Finding You

Chapter Four

D.J.

I couldn’t sleep last night.

The fact that I found Sarah, blows my mind. Jake’s talked about his family, including his sister but she’s more beautiful that I could’ve imagined.

I know she doesn’t realize who I am but I can guarantee that she hasn’t forgotten me.

When I first laid eyes on her again, she took my breath away. Time just stood still like it always had when we were together.

I’m not sure how Jake would feel about his best friend pursuing his sister. He’s like a brother to me now but I don’t want to let him stop me.

Sarah

There is a light knock on the door, so I go to open it.

I must be dreaming because when I open the door, D.J. is standing on the other side. He’s got on tan shorts and a red and blue short sleeve shirt that hugs his broad shoulders and chest, narrowing at the hips. But the thing that makes him look even better is his dark blue backwards hat. Mmmmm.

I stare at him wondering if this is a dream.

He laughs to himself and scratches his chin. “Umm, am I early? Jake said to meet here.”

“Y-Yeah, come on in”.

I open the door wider to let him through as I wrack my brain for why they would be meeting here.

I got nothing.

Our arms brush as he walks farther into the room and I hear him inhale.

I shut the door and turn his way. He’s staring at the spot where our arms touched. I guess I’m not the only one who felt something.

Our eyes meet but the moment is ruined as Jake and Rebecca burst through the door.

“Oh hey, are you guys ready?”

I look back at D.J., who is still looking at me. The heat I saw in his eyes, now a simmer.

“Yeah,” I say a little too breathy, “Where are we going exactly?”

“Jake and D.J. invited us to lunch. I told you that earlier”. Rebecca answers with a smirk.

The look on her face tells me that she didn’t really tell me because she knew I would back out and she’s right. I have no choice but to go now.

Jake and D.J. fist bump their greeting as we walk out the door.

Rebecca and Jake are a few feet ahead of us as D.J. turns to me, “Are your sure you’re ok with this? I mean, you seemed caught off guard.”

“Yeah, that’s been happening a lot lately.”

Even though I blush when I say it, it’s my way of seeing if he’s mad about the towel incident from the other day. He gives me a smile so I know that he’s not.

“But this is fine. I didn’t realize I was hungry until she mentioned lunch.”

As if on cue, my stomach growls.

As Jake starts his truck he says, “By the way sis, thanks for being dressed.”

I roll my eyes and start to laugh but my laugh is cut off by a low moan. I glance over at D.J., who is trying to adjust himself. Before I can turn away, he catches me staring. My lips part and his eyes zero in on them.

I hear Jake talking but I can’t even begin to understand what he’s saying.

With one last glance at D.J., I manage to turn away from him toward my window.

What the heck has gotten into me? I never act like this. I avoid looking at him the rest of the drive, trying to remind myself that he’s my brother’s best friend and therefore, off limits.

We finally pull up to this little diner and have lunch. Rebecca and Jake do most of the talking as I stay quiet. Rebecca tries catching my eye a few times to see if I’m okay, but I ignore her.

On our way back, D.J. suggests stopping at a local park.

As soon as I hop out of the truck, I spot a small pond off to the side and head that way. Not bothering to see if anyone is following me.

When I get a few feet away, I take off my shoes and socks, running my bare feet through the grass. Plopping down, I stretch out on my back and close my eyes, reveling in the sunshine. I want to savor the quiet.

I hear footsteps but I don’t open my eyes.

I don’t have to open them to know that it’s him.

I feel him sit beside me, but he stays silent. After a while, I open my eyes. He’s got his knees drawn up with his arms draped over them looking out at the water.

I take the time to study his profile.

The curve of his full lips, the barely noticeable bump on the bridge of his nose, the way he squints at the sun and the way his chest moves with every breath. He looks relaxed.

“I can feel you staring at me,” he says still looking straight ahead.

I smile and sit up to get a better view.

“It’s so peaceful out here.”

“Yeah, it is,” I hesitate but keep talking, “When I was a kid and I was upset, I would always go to the creek in our backyard and sit. I’m not sure why but the water just made me feel better. Calmed me down.”

He gives me a smile.

He seems lost in thought so I give him space.

“Hey, would you be interested in doing something with me Saturday after the game? I know with classes we are going to be busy, plus football. I figured we could do something before our schedules get too crazy.”

