was not relieved to have only been grazed with silence. Her already dwindling resolve was a haunting clue of a terrible outcome that could conclude their conversation but she knew she had to keep trying because she was going to keep her promise ever if it killed her.

The silence was becoming deafening and it wasn't the kind that they both enjoy, and Kensi had had enough of it.

Green eyes ran out of ember and only warmth was left in them. It was as powerful as the blaze but would only melt hearts, frozen hearts that have been stuck in time, in need of a healer.

"I love you and your heart, Lia." Kensi confessed, unloading the heaviest weight lodged in her chest and frustration was bleeding in her words. Her affectionate voice pulled through albeit it particularly strained and timid, and maybe cagy. She attached a hand on her forehead as fingers worked her sore temples, continuing to speak with her eyes closed. "I swear, I do. And I admire how beautifully wonderful you are. I love that you care so much about others, that you're selfless. But if you keep telling me that this, us is a mistake, don't think that I will only sit and let you.

"This is destroying you, and you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel like s**t, Lia." Running her fingers through her hair, she dropped her hand on her lap, the other finding it, unconsciously fumbling with her fingers. "I thought I made it clear to you that you're all I want and as much of a good guy Duke was, he could never be you. Dead or not, I was bound to leave him for you. Yes, it hurt when he died but I've come to realize I grieved for a friend who had tried to be there for me through it all but he was just a friend and he remained one. I'm sorry that he died and I wish I could bring him back to life for you but he's gone, Lia.

"I'm sorry but I've waited for this day to happen just so I could show you that life goes on. Life went on without him. And trust me, I get it. I get that you've spent all of your life with him but these past four months, I have seen your beautiful smile and I have heard that goofy, happy laugh." Kensi breathed, pining over Lia, her happiness, her light. She moved to wipe the tears staining her cheeks and wished she could do the same for Lia, she'd kiss the trails even. "These four months, he wasn't there but life went on."

"You weren't supposed to grieve alone, you weren't supposed suffer through the pain alone when I'm here. I'm right here. And I'm trying to be here for you. You only have to let me."

Kensi paused, working on her breathing and well, attempting to fully suppress her anger. The silence was riddled with both of their laborious, erratic breaths coupled by the sound of their own heartbeats echoing within them.

It wasn't as tensed but Kensi still felt like she was walking on thin ice.

"Let me in, Lia." She beseeched once more. "Please."

Quiet, Lia was quiet. While earnest words sputtered out of Kensi's mouth, she was quiet. In her silence, she contemplated on many things. No matter what she did, she'd always arrived at the same two conclusions -Kensi was right but she'd be ready for a rebuttal before she could acknowledge the first one. Kensi had always been right but her there would always be rainclouds looming, blocking the sun of clarity.

Somehow, their eyes were dry and there was no such excess moisture fogging their vision anymore.

Lia's silence was making Kensi lose courage. She thought about leaving and asking the other guys to take over as she felt as though she had surrendered all her fight. Kensi was exhausted. She was being attacked. But she owed it to Lia. Lia had been tortured by her feelings and hiding them for her best friend -and maybe for Kensi. She had fought against herself to remain a friend and support the boy as he pursued the girl with her help.

Apparently, she wasn't as discrete as she intended when all three of the other boys could read through all the averting glances, simple friendly words and supposedly innocent touches. But that was not the issue anymore.

"Lia, what did I ask you to do the night of our first date?" Kensi muttered, helpless and frustrated but surprised herself when she heard her words. "What did I tell you?"

"Run to you." Lia's small, scratchy voice resurfaced and as the coy tenor bounced against the walls, Kensi's heart quivered.

Lia actually talked and more importantly, she remembered. It sparked a new hope in Kensi but the green-eyed girl was wary not to throw firewood immediately on the small flame only for herself to be engulfed in the fire should Lia let her down once more.

"I need you to do that right now. I'm right here, babe." Kensi's voice wavered, lured deep in her desolation that tears brimmed her eyes until they slid down the contours of her smooth porcelain cheeks.

There was a severity in the words she was about to utter and if denied, it would have broken her. The frown etched on her features seemed to have taken a permanent shape that her forehead began to ache, to feel sore. Pads of her fingers became acquainted with the smooth fabric of the hem of her shirt, she fumbled with it until she felt like she was ready to ask a favor - ready to accept a decline.

"Run to me. Please? Or please let me come near you. I'm not going to hurt you. I promise." Kensi couldn't believe she had to say those words to her girlfriend, to promise that she meant no harm but she had to. She knew she had to, it was crucial that she did. "I promise I will help you through this. I'll try to help you feel better. Trust me, Lia. I made you a promise four years ago, and it's time I show you. Remember the promise I made at the park? The swings? Do you remember that?"

"Remember? I told you you didn't have to be strong with me. I'll make up for it, somehow. I won't let you fall without trying to catch you." Kensi's words were laced with despair. It was too palpable to deny and Lia was compelled to listen, to devote her attention to her girlfriend, who was patiently sitting close by. "Alone together, Lia. Alone. Together. I'm here and you know I'm never going to leave you - not right now, not ever."

Kensi nor Lia didn't know which of Kensi's words compelled Lia to get up but it didn't matter. The next couple of seconds slipped past like a blur and the next thing they knew, Lia was sitting on Kensi's lap, arms over the green-eyed girl's shoulders while porcelain arms managed to wrap themselves around Lia's torso tightly, showing no signs of letting go.

