Birdgirl

4 - For All Those Secret Glances And Secret Touches

“Did you have some sort of epiphany before school started?” Kensi asked as Lia emerged out of her en suite bathroom. She pointed the remote at the television mounted in front of Lia’s bed, where she lay, head propped up by three pillows.

“What do you mean?” Uncertainty tainted Lia’s eyes, looking towards Kensi to elaborate.

“What happened to your normal clothes? The tank tops and the sleeveless blouse. Did you donate them all to goodwill or something?” She gestured towards the flannel Lia was wearing with a finger, making circles in the air.

“I occasionally wear these things.” Lia looked down on her ensemble, tugging at the hem as if to present it to her.

"But you hate long sleeves. You said it suffocates you." Kensi reasoned, the indifferent façade she created cracking where it encountered Lia’s rock solid resolve.

The sight of her frown prompted Lia to breath out a sigh. She sauntered to the bed and sat on the edge of it. She reached for Kensi's hand and ran her thumb across her knuckles

“People change. I guess?” She offered but it only served to deeper the gorge on Kensi’s forehead. “This is thin and breathable.”

Remorse started a commotion in her chest but Lia had control over her expressions. Kensi knew her more than anyone and she couldn’t pick out the miniscule tension that loomed over her brows when she shot the question.

But Lia didn’t have an answer that would have appeased Kensi.

The truth might have worried her more.

Kensi didn’t say anything. She only nodded in defeat, holding her head low. It bothered her when she realized she hadn’t seen Lia cry since that night and the way Renee looked at her daughter with worry in her eyes only intensified her hears of Lia inflicting pain on herself. It frustrated her that she needed Lia to confide in her before she could do anything.

Being her friend needed patience because broaching the subject would only frighten Lia, forcing her in on her shell.

"Are you okay?" Lia asked, knowing that that was the first time Kensi had been in the neighborhood since Duke's funeral. She saw Kensi's discomfort as something related to her best friend's passing and she could not be more wrong.

Kensi did avoid ever visiting that part of town. At first, it was merely because everything reminded her of Duke and it caused an inevitable surge of agony that was paired with remorse for all the things she wasn’t willing to give him. The love she couldn’t return. At one point, Kensi felt that it was unfair of her to feel a speck of happiness and that she did not deserve such bliss when she didn’t love him right, and his parents were still mourning.

But she hadn’t even thought about that when she hopped on Lia’s bike and told her she wanted to hang out.

All she wanted to do was be with Lia.

"I am. I promise I am." She reassured Lia, beaming her pearly whites at her. "Are you? Lia, you can tell me anything. You know that."

Kensi flipped her hand over to intertwine their fingers, however physically possible. Her thumb slipped on the gap between Lia's pinkie and ring finger, feeling the twist tie she had given her the night before. She felt a sense of pride knowing she could have thrown it out despite its symbolic meaning, and if she did that, she wouldn't hate Lia for it.

"What makes you think I'm not?" Lia asked defensively, somehow offended by the question and the weight that it hit her with. She attempted to withdraw her hand from Kensi's but she only tightened her grasp.

Lia was at least convinced she was okay.

"Hey! Don’t be all tough on me. I’m not one of your bird boys." Kensi lightheartedly narrowed her eyes at her. She only let go of Lia's hand so she could inch closer to her. She sat next to her, reclaiming her hand.

Kensi flashed her a mischievous grin and it was enough to coax a smile out of Lia, who rolled her eyes in a feigned contempt. It was almost too easy but nobody else could do it but Kensi.

Their playful banter ended before it began when Lia's phone ring. Kensi watched with despair as the smooth olive of Lia’s skin turned ashen. Lia knew full well who could be calling her at that moment after it happened on a daily basis. With great reluctance, she let go of Kensi’s hand and dragged her feet to her desk, where her phone was.

Despite expecting the caller, she cringed when she saw the name on the display, her gut relentlessly punched when her gaze set on Kensi. She gripped the device firmly, her knuckles turning pale.

"I have to step out for a bit. It's Duke's mom." She muttered with great caution, the thought of Kensi's distress swirling in her. She feared she would crawl back to her burrow she called her bedroom like she did all summer. "I should take it."

"No. It’s okay." Kensi shook her head, she thrust her hand out, hoping for Lia to take it. "Come sit with me. I want to hear it...if you don't mind." She sought for Lia's approval who only nodded.

They both sat on the edge of the divan bed, sides pressed against each other. Kensi swung her left arm behind Lia's back to rest her hand on her left thigh. Kensi was determined to let Lia feel the same comfort she had provided her with during her toughest times. They’d always been affectionate towards each other but Kensi was more fearless with her touches.

