All That You Are

Gage Kimball focused on polishing an ornate brass wardrobe handle and tried to ignore his raging hard-on. A task that was easier said than done. Especially since he could still feel Christopher’s mouth on his neck and his hand cupping Gage’s hard c**k through his jeans. If the stupid phone hadn’t started ringing, Christopher would probably have had him bent over the nearest table by then. But Christopher couldn’t ignore a business call. Sometimes, it really sucked to work for your boyfriend. On the other hand, Gage considered as he leaned back in his chair to get a better look at Christopher’s ass, there are some definite pluses. They’d only been officially together for a month, but Gage already had difficulty imagining a life without Christopher Gleason in it. They weren’t living together yet, but Gage spent quite a few nights in Christopher’s apartment behind the store. He saw Christopher nearly every day, and if he needed to take time off work, he could count on Christopher showing up to his next gig, always sitting in the back, always completely unmistakable. It was probably a good thing they didn’t live together. Sometimes the only thing that could drag Gage from Christopher’s arms was the fact that he didn’t have any clean clothes or the right guitar for a later gig. He pulled his gaze from Christopher and looked back to the wardrobe. Cleaning the newest acquisitions to make them ready for the showroom floor wasn’t high on Gage’s list of favorite ways to pass the time. Christopher had a good eye for detail and demanded perfection. Any less than that would be disrespectful. Gage didn’t find the tedious work satisfying, but he was surprisingly good at it. Well, he was good at it on the days Christopher didn’t wind him up and then abandon him. At least Christopher probably still had a hard-on, too, and was just as miserable. Gage could take a modicum of comfort in that. Christopher exchanged some easy banter with the person on the other end of the conversation, chuckling at something they said while he jotted down a few notes on a pad he kept near the phone for that purpose. Gage didn’t need to look up to know he was smiling, and to know the smile made his eyes crinkle at the corners. Gage didn’t hear every detail of Christopher’s side of the conversation, but he caught the gist. There was another estate sale, and it sounded like it was out of state. Which would require being gone for at least two days, maybe even longer. The thought of having Christopher essentially to himself for as long as three or four days sent a thrill down his spine. When the store fell silent again, he glanced up automatically to see Christopher bent over his notes. His free hand threaded through the brown hair he wore to his shoulders, pinning it back to expose his strong profile. The angle prevented Gage from seeing Christopher’s brilliant green eyes, but the strong line of his jaw was in full view, directing Gage’s focus straight to the wide mouth, the lips soft and slightly parted. His throat went dry. Sometimes, he had a hard time believing Christopher was actually his. “You’ve stopped polishing.” The words came without Christopher looking away from his pad, though the corner of his mouth lifted in a small smile. “You’re not ready for lunch already, are you?” “I don’t know. Aren’t you ready for lunch?” Thick lashes lifted to reveal Christopher’s twinkling eyes. “You make me forget I’m still trying to run a business here.” “Me? I haven’t done anything.” Gage tossed the rag aside and stood, his back popping as he straightened. Closing the distance between them, he peered over Christopher’s shoulder, pressing as close to the other man as he could. “What was that call all about?” “An estate sale in Seattle. I don’t usually bother when they’re so far away, but it’s being organized by some old friends of my grandfather. I haven’t seen any of them in years.” “Ooh, Seattle. I’ve never been there.” Gage slid his hand down Christopher’s back and let it rest on his ass. “When is it?” “A week from Saturday.” Turning around, Christopher leaned against the edge of the counter, spreading his legs to give Gage room to stand between them. He gripped Gage’s hips and tugged him forward until their groins rubbed against each other. “I have to fly up there Thursday night to meet with them for a Friday breakfast, but we should still have the rest of the day and then Sunday to look around if you’re interested.” “So you’ll be gone Friday the thirteenth?” Gage sighed. “I can’t go.” Christopher’s smile faded. “Why not?” “Because that’s the night I’m playing at the Roxy, remember? My set is only like twenty minutes long, but, you know, it’s the Roxy.” “Oh. Right. Damn.” He let go of Gage’s hip to twist for the notepad behind him. “Hopefully, Dan’s still there so I can let him know I can’t make it.” “No, you don’t have to do that.” Gage covered Christopher’s hand with his own. “You said that they’re old friends of your grandfather’s. You should go see them.” “But this is a big deal for you.” A hint of his