pain and finding myself

throughout my life I've always felt myself to be a pretty attractive woman remember but always wondered what was wrong with me why I couldn't find somebody just to love me for me I've had boyfriends I've been in love with but never really took it to the next level because we were just out here not really I guess too serious with each other but knew we loved each other but never took it to a different level so I started really getting into women head getting on my own getting my own places working being independent and finally got a taste of what I thought was love had my first child at 25 and I was so in love with this guy and this guy just tore me up and so many different pieces I thought I would never recover from the mental abuse to physical abuse I just thought I wasn't worth anything I finally get away from him I get my life together and I'm doing the mom thing I have a beautiful son 6 lb 2 oz and he was my world and he still is so handsome he just made me so proud and I looked at him I was just like wow and then as I'm starting to get back into the groove of things and getting my self-esteem back and realizing what I'm worth and loving myself I say okay you have a son you can't be out here just dating random people if it's not serious don't go for it met a military guy he was in the military for 14 years I said okay stable guy has this life together didn't didn't really know what he was hiding or I guess I said I didn't want to see I was just so infatuated and the fact that somebody would a career in African men African American men at that was interested in me he wasn't a drug dealer he didn't have any felonies he was a career man and he wanted me and I was just so submitting with that and with the idea of being in love and actually f*****g actually having another baby and planning it and have what every decent woman wants house husband a car family vacations decent bank account I can get my GED I can get a career we can build and oh my God I just thought it'd be so awesome and come to find out he was more manipulative than a drug dealer had more lies too put all my eggs in one basket with him trusted him when I looked at him I loved him he was my family to only be used by him and disrespected and disregarded and played with it really hurt when he asked me to marry him I was so excited oh my God a man actually proposed to me he a man wants to marry me just overjoyed I just couldn't wait and right when that ring out of my finger my whole life fell apart his lie start to unravel truth starts to reveal itself I never knew that I would rather be hit than to endure the mental abuse I did with him for somebody to make you seem like you're crazy you're losing your mind what you're seeing is not real and the manipulation you go from having money and being comfortable to getting what you want your kids are comfortable your bills are paid too not able to sleep living in your car and you're awake smoking mess because you don't want to go to sleep because you're literally scared and your whole life is just deteriorating and the whole time you're seeing us and you have a man that's supposed to love you and all this comfortability that he gave you in the beginning when you had your and then when you had your own you gave up your own and trusted him he just slowly just unravels your life you get so depressed you don't see your family you don't do anything you just can't you don't have the energy she cheats on you and lies about it plots to leave you with nothing why he slowly just doesn't care about his life and make sure that as long as he's doing bad that you're right there by side until he finds something better you have a son with him he loves his kid of course but he doesn't want to get a job he wants to panhandle and you start to resent the baby as a woman you go to postpartum you don't want to be by the baby it's just it's bad and and he makes sure he keeps you isolated to where you have nobody in the whole time you're going through this the people close to you are just dying and then he takes you he moves you far away from your family the only person you're close that you live by is your father he passes away and you're going through so much you can't even grieve and then the three people that have your back that always was there die and then when everybody your safety nets gone and you have nothing and you feel so alone and helpless and fat is getting so much weight you're depressed you're wondering why and what's wrong with you and then your son finds out you'll find out your son has autism he's non-verbal he can't speak he's the bathroom on his own and stress itself and then you have this man telling you he'll never leave you for dead and one day he just walks out on you and leaves you with no money knowing section 8 in his name and leaves you in that apartment it tells you you have less than 6 months to get out and you have two kids and no money and your kids see this and it starts to affect them so now you're dealing with the tea a teenage boy who sees all this pain and he starts acting up and he's trying to figure out why a man he's called Dad since he was three once and nothing to do with him his real dad gets out of prison and not really a dad to him and he has nobody and I'm no good to him because I'm such an emotional wreck because I'm trying to feed them clothe them and make sure they have a roof over their head and I'm not able to attend properly to them emotionally because I can't even attempt to myself emotionally and you're trying to grow stronger and he's look at all the way she gained everything is lost and nothing's come together always struggling can't work because you can't find a job that it matched the hours you need to make sure you get your kids from school to and from school you have no education you have nothing and the whole time you're struggling your husband is living with another person working every day getting his life back together while he totally destroys yours and you're totally destroyed as a person everyday you get stronger but you're still weak and all you want is that one break that would allow you to accomplish everything you need to to be the best mom and go back into the woman that you were so you think you're strong enough you start dating and you realize that you keep falling for the same man but this time this man is just as bad he's a drunk he puts you down cusses at you in front of your kids he has no respect for you and you know this and you know he's not a good person but you want to be loved so bad that you just keep talking to this man and as you know you look back 3 years has passed and you're still with this abusive man and you just can't leave him because you don't feel like you're good enough and who else will want you your fat now and you got half your mouth done you just don't feel good about yourself at all and no matter how much you try to fix yourself in the outside your inside is so screwed up you can be literally a model in the outside and still feel like the most ugliest person ever because of all the pain and then you're going through with your teenage son he's going to his emotional things and he starting to act up in school and all you do is pray to God everyday he's safe and you don't get a call saying he's dead or he's with the wrong people you just want him to graduate and be the best man ever you have so much plans from you want him to succeed in life and go to college and just basically do all the things that you couldn't do you want him to do those things and you want to motivate him to do it but how can you motivate him to do something that he sees you think is so hopeless to accomplish yourself how do you make him feel like he can accomplish anything when you constantly and this a battle of trying to find out where you are in life how can you give him any kind of direction and you don't have time to figure it out because you have a kid that a younger kid that needs a lot of attention because he can't do anything for himself so you start to feel trapped you can't breathe you start to depend on drugs and then your anxiety it gets so bad so point where you can't even go outside because you feel so disgusted like you can't even walk to the store without having panic attacks and once again you're alone no one is there for you and you're alone and you cry so much crying and you just want just to die and you just feel so hollowed out and you just want to grab one to anything and gravitate to anything that's going to make you feel wanted appreciated and loved so you get what people who you think care about you friends that you thought your friends and they use you and abuse you and you're back at square one with nobody and these people are never around and they only call you when they need you but when you need somebody no one it's like a ghost town and the only one that you really do have is your mom and she's so far you don't see her hardly maybe once every two years and she's getting old and you know like people don't live forever and you worry about losing her and you wonder what your life would be without her and that scares you and you wonder when your son becomes a man is he going to want him deal with you worried about him leaving you and you have your youngest one that can't even tell you Mom I love you and all you want to do is be comfortable you don't want to be rich you just want to be comfortable to wear if you want to go to the store and go there's so many times I have to go to the store to steal food and pull ups and I go to bed hungry and my kids eat and I just want to curl up in a ball and die