I’m shocked that he’s asking me. I wonder how my brother would feel if I hung out with D.J. but then again, what does it matter since he’s hanging out with Rebecca.

I must have been taking too long to answer him because the next thing he says is, “Yeah, it’s cool. Never mind.”

Crap.

“No, I’ll go. I was just thinking about how Jake would feel but he’s banging my roommate so I should be able to bang his,” I manage to get out.

He puts his hand to his mouth trying to cover up his laughter and that’s when I realize my mistake. My eyes go wide, “Hang. I meant “hang out with his roommate”.

“Well, I’m glad we can “bang” Sarah,” he says through his laughter.

I close my eyes tight and cover my face with my hands. I can guarantee that it’s about the color of a tomato right now.

“Don’t cover your face. It’s okay, Sarah.”

I don’t move my hands as I shake my head and groan.

He reaches up grabbing my hands to pull them from my face and I let him.

“If it helps, I would like to bang you but I think it may be too early for that.” His eyes light up with laughter as he gives me a heart stopping smile..

My heart speeds up and I feel, not butterflies they’re too gentle, a hurricane in my belly. It doesn’t go unnoticed that he still has a hold of my hands and I savor it until he lets go. He doesn’t until Jake walks over to see if we are ready to go.

My chest feels lighter than it has in a long time.

As we head back to the dorm, I notice that D.J. is always a little bit closer to me and it makes my heart soar.

As we walk to the door, a few girls push Rebecca and I out of the way so they could get to Jake and D.J. You can tell that they’re just trying to be polite when they talk to them.

Giving each other a “what the heck” look, we wait for them by the door.

I can’t help but size them up.

Two blondes and a redhead that are all wearing clothes that leave very little to the imagination. I recognize the redhead though, she’s one of the girls that was talking to D.J. when I walked out onto the deck at the party the other night.

I watch as she puts her hands on his arm in a flirty way and tried to nonchalantly put her chest in his face.

I’m not sure why I care. I’ve seen girls do this to Jake a lot, I usually leave him be and he finds me later. But D.J. on the other hand, it’s not like he’s mine. But I feel a connection to him somehow.

I’m not one to wait around for a boy. If he wants to talk to me or spend time with me then he will prove it by calling, showing up or just being around. Daniel taught me that all those years ago. Instead of just telling me he wanted to hang out, he would just show up. At least, he was like that until the last time when he didn’t show up at all.

I start to walk inside the building when I hear the redhead ask, “So you’re coming to my party Saturday right?”

I whip my head around to catch D.J. smiling at her, “Yeah. sure.”

My heart constricts.

So much for us hanging out.

I knew I should’ve tried to stay away from him. All anyone does, besides my brothers, is hurt me.

Having a memory of Daniel on my mind breaks my heart but to have D.J. forget about me not even an hour after he asked me to hang out that day, it’s just too much.

My breathing gets shallow. I put my hands on my knees and my head down trying to breathe deep but it’s not working.

“Sarah, what’s wrong?” Rebecca sounds worried.

All I can do is shake my head but I’m not even sure if I really did that. She starts to rub my back as she keeps talking to me. My head is starting to become fuzzy and I’m barely aware of her yelling for Jake.

All of a sudden, he’s kneeling in front of me telling me to close my eyes and focus on deep breaths. I feel another hand on my back, I know who it is because I can feel the electricity and I start to calm down.

“How are you doing sis?” Jake asks as he kneels in front of me.

I answer weakly, “I’m getting there.”

I open my eyes, even though we most likely have an audience, I’m grateful that the only person I can see is Jake.

I slowly stand up. Once I’m up, I spot the girls that were talking to them and they look annoyed. It just makes me even more tired.

I look to Jake, “I’ll be fine but will you walk with me to the dorm?”

“You don’t even have to ask,” he says trying to give me a smile but all I can see is the worry on his face. He slips one arm around me and another under my legs lifting me up.

“I can walk, ya big lug. I just wanted you to walk with me,” I say halfheartedly.

He knows that when I have a panic attack, I’m usually exhausted afterwards. I’m grateful he knows me so well.

Rebecca opens the door and Jake helps me sit on my bed.

Jake turns to Rebecca, “You have any Advil?”

“No.”

“D.J., keep an eye on her, will you? I’ll go look for some.”

I see D.J. nod his head but Jake’s already heading to the door without waiting for a response.

