Don't Ask Me

Chapter 7: Despair

    I saw the blood drip to the floor and it spread fast, flowing closer to me and I could smell it...  It smelled no different but, it was good this time.  It almost...  no, it WAS appetizing.  My throat began to dry up and I was 'thirsty.'  The word rang in my head again and again as if I was trying to convince myself I was dying, 'I am SO thirsty that I'll die, I need to drink something.'  I thought to myself.

        "What is that?!"  I spat out trying to keep my self under control.  Kieth frowned, which made me wonder...  "Don't tell me it's actually a bunny!"  I joked trying to get the thought of the burning thirst out of my head.

        "No.  This is part of a golden retriever."

        "Oh my god, that's a puppy!?"  I tried to imagine a golden retriever doing cute things like scratching its back on the carpet by rolling back and forward and pouncing on Keith and licking him in the face, so I wouldn't want to eat it.  "I didn't think that was what you meant by you liking dogs."

        "How do you feel?"  Keith chuckled.  He knew the answer so I figured I'd tell him the truth.

        "Thirsty..."  I couldn't move my eyes from the blood.  I just watched it.  Drip...  Drip...  Drip...

        "Harder then you thought eh?"  He asked.  

        "..."  I decided not to answer this question.  I finally moved my eyes away from the blood, blinking and looked into Kieth's eyes.  "Can I go home now?"  I whined.  Keith sighed. 

          "Fine but human blood is a little harder to deal with...  Here...  Quench your thirst and then you should be good."  He attempted to hand me the hunk of meat and I hesitated because I felt like this was a test but my instincts took over because I was so dehydrated and I grabbed it.

        "Finally!"  I screamed and began to lick the dripping blood and I sunk my teeth into the raw dog and my lips gracefully wrapped around the soft meat.  You know the wonderful sensation when you are so thirsty and you grab a soda and hear the sizzle and you tip it slowly into your mouth and the bubbles tickle your throat as you swallow?  Imagine that amazing feeling times 90 million.  The thick, red, warm liquid slowly slides down ever part of my dry throat so soothingly.  I groan and hum at this feeling.

         Keith looked so ashamed.  "I'm so sorry I turned you into this."  

        I looked at what I was doing carefully thinking of how gross this really was.  What am I doing?  He is right though.  He turned me into a monster.  "It was either this or eternal silence,"  I whispered just loud enough for him to hear.  I sighed heavily.  "I better go now." I take a step and Keith grabs my shoulder. 

"You don't wanna leave looking like that," he says as he takes a cloth from his back pocket and wipes my mouth. "There, now I won't stop you anymore."

        I ran out the door and as soon as the light hit me I was slow again.  But my eyes were still glowing and I could still smell everything, I just became weak and slow.  This man was jogging and I could smell his blood through his skin and it was so appetizing "I need to hav-"  I stopped myself mid-sentence.  I shook my head.  I know I can't, not just for my sake but also for Harley,  Alfie and... Keith.  What is this feeling?  My chest tightens when I think of him.  Is it because he changed me and I have this kind of bond with him?  I have heard of that in a couple of books I read.  

        I finally got home, finally finished torturing myself.  there seemed to be so many more people out then there usually is this early...  When I entered the house all the blinds were open so I closed them.  It makes me feel less week.  My aunt wasn't awake yet so I made her pancakes.  Now that I was alone I checked my wrist to see if my scares were still there.  They were, I didn't expect them to.  I thought they would have healed since I'm now a 'vampire'.

        I  started to get ready for school.  I brushed my hair and teeth and went to my bedroom to get changed but...  I suddenly got depressed.  Everything that is happening,  I just realized now how much this is gonna suck.  now I have to eat living things.  I mean, I was always eating meat before but this feels different.  And my aunt...  oh my god she is gonna kill me...  I opened my closed blinds so there was sunlight in my room to make me weak.  I need my blades.  I feel so numb, I need to feel something.  I began searching under my bed for them.  I found them.  I kept them inside my pocket mirror.  It was black with thin red lines going across the front twice making a "X".  I began crawling out.

        "Checking for monsters?"  I heard Alfie's voice behind me.  

       I jump and hit my head on my bedframe "Nope." I grunt as I begin to stand and turn around, rubbing my head.  The window was open so I guess he broke in through there.  "I stopped looking for monsters after I realized they were in me."  He just nods, Making a change in his emotion.

