Come Back To Me

Chapter 5

It’s a little over a week later, and my mother and I ride with the Thorne’s in the limo headed towards Reid’s funeral. My mother had protested a little bit with Darla, insisting that because we weren’t immediate family, we should just go in our own car, but Darla was having none of it. She insisted that I was Reid’s family with whom he had planned to marry, therefore making me another daughter of hers, and my mother was like a sister to her, so we were to ride with them. So my mom sits beside Darla and Don, and I sit next to Gavin, who has an arm around both Madelyn and me.

This morning getting ready, I was like a robot, my actions were just on auto drive. This whole thing has been surreal, nothing in the world seems right anymore, so I’ve basically checked out of it. My mom did my hair, and I didn’t even bother with make up, because I could really care less than nothing about what anybody thinks of my appearance. My eyes are dark with circles underneath them from almost total lack of sleep. The only time I do dream, it’s about Reid, and that makes it hurt all over again. I try to avoid the sleep, but every time I do, it feels like there’s another force at work, coaxing me to sleep, filling my head with vivid images of happier days gone by.

“Hadley?” Gavin shakes me gently, “we’re here.”

I turn to look at Gavin who also has bluish circles under his eyes. I nod, and he grabs hold of my hand and helps me out of the limo.

“It’s going to be okay Hadley.”

He wraps an arm around my shoulder comfortingly, and his sister has run forward to join her parents. Don takes her hand and holds it tightly. Gavin and I follow close behind them as we walk into the church.

We are led into a back room that is reserved for the family as the other attendees makes their way in to find an empty seat. We take a seat on the light blue couches that inhabit the cozy little room. I stare vacantly at the wall, and Gavin doesn’t let go of me. I think he’s afraid that if he doesn’t hold me together, I may shatter into a million little pieces. After approximately fifteen minutes or so, a short elderly man comes in to lead us to our seats in the front of the church. Don and Darla go first, followed by Madelyn, Gavin, myself then my mother. Then Reid’s grandparents whom I hadn’t even noticed were in the room with us before. I haven’t seen them much because they live in Vancouver. We all sit down and I look to the front of the room, and am greeted by a very large smiling portrait of Reid. His happy green eyes, and his charming smile stare back at us.

Soon we hear the music begin to play and six pallbearers walk into the church from the back carrying Reid’s casket. The pallbearers are Aaiden and Cole, with whom Reid had become close with since they met us on that first day of high school, another close friend, named Derek, from Reid’s hockey team, his cousins Jake and Andrew and Reid’s Uncle Jim. I feel the tightness form in my chest and throat, and the tears start afresh as they carefully place the casket on the catafalque. The pallbearers take their seats and the minister starts the service. I listen in a daze, the tears never wavering, and then it’s time for the eulogy, being delivered by Gavin.

Gavin delivers a eulogy that is beautiful, heartfelt, with a little humor, and complete love for his brother. I lose it, and I can’t silence the loud sobs that force their way out of my mouth, as much as I try to rein them in. My mother rubs my back, and I can hear the soft sobs coming from Reid’s family. After the eulogy, they start a slideshow of pictures from Reid’s too short life. I am surprised by how much I appear in the photos. There are so many photos of happy times gone by; Reid was always a good sport, smiling wide for the camera. I hear more crying emanating from the crowd as the many pictures from school events start to play. Reid had a lot of friends, he was always so good at making everyone he was close to feel special, especially me. He was truly loved by many.

When the slide show ends, and the pallbearers stand to collect the casket, before I realize what I’m doing, I’m out of my seat, and I approach his casket. Reid’s family watches me carefully, and I’m mildly aware of the hundreds of eyes watching me, wondering what I’m going to do. I place my hands on the lid and lower my cheek onto the cool polished wood, hugging it as I bawl my eyes out.

“I love you Reid, I miss you, I’ll love you forever,” I whisper to him through the casket.

I kiss the lid, and I feel a strong arm wrap around my shoulders, and start gently leading me away from the casket so that the pallbearers can carry it away. I look up through my tears at whoever is holding onto me, and it’s Gavin, as I suspected.

We are led back to the limousines, and we follow the hearse, followed by a large procession. We arrive shortly at the nearby cemetery. I feel myself losing it again at the thought of watching them lower Reid’s body into the ground. That’s when it truly becomes official that he is actually gone. The limousine parks and I can feel my stomach start to lurch.

“Let me out!” I panic, trying to push down the nausea.

