PSYCHODRAMA

I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP WITH MY OWN EXISTENCE I WAS GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE ON LIFE AND I'VE DECIDED NOT TO TAKE IT I THOUGHT I COULD CHANGE AND BY CHANGING MY SELF AND THE WORLD AROUND ME BUT CHANGE IS A WHOLE LOT THIS LIFE IS UGLY AND CROSS PEOPLE LIE AND PEOPLE LEAVE BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN SOMEONE COMES ALONG AND WILL MAKE YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AND IF YOU FIND THAT PERSON DON'T LET GO AND MAYBE TOGETHER YOU CAN KEEP THE MONSTERS AWAY I WAS NEVER THAT LUCKY SO I'M MENDING THINGS ON MY OWN TERMS I think it's time to confront the situation in front of us and I think it's time to work it out and forget the fuss If it's me I'll have to understand I'll be out of your way no drama involved But if it's me, if you feel I'm the one You're gonna need to make a way for me to see it..... But as for me you're the one and in my heart our time will come Dr Jude interrupted saying" its thursday sixth day of may 2021, where do we start from? ". He kept a recorder on the black table next to where he was sitted as he kept writing in the notepad on his lap. When he said all those words and interrupted my mind from thinking deep about why I am sitted with a psychologist right now instead of pursuing my dreams or in my couch watching a movie or something or doing the thing I know how to do best sleeping my life out. "Hey Miss Yasmin is your mind present ? " He said with a nice smile on his face, I went on and nodded my head "Then let's proceed with our first session , I want you to tell me about you apart from what I see in your profile here in this file " he said holding a file that I know contains my profile and little details about why I'm here and how I got here in the first place. It's taking me more than a minute to talk because I am still trying to organize my words "uhmm look I don't know what to say, what you want me to say or say what I want to say that's in my head and I don't know where to start but I'll just start from my first psychodrama and I'm about to present to you my future I don't care about my past". I said all this without thinking I just said it all and more was about to come out when he told me to calm down and just tell him about myself. " My person is a confuse person but I'm Yasmin Cole Stones and I am twenty three" Jude went on to ask" Tell me about where you're from and your family just everything about your background please he said that looking straight towards me till my eyes met his and those eyes kept telling me I could trust him, I looked away and concentrated my eyes outside the large widow of his office. " I was born on the fourteenth day of the second month in the year 1998 I'm the last child of my parents, I have three older siblings Jessie ,Issa and Giveon. My mothers name is Jane...uhmm Jane Stones and My father his name is Simon Stones abd they're both African Americans. I grew up here in Pittsburgh before moving to the big city of new york for college". " Ok that's interesting " he said that as he pick up that same file on the table beside him opened it and reading it very detailed. " I have read this before you know I just want to make sure I don't ask you the wrong questions", he said with a nice smile which made him look like a cute baby, wondering how old he coukd be he looks young though. " It says here that you were accepted into oxford but you rejected after the wait listed you, uhmm I'm just wondering why you will do that it's a very big opportunity you know" he said that looking to hear my what I was going to say and I replied him immediately . " I don't think it's part of the reasons why I'm sitted in your office and I don't want to talk about it" I didn't want to have eye contact with him because I was avoiding saying too much and what I didn't plan on saying and I was hoping that was all he was going to ask and maybe this was the end of the session today because I was already tired of sitting here talking to a total stranger about my life. " I want you to tell me about your parents death and how it affected you because I think that's one of the reasons we are here, it seems you've been distant since they died that's what your siblings said" he keep talking and I just wish I could unhear what he just said parents and death in the same sentence like it's nothing serious and who told him I'll want to talk about this with him. I kept quiet because I could not talk or rather l had nothing to say because I don't want to talk about it, I sat there in silence looking out the window and waited for a long time before he spoke though he keep starring at me. "Uhm uhmmm" he cleared his throat before talking. " Seems you don't want to talk about it so no futher questions but just know that I'm trying to help you get over what ever you're going through now and you can trust me but it's fine if you're not ready to talk maybe I went to far but I'm sure you'll open up soon, with that guess that's all for today I'll see you on Saturday then" he closed his