Heart of Steel

Recollections

"I had been working here for a few weeks when your mom..." he said, grimacing and screwing up his eyes.

"Passed." I supplied solemnly.

"Right." He said, glancing at me uncomfortably.

"And just a couple of months after that, I peeked into your room to make sure you were there, because I was doing a perimeter check and James had told me you were a stickler for leaving when you were supposed to be home. You were sitting right over there," he said as he jerked his head towards my white iron vanity and matching stool.

"and you were hugging a picture of her. I had barely even spoken to you, or been alone with you, the entire time I had worked here. You jumped when you heard me open the door and began wiping your eyes. I felt really bad because I remembered how much I wanted someone besides my mom to be there for me when my dad had died, so I asked if you were okay. You told me it was your mom's birthday and that you really missed her." he sighed heavily at that and closed his eyes, as if reliving that particular moment was painful for him.

He was so sweet. I suddenly felt a pang of simultaneous love and jealousy towards him. The jealousy was because he still had the memories of all these events and feelings, whether good or bad; the love was unequivocal and unconditional, and I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that it would always be there.

"So I put my hand on your shoulder and you stood up and just kind of fell into me and started crying all over me." he chuckled and leaned over to plant another affectionate kiss on my forehead as I mentally rolled my eyes at my sappy past self.

"And then?" I asked, eager to hear the rest of the story.

"And then I told you that I hadn't seen you at the Burial, and I knew it was because you had gone home before your mom's Funeral had even begun. You just sort of sniffed and then kept crying, so I told you that when my dad died, I flat out refused to go to his Funeral or Burial. I told you how I felt about Funerals, and how morbid and deranged I thought they were, and you said you felt the exact same way. Then you asked me if I had regretted it and if I felt like I didn't get proper closure by not going through the process of saying goodbye. I told you that I may have felt that way although I wasn't exactly able to process it at the time, but my mom had caught on, and she convinced me to go see his grave on his birthday. You were quiet for a couple of minutes, and I was about to turn around and leave until you asked me what my name was. I thought it was kind of an odd question, seeing as during the few times that we had spoken before, you had called me Mr. Steelman, so I told you that everyone called me Steel, and you said that made me sound like a Transformer." he laughed out loud and shook his head fondly, beaming at me, as a recent memory clunked into place in my mind.

"In the hospital... when I told you that calling you Steel made you sound like a robot..." I began after propping myself up on my right elbow and gasping slightly.

He nodded, still smiling widely at me.

"That's right. I was remembering the first conversation we had shared about it. So, I told you my first name, and you repeated it softly, and then my heart started beating really fast. I didn't even understand why at the time, but looking back I believe that was the first time I realized I was insanely attracted to you. I had only ever watched you from afar, not like in a stalker way but because that was my job, and I knew you were beautiful but I didn't realize that I was already falling for you even though I barely knew you."

I blushed furiously and grinned sheepishly at him as he rolled onto his side, mirroring me by propping his head up on his own elbow, and cupped my left cheek with his free hand. He stared into my eyes for a few moments, caressing my face with his thumb and smiling blissfully at me, until I cleared my throat, silently urging him to continue with the story.

"Okay, okay." he said in mock annoyance, still grinning and even blushing a little himself.

"You asked me if I would take you to see your mom's grave, and even though I was completely shocked by the question, I agreed almost instantly. I wasn't going to turn down an opportunity to spend some time alone with you, even under those circumstances. Your dad was out of town and James was off that day, so it was just me there. Rather than ask Johnny to drive us, I took you in my car to the cemetery. It happens to be the same one where my dad is buried, and since I had accompanied your dad to the Burial, I knew where her grave was. When we got there, you just stood stock still and stared at her headstone for what seemed like half an hour. I wanted to comfort you but I didn't know what to say, so I just put my hand on your shoulder again. I was half terrified that you were going to jump me and start crying like you had in your room, but you didn't. You just stiffened for a second and then put your left hand on top of mine without saying anything. You didn't need to; I knew it was your way of thanking me. After another few minutes you asked if you could be alone with her, so I decided to go and visit my dad's grave. It was far enough away that I wouldn't be able to hear you, but close enough that I could keep an eye on you. I was still on the job, after all. You sat down in front of her gravestone, crossed your legs and started talking. After a few minutes, you stood up, wiped your eyes on your sleeve, and then looked around to see where I had gone. Then when we got back to my car I asked you if you felt better. You said you felt drained but happy that you had come to see her. I told you that I remembered feeling that same way when I saw my dad's grave for the first time and that my mom even took me to get ice cream afterward to cheer me up. We both laughed and then you said 'I want ice cream.' I laughed again, thinking you were joking, but you looked me dead in the eyes and said 'I'm serious.' So, naturally, we went to Ray's Drive In." He chuckled and grinned, his brilliant hazel eyes twinkling in the soft moonlight that poured in from my glass paned porch door.