Gavin seems aware of what is happening and quickly moves to open the door. As soon as my feet hit the pavement, I run behind the limo and unceremoniously puke my guts out. I’m unsure of what I’m puking up though, since I’ve barely eaten anything in a week. My mom runs up behind me and holds my dress out of the way, and rubs my back. When I think it’s all over, she hands me a tissue.

“I know sweetie, I know,” she pulls me to her and hugs me tightly.

“Is she okay?” I hear Gavin ask from behind us.

“I think she’s got it all out honey, please go join your family, I got her,” she reassures him, but he must have ignored her, because I feel him place a hand on my back.

“Cathy, can I talk to her for a minute?” he asks her quietly.

“Sure Gavin, I’ll just be over there, okay?”

“Thank you,” he replies.

After a second, Gavin leads me around, away from my mess, to a small bench on the edge of the grass, away from the curious glances of the other attendees that make their way across the grass to the grave sight. He sits down next to me, and pulls me close to him.

“Hadley, I know how you feel. I know how Reid felt about you; he told me all the time that you were his soul mate. Now I don’t believe in soul mates, but he truly believed that you were his. My family and I know how much you loved him, and we love you for it. We want you to know that we always want you to continue to feel like a part of our family, no matter what, because you are a huge part of our lives, and Reid’s memory will always live inside you.”

Gavin wipes away his tears as he tells me this. I look into his eyes that are so similar to Reid’s, that if you covered their entire faces, except their eyes, and held them up next to each other, you wouldn’t know the difference. Except me, I would always know the difference.

“Thank you Gavin, of course I’ll always want to stay in your lives, you are like a second family to me, I love all of you so much,” I choke, my voice rough and hoarse from days and days of crying and rarely speaking.

“Hadley, we need to say goodbye to Reid now, are you able to do that with me?”

He searches my face. I attempt a deep cleansing breath, trying to ready myself.

“Okay, I think I can do it,” I whisper, not feeling so certain that I can. Gavin nods and stands up, offering his hand to me. I tentatively take it, and he leads me towards the crowd that encircles the grave. The crowd opens to let us through, and we go to stand with our family to say goodbye to my one true love.

As if this day weren’t long enough, we are then required to attend the Repast. I sit at a table in a quiet corner by myself as everyone eats the generous lunch that is being offered, and chats quietly over tea and coffee.

“Hadley?” a familiar voice grabs my attention. I look up at the person who said my name, and I am surprised to see Taylor. Not surprised she is at the funeral; just surprised she is talking to me.

“Hi Taylor,” I say tiredly, looking back down at the table, not really in the mood to talk to her.

She takes a seat next to me.

“I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I know we have never gotten along, but I know that you and Reid were something special, and I guess well…I guess I was always jealous of it because I wanted that too, every girl wants that you know? I’m sorry about everything,” she sniffs.

I look at her face, and tears stream down her pretty face. She seems completely genuine in her apology.

“Thank you Taylor, that really means a lot,” I manage a weak smile for her.

She smiles kindly back at me, a smile I don’t think I’ve ever received from her before, and she leans in and hugs me quickly before standing up.

“Okay, see you around Hadley,” she waves weakly and then walks away to join a group of fellow classmates that are sitting across the room.

I watch her rejoin them, and a few look back at me with sad, sorry looks on their faces.

“Is this seat taken?” I look up at Gavin who towers over me, holding a small plate of food in one hand, and a cup of juice in the other. He sits down and places the items on the table, then pushes them toward me.

“Had, you need to eat, I’m sure you’re starving,” he coaxes lightly.

“I’m not hungry.”

I shake my head and push them back towards him. He doesn’t take no for an answer, and pushes them back to me.

“I’m going to sit here until you eat one of these teeny tiny little sandwiches, and a carrot stick, and the juice.”

He rests an elbow on the table, and rests his face on his hand, watching me carefully.

I look at him, wanting to protest again, but the look on his face tells me that I’m not going to win this one. So I nod weakly and pick up the small ham sandwich. I tentatively take a small bite and chew. It tastes good, and my stomach rumbles in appreciation.

“See? That’s not so bad now is it?”

Gavin smiles at me, watching me finish the sandwich.

“No, I guess not,” I agree.

“Okay, now the carrot stick,” he orders.