smile returned. “You want a cheering section, don’t you?” “Of course, I do. But I don’t want you to miss out on seeing friends.” Gage pressed a kiss to Christopher’s throat. “Though I could still fly to Seattle after the show.” “Then you’re stuck at the sale all day with me on Saturday. No, that’s okay. You stay here, and I’ll just fly back Saturday night instead of waiting until Sunday.” He laced their fingers together and used the grip to twist Gage’s arm behind his back, encircling him in an even tighter embrace. “I almost like your private concerts better, anyway.” “I almost like the private concerts better, too. I’ve almost got a new song done. Maybe it’ll be ready to debut by Saturday night.” “You sure you want me to be the first one to hear it?” His lips brushed against Gage’s temple, the tip of his tongue tickling over the skin. “I’ve loved everything you’ve done. I won’t be able to give you any critical response.” “Considering it’s about you, I think it’s best if you hear it first.” Christopher startled him by stiffening and pulling back, eyes wide as they fixed on Gage. He swallowed once before saying, “You really did that?” “Yeah. Why are you surprised? Is it because I hardly ever subject you to my own compositions?” “No, just…” He shook his head as if to clear it. “I guess I don’t think I’m interesting enough to write a song about, that’s all. My life hasn’t been very exciting for years. But then, you came along.” “I think your life is plenty interesting.” Gage had hoped Christopher would like his song—it never occurred to him that Christopher would be pleased just because he wrote one at all. “But this one is more about my life and how you’ve made it better.” “Then I definitely want that private concert.” His head bent, his mouth brushing across Gage’s in a delicate, lingering kiss. “And an early lunch to prove your life isn’t the only one that’s better.” Gage smiled against Christopher’s mouth, and his c**k throbbed. “I think that’s a good plan. Do you want me to lock up?” “Yeah. I’ll turn the machine on so we don’t get interrupted by more calls.” Christopher released his hand, but Gage didn’t step away. He couldn’t stop himself from wrapping his arms around Christopher and pulling him into another slow kiss. Their tongues slid together lazily, and Christopher’s low moan went directly to his groin. He loved everything they did together, but kissing was a special pleasure. Christopher’s mouth was intoxicating, and he still couldn’t believe that he could get more of it any time he wanted. The bell above the door chimed, and Gage immediately broke the contact. “Guess I should have locked up first,” he said under his breath. Christopher licked his bottom lip, almost teasing Gage into another kiss. His breathing was already labored, the color high in his cheeks, but he pushed Gage away with a playful little shove. “Go finish the wardrobe. I need to get behind the counter without you there if I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of the customers.” Gage had no choice but to comply. He gingerly lowered himself down on his stool, wishing his jeans didn’t cut into his balls so much. It would be such a relief when Christopher finally dragged him into the back and stripped the pants from him. The thought distracted Gage from his task, and he tried to discreetly adjust himself to relieve some of the pressure. “Excuse me, does Gage Kimball work here?” Gage froze at the question. He knew the voice, but his mind refused to process it. No, it can’t be. That’s impossible. How did he even find me? “He does, but I’m afraid he’s on the clock at the moment.” Christopher’s voice was cool and professional, though Gage knew him well enough to recognize the curious tone in his statement. “Is this personal or business related?” “Oh. Personal. Definitely. I’m sorry, sir, I know I shouldn’t bother him when he’s working, but I don’t know how else to reach him. Can you tell him Ben’s here? I’ll only speak to him for a minute. I promise.” Hearing Ben’s name, and knowing he wasn’t just dreaming, drove Gage to his feet. He forgot about his earlier discomfort and Christopher’s promise to close the store early for lunch. He nearly tripped over himself to get to the front counter, his legs going numb when he actually saw his younger brother. “Ben? What are you doing here?” He hadn’t seen any of his family since leaving Salt Lake City two months earlier, after his disastrous coming out to his parents. With Christopher as constant company, and his music occupying the rest of his time, he’d been able to mostly forget the ache of their rejection—or at least, not think about it nearly as much. But seeing Ben in the flesh, a relieved smile on his brother’s face, brought it all rushing back. At seventeen, Ben was the youngest Kimball and the one who looked least like Gage. He’d inherited their mother’s dark hair, and instead of their father’s blue eyes, a mottled hazel that didn’t belong to either of their parents. His features were long and pinched, but Gage had seen the teenaged pictures of