"Hi, Aunt Deb." Lia shakily greeted, holding her phone between herself and Kensi. Her eyes wandered aimlessly at the white walls and the television that stared back at her as she bit her lip, anxious about hearing more bad news.

Ever since Duke’s death, Lia had developed a fear of answering phone calls. She’d always braced herself for more tragic news as she kept replaying Deb's frantic voice, asking her to come over as they waited for the ambulance. But Kensi’s grip anchored her, keeping her from unravelling.

"Hi honey! How was school?" Deb's tone came out as light and joyful much to Lia's relief, allowing her to breathe.

Lia expecting something else, that Deb would be hysterical. After all, it was the first time she did not wake up in the morning to prepare the healthiest breakfast for her son's first day of school, his senior year. Despite her own grief, she couldn’t imagine what Deb was going through, losing her teenage son.

Waking up in the morning with that hollow yet heavy feeling in her chest made her latch onto Lia like she was her own child.

And Lia let her.

"It was good." Lia’s voice shook with uncertainty. She didn’t want to sound too happy for Deb’s sake. "How are you, Aunt Deb?"

"We're getting there. Duke would have loved his senior year." Deb said after a heavy sigh, unable to hide the longing and Lia could not blame her. "Have you seen Kensi?"

Deb would have reached out to Kensi if she could. But Lia had graciously asked her not to. She told Deb that it was best to let Kensi sort things on her own, allow her to grieve and make sense of everything on her terms. The conversation came after she saw Kensi ignore Deb’s phone call after the funeral and the sob that racked her body when she saw the name of the caller.

She felt Kensi stiffen beside her and lifted her head to find her shaking her head, mouthing ‘I’m not here.’

"She was at school today." Lia decided to say, the strain of her apprehension making it difficult to enunciate her words.

"How is she?"

"She's...she's doing better."

"I'm glad she is. I'm happy for her." Deb tried to sound sincere but she was betrayed by her own voice. She let out an audible sigh and again, Lia knew what she was going to say that she was able to mouth along with her. "Can you come by today?"

There was a long, painful descent that Lia's heart took as she heard those words. It had always ended with that invitation that Lia couldn’t decline. It may have been posed as a request but for a period of days in the past, Lia was compelled to comply. During the summer, if Lia wasn't work or at Kensi's, she was with the Hunts. Renee would offer to visit Deb instead knowing the discomfort it would constantly bring her daughter. She was her friend after all, not Lia’s. And her daughter was not meant to bear the burden of a mother’s grief when she had her own anguish to deal with.

Her distress was palpable in her shallow, labored breathing and Kensi was right there to calm her down with a kiss to the cheek and a hand that drew her near.

"Don't worry." Kensi whispered affectionately, her lips barely leaving her skin. "It's okay, Lia. I'm here."

"I'm sorry, Aunt Deb but I can’t.” Her eyes were closed when she declined, bracing for something, anything that would worsen her pain. “I promised a friend I'll go with them somewhere."

"Can I come over some other time? I can ask mom to come by. She got home at two this afternoon." Lia offered in an attempt to pacify Deb just like she's inclined to.

"Of course, honey. You can come anytime." Deb said. "How many times do I have to tell you to call me mom?" She scolded and she tried to sound lighthearted, to sound like she was joking but she wasn’t at all.

Kensi was beyond baffled by the request as evidenced by her furrowed brows. She was about to protest when Lia caught her right on time, covering Kensi's mouth with her hand.

"Okay...mom?" Lia uncertainly mumbled with her strained eyes focused on Kensi's wide condescending ones. She needed to end the conversation before Kensi said something. "I'm sorry but I'm running late. I'll talk to you soon."

"Okay, honey. Be careful. Bye!"

Lia crashed in her bed the moment her phone screen turned red. She threw her phone to the floor, not caring about what would happen to it. She just needed it away from her, away from her hand that was burning it. She groaned, rubbing her eyes as she tried but failed to comprehend the situation. Kensi followed suit, laying right next to her frustrated friend. She laid on her side and draped her arm across Lia's stomach, nuzzling her face close to the side of Lia's.

"She's compensating, Lia." She muttered in a low, hushed voice, careful not to cause her more distress.

"I know." Lia mumbled through an exhale.

"I'm sorry I couldn't say anything, baby." Kensi kissed her temple, letting her lips linger there. She moved her hand to Lia's cheek, gently pushing her friend's face closer to her. "Are you okay?"

