She was Her Desire

Stacy's mess

Stacy had cried herself to sleep. Maybe she would have forgiven her if she had slept with her with no feelings attached. However, the fact that she had fallen for her, she had developed feelings for her changed everything. She couldn’t stay with someone who was falling for someone else. She may not have been perfect but it mattered to her; she wanted to be the only one for her. She wanted Jess to desire for her and only her. Jess had cuddled her after she fell asleep. She never wanted to lose her, she wanted her to be hers, and she wanted to own her. Jess had been wrong, she only loved Stacy but along the way she had focused on the negative for way too long. She had desired perfect, she had forgotten how miserable she was without Stacy. She had obsessed over Scarlet for some days but that was it. She couldn’t be with no other.

Stacy woke up the next morning, New Year’s Eve. It wasn’t what she had wanted, this was no way to end the year. She turned to face Jess, but she was sound asleep. She slowly put her hand away and went for a run. She needed to clear her mind, she didn’t know what to do. She ran faster as she recalled Jess saying that she wasn’t sure whether she had feelings for Scarlet. She didn’t understand why she was the one to feel this way. After all, she had loved Jess and would never bring herself to cheating on her girlfriend. She passed by Scarlet’s apartment and the two ladies met. Scarlet was walking from the coffee shop while Stacy ran. They locked eyes. Stacy stopped and Scarlet froze.

“Hey Stacy,” Scarlet said.

“Hello Scarlet.” Stacy said. She didn’t even blink throughout their conversation.

“I see you guys came back after all.” Scarlet said, not sure where this conversation was heading to.

“Yeah, Jess didn’t tell you?” Stacy asked sarcastically.

“I haven’t heard from her. Is she okay?” Scarlet continued. She was a little afraid of Stacy. Maybe it was her guilt, falling for someone even after being introduced to her girlfriend.

“Yeah, is that so? That’s maybe because she has a girlfriend who she lives with.” Stacy said. Her voice was a little threatening.

“Uhm…” Scarlet was struggling to talk. She didn’t know how to explain the situation. She wasn’t sure if she was supposed to explain herself or walk away.

“What?” Stacy asked. Scarlet was a little scared of her at this point. She wanted to walk away as fast as she could but she stayed there. A part of her knew that she had been wrong to engage in anything with Jess but she had fallen for it al. It was not like her. She had been in love before but not this much, and not with a girl.

“Stacy, are you okay?” Scarlet asked. She could see the anger in her eyes.

“Yeah, I’m okay but stay away from Jess” Stacy said, almost shouting at Scarlet. She hated to do this but it was the only way she could think of at that point. She still wanted to keep Jess, but she didn’t know how to. She couldn’t find a way to be as secure as she had been. Instead, she would keep thinking about what Jess had done. She felt a rush of anger run through her body. She chose to walk away. She ran back to their place.

On getting home, Stacy found Jess watching TV while taking her coffee. She didn’t know how to act, she couldn’t just pass by her.

“Hey.” Jess said on seeing her girlfriend.

“Hey.” She responded. Then there was silence, dead silence.

“So do you think we can talk?” Jess asked her girlfriend. She wanted to clear things out, she wanted to tell her that she was the only one she loved.

“Is there anything to talk about really?” Stacy asked. From deep down, she knew that she would want to talk, and get back together with her but she was not going to make it easy for her.

“Yes, I think there is a lot to talk about baby. I can’t just throw away all we have.” Jess said, hoping to convince her girlfriend to stay.

“Okay Jess, but what the hell were you thinking?” She yelled at her. Jess could see the hurt in Stacy’s eyes. She hated herself, how could she betray her like that? She thought.

“Come and sit with me.” Jess said, almost begging her.

Stacy sat next to Jess. She had decided to give her a chance to prove herself.

“I messed up big time but I can tell you that I do not want that woman in my life. You are the one I am with.” Jess said.

“It was just a moment of weakness, but I swear it is not like that. I love you and only you.” Jess was saying.

“I want to believe you Jess, I do. But I can’t get how you could fall for someone else. I thought we were at a good place.” Stacy said. She meant every word she said.

“”We were and I am so sorry for thinking about it. I don’t know how to say this but I just can’t be without you.” Jess said. She felt miserable.

Stacy wanted to give in but she couldn’t. She couldn’t let her get away with it that easily. Jess had to prove that she wanted to be with her.

