Asmo's Love

South

I FEEL LIKE I'M CHEATING now.

But for some reason, despite having this kind of thought, I still don't feel guilty at all. Maybe the fact that this was all just a tactical part of the plan to achieve my dreams and there's really no personal feelings involved with the flirting and all, gave me a free pass from ever feeling it. But right after I landed my first acting job by promising a date with Margaux next week, I felt an extreme uneasiness with the sudden events that were happening to me now.

It felt like a bad dream.

"Having second thoughts, are you?" Leo's voice put me out of my trance as we sat silently beside each other on the backseat of his Camaro. We were on our way back to the city now and he's going to drop me by the station near my apartment. I had already texted Colin that I was on my way home, declining his call by saying that I'm running out of battery. But honestly, I just can't deal with hearing his voice right now. The fresh feeling of betrayal was still lurking at the back of my brain, reminding me of what I just did back at the party. I don't want to think about our relationship now when I just heedlessly flirted with an older woman an hour ago.

"Don't hesitate on me now, David," I heard Leo adding to his words, sounding insolent.

What am I doing?

"I'm not," I responded back in a soft voice after a beat. "I'll do what Margaux asked me to. I'm not backing down."

"But you're feeling guilty," Leo bluntly implied, staring at me. "I know this is kind of unethical against your ways of life but you've got to accept how this world works now. It's a nasty business out there but you have to face it to survive it if you really want to be up the ladder."

And I do, I so badly want to be there too.

"I get it. I'm not really hesitating. It's just making me feel pressured. I'm practically naive with all these kinds of playing around. But you're right. It's what I got to do. I guess I just have to treat it like my training ground, then," I said after a moment, making Leo frown at me. "If I'm going to enter the world of acting, I might as well start by deceiving Margaux."

Leo smirked and laughed at my words as he looked away to stare at the view of passing buildings on the streets, "I could not believe you anymore. You really keep surprising me. One minute you're antsy and next thing I know, you're this bold and wicked person all of a sudden. It's almost like a split personality. And now that I think about it, I bet you weren't really guilty at all."

I ignored him and turned to look away, avoiding to respond.

"Just as I thought," I heard Leo muttering behind me in a sly note, clicking his tongue, "You're really ruthless, David."

I only bitterly smiled, keeping my back turned on him.

Well, tell me something I never know.

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THE AWKWARD ATMOSPHERE surrounding the air inside the studio kept the straining tension in silence as I stood before my band members, feeling a little unsure to speak up.

I still hadn't talk with Steve about the last time we had argued over my songs. We remained civil to each other and strayed away from the topic in the last three days. Fortunately, it didn't affect the overall performance of the band and we still had maintained a professional air as the scheduled gigs for us went on for the rest of the week. But today, Sam, Wayne, and Eric really looked nervous and wary as they all tried to avoid saying anything that might spark another argument between me and Steve.

"Let's have a break, guys," I said after a few rounds of playing our songs. Immediately, Sam and Eric rushed out of the place, saying something about buying some cigarettes and they took Wayne with them to leave me and Steve behind. I could simply say that it was a deliberate move to let the two of us work out on our problem with each other. Otherwise, this continuing strain between us could certainly lead to a disturbance to the whole dynamics of the band if we don't do something about it soon.

Steve kept impassive and calm from where he was seated on the chair in front of the keyboard and I hesitated for a moment, worried to speak up. But as the minutes went on, I eventually began feeling impatient.

"I'm sorry about the last time, Steve."

Simple. Just like that. It took me three days to say those words and it still felt foreign from me. This kind of conversation always made me feel awkward and embarrassed but as soon as I uttered these words to Steve, he immediately turned and looked at me with obvious interest.

"Cole, man..." he finally replied back, looking a bit shy, "I should be the one saying that. It's actually kind of shitty for me to say things like that about your songs. When in fact, it's what actually made us known now."

I sighed, feeling relieved that we're finally on speaking terms again.

"But..." Steve went on, "I just want to... I really just want to let you kno--"

"Do you have a song?" I softly interrupted, cutting him off. And Steve did a double-take as if he still can't believe the words I just said.

"What?"

"I mean, do you have a song that you like us to play for the band?" I asked with sheer curiosity. Maybe this was what Evangeline was trying to tell me last night. Maybe I just need to give my members a chance to contribute more to this band and not just play the instruments to my own songs.

"You mean an original piece?" Steve probed.

"Yeah," I nodded. Then suddenly, Sam, Eric, and Wayne chose that chance to walk into the studio and paused on their tracks. The three looked at me and Steve with wary glances as they tried to read the mood between us.

"You guys okay?" Steve asked them, and realizing that the tension had been lifted off, the three eased down to smiles and Eric started laughing.

"Finally!" He exclaimed. And I immediately spoke up to get all their attention.

"I have a favor to ask you guys," I told them and the four looked back at me with frowned faces, "I want you to write a song for the band. Every one of you, if you're interested or not it's up to you. You can still not do it. But if you want to do it, I will be glad to hear a whole new perspective. I like to give you this chance to create a song of your own and play it for the band."

Perspective... How I like the sound of it now. Maybe it's really time to change it for good.

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