notepad and dropped it on the side table as he stood up and adjusted his suit and walk to the other end of the room where his desk was , he picked up a small black card with gold printed writings on and walked back to me and handed it to me. " You can call me or send me a message anytime you want to talk" he said and took a step backwards and I stood up from the sit and collected the card and put it into the back pocket of my jeans then I felt a soft touch on my shoulders and I looked at him with a scared face. " You can trust me Yasmin, I'm here for you anytime" he said and rubbed my shoulder down to my arms before he took his hands off me and walk towards the door and I followed him slowly behind and I left without looking back at him and answering him when he told me goodbye. I walked past him at the door which he left open for me as I made my way out I meet my older brother jessie who was sitted with his legs cross holding a magazine waiting patiently outside the office, when I got towards where he was I stood up adjusted his suit and asked me how my first session went knowly I was not going to reply him I looked at him surprised he actually had time for me today because I know him to be a busy man. I'm actually standing in front of Jessie wondering why he is here and why he is taking this whole therapy thing so serious, well I hope he doesn't think after the first time I'll be okay just like that like it's some magic. I walked past him and went outside I kept walking till I got to the parking space and I met the driver waiting in the car, I went to the drivers window and knocked it he immediately opened the door for me to get into the car I sat at the passengers sit behind waiting for jessie to come. When he finally came and got into the car I knew Dr Jude had told him everything I said and how it's going to take time for me to open up. Inside the car we had a silent drive back to the house, in my head were a lot of things going on like stupid thoughts of us having an accident and me being the victim of death. With all the things I have told no one about all in my head ready to explode, most times I just want to scream out to the world and get everything out of my head but I can't. Now I'm seen as the insane one since I came out of the mental heath care two weeks ago, I'm being forced to talk to a therapist to help me speak out about what's truly going on with me and what made me suddenly silent for this long I trust no one to talk to about what ever it is that's doing on with me. Sometimes I want to think I'm actually mad as everybody thinks I am, I feel the way I enter that mental health care was the way I came out nothing changed and nothing will till I speak up to someone about what's truly going on with me and I don't even know if I did what the said I did, but why can't I remember or I just don't want to. I kept thinking and talking to myself that I didn't notice we had gotten home. Well my three siblings and I all live together in our parents house which is a very large mansion, all I can say is my parents died billionaires and now I guess we all are or just Jessie. We have numerous family business going on like clothing and makeup collections, bakeries around the city and a very big restaurant down town all named Cole stone. I have been to all but I mostly go to the restaurant to watch the chefs cook even though I don't talk to them I just watch them and learn because I actually enjoy cooking. I'll like to own my restaurant some day because I won't like to live under my parents privilege. I got out of the car went straight into the large building in front of me, all the workers in the house who saw me enter greeted me but I didn't respond I walked as fast as my feets could carry me and went down the hall to the kitchen I took a bottle of water from the fridge and an apple then walked back to the hall way then went upstairs to my room I locked the door right behind me. I knew Issa was going to come over to ask how it went and Giveon I don't know if he's around, I drank my bottle of water and laid down on my bed I brought out my phone to call Tasha but I actually had nothing to say to her but I wanted to talk. Tasha is my close friend I've known her through out my life and I feel she should be the one I'm talking to about what's going on but lately we've been distant and maybe it's because she finally has a guy in her life that makes her happy and she's concentrating on him or because she's been calling me for the past six months now no answer from me. I badly want to talk to her at the same time I don't I feel she's part of the people who brought me to this and made me the way I am now. Phone rings.... "Hey Yas oh my God I've been calling but you don't pick I just wanted to know how you're I went to the mental health care and the told me I couldn't see you only if I was family" Tasha kept talking she went on and on but I cut her short.... " I'm not okay" I said with a low sad voice " I know and I want to see you, yoy know you left school without saying goodbye next thing I hear your at a mental health