“I don’t need a babysitter Jake. I just need to rest.”

He turns toward me when he reaches the doorway, his eyes are on me for what seems like forever until he shrugs his shoulders and walks out the door. It’s his way of saying “tough s**t”.

My eyes swing to D.J., he’s watching me with a stoic expression, but I can see the concern in his eyes. I feel a pang in my heart, but I push it away.

“We have water in the fridge,” Rebecca points to the mini fridge behind D.J. and he grabs a bottle, setting it on my desk by my bed.

“You don’t have to stay here. You can go back to your friends now. I’ll be fine.”

I meant for it to come out bitterly but all I can hear is the exhaustion in my voice.

He doesn’t flinch.

“What happened, Sarah?”

“Nothing for you to worry about.” I give him a small smile so he believes me.

He starts to say something, but Jake chooses that moment to walk back into the room, Advil in hand.

I take the Advil and lay back down facing the wall, hoping they get the hint to leave.

I can hear someone talking but I’m too exhausted to care. My body sinks into my bed with a deep sigh and I’m asleep within minutes.

D.J.

The truck is silent on the way back to the house. I didn’t want to leave Sarah but Jake said that it would be best so she could rest. He even made Rebecca leave which she wasn’t happy with, but she understood. So, she’s following behind us to the house.

There was no one in the living room when we walked in, but Jake leads us out back and pulls up a few chairs. I’m lost in thought about the other night when Sarah and I were out here when Rebecca asks, “So what happened back there, Jake?”

At first, I don’t think he’s going to answer because he stays silent for a while. But then he sighs and runs his hand over his face.

“She’s had anxiety attacks since we were kids.”

That’s weird because I don’t ever remember her having any but then again, I only knew her for a short while. I push all thoughts out of my head so I can listen to him.

“In school, the kids weren’t exactly friendly with her and I still don’t understand why. Until one day, we got a new kid in the class and he became her best friend. They were best friends for about two years. He didn’t care what anyone thought or said about her. I probably didn’t show it but I respected the hell out of him for it. I always defended her, and they would stop teasing her for a little while but would start back up when I wasn’t around to defend her. But once Daniel showed up, they left her alone. I had never seen her light up the way she did when she was with him. She was so happy. It was as if he brought her to life.”

It’s so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

Jake sighs, “They were supposed to meet up one day, but he didn’t show. I tried to convince her that he probably forgot but she knew better. She said, “He always shows up Jake, somethings wrong.” She ran to his house, but it was empty. She had never heard from him again.”

My heart breaks for her and what she’s been through.

Rebecca is the first to speak, “How awful. So, that’s how the anxiety attacks started?”

“Yeah, she’ll never admit it out loud, but I saw what it did to her. She was only eleven but the light that he brought out in her just vanished after that. I haven’t seen it since.” He pauses, “But the attacks have gotten less frequent. She hadn’t had one in a long time. I’m not really sure what triggered this one. She usually just needs some rest after they happen though.”

Hearing him recount what happened back then felt like a punch in the gut. I already felt guilty but hearing how it affected her, I wanted to vomit. I didn’t want to leave her, especially without a goodbye, but I didn’t have a choice. I had planned on being honest with her, but I don’t want to hurt her again. I just want to be her friend. But how can I just be friends with the girl I’ve been in love with since I was nine?

If I thought I loved her then just imagine how much I could love her now.

*D.J.’s Memory*

I walk into my new classroom for the first time and I saw her. She has eyes that were the color of the ocean. When she looked up at me they lit up and her face turned pink. She seems as caught off guard as I am. The teacher started talking but I can’t take my eyes off of her. “Go find a seat Daniel.” I walked straight to the girl and sat beside her. I noticed all the other girls staring at me and to be polite I smile at them but none of them were this girl. I couldn’t help but smile when she caught me looking at her. The bell was getting ready to ring and I didn’t want to miss my chance, so I got up and stood next to her desk holding out my hand like I always saw my dad do when he was meeting someone new. “Hi, I’m Daniel. Daniel James Cunningham.” I could tell she was hesitant at first but then she gave me a bright smile and took my hand. “I’m Sarah” she shrugs her shoulders and digs in her backpack, “want a lollipop?”