"Right before we got out of the car, you said my name. I turned back toward you to see what you needed and you just stared at me for about a minute. Then you said 'Thank you. For this. For today.' and gave me that gorgeous smile of yours. I was completely mesmerized, Kase. I had to use all the self control I had to stop myself from grabbing you right then and kissing you. And then I had to use it again in order to look away from your beautiful blue eyes. I would have been perfectly happy just getting lost in them forever."

My eyes began to water from joy and affection as I heard his words, watching his face screw up with emotion. I realized in that moment that I loved him beyond any form of comprehension. I loved him so much that I literally felt tethered to life by that very love, as if it were the only thing supplying the breath in my lungs and the blood pumping through my veins. He brought his right hand up to my left cheek to gently wipe away the tears that I had been unable to keep from falling. He must have been able to tell they were happy tears, though, because he gave me a warm smile before taking a deep breath and readying himself to finish the story.

"We went to the walk-up window and you ordered Cookies'N'Cream ice cream in a chocolate waffle cone, and it sounded so good that I ordered the same thing. It was probably the most delicious ice cream I've ever had." he laughed again as I felt yet another pang of jealousy that he had these memories and I didn't.

But all of a sudden I came to the understanding that it wasn't the worst thing in the world that I had lost those memories, because it presented me with the extremely unique opportunity to learn about our love from Shane's perspective. I actually felt lucky to get to see the look on his face as he recalled the beginning of our relationship, and while he was reliving it, I was getting to hear about it for what genuinely felt like the first time. Although it was strange, it was also intensely beautiful. And I wouldn't have traded that experience for anything, not even getting the true memories back.

"When we got back to the house, you asked me if I wanted to go to the library with you. I had no idea why, but I agreed anyway. I did have a slight inkling that your reasoning might have had something to do with the fact that there were no cameras in the library. As soon as we walked through the doors, you grabbed my hand and led me through the rows of bookcases until we were in the back right corner. Then, you turned around and kissed me full on the mouth. I was so shocked that I couldn't even move. After a few seconds you pulled away to look at me, probably wondering why the hell I hadn't kissed you back, and I immediately took your face in my hands and pulled you into another kiss. It was without a doubt the most amazing moment of my entire life up until that point."

I gaped at him as he removed his arm from under his head and rolled back onto his back on the bed. Then I climbed on top of him and stared into his magnificent face, seemingly without having the slightest clue what I was going to do or say next. But I opened my mouth to speak anyway.

"Every time you kiss me it feels like the most amazing moment of my entire life."

Now it was his turn to gape, but it only lasted a split second before he grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me into a burning kiss. His left hand slid down my side sensually until he reached my hip, then he pulled my body even closer to his as I began rolling my hips into his. His right hand tangled in the back of my hair and he let out a sort of growl as I snaked my hand underneath his cotton shirt, trembling with pleasure upon feeling his rippled abdominal muscles. I grabbed his bare shoulder and tried unnecessarily to bring my body even closer to his as he slipped his tongue into my mouth for the second time that night. A couple of minutes later, I slid my hand back down his stomach and began fumbling with the button of his jeans, but then he suddenly sat bolt upright, pushing me gently to the side, staring at the door to the hallway in terror. My eyes followed his until they rested on the space at the bottom of the door, which had suddenly been illuminated with light from the hallway. Shane jumped out of bed and grabbed his shoes, then quickly but silently ran through the bathroom door as I frantically searched for my tank top which Shane had removed less than a minute before that. I pulled it back over my head and yanked the covers over myself just as I heard a knock at the hallway door. I froze in utter panic, eyes tight shut, ears straining to make out any sound other than the loud thumping of my heartbeat. I heard the sound of the door opening right before I heard Sam's voice.

"K?" he said loudly, apparently not caring whether I was sleeping or not.

Even if I had wanted to answer, I couldn't move a single muscle. It seemed that I was still paralyzed with fear and shock. I held my breath, whether on purpose or because I had temporarily forgotten how to breathe I wasn't sure, until I heard the door close again. I waited for what seemed like an eternity before opening my eyes very slightly to see if the hallway light had been turned off. To my mingled surprise and relief, it had. Good God! That was close! I thought.