       "What is that you have there?"  He asks.  I think quickly and almost facepalmed when I realized I don't necessarily have to lie.

        "It's my pocket mirror."  I stated proud. 

        "Well you don't need it anymore... you can't see your reflection."  I gave him my 'seriously?' look and he just laughed.

         "No, no.... I was just kidding."

        "Good." I sigh in relief.

        "let me see it."  He says and grabs it right from my hands. "I need to look at my gorgeous self!"

        "Hey, you can't do that!" I scream.  He puts his hand on my forehead to keep me away and thanks to the sunlight in my room, I'm no stronger than him. 

        "With this reaction, I'm guessing you are hiding something." He opens it and frowns almost instantly.  Knowing it was too late I stopped fighting and sat on my bed.  "Why?"  he asked.

        "..."  I just stayed quiet.  He gave me back my mirror and I saw the pencil sharpener blade inside.

        "Can I see?"  I just shrugged to his question and I took off my sweater.  I was just wearing a black spaghetti strap shirt underneath.  He could see my whole arms.  "These never heal ya' know?  Even through the change, they don't go away."  I looked at my arms they were pretty much identical.  there were small ones on the top left part of my wrist and the word  "HoMe" still looking pretty fresh.  The deepest ones were by my shoulder.  There were 11, straight and evenly spaced lines.  I did them on my 11th birthday.  Down my wrist were vertical ones I did whenever I felt wanted to die.  I never ever did, and I passed out every time before I could really do some damage.

        I realized something.  "What about the stab wound?"  I asked.

        "That should still be there,"  Alfie said while lifting up my shirt.  I was startled but I was curious too so I just sat still and I saw it.  A scar basically covering my whole stomach.  This was because of Harley! 

        "I didn't mean to make you feel like crap."  He was awkwardly rubbing my back trying to comfort me.  "I didn't think you were that type of girl."  I pulled my shirt back down.

        "I wish I could be like you, you are always so happy."  I sigh and look at the blades in my lap as they reflect the sunlight onto Alfie's face

        "And so the frog goes deaf."  Alfie said.  

        "Ha ha!...  I don't get it."

        "It's just something me and my mom say. I'll tell you some other time but basically it means...  Your wrong."  I get really confused at his words until he pulls up his sleeves.  "I wasn't always happy but eventually I chose to be."

        "You can't choose to be happy."  I said.  I was trying to hold back tears.  He had a lot more cuts then me but they were all almost healed.  He must have stopped way before he changed

        "When did you first do it?"  he asked

        "I was 11...  my first birthday without my parents."

        "..."  He went silent after that.

        "I decided I wanted to visit them for the first time after school today" I giggled a little before adding.  "Well, I guess I should take advantage of being the living dead and...  It's been a while since I visited."

        Alfie rolled his selves back down.

        "BEXLEY!  ARE YOU HOME?"  I heard my aunt from down stairs.

        "Sounds like your aunt is worried."

        "Ya..."  'Worried' isn't the exact word I'd use but sure.  "I'm coming down!"  I yelled.

        "Good-bye!"  I saw Alfie jump from my window.  

        "Goodbye,"  I said back, though I'm sure he didn't hear me.

        I went downstairs and the blinds were open and sunlight filled the room.  "s**t I'm gonna be killed,"  I thought to myself.  I couldn't see my aunt until she surprise attacked me.  She wrapped her arms around my neck and squeezed as hard as she could.  I immediately fell to the ground.

        "your stupid principal called children's aid because he was worried about you.  And when they showed up they gave me s**t for not knowing where you were!"  I felt her grip tighten as she was enraged.  I still don't need to breathe but it feels as though she's about to break my neck.  She let go and threw me against the table.  Everything went black for a few seconds.  "I can kill you and they'll never find you!  I'll tell them you ran away and never came back!"  She opens a drawer and grabs a knife.

        Coughing  I yelp.  "Please stop!"  I beg her.  I am weak now, She CAN kill me and she will, I wouldn't put it against her. 

        "But first I want you to feel the pain and despair you caused me!"  She turned on the gas stove.  "I want you to burn, despair!  Burn!"  She lifted me up by the arm and shoved it above the burner!

        "NO!"  It took a while for the pain to hit me but when it did,  "AAAARRGE!"  I screamed as loud as I could,  trying to focus on my screams instead of the pain and fear, But the word 'despair' rang louder through my head then the screams.  "I'm just her despair,"  I thought "that's all I am to her and she wants me to burn."