*End of memory*

Sarah

I wake up and look at the clock, if I remember right then I have been asleep for about three hours. Damn. But I do feel better. My mouth is so dry, I grab my water and down it. When I set the bottle back on my desk, I notice a note from Rebecca.

Left so you could sleep. Let me know when you’re up and I will bring dinner. Xoxo

As I read the word dinner, my stomach growls. I grab my phone off the desk and shoot her a text.

Me: I’ve entered the land of the living. Roomie dinner sounds great.

Not waiting for a reply, I jump in the shower to wake me up and wash the grime off.

As soon as I throw my clothes on there is a knock on the door. I swing open the door expecting Rebecca, but it’s an older woman holding a vase of sunflowers.

“I’m looking for Sarah?”

Looking behind her in the hallway for anything I say, “I’m Sarah.”

She smiles at me and I can’t help but smile back.

“Then these are for you dear,” she says as she hands me the vase.

“Oh,” I wonder why some lady is giving me flowers but then I notice the logo on her shirt for a local flower shop. Flowers From Florence.

I thank her as I take the vase and shut the door. Setting them down on the desk, I pluck the card out, curious to know who sent them.

Underneath the logo are the words “Hope you’re feeling better” with no name. They must be from Jake if there isn’t a name because he’s one of the only people at school who know what my favorite flower is. I send him a quick text to thank him and to let him know that I’m ok. Rebecca walks in the door as I hit the send button with food in hand.

“Hey” she smiles as she puts the food on her desk.

I return her smile. “Thanks for getting dinner.”

“No biggie, I figured you would want to stay in and relax anyway. It took me a few minutes to convince Jake not to come over though.”

“Yeah, he can be pretty hardheaded. But he usually means well.”

At the mention of Jake, I reach for my phone to find his text.

Jake: Glad you’re better. Next time I will get you flowers. Promise.

Me: Thanks for taking care of me. You really didn’t get me flowers? Because someone did.

Jake: wasn’t me. Maybe Becca?

Me: That’s right. You don’t do hearts and flowers, not even for me.

Jake: Watch it.

As I read Jake’s message I hear, “Aww who sent you flowers?”

I look up confused. “I’m not sure. Jake just said they weren’t from him, so I was gonna ask you.”

She spreads out the food as she shakes her head, “It wasn’t me. Maybe it was D.J.?”

“I don’t know. I doubt it. How would he know what my favorite flower is?”

She’s got a mouthful of food as she answers, “He probably asked Jake and Jake doesn’t remember.”

I’m not sure so I shrug my shoulders and eat.

When we are finished eating, we throw away our trash and sit on our beds.

“What all did Jake tell you?”

She looks at me sheepishly, “He didn’t mean any harm. He was just trying to figure out what triggered it since you hadn’t had an attack in a while.”

“I know.”

I did know. My brothers were always trying to do the right thing when it came to me.

“So, what did he tell you?”

Rebecca gets up and sits by me on my bed. “He told us how they started. How broken you were when your friend wasn’t around anymore, and I don’t blame you. He told us that over time the attacks are less frequent and that he has no idea what triggered it today since he thought we all had a good day.”

Her voice is close to a whisper, as if she thinks I could crumble at any moment and maybe I could.

But I won’t.

Not today.

“If I tell you what triggered it then you promise not to think I’m crazy or to tell Jake?” I ask her.

She thinks about it for a second then crosses her heart with her finger.

I tell her about D.J. and I making plans for Saturday and then how he forgot about me and agreed to go to the girl’s party. How it took me back to Daniel and the day he never showed up.

“Sounds pitiful I know. But it was too much to handle all at once.”

“So, in a way you were jealous?” she asks with a smirk on her face.

I roll my eyes, “I guess I was, but I was also scared. If my best friend could up and disappear like he did then anyone could. I haven’t let anyone in since then.”

“Wow. But what if… what if he only told her he would just so she would stop asking?”

I think about her question. “Well then I’m a dummy but he seemed pretty into the conversation,” I sigh, “I don’t know Bec.”

Her eyes shift to me, “You really like him, don’t you?”

“I barely know him...” I start to protest, “he’s good looking and nice. But Daniel...”

“Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either learn from it or run from it.” She says in her best Rafiki impression.

I can’t help but laugh because I definitely wasn’t expecting her to quote The Lion King. But then she says, “It seems like you’ve been running a long time Sarah. Maybe it’s time to stop.”

Maybe she’s right.