Lia hummed her response, chasing the tingling sensation of Kensi’s lips on her skin. She was rendered speechless by the affection she showered her with. And it shouldn’t affect her as much as it did because Kensi had always been that way.

But with Landon, Ice and Trevor's relentless badgering, she considered a possibility she had never given much thought before.

The undulation of Kensi's husky voice sent chills to shoot up her spine that she could feel little hills rise across her skin. She was far too consumed by an innocent kiss, she barely heard her mother beckon them from downstairs.

"Ready for dinner?" She asked, swiveling her head to address Kensi, which was the worst she could have done to her confusion.

Her nose brushed against Kensi's, their lips barely half an inch apart. Her breath caught somewhere in her pipes, staring at her green eyes with horrified ones. She forcefully swallowed the growing lump in her throat, fighting to level her breathing if only the savage heart in her chest would stop its ferocious pounding against her ribs.

The close proximity intimidated her but Kensi simply grinned and kissed the tip of her nose.

"I am." Kensi said, pushing herself to stand up f and offered Lia her hand. "Let's go, babe."

They had dinner with Lia’s parents, and the Caseys were more than happy to have Kensi again. Lia seemed happier, talking more with her around that Eric couldn’t help but throw her a furtive glance to thank her.

They were late to the party but Lia couldn’t care less.

If anything, she wanted to delay it until she could cancel.

Kensi wasn’t one to object it. She wasn’t keen on the strong aroma of alcohol and various fragrances assaulting her nostrils. The dense air suffocated her and the thought of a stranger's sweat brushing on her bare shoulders or arms was nowhere near acceptable.

But she had to be there because Lia would be. She wanted to see the fabled Birdgirl herself even if that meant torture.

The first they saw were lines of cars parked on either side of the sidewalk with a couple more by the Washingtons driveway. It seemed as though everyone from Palm Grove High School had come to celebrate the new school year. There were quite a lot of people that some were out in the backyard even spilling to the front porch.

It was looking to be a fun night for everyone but Lia.

Lia dreaded parties with Kensi. She thought she might deal with her loss with s*x or alcohol, or both, drowning her sorrows in a foolish one night stand that won’t mean a thing. Kensi's vulnerability had been etched in her mind despite seeing her old, cheerful demeanor back.

Months of seeing her cheeks stained with tears left Lia wary.

Other than the blaring music and the unmistakable stench of alcohol and sweaty bodies, the pair was greeted by the Phillips brothers who were anxiously waiting by the front door. Ice and Landon were more than relieved to see their friend, never holding back when they engulfed her in a tight hug which left Kensi quietly laughing to herself.

The image of Ice standing up for her still etched in her mind.

"You got us worried right there, Casey." Landon murmured as soon as he let go of Lia. He had every reason to be apprehensive given it was almost and Lia usually showed up before an hour before just for them to scope the place out.

"That was not cool." Ice agreed, shaking his head to show his mock disapproval. He glanced at her companion, sharing a silent conversation of gratitude for what he and Trevor did.

Unfortunately, Lia saw the exchange and her comprehension was miles from reality, exasperating her. Landon having caught the glare, elbowed his brother.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Ice was less than pleased by the sharp pain radiating in his ribs. His question was answered by a nod to Lia’s direction disguised by scratching an itch on the back of his neck.

It was enough to calm him down and intimidate him at the same time.

Kensi would admit she wasn’t the greatest fans of Lia’s friends but it amused her how the much taller, stronger guys feared Lia. It just became more apparent that she had a natural command of things and her charm was debilitating, no one could ignore her.

"Babe, I'll just go talk to Amber for a bit." Kensi leaned closer to Lia's ear as she spotted her friend standing by the wide, open hallway, talking to Trevor and their two friends, Janiah and Mark Fletcher, who happened to be Ice’s teammate and the new quarterback.

“Okay.” Lia nodded. She was not as worried when Kensi was with people she knew and people she knew she could trust. “Just text me when you want to go home, okay?”

"I will. Don’t drink too much.”

“Okay. We will most likely be in the kitchen." She sent Kensi off with a toothless grin, catching sight of Trevor approaching them.

"Casey!" Trevor's excited voice resounded amid the loud music and indistinct louder chatter. He passed by Kensi and nodded at her in acknowledgement. "Finally!" He wrapped Lia in his arms and hoisted her up slightly before setting her back down to her feet.

Lia used to complain about it but after years of trying, she had to just deal with it and enjoy it. There were still days when she did protest, if she had something important to do and she didn’t want to be delayed or if she was busy wallowing in her thoughts.

"Babe." Landon mumbled under his breath, still contemplating Kensi's words. The more he thought about it, the more it confused him. "Kensi called you 'babe.’"

