She was Her Desire

Tragedy

Looking out from the window, Jess was thinking about how life in New York City had been. So far she was content, she had a stable job, and lived far away from her family. Jess grew to love her job at the agency, she was settling in well for the first few weeks despite the indecision she was faced with. She had always been a hardworking employee, something that made her feel secure about her job. Unlike her previous jobs, this one provided her with a chance to grow and work under minimum supervision.

Thoughts about her past were again streaming through her head. She remembered how tough her childhood had been. She had now dealt with her abandonment issues. She remembered how her mother had struggled to put her to school. It hadn’t been easy for her. If anything, she had made it through high school after her father abandoned her and her mother all alone in a small town in Georgia. People had teased her all her life, some even made fun of her as if it wasn’t hard enough for her. However, she had always been determined to succeed. She was dying to get out of the town, to avid the shame and at least get a life for herself. Her mother, a stay-at-home mom had started vending items and taking up casual jobs for them to survive. Jess had preferred staying with her mother alone than when her father was present in their life. He disgusted her.

It all started when her father sold all their property, saying that they were moving to a new town. Her mother had not been able to stop him from selling the family property. After they moved, everything went wrong, Mr. Johnson, Jess’ dad, started heavy drinking and coming home late at night. It was not so bad at first but it progressed. One year down the line, he became a chronic alcoholic. He was unable to pay bills for his family. He could barely provide food or basics let alone support Jess in school. They were subjected to poverty, living in a shack and sleeping hungry for days. That is when Jess’ mother, Mary, had started taking up jobs in sewing companies. She would work four jobs a day in order to provide for Jess and her brother. It hadn’t been easy for her to raise two kids by her own but she had done her best and Jess knew that even when she left Georgia after her high school. She had left for Tennessee where she had taken up jobs as a private tutor and waitress. She had always known she was gay but hadn’t had anyone all her life. She had concentrated on making herself better first.

After a few months, Jess had saved enough for part-time classes in St. James College where she studied English and Literature. She never had the time to socialize or make friends given that she never had time for herself. Two years later she had graduated with a diploma and landed few jobs every few months. When she was about to settle down in Tennessee, she received the worst phone call anyone would ever receive. It was right after Christmas when her mother, the only person she had loved with all her heart, had passed on. She never got to say good bye at all, she never got to help her mom get a good life like she had always wanted to. Instead she lost her when she needed her the most, when she was just getting ready to start living. Jess recalled the dreadful call.

“Hello, am I speaking to Ms. Jess Johnson?” Said the voice on the other line.

“Yes, who is this?” Jess asked.

“This is Georgia Police Department, I am calling you about your mother, Mary Johnson…” Jess froze. This had to be bad.

“What about her? Is she okay?” Jess had interrupted the officer on the line.

“I am so sorry but you have to come home.” The officer had said.

“Wait, don’t hang up. Is my mother okay, damn it?” A part of her was angry but the other knew that something had to be so wrong but she didn’t want to think about it. She stood up and stormed her then boss’ office. She was in the middle of a meeting but Jess didn’t seem to care.

“What is wrong with you Ms. Johnson? Can’t you see I am in the middle of something here?” Her boss had asked furiously. However, she had seen the look on Jess’ face and she had known she was not alright. “Are you okay?” she added.

“Sorry, I had to do this. I have to go back home.” Jess said.

“Is everything okay?” Her boss asked. “You don’t look fine at all.”

Jess walked out of the office and took the bus to her hometown. She only hoped that she would find her mother alive, hanging in there for her. She had loved he mother with all her heart. In the bus she couldn’t help but worry. A part of her knew that she was going to lose her mother but another part felt like she couldn’t let go. She was just getting started with her career. She had wanted to buy her a house and all the nice things she hadn’t had. Three hours later she arrived at her hometown. She quickly rushed to her house but the door was sealed using police tapes. Jess knew that everything was not okay. She didn’t have the strength to walk again. She just sat on the doorstep, wondering what fate her mother had met. She did not want to think about it. Instead, she stood up and started walking towards the police station. Head hanging down, she walked into the station and went to the reception.

“Aah, hello.” She said to the officer at the desk.

“Hello, how may I help you” The officer responded, looking up to her sad face.

“Umh, yes. I am here following a call about my mom, Mrs. Johnson, 14th street?” Jess said. She could feel her lips trembling as her mother’s name came out of her mouth. She didn’t think she would handle it if anything bad happened to her mother. She knew deep down that it had to be the worst.

“Uh, yeah. I talked to you earlier. We are very sorry but you are going tohave to come with us to identify the body.” The officer said.