Lia was sobbing by the time she felt Kensi's body and she could feel the strong pull her girlfriend had on her - physically and in every sense of the word. There was no holding back the tears anymore. Kensi had always made her feel safe and it transcended the corporeal - Lia could feel anything, everything irrational and Kensi would always be there.

Lia felt no judgment and so, with every suppressed power of her pride, she cried and Kensi was there to steady her shaking body while silently crying with her.

They held each other even after the last droplet of tear ran its course and seeped onto Kensi's shirt. Lips permanently planted against Lia's head, the green-eyed girl rocked them gently, side to side like soothing a baby.

"Do you trust me?" Kensi mumbled, moments after Lia's breathing evened out and received a little nod.

"I need to take you somewhere and we're going there right now." She declared, resolute about the plan she had conjured up upon Lia's first outburst. She planted another tender kiss onto the same spot on her girlfriend's head and squeezed her. "I'm sorry, Lia but I can't ask you if you want to or not."

"I trust you." Lia whispered, straining her weakened body which conflicted Kensi's happy heart from hearing the declaration of faith but stabbed said heart at the tiny, pained voice.

"Thank you." Kensi expressed sincerely and went for another small peck. "While we're going there, your eyes have to be looking at me all the time. If not, I want you to close them until I say so."

Another nod later, Kensi lovingly coaxed Lia to get on her feet and was quick to join her. Arms protectively slung over Lia's shoulders, she pulled her close and stayed that way as they slowly walked out the door. Kensi held her tight and shielded her from the world.

Kensi wasn't concerned about he looks of their perturbed friends whose gazes have been on Lia's face that had been buried against her girlfriend's collarbone.

Upon asking for Ice's car keys, Kensi escorted Lia out into the parking lot, where she decided she needed to pick Lia up. So, Kensi bent over and slung one arm behind her girlfriend's knee and the other on her back.

Lia had no earthly idea where they were headed but she trusted Kensi with all her heart. She had a feeling but couldn't be too sure. Her eyelids had been sealed, just as Kensi ordered while her hand was securely wrapped around Kensi's wrist.

It was a little over twenty minutes when the speed slowed down into a halt and Lia's heart was beating savagely. Kensi's was too, in fact, it was making her dizzy as stress stirred her body once more.

Lia could hate her.

Kensi reached for Lia's hands but asked her to keep her eyes closed. She took a deep breath, something she did to boost her confidence.

"Please tell me if I'm doing something wrong but I need you to listen to me first." Kensi's apprehension was thick and blended with the air that they could both taste it. "I'm only doing this because I love you and I care about you so much."

"Lia, you've taught me a lot in the four years we've known each other. You've taught me to love and fight for the things that make me happy. You were ridiculously frustrating but since I persevered, my efforts paid off. Because after everything, I'm happy. I'm happy with you.

"You taught me to deal with everything head on and even when we're scared, we have to just have to deal with it directly and that's what I'm asking from you right now.

"And I think this is how you can move past this - how we all can move past this. We're worried about you and please know that I'm only doing this because I think this will help.

"If taking you here was a terrible decision, that's okay. We will have eliminated one of the options we have to help us move past this. You can hate me after and that's okay. As long as we tried this."

Kensi released a deep and heavy huff, gently wriggling her left hand loose and instead set it on Lia's cheek. She then, leaned in and planted tender kisses on her closed eyes and finally, took her girlfriend's lips as a last form of reassurance.

"Open them." She whispered, feeling a twist in her stomach as fear heightened.

To the person grieving, the future is filled with possibilities could never be more bleak. No sort of reassurance of impending relief could lull anguish and words don't hold magic, or combine into a secret chant, and Kensi knew that but she knew she had to speak.

Because for the meantime, a lot of things don't matter, nothing else did but the empty bed they leave behind, the empty room, the smile they won't get to see. Because at the end of the day, their last memory of the person was how they looked inside the coffin and the excruciating pain they felt when the ground was sealed, erasing that there was even a hole six-feet deep.

It was especially hard for the person in denial, where the reality comes crashing down like an avalanche, unrestrained and suffocating, and ruthless.

But Lia had been holding on to the pain because for some twisted reason, she feared that if she continued to hurt, she wouldn’t forget him. And she owed it to him to keep his memory alive.

Kensi knew all of that. She was simply trying to make Lia feel that she was there, that she shared the pain. So, she squeezed that small hand within hers, laced with her fingers, and raised it up to her mouth and kissed it ever-so-gently.

Kensi's nod prompted Lia to adjust in her seat and take in what was staring right back at her.

Lia had not been there for months - she had not been there since the funeral and it gave her a menagerie of feelings that were mostly attacking her heart and mind. There was a reason she stayed away and her hand instantly held Kensi's tighter in the hopes of absorbing some of the green-eyed girl's strength.

Iron gates that served as an entrance to a manmade meadow that was only disrupted by headstones that are supposed to represent the body of a person who had lost their soul. It was a solemn place which considered fun and laughter taboo. While people celebrate the lives of the departed, they do not celebrate death for it is excruciating. A stark difference that should be recognized that Lia felt strongly about.