Just a ghost girl

Feelings

After learning that Matteo had had feelings for me or he probably still had things started to make sense. But only a little bit. There was still a black hole in the story and it was my feelings. The memory I had been able to remember ended with his words: "There has never been any other girl in my thoughts than you."

Matteo had always been good with words just thinking of him saying that gave me goosebumps. Every girl probably dreamed of hearing words like that, especially if someone like Matteo said them. To be his only one. All the girl in the Base wanted to be with Matteo and I had seen many trying to get to know him. But he had always chosen to hang out with me.

I tilted my head a little. Matteo was right. I was quite stubborn. It was so obvious now when you thought about it, of course, he had a crush on me. Why would a teenage boy hang out with his childhood friend if there was a beautiful girl after another ready to please him? Because he had feelings for me, deep feelings. I could remember having these same kinds of thoughts after the kiss.

But still, I couldn't remember how I had felt. This was quite a pickle. It felt quite awkward to ask directly from Matteo: "Hey, I remembered that you have feelings for me. Do you happen to know how did I answer?" I might have given him some answer already or there might have been some time limit for me to give him an answer. Everything was probably on use because of the accident. Or maybe I had given him an answer and because of that wanted to run away. 

It wasn't a bad thought. Actually, it was quite clever though from me. Maybe if I was able to figure out a theory of what had happened it would trigger the memories to come back like I had remembered Matteo's confession. Now I really wished I could use the tablet and write things down. It was quite hard to do all thinking and listing in your head.

If my answer had been no, what would have happened next:

Scenario 1:

I would tell Matteo that I didn't have any romantic feelings for him. That no matter what I still could only think of him as more of a brother than a boyfriend. Matteo would first be devastated, but as a gentleman, he would respect my feelings. He would have needed some time to recover and afterwards we would continue our relationship as it had been.

Scenario 1 was probably too rose-coloured and nothing in it would cause me to want to escape. So what would more likely have happened if I had said no:

Scenario 2:

After finding out that I only thought him as my brother Matteo would be awkward around me. It would have taken some time for him to recover. He might want to hang out with other people instead of with me. And he might meet some other girls have first a bandage relationship and then maybe he would find a girl he liked and who liked him back. That would inflict me being by myself, all alone. I might even regret showing him off.  All alone, I might have found new friends as bitter as me. Some of them with daddy issues or parent issues and we would make a plan to run away to show them all. 

Scenario 2 was quite good. It would explain why we had a little bit cold relationship right now. Matteo might blame himself for abandoning me, which eventually led to the accident. And even if he didn't blame himself it was still very awkward for him that I didn't remember that we weren't that good friends anymore.

I didn't come up with any other scenarios of how me, saying no would have ended. Of course, there could be little changes like after turning Matteo down and he found a girlfriend I would regret and run away because of that. But I thought they were all very similar to scenario 2 so I didn't list them as different scenarios. 

If my answer had been yes:

Scenario 3:

Because I was afraid to lose our friendship, I might have been too scared to say no. It might have even been that Matteo's behaviour had been colder or he might have given me some distance to think about things. I would probably have been lonely since I didn't have any other friend. So eventually I might have been too scared to say no and answered him that I liked him that way also. Matteo would be happy and so would I be first but then things might have not continued to be so lovely-dovely. Matteo might have wanted to kiss with me, hug with to be very close. Maybe even go further. There had been some girls in my class with boyfriends that had done it. And Matteo was two years younger than me. So not knowing my true feelings he might have pushed me. Mentioning that his parents weren't home and he would like me to come for a sleep-over. I probably would have chickened out. Then I would be embarrassed to meet him and found a group of "cool-kids" running away and joining them. 

Huh! Well, there was a lot going on in scenario 3. It didn't feel right that Matteo would have pushed me that far. Of course, fear to lose him might drive me to do almost anything but I had a feeling he would have felt it if I had faked. So like scenario 1 I felt that the number 3 wasn't what had happened. Although it would explain Matteo's cold action towards me. Him pushing me too far so that I would leave. He would definitely feel guilty and keep his distance.

Then there was the possibility that I had fell in love with Matteo:

Scenario 4

Love in the air. After a while, I would have realised that Matteo was the perfect catch, my soul mate and had already been my partner for life. We had always been together. I had never been interested in boys because I already had the perfect prince charming next to me. Matteo was one of the million. There would be no one better for me...

While rose colouring our love story in my mind the headache came back. It started to hurt so that I had to stop thinking. It is quite hard not to think. Actually, it is probably impossible. So the headache just got worse and worse and I ended up on the floor squicking like a trapped mouse. 

The pain was overwhelming and I didn't know what to do. I had tried to go to my rest phase but it didn't work. All alone and suffering I whispered slowly one name: "Ethan."

It happened faster than I could blink my eyes. But suddenly I was again standing at a tracking court. First, there was some blonde guy but he changed quickly to be Matteo. AI could remember being very happy at that moment and I said to him:

"I think I'm also in love with you."

Matteo looked surprised. I went to him and flicked his nose and ran away giggling. He chased after me and of course like always he was able to catch me. We fell together to the grass ground next to the tracking race. He on top of me. Both of us exhausted from the running and then he would lean in and kiss me. It felt right, it was how things should be. He was mine and I was his. 

The feelings of love, affection, happiness and many others came rushing to me. Then I knew it was true. We weren't just childhood friends. We had been in love. Probably still were.