Just a ghost girl

The shrink

I could hardly remember Klaus. He might have been one of the doctors asking me questions on the first day I had woken up, or he might have not. I had been very confused on that day so it was hard for me to remember everyone I had med and I was also very bad at remembering people's faces anyway. And what was most important I didn't really care to remember.

Klaus was quite nice and friendly and I might have liked him if I had met him any other day before. Only yesterday I would have welcomed a human being that wanted to talk with me, listen to me. But now I was only pissed off and sad about the fact that I couldn't be with Matteo. I wanted to tell him that I remembered and even though we couldn't kiss or anything I would like us to be as close as possible.

The session had started with normal questions of how was I, what made me happy and what made me sad and so on. I gave him short answers. Although I felt like not answering, I had a bad feeling I would have to come to see him every day if I didn't give him something. Once a week would be enough time. Talking to a shrink would be more to pass time than helpful. I would still be lonely even though I could tell it to someone. Shrinks weren't friends they were professional help. And all I needed was a friend.

"In your file is mentioned that you suffer from amnesia mostly including the year before the accident," Klaus said. "Have you been able to remember anything?"

The question came out of the blue and was very different from the basic questions so far. Klaus seemed as relaxed and happy going as before but something in my guts said that this was a question he had wanted to ask all along. I decided to concentrate more on our conversation although I just wanted to see Matteo!

"Not really," I lied. 

I didn't want to tell him that I had remembered Matteo's and my relationship. It was important to me to tell Matteo first. And since it was someone from higher that had wanted me to go to see a shrink I couldn't trust that Klaus kept everything that was said as secret. If I was still under suspicion of helping rebels, these shrink meetings were probably their way of trying to figure that out. But I really didn't have anything to do with the rebels, as far as I could remember.

 "What do you mean?" he asked.

Maybe I should really start to consider my answers. A simple no wouldn't have caused any further questions.

"Well..." I started still gathering thought what to say, "Sometimes I can remember emotions that I have felt."

"Could you give an example?"

This was never going to end, wasn't it? I really needed to give him something.

"Well... It's not like the whole year is just gone in my life. I can remember short parts here and there. For example, I can remember that there was a funeral but I just don't remember who died. I have just assumed that it wasn't anyone important."

For a moment when I said it out loud, I felt like something was stuck in my throat and then there was a flash of memory of me crying on my knees next to a coffin. It was a very short flash, but I seemed to be devastated. Who had died? Someone close, that I  just couldn't remember? What was wrong with me? I tried to shake the picture of me crying away and concentrate on what I was trying to say.

"But then when the rebels were here I could remember feeling very devastated at some point. So it made me wondered if the person who had died was someone closer to me. Maybe a close relative."

Klaus looked at me for a moment like waiting for me to continue. But when I didn't he asked:

"Have you managed to remember whose funeral it was?"

I hadn't. Maybe I should have. First I was thought that it wasn't anyone important to me and hadn't wanted to ask my parents or Matteo about it. It would have been possible that it was my mom's cousin that had died or Matteo's ant. Neither of them would have been important t me but of course, I would have been sad that person close to me was sad. So I hadn't asked so I wouldn't unnecessarily bring any bad memories back to my loved ones.

After the pain, I had experienced with the rebels, I had tried to forget everything about it. Until now I had thought it had been physical pain but now that I thought about it maybe it had been the sorrow and pain of losing someone close to me. So maybe the devastating feeling had been emotional memory from the funeral I had attended. 

Maybe seeing a shrink was a good thing. It really made you think about things from a different perspective. Now I was very curious to know who had died but then I had another problem. Who could I ask? I looked at Klaus. Well, it wasn't a bad idea. He probably had a file where was everything about me.

"No, I haven't," I said and then asked before he would manage to ask a new question. "You don't happen to have the answer?"

Klaus seemed first to be a little bit surprised that I asked something but he covered it very fast. Wasn't it natural to ask these kinds of questions when you suffered from amnesia?

"Why do you think I would have the answer?"

I managed somehow not to roll my eyes, although inside I was doing it. Typical shrink talk. Never giving any answers but wanting the patient to resolve everything. Sometimes it would have been nice to just get the answers especially when you suffered from amnesia.

"Don't you have some sort of memo of me and my life?"

He was quick to reply:

"Unfortunately no, since you haven't previously been my patient. All I have is your medical history that is in the database."

Silence fell between us. He didn't seem like he was lying but I just couldn't trust him. I wasn't a rebel that thought that the Base would try to control our every movement but I wasn't born yesterday either. I knew that we were surveilled every day. And if you had time to read all the small prints in contracts and new apps on your tablets all of them told us that we were under a watch. 

And there had to be a file of me running away. There should be interviews of people close to me telling their assumptions why I had run away. My parents and Matteo had definitely been questioned and one of them had to mention the funerals. If I really had been so devastated the funerals might have considered a reason why I had tried to run away.

Again everything rounded up to the runaway. If I could just remember why I had run away many other things would have made sense also. There had to be a way to remember. Once again I looked at Klaus. A moment ago he hadn't been any help but maybe just maybe this time. So I asked:

"Do you think hypnosis would work for a hologram, like me?"