I look at the plate, there is one more sandwich on it, a couple carrot sticks, a pickle and a few pieces of crackers and cheese. I study the plate, and decide on the pickle. Once I’ve eaten that, I move onto the crackers and cheese and so on. After a couple minutes, I have polished off the entire plate. Gavin watches me the entire time.

“Good girl. Feel a little better now?”

He moves the plate out of the way and pushes the juice in front of me, and I drink it in three gulps.

“Yes,” I hiccup.

“Good. You look too skinny Hadley. Have you eaten at all?” he asks, concern evident in his voice.

“Not really,” I admit.

He shakes his head.

“Well, please start, or I’ll be forced to come to your house and force feed you if that’s what I have to do. I don’t think you’ll like that very much,” he threatens me with a raised eyebrow.

“I’ll try Gavin,” I reply weakly.

“Okay,” he says simply, leaving the topic alone for now.

“You know Gavin, you really don’t need to babysit me or anything. You should be spending time with your family and friends right now. I’ll be alright, I promise,” I gesture towards the crowd of people before us.

“Nah, I don’t really feel like mingling right now. Besides, Reid would have wanted me to hang out and make sure you were okay,” he counters.

“Okay,” I say, because I don’t know what else to say to him.

All I really want right now is to be alone, curled up in my bed with the lights off. Actually, to be honest, what I really want right now is to be in my bed right now, curled up next to Reid. But that is not going to happen…ever again.

“When can I go home?” I blurt before I can stop myself.

He stares at me, seeming to comprehend my mood.

“I can take you home Hadley if you want to leave,” he offers.

“No, no Gavin. Like I said, you need to be with your family. I just really want to be by myself right now, I can wait until my mom is ready to leave.”

“And I told you that Reid would want me to make sure you were okay. My car is here, so I can take you. I wouldn’t mind getting out of here myself anyway.”

Gavin stands up before I can argue with him any further. I sigh, resigned. I stand up and follow behind him as we work our way though the crowd. A few people try to reach out and start a conversation with me as I wait for Gavin to tell our folks that we are leaving, but I don’t feel like talking to anyone, and duck out into the lobby to wait for Gavin.

“Ready?” he asks me when he appears in the lobby.

I just nod and follow him out to his car.

After a short drive, we pull up in front of my house.

“Thanks for the ride Gavin. I guess I’ll see you later.”

I reach for the door handle, itching to get outside and into my house.

“Hey wait!”

Gavin grabs my arm before I open the door. I turn and look at him questioningly, waiting.

“Hadley, if you ever need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, or you just want to talk about Reid, I live just down the street. I’m always here if you need me okay? You have my number, use it. Don’t just try and deal with all this on your own,” he implores me.

“Okay Gavin, I will, I know thank you.”

I look at his hand that still holds onto my arm. He follows my gaze and quickly releases me.

I open the door quickly, and step out of his car, closing the door behind me before he can say anything else, because I can feel myself wanting to cry again, and I’m trying to be strong in front of Gavin, but I know I’m losing that battle. I don’t turn around so I hear, rather than see him pull away just as I get my front door unlocked. I nearly run to my room once I’m inside. I slam my bedroom door behind me, kick off my shoes, and collapse onto my bed. I bury my face into the still unwashed pillowcase that is severely tear stained, and no longer smells of Reid, but I haven’t the strength to let it be washed. My mom tried once, but I had a fit. She gave up and decided to just wait until I was ready to relinquish it to the wash. It may seem gross, but I just can’t do it yet.

I don’t even remember falling asleep, when a crisp breeze floating through my room wakes me. I look around, feeling a little disoriented, and it’s dark outside. I’ve been asleep all day, what time is it? I look at my alarm clock; it’s ten o’clock at night. Wow, I slept a long time, I haven’t slept like that all week. Why is it so cold in here?

I shiver, and look at my window, and see my curtains floating in the breeze. My window is wide open, again. Did I do that? This is the second time this has happened when I don’t remember opening it. I get up and stumble across my room and close it. I turn, and head back to my bed, and lie down, staring into the darkness. As I lay there, my mind foggy, and exhausted, despite all the sleep I got today, I get this warm feeling that spreads around me, and that same feeling of calm that I felt a week ago. But then that feeling changes into something more substantial, and it almost feels like arms are holding me. My brain must be shot, because I am now hallucinating.

“I miss you Reid,” I whisper into the darkness.

“I miss you too Hadley,” a soft voice answers me.

I jump at the sound, turning towards it, and there is Reid, staring back at me through the darkness.