Just a ghost girl

Matteo

After the flashback and all to rushing feelings, I had been exhausted. I had lost all energy. But it didn't stop me. Now that I had quite sure of my own feelings I needed to find Matteo more than ever. We needed to talk about ourselves as soon as possible. I felt a little bit guilty not remembering my true feelings for him. It must have been hard for him when I had not remembered anything. 

At least I would have felt lost if my current boyfriend suddenly suffered from amnesia and could only remember me as his friend. There might even be the possibility that the person suffering from amnesia might never remember and maybe fell in love with someone else. I would be afraid of that especially if the person had been Matteo, who was very popular with the girls.

Lucky for Matteo my situation was a little bit different being a ghost of all things. It wasn't easy to go on dates when you couldn't touch or eat or do most of the things. Going to movies was a possibility but holding hands there no. And on the other hand, I wasn't popular at all with guys so the possibility for me to meet someone else was close to zero.

I had rushed out of my room to search for Matteo although I didn't have any idea where I should go. After a while of running aimlessly, I stopped. I really should have some kind of plan, shouldn't I? This wasn't like in movies that just running around I would accidentally come across with Matteo. I would tell him that I remembered and we would rush to each other and kiss. Although it was how I wanted this to end. But sadly I still wasn't human.

Sadness and the exhaustion took best of me and I sat in the corner of some random corridor. Why was the world so cruel for me? I finally remembered that I had someone I loved and who loved me back and I wouldn't be able to even hug him. More than anything I would have wanted to kiss Matteo. To confirm that everything I remembered was right. 

The loneliness that I had felt during this ghosting period deepened. I would have given everything for a human touch. This was hard and there was still a long time before this would be over. Once again I started to consider just being in a coma. The darkness would be much better and the year would have passed just like that. 

But to be alone over a half a year more. Not being able to touch Matteo. No hugs, no kiss. He had always couraged me by touching lightly my hand. Oh, how much I missed that touch, any touch. Maybe Matteo felt the same and that was the reason why he had been avoiding me and had kept his distance. Being a ghost had been hard before but now that I remembered it was even harder. My heart was about to shatter in pieces. 

If it had been possible I would have cried. I could create tears but it wasn't the same as crying your heart out. Everything had been taken away from me. I was just an empty shell pretending to be human. I had all these feelings inside me but couldn't handle them as I wished. If I was angry and wanted to kick a wall, it wasn't possible.  If I was sad and wanted someone to hug me, it couldn't happen. If I was happy and wanted to hug my love, I couldn't do it. How was my life so unfair?

I don't know how long I sobbed there and felt sorry for myself. It wasn't probably that long of a time but I felt it last hours. There wasn't any strength in me to move. So I just decided to stay there until I would disappear. 

"There you are," a familiar friendly voice said, "I have been looking for you."

First I thought that I had just imagined Matteo's voice because I really missed him. But when I lifted my head I saw him. I felt like I could faint in there, I was so happy to see him and all these happy feelings filled me. I stood up quickly.

"Hi, Matteo!", was all I managed to say. All of the other words remained inside.

He really was here. I couldn't believe it. I really wanted to hug him, kiss him or just touch his hand. In my excitement, my hand even went through his hand. But it made me more unhappy than happy. There he was so close and yet still so far from what I wanted.

"Would you follow me? I have something to show you," he said.

I nodded and he gave me his most beautiful smile. I could have died happy then. All I could think about was that he was mine. All of him was mine and I was his. We were more of a one-person than two and would always, always be together.

When I followed Matteo I couldn't help but jump around. All the happy feelings inside me made me feel that I was flying. Although, I kind of could have flown if I wanted or at least float in the air. But it wasn't the same thing so I let it be. 

I couldn't help wondering what Matteo wanted to show me. Part of me wished that he had some footage or pictures of our kisses or other romantic stuff which he had collected to help me remember that we weren't just friends. I really wanted to tell him that I remembered everything to see his face. He would be happy about it, wouldn't he?

All my happy thought of this being some kind of date died when we entered the medical level. There wasn't much romance in hospitals. Matteo stopped in front of one of the rooms. I stopped too very close to him. It seemed to bother him and he took a step further. It hurt a lot. But I wanted to though that he only did it because it was painful to be too close to me since he didn't yet know that I remembered.

Now that I was pretty sure Matteo hadn't brought me here for secret dates. I wondered what else could it be. Why would he bring me to the medical level? I looked at the door behind him. There wasn't any sign just three numbers: 435. Was it a patients room?

First I was scared that mom had gotten worse and Matteo had brought me to see her. But I calmed quickly. It wasn't probably like that since Matteo had a smile on his face. He would probably have a more serious face if something had happened to my mom, wouldn't he?

A doctor came to us and Matteo greeted him. Then it hit me. Could it be that my body was in this room? Matteo had found it and now that the doctor was here to keep eye on me I would be able to see myself. Suddenly I felt like throwing up. The idea of seeing my body gave me shivers. Could I handle this?

I looked at Matteo. He turned from the doctor to me and smiled. Then I knew I could handle this if he was with me. And he might touch my hand I might feel it because we had just a deep connection. Now I started to be a little bit excited about going to the room. Matteo could give the kiss to my body after I told him that I remembered everything between us.

"This is doctor Klaus," Matteo introduced the doctor.

I gave him a nod, not really caring who he was. I just wanted to go to the room and tell everything I remembered to Matteo.

"Nice to meet you," Klaus said.

How long were we going to chit chat here, I wondered. The urge to tell Matteo grew inside me and I felt like bursting. But I really didn't want Klaus to be there ruining my moment.

"Klaus is psychiatric," Matteo explained, "And because of that has been happened lately for you, it was thought that it was probably better for you to see Klaus regularly. You might remember him when you woke up."

For a while, all I could do was blinking. It was hard to understand what Matteo was saying. Slowly it hit me that in the room wasn't my body and that Matteo hadn't been looking for me to hang out with me, he had just been on a mission for others to bring me here. They seemed to like to use him so that I did as they wished.  Anger grew inside me.

"It is even scheduled that you would have the first session now," Matteo continued after a while when I didn't answer.

"Now?" I asked, "But I wanted to talk with you about something that..."

Matteo lifted his hand and I stopped talking. Although I wanted to tell him, this didn't feel to be the right moment.

"We can talk later, OK?" Matteo said and smiled, "I'm quite busy for the rest of the day and I think it is really important for your health that you talk with Klaus."

So he was busy and we would talk later. For some reason, it was hard for me to believe it considering how hard it was for me to contact him. And whenever I saw him he always seemed to run an errand that just happened to consider me.

First I thought I should make him promise to see me later but didn't feel like pressuring him. So all I was able to do was give him a nod.

"Great," Matteo said and turned to Klaus, "You will continue it from here."

I stopped listening and eventually, Matteo said goodbye and Klaus opened the door for his room. This wasn't at all what I wanted. The world seemed to be even crueller to me than normal. But  I didn't want  cause Matteo any trouble so I was a nice girl and went to Klaus's office.