“I want you to tell off Scarlet. I don’t want any communication between you two. You disgust me.” Stacy said before walking into the bathroom. She washed off the sweat but her chest felt heavy. She wanted to cry, she wanted to scream until it didn’t hurt anymore. She felt tears flow from her green eyes. She hated crying in the bathroom but at that moment, she wanted to be in Jess’ arms but she couldn’t. She couldn’t stop imagining Jess holding Scarlet the same way she did her, kissing her and it was all she could see. She felt it in her heart.

Jess prepared breakfast for the two of them while Stacy was in the shower. She knew that she had already ruined what they had. If anyone knew Stacy well, it was her. She knew that she was not going to forgive her for any reason. It was her fault anyway. She had been thinking about perfection for way too long. Sadly, she didn’t know how to make it right. She was not sure if Stacy would forgive her. She didn’t know if it was going to be the same ever again. It was like she was destined to fail, she thought. Every time she had had a good thing going on, she always had a way to mess it up. The only thing she seemed to be cautious with her job, she had loved it.

So many thoughts streamed through her head as she served breakfast for the two of them. She was thinking about her life, all the mistakes she had done and there was a pattern. She would always find something great but then her aspirations to get something better would ruin it all. She could not understand why but she knew how to stop. She wished that one day she would be able to be content, to get rid of the pressure to be the best. It was okay to hurt sometimes but this time she had messed everything good about her life.

“Mmmmh, so you made breakfast.” Stacy said when she came back. She had wanted to spend the day with Jess but there was no way she was going to let her in so easily.

“Yeah, you’re welcome.” Jess said and there was this awkward silence between them

“So, what do I have to do to make you believe me?” She asked. She would do anything within her reach to make things right.

“I don’t know Jess. Maybe you should have thought about that before you fell for someone else” Stacy said, rudely.

“I made a mistake but I never planned on it.” Jess said. She didn’t know what else to say.

“Since this whole thing started you have said that a lot. What about me Jess, what about my pain? You didn’t think about that. You should have told me you know. I feel lied to.” Stacy said.

Jess settled on the dining table, right opposite where scarlet was. There was no way she could start a conversation with her. It seemed to get even worse.

“So where are you heading to?” Jess asked Stacy after taking breakfast. Stacy didn’t know what to answer, she didn’t know where she was going either but she was not staying in the same house as Jess the whole day.

“I don’t know, somewhere with lesser you.” Stacy said before putting on her coat. She left the house and went down the street. She wanted to go to the bar but it was a little too early for that. She decided to go see James, the guy who had made Jess angry. They had been friends for months now but he seemed great. She called him and he was free. James invited her over. There were several other guys in his apartment but he didn’t mind, neither did Stacy. As a matter of fact, she wanted to go out, to go somewhere she would not think about Jess. They played video games, ordered food and talked the whole day. Jess had hoped that she was going to come back. They had to cross over the year together but she didn’t.

Jess had been waiting up for her but her phone was off. Stacy didn’t come home, even after midnight. Jess didn’t know what to do. She called Stacy’s best friend but she hadn’t seen her either. It had gotten her worried. She missed her. Where could she be at, with her phone switched off? Shortly after midnight, Jess decided to go look for her. She went to the club and she wasn’t there. She recalled James but she didn’t know where he lived, neither did she have his number. She was devastated. She only hoped that Stacy was safe.

After making a few strolls, Jess went back to their apartment and laid down on the couch. She was tired and so it didn’t take her long to fall asleep. After all, she had not slept well the previous night after fighting with Stacy. She only hoped that she would come back to her.

Everybody else at James’ had already fallen asleep from all the drinking slightly after midnight. It was a new year. Stacy was a little tipsy but she was not so drunk. James had been there for her the entire day. He had fallen in love with Stacy, even after she told him she was gay. He still hoped that one day she would allow him to be with her.

“So it’s just you and me.” Stacy said to James who was sitting on the couch. He was a little drunk.

“Yeah, seems like it.” James said.

“God, I want to get wasted.” Stacy said.

“No one is stopping you.” James said, handing her a bottle of vodka.

“This is going to mess me up pretty bad but am probably way too broken.” Stacy said, taking the bottle from his hand.

Stacy woke up lying beside James. She was naked, she didn’t know whatever happened after drinking. Her head was heavy. The sight of James’ naked body scared her. What had she done? Wondered. It was clear that maybe both of them may have slept together, she had never liked men. She never was interested in them yet here she was. She reached for her phone and switched it back on. Jess had been calling. Stacy didn’t know what to do, she just stared at her phone.