their dad. Sometime in the next few years, Ben’s face would start filling out, just like his, and he’d be a mirror reflection of the man. The big difference, however, was how readily Ben offered smiles. Everybody fell for them. Gage would have resented it a little bit if he didn’t know Ben meant each and every one. “I came looking for you, actually.” His gaze darted to Christopher for a moment, polite and assessing, before returning to Gage. “When do you get a break so we can talk?” Gage looked over to Christopher, but his face was impassive. A blank, rather disinterested mask. He looked exactly like a boss and nothing like a boyfriend. “I was just about to go to lunch. There’s a sandwich shop around the corner. Are you hungry?” “Starving. I haven’t eaten anything since last night.” “Okay…give me a second. I just need to talk to my boss real quick.” Ben nodded and turned to the door. “Sure, no problem. I’ll be outside.” “You don’t mind if I take the afternoon off, do you?” Gage asked softly once Ben was gone. The mask fell, replaced with the concern Gage was more familiar with. “Of course not. I’m sorry I didn’t recognize he was your brother right away. I would’ve called you right out otherwise.” “Don’t worry about it. It’s not like I ever had reason to think he’d show up here. Not in a million years.” “What do you think he wants?” Gage studied him through the window. Ben stood just outside the door, hands in his pockets, attention fixed on something Gage couldn’t see. He looked normal, healthy. If he was there to continue the argument their parents started, or to deliver some horrible news, he had an excellent poker face. “I really don’t know. I’ll call you later and catch you up.” “Gage…” At Christopher’s soft tone, Gage broke away from his thoughts to glance back, only to meet the soft blaze in the other man’s eyes. Christopher reached and caught his nape, pulling him gently forward until they were blocked from the street view by an oversized armoire. “If you need anything, I’m right here.” He didn’t kiss Gage, but the slow caress of his thumb below Gage’s ear was a heady substitute. “But whatever happens, you’re going to be okay. Remember that.” “I will.” Gage brushed his mouth across Christopher’s. “Thank you.” He wished he could have invited Christopher to join them. He wanted to introduce the two of them and explain that Christopher was more than just his boss. He wanted to be open and honest with Ben, to lay it all on the table to either be accepted or discarded. But when he stepped out of the store, he didn’t see an almost fully-grown man. He saw his little brother, and instead of making a full confession, he gestured down the block. “It’s just around that corner.” Ben fell into step beside him. “I can’t believe how close you are to the beach here. I could see it through the buildings when I was on the bus, trying to find the store.” “We can go down there after lunch if you want.” “Don’t you have to go back to work?” “Are you kidding? It’s not every day my little brother surprises me with a visit. I told him I’m taking the afternoon off.” Ben’s head snapped around. “You told him? You’re not afraid he’s going to fire you?” Gage couldn’t stop his smile. “He’s a very understanding boss. He’s not going to fire me. Aren’t you afraid you’re going to get in trouble coming out here?” “Mom and Dad think I’m camping with Jonah and his family. As long as I’m back by Sunday night, they’ll never know.” “Does Jonah know he’s your alibi?” Ben grinned. “You think I’m stupid? If Mom and Dad knew I was here, I’d be kissing any fun I might have for senior year goodbye.” “The fact that you lied to our parents and essentially ran away from home makes me think you might be a little bit stupid, yeah. What are you doing down here?” “It’s not running away if you’re going back.” They rounded the corner, and Ben craned his neck to scan up and down the street. “Where’s that sandwich place? My stomach hasn’t shut up all morning.” Gage didn’t miss the fact that Ben didn’t actually answer his question. His earlier fear that something was wrong intensified. Instead of pressing for an explanation, he led Ben into the tiny shop. There was barely room for three customers to stand there at once, but after Christopher had introduced him to it, he never wanted to eat anywhere else. Gage ordered the sandwiches without consulting Ben, knowing after years of making Ben’s sandwiches exactly what he did and didn’t like. He noticed his younger brother’s eyes widen as he took out his wallet to pay, flashing the tips he’d made the night before at the Red Fin. There was easily a hundred dollars there in ones and fives and tens. He also bought two Sprites—he preferred Coke now, but he knew Ben would be startled by that. “We’ll take this down to the beach. It’s pretty quiet there in the middle of the week.” Ben opened his Sprite as Gage led them out, tilting it to his mouth as he looked around the neighborhood. His eyes never settled on any one thing, though Gage couldn’t blame him for the curiosity. He’d been the same