Jess sat down in the waiting room. People were brought in and out of the station but she barely recognized all the activities in the police station. She could only hear people talking but she didn’t care. She had no one to call, she was all alone. Her brother had been in London pursuing his college degree after a sponsorship by the football team. She didn’t call him often, and their father had been missing from their lives. She had been to the morgue and it had been her mother, who had passed on from undetected cancer. She had not told Jess even though they would talk every day on the phone. She had not mentioned anything about not feeling well. Her body had started decomposing before one of their neighbours tipped the police off. All this made Jess sick, that’s not the way for anyone to die, alone and sick. She felt bad that she hadn’t been there with her mother, she would have taken care of her.

“Is there anyone you want to call, Ms. Johnson?” The officer asked after he noticed that she had been paralyzed by the death of her mother.

“Umh, you can call me Jess. Umh, sorry about all this. I kind of didn’t expect all this. It’s overwhelming. I will try and contact my brother and maybe close family. Thank you officer. It was really kind of you.” Jess said as she dug her hands into her jeans pockets and left the station.

She went to her house and memories of her childhood came back running through her mind. She made herself a cup of coffee and settled on the desk, the desk she had used to read and do all her school work. She remembered all those evenings she sat there, waiting for her mother to come home after work. She had always been her hope. Her mother had always been one person she trusted with all her heart. She had always made sure that she was fed, went to school and she did her best. She may not have given her everything in life but she had done her best.

She dialed her brother’s line which went straight to voicemail. She thought maybe he was practicing or in class or something. She didn’t want to leave the news about her mother’s death on voicemail. She just hang up and went ahead to her mom’s room. It was filled with memories of her. Jess could smell her mom’s perfume from her coats. She was going through some old family photos when she heard someone walk into the house. She was a little scared as it was a little after dark. She, however, walked silently to the living room where she found her father. Dressed in a black suit, he looked at Jess and a tear fell from his left eye.

“I am so sorry Jess.” He managed to say. Jess had not said a word to him. She just looked at him in disgust. He could see the pain behind her sharp eyes.

“You’re sorry for what exactly?” Jess asked bitterly. She could not understand why her father, a man she had always hated, came back to do after all those years.

“For everything baby.” Mr. Johnson said.

“I am a little confused here. Are you sorry that my mom just passed on, are you sorry for abandoning us, or are you sorry for mistreating her?” Jess could feel her eyes getting teary but she was not going to offer him the luxury of seeing her shed tears.

“I am sorry for everything, for all of the bad things that I did to you and your mother. I didn’t know what to do, I was just so lost.” He continued.

“And it took what? My mother’s death to find your way back?” Jess was now trembling with anger. She wasted to say all the things she had to say to her father but she couldn’t. She couldn’t stand his sight, not in the last ten years.

“You know what? You can sleep here tonight. I am going out. Just don’t sell everything.” Jess said as she picked up her bag and left the house. The presence of her father had made it worse because Jess was still angry. She wasn’t sure whether she was going to ever forget about what he had made her go through.

She went to the local night club. It was strange as she was not used to going out. She didn’t know how to talk to people but this particular night, she had to go somewhere. After she booked a motel room, she proceeded to the bar. There was loud music and the lighting was low. She didn’t know a lot of people in her own hometown as she had always stayed indoors. She however could recognize a few faces even in the dim lighting in the club. She walked over to the counter and settled on a high chair.

“What can I get you?” The barman asked, smiling at her. She couldn’t afford to smile back no matter how much she tried.

“Umh, double shot of the strongest drink you have?” Jess said as she got a five dollar note from her back pocket.

“There you go.” The bartender said, handing her a glass of a blue liquid. She had never had anything like this but she didn’t care anyway. She hoped that it would stop hurting but the more drinks she had, the pain seemed to get more intense. She wanted it all to stop but nothing could stop her mother’s memories from crawling back into her head. She could almost hear all the arguments her parents had had in the past, before their father left them. She felt like her heart was bleeding from the inside. By midnight, she could barely see anything when she left the cub to her room. She found her way to the elevator where she was supposed to go to the third floor where her room was. She hoped she would get there before passing out from all the drinks she had had. The elevator door opened and she staggered in and went to her room. She lay in bed and the pain was too much. Why did her mom have to die, the moment she was about to get back at her feet and ease her momma’s struggle? She would have wanted her to spend more days alive but she chose to give up. At some point, Jess was angry at her mother, why did she suffer in silence? She could have mentioned something, and maybe she could have saved her. At least the doctor’s would have saved her but she had chosen death. There was nothing Jess could do at that point. She had to accept that she had lost her, that she would never see her again. She fell asleep having accepted the loss of her mother even as drunk as she was. Even as painful as it was, she chose acceptance over denial. She chose to celebrate her mother instead of mourning her.