Just a ghost girl

Memories

It was two days later after the family dinner, that I woke up. I didn't feel rested at all. The headache was gone but I felt very off. It was like someone had drugged me. If I had ever drunk alcohol this might have been how hangover felt. It made me almost swear I would never drink a drop. But since I couldn't be sure if it was hangover like or not I didn't. 

There were some memories of a red dream and doctors but I couldn't quite get my head together. It was odd I had never had a dream as a hologram before. My head was very foggy. I could remember a syringe and someone mentioning a d**g. Had I really been drugged and that's why my head was so dizzy? It was really hard trying to gather my thoughts. 

Maybe it was better trying to think about something else than the possible odd dream I had. Although the other thoughts weren't that much better. I hadn't been able to contact Matteo no matter what I had tried. And I had found out that my mother had dementia. She didn't seem to be doing well. I wondered how long she had been this bad. 

I looked at the tablet on my desk. It would have been nice to able to research: what exactly was dementia. I knew it was normally old people disease where they lost memories. But how my mom had reacted it seemed that there was more to it than just forgetting where you had put your glasses. It really was very annoying. How was I supposed to handle this situation if I couldn't get any information about it?

Of course, I could go visit my father and ask from him. But after the last surprise visit, I didn't feel like it. I knew I would have to go back there rather sooner than later but right now I needed time of my own to get my feelings back to order. There was so much going on that I felt like exploding. These were those times when you really needed a friend and some comfort. Yet it seemed impossible for me to get Matteo's attention. I didn't even have his phone number.

Something had to happen between us before my accident or during the accident. Otherwise none of this made sense. We had always been so close so he avoiding me this much seemed very odd. What had happened? This stupid amnesia of mine should just fade away it was really annoying. Why couldn't I remember?

Not to remember, huh. I wondered if this was how my mother felt. Always insecure about how things were and how was your relationship with the person in front of you. It must be very scary not remembering things and forgetting more and more each day. I was at least lucky enough not to lose more memories. Maybe there was a silver lining in this amnesia of mine. I might be able to relate to my mother's situation a little bit better. 

Although I would really like to remember what was going on between me and Matteo. If there had been an argument would be thought we would get over it. It's not like one heated argument or fight could end a life long friendship? So maybe I could assume that Matteo wasn't angry at me. But what other feelings could he have? Was he disappointed because I had tried to run away?  Or had all of this happened before I tried to run away?

If I could just remember at least something that would be helpful. Some reason I had tried to run away so that everything would make sense. Could he be sad that I was a hologram? Maybe seeing me like this made him feel bad. But why avoid me so much. We could still talk like always. I really missed our talks. 

Angry, disappointed, sad. What else could he be feeling that made him avoid me this much? I would have really needed a dictionary for adjectives to continue this listing. Of course, I could list a lot of positive adjectives like happy, amused, excited, and so on. But it's not like he was happy about this situation. It should be some sort of negative thing, shouldn't it?

Or maybe not. My parents loved me and they were unhappy about the situation. Well, at least father was and mom would be if she could remember what was happening. Matteo probably cared so much about me that it made him go through all sorts of feelings and it might just be easier not to be around me. We were such close friends. He was like a brother to me so of course, he didn't just care for me, he loved me...

I had planned to end the sentence loved me like a sister but just then I could remember something. Pictures flashed in my mind causing me a headache. There was me and first I thought of some blond guy but then the picture cleared to be Matteo. It was night, full moon in the sky. I remembered that evening it was a little bit less than a year ago when I had turned 15 and Matteo 17. He had asked me to meet him in the small fountain that was located on the outdoor floor. There was also a big one which why the small one wasn't as popular.

He had said he had wanted to talk with me and I had thought he had some kind of surprise present for me. I really liked to have and give present so I had taken my gift with me thinking that we would exchange gifts there. But when I had got there Matteo hadn't seemed to be himself. He was very nervous and acting clumsy. 

I had tried to keep a smile on my face while wondering what was going on. The gift I had brought was hidden under my jacket and I didn't want to give it to him while he was acting so weird. And because we were close I got tired of seeing him so off that I just said:

"What's going on? Why are you acting so weird?"

It made him stop for a moment before he sighed. He took my hands showed me to sit on the edge of the fountain. He sat next to me taking both of my hands on his and said:

"You asked yesterday if I have any special lady I have feelings for, do you remember?" he asked.

So it was about a girl, I should have known. Well, he was a couple of years older than I so it was just natural for him to find someone else before. He was probably worried about how his new relationship would affect our friendship. Maybe he was worried that I didn't like the girl. During that moment I had thought of a couple of girls I couldn't stand but currently couldn't remember who they were.

"Yes. You said that you have one but you hadn't told her of your feelings. And you even refused to tell me who she is!" I said accusing but trying to sound that I was only joking.

He looked away from me and sighed heavily.

"Sometimes you are really stubborn you know?" he said.

I bent my head a little. Wasn't he going to tell me or did he wait for me to guess? He had never talked of any other girls with me. I didn't even know what was his type. During that time I could remember stuff that eventually made me think that his type was blonde, tall girls with glasses. So technically a female version of him tall, beautiful and smart the whole packet.

Then suddenly when I was in my thoughts he suddenly leaned over me and kissed me. I was taken by surprise by his act. It wasn't a deep passionate kiss he just pressed his soft lips on mine. It hadn't been a very long kiss either but when it was happening it had felt lasting forever. When he leaned away I was breathless. I had forgotten to breathe. He put his hand on my cheek and said:

"There has never been any other girl in my thoughts than you."

Shivers had gone through my body on that night and the same shivers were all over my body right now. I had remembered something that had happened less than a year ago and it was a huge thing. Matteo had kissed me and confessed his love for me. 

I hadn't even noticed the headache I had had. It wasn't as bad as it had gotten learning my mom had dementia. But it still did hurt. I tried to ignore it and gather my thoughts. What did this mean? What had happened next? I cursed the fussy head of mine. What had been my feelings and more importantly what did I felt now?