care like girl I didn't want to believe it" I know she wasn't going ti stop talking " I was depress I'm still depress everyone thinks I'm insane I know you think so, I know you heard what happened but I did it because he hurt me so bad"I started crying remembering what I did and what made me do it. " Yas what are you saying, who hurt you? I don't get it ". I ended the call before she could say any other thing and I didn't want to tell her everything, I knew she was going to call so I turned my phone off and wiped my tears that's when I heard a knock on the door. " Hi you Yasmin it's Issa just checking up on you, how did your first session go? ". She knew I was not going to answer so kept quite before saying another word. "You know we're just try to help... Uhmm I guess you're asleep " she said and walked away. I know she'll come back again later to ask me to come down for dinner knowing I won't go down. I closed my eyes to sleep and now I'm deep in thoughts what Tasha might be thinking of. Deep in my thoughts I hear his voice that deep cracky voice begging me. "Honestly I can't blame you for any of that cause so far I've treated you in the worse way ever and quite frankly I wouldn't like anyone doing the same to me.... Uhmmm I'm very sorry for hurting you in any way and I'm sorry for everything that happened, truly there's a lot I'll like to say to you right now but I don't know where to start from it's your right to be angry with me, cause you really didn't deserve to be treated thus badly and I feel extremely guilty, to be honest I've never acted this way with anyone and I don't know why I acted the way I did and all. I'm sorry for ever bothering you in the first place and messing with your feelings, if I did in anyway. It's annoying, I know and I don't expect you to just be cool all so soon but I just want you to know that I'm very deeply sorry for everything. I never wanted it to go this way, you always seemed happy when we were together and I couldn't bring myself to the point of ending that happiness. I thought if I distanced myself maybe it will die off but it seemed like nothing changed. Yes, I intentionally didn't reply your messages or pick your calls earlier and intentionally acted off just in an attempt for you to loose interest but I never planned on hurting your feelings". He went on saying things and things and lies on lies, I felt tears roll down my face as my eyes were closed but I was so deep thinking of all he told me that day knowing recalling all his words was breaking me slowly. "Yas you seemed happy and I liked that what was I meant to say I'm putting myself in your shoes now and I know it hurts. I'm sorry I just did what I felt was the best option, I liked being around you but the intimacy wasn't just there for me sorry you had to find out this way from your friends and not me I couldn't tell you myself because you we're happy honestly that would have been the last thing I would do. See I liked everything but I wasn't just down for the love part, please just allow me apologize for everything cause eventually karma will catch up with me, I know but at least let me make things right with you. I know your upset now but just know I never meant to hurt you". He kept talking I was getting tired of all the sorrys and him begging me and saying I never meant to hurt you but you did asshole and stop apologize just stop saying sorry it's messing with my head all the sorrys that you don't even mean I started screaming out loud not knowing I was actually screaming in reality when I got out of my thoughts I started crying so bad because I just realized that his words made me do what I didn't want to do, he kept saying sorry I was screaming and crying. Next thing Issa was knocking hard at my door asking me to open up the door all I said was" he made me hurt him I didn't mean to do that I'm not a bad person" I started laughing out loud I stood up scattering my room throwing things around. "I just want to be left alone Issa" I said softly then felt to the floor laughing again I started crying again, Issa was outside the room trying to open up the door but she couldn't she kept shouting "calm down I'm coming in don't hurt yourself" she said with her voice getting low and cracking now I know she was crying and that's what I don't want to hurt my family with my problems. I closed my eyes slowly while I laid down on the cold floor of my room I began to collect my thoughts together and think of the reason I'm crying, everything now made sense to me thinking I was losing it but I'm here talking to myself telling my person the truth. My mind went on saying " Life seems problematical Because we make it so We're all listening to someone else Without listening to ourselves We cover our lifes with insignificant things that do not matter I want to be what I want to be with no shame and hast I've cared about what people think of me for too long Do I believe in trust? I'm human My life feels in between this days and it limits me I can say I am where you call rock bottom But still feel higher How did I get myself into