"It's not like you haven't heard her say that before, Landon." Lia shoved him by the shoulder in the hopes that it would dissuade him from prodding.

“Yeah, but she sounded different.”

“She sounded…adoring.” Ice supplied albeit reluctantly, nodding. “Like she was talking to her—”

The implication was not lost amongst the four of them and the confused looks all three of her friends were wearing still lingered that Lia was left to roll her eyes. She was not happy to be grilled by the inquisitive, meddling boys. They’d shined the spotlight on her far too many times for her to be worried but it was a subject she liked to keep between her and Kensi.

"I'll explain later." Lia dismissed despite no intentions of following through. She’d explained the pet names and the affectionate touches to her parents after one awkward conversation and she was not about to relive it with three shameless mouths that could eject the rawest of reactions. "Let's just go get some drinks. Landon looks about ready to pass out." She proposed and slipped into the house without waiting for their answer, leading them to the kitchen with Kensi’s eyes following her every move.

It was only a half hour later that they were coaxed into a circle in the back porch, among a group of ten with Kensi, Landon, Trevor, Amber, Janiah and Mark. They were sitting on the floor and in the middle was an empty bottle of tequila. Ice was wise enough to stay out of it, nursing a cup of beer while his eyes were on the lookout for someone Lia didn’t know.

Lia began to feel nervous when the more daring girls joined them. When one of them dared a boy to ask one of the intoxicated girls for her bra. She was equally horrified and mortified when he returned, victory in his eyes and bra in his hand. She’d witnessed one of them straddle Landon, giving the boy a bruising kiss, which earned him some hoots and hollers, the loudest being his brother’s.

The tug in her gut worsened when she thought about Kensi in that position that it made her feel sick.

When it came down to it, Lia felt that it would be wise to pick dare if it was one of her friends whirling the empty bottle. Telling a number of lies to a bunch of intoxicated high school kids who were bound to forget what she said the very next day seemed to be the better choice. And when Amber spun the bottle, she dared to mutter truth, when the tip of the bottle landed on her, completely blind to the mischief in her eyes that were steadily beamed at Kensi.

"Amelia Casey.” Amber said her name with purpose, what it was, Lia was about to find out. “If you were to kiss anyone in this group, who would it be?"

Lia stiffened at the question. She was half thankful and half remorseful that she did not even have a sip of alcohol that night because Kensi would know even by looking at her. At the thought of the girl who was seated to her right, a commotion stirred Lia's alcohol deprived belly. Bile was quickly rising in her system despite the calm front she put up, inspecting each person within the circle.

"I...uh...the-" Lia stammered, unable to formulate coherent words that it worried and fascinated her friends, who haven’t seen her in such distress.

She looked from her left, circling until she reached her right, where she stopped. She wondered what Kensi would have done if she said someone’s name. She wondered if she would feel inexplicable pain like she would if they asked Kensi the same question.

But there she was, staring at her, transfixed. Her brown eyes latched on to Kensi’s green ones, fighting every sober urge to lunge at the girl and attach their lips instead.

She chastised herself. Surely, the single boys wouldn't have minded if she picked one of them. Ice would gloat about it even if he knew it was a lie. Without looking at him, she was sure Ice found her flustered state intriguing but he could perceive worry over his brows.

But why couldn't she pry her eyes off of Kensi?

Kensi looked at her like a delicate flower, her eyes brimmed with clandestine affection. She was quietly saying it was okay.

Everyone, especially Kensi and the three boys waited expectantly. Her answer was obvious, it was written in her eyes. They’d been stuck to Kensi's for what felt like an eternity until her eyelids descended like theatre curtains closing at the end of the performance when she felt lips pressed against hers.

Kensi was kissing her.

And Lia kissed her back with avid purpose.

It sent them back to the time when Lia was thirteen and inexperienced just like Kensi was. A memory Lia had been trying to suppress as a sign of respect for the boy she grew up with, the same one who fell in love with Kensi.

Her kiss stole the breath from Lia’s lungs but she would gladly give it up for Kensi. All she could hear were the blood rushing in her ears and her pulse thudding against her eardrums. She could smell Kensi and her perfume and her taste buds were inundated by her sweet-flavored lips when her tongue dared to take a peek. She felt a hand to her cheek, drawing her closer.

And it all evaporated the world around them. Gasps were never heard, the loud music ignored and they would not be able to see gaped mouths and bulging eyes.

But when their lungs burned, screaming for air, they were forced to part ways.

And when she opened her eyes, she found heaven Kensi’s warm eyes even when hers only portrayed panic.