this mess I question Looks like my demons are awaken Now I'm drowning It's like I'm falling into a pit of endless darkness I'm tired Broken inside for something I don't know But it's messing with my mind, f***s with my guards I keep talking in silence like what is the use of words when one can't hear When I found you I thought I found infinty But you f****d with me, now run for your life I'll be crazy with you I will make you cry It is crazy how we all think we are good people forgetting the demons we got inside. I could be at my worst and nobody notices it My personality confuses people I read the energy around me and adjust". It's crazy how I keep collecting thoughts and words but really can't say it out. For the next two weeks I spent in my room writing, Listening to soul music and getting my peace of mind back. I knew everyone was worried but I didn't care all I care this time was my mental health and I just wanted to be left alone.I finally stood up from my bed for the day looking down to the floor of my room it was such a mess all the left over pizzers and empty soda cans litter everywhere with my clothes everywhere, I got down from my bed went to look for the black card Dr Jude gave me at his office now I'm actually making more mess of my room looking for this card and I actually had nothing to say to him if I call but I just wanted to let him know I was going to miss the next session without apologising for missing my last two sessions. Found the small black card in next to the laundry basket close to my black riped jeans don't know how it got there but I've found it, I picked it up went back to my bed picked my phone up to dail the number written in golden ink on the black card I hesitated before I spoke when Dr Jude answered and said "Hello this is Dr Jude Dominic, how can help you? ". I still kept quiet because this actually felt stupid me calling someone I never want to talk to at all. "Hey...Hi who's on the phone?" I then spoke up..."Uhmm it's Yasmin, Yasmin stones your... " Yeah Yasmin I remember " before I could say your patient he already interrupted so there was no need of introduction. " I called to let you know I won't be available for the next session I have with you and ... "It's fine but you've missed two sessions already but I do understand when ever you're ready to talk I'll be right here for you, by the way I'm actually happy you kept my card and you called". It was getting annoying that he keeps interrupting me. I went on to say " Uhmm I actually called because I have a question to ask you but it's okay if you can't answer". Dr Jude said " I'm glad you're getting yourself together, go on with your question I'm here to answer anything you have to ask". " Really never mind it's really nothing don't want to bother you with my stupid questions I'm so sorry to calling" I said and wanted ending the call when he spoke up. " You really need to forgive yourself you know that right and move on". " Why do we take pain killers? Why can't we just bare the pains? " I said so fast and kept quiet. " Well Yasmin Pain is a feeling that is unexplainable. I really need to understand the type of pain you mean"...he asked me " I mean pains that has no physical signs or injuries" I said that as I thought of my late parents.Dr Jude took time before he spoke, I think he knew exactly what I was trying to say to him and all he was trying to do in my first session was for me to open up to him about how I felt after my parents died. “Alright Yasmin pains makes you grow older many, many people are pain barriers while some are pain free some people reach the point when they continue trying to do somethings even though they are in pains though they’re tired. When a person chooses to ignore you know that they’re truly hurt inside, but when the find it hard to move on and I know that’s how you feel right now and that’s the reason you keep avoiding your siblings and everyone”….. He kept quiet for some seconds before he kept talking again “ Uhmm…. You are so pained that you’re finding it hard to move on even though you want to forget everything that has happened, you still can’t. It’s nature I mean it’s part of human, no matter the pain someone or something has cost you there is always this special spot in your heart that will help you remember the persons good or how good that thing was to you it actually brings good old memories, am I right?’’. At this point after I heard what he had to say to answer the questions I asked him, I knew that I still had pain inside aside the peace I began to feel recently, behind the peace there was still pain breaking me apart. Now I know why everyone around think my mental health is bad, and I do not blame them for that. I went on to end the call without saying a word back to Dr Jude, dropped the phone on the bed next to my pillow and went down from the bed to start cleaning up my messy room. The next two days I spent putting all my things in order, getting rid of my old stuffs like my clothes shoes bags that I wasn’t really using and I put them in empty boxes to be given out to charity.