way when he’d first arrived in Los Angeles. And this part of Santa Monica was definitely a world away from what they knew in Salt Lake City. “Do you live around here, too?” Ben asked. “No, I live in West Hollywood. I couldn’t afford to live out here. An apartment the size of Grandpa’s basement would run a couple of grand every month.” Ben whistled. “But you’re doing good, it looks like. I mean, that powder horn you sent me looked like it cost a fortune.” “Oh, I guess that explains how you found me. And I’m doing well enough to pay the bills. Probably better than Mom and Dad expect.” “I would never have pegged you for working in an antique store, though. A music store, sure. But I guess you have to take what you can get, huh?” “Yeah. Christopher, the owner, is a friend of mine, and he’s a pretty good guy. I think he pretty much created a new position for me, but I’m not complaining.” “So all this is permanent? You’re not coming back.” Gage swallowed. “No, I’m not. I hope you didn’t come all this way just to talk me into it.” “Like I could ever talk you into anything anyway.” “What are you talking about? You used to talk me into trouble all of the time. ‘Mom and Dad won’t get mad if you do it, Gage.’“ “That’s different. That was the truth.” A shadow passed behind his eyes. “Or it used to be, at least.” “I guess they’re still pretty upset?” His shrug wouldn’t have been as big of a deal if it hadn’t come with Ben’s gaze fixing on the beach in front of them. “Nobody talks about it.” Gage couldn’t even admit he was surprised. “That’s how they always deal with things like this. Like if they just don’t talk about it, all the badness will go away. I got tired of living like that, Ben. I got tired of pretending it was normal.” He took a deep breath and focused on his sandwich. “I’m sorry I didn’t…I didn’t really say goodbye.” “I’m sure you had your reasons.” Though Ben didn’t exactly sound happy about that. “Is it better here? Honestly?” “It’s so much better here that it doesn’t even compare. I miss you, and I miss Zak and Brett, but otherwise, I don’t really think about Salt Lake at all.” True now, but it would have a bald-faced lie just a month earlier. “Things are really coming together here for me.” “Even your music?” “Yeah. I’ve got a regular gig at a bar. I’ve played a few other clubs and met some people. I’m actually opening for somebody next week at the Roxy. Well, I’m opening for the opener, but it’s better than playing somebody’s school dance.” For all his avowals earlier at being so hungry, Ben had barely touched his sandwich. He kept playing with his Sprite bottle, turning it between his hands then taking a sip, only to repeat it all over again. “There’s clubs in Salt Lake, too. You could probably get more jobs there, even. You’re way better than most of the bands I’ve heard.” “Ben…I’m sorry I have to be blunt about this, but I will never go back to Salt Lake.” “But why? It’s a big city. Not LA big, but big enough. And you don’t have to see Mom and Dad if you don’t want to. What’s so special here you won’t even think about it?” Nothing less than the truth would satisfy Ben’s questions. Gage had never told anybody besides his parents that he was gay, and he supposed if they refused to talk about Gage or why he left, then there was no way Ben could have known. He could live with disappointing his parents, but the thought of disappointing Ben and Zak—the two people who had always looked up to him, always loved him without condition—made him want to vomit. But he was done lying. “Christopher. He’s what’s so special about LA.” “Christopher?” Ben’s confusion darkened his eyes, his brows drawn into a frown as he tried to put together the pieces Gage had offered him. “Your boss? But you had friends in Salt Lake who would’ve given you a job. All you ever had to do was ask.” “Benny, I’m gay. That’s what Mom and Dad won’t talk about. That’s why I left.” Gage sighed and kicked a stone at his feet. “Do you hate me now, too?” “What? Why would I hate you? Though at least now I get what the big deal is for them.” He nudged Gage’s ankle, getting his attention back. “I don’t hate you. I’m pissed you didn’t tell me before you left, but that’s all.” “Well, I guess I deserve that. But I just…I couldn’t tell you. It took everything I had to tell them. I am sorry I assumed you’d be as crazy as they are, though.” Ben’s sudden grin was a reminder of happier times. “Mom and Dad cornered the market on crazy a long time ago. We have to settle for being just weird enough to be interesting.” Gage returned his grin and pulled him into a quick hug, his arm around Ben’s shoulder. “So, now, it’s your turn to come clean. What are you doing down here? You didn’t come all the way to California to drag me home, did you?” “Well…” He took his time folding the paper back away from his sandwich, the mood sobering again. “I did. I thought—well, I guess it doesn’t matter. Not after what happened.” “What did you think?” Gage prompted. Ben scooped a dollop of mayo that had dripped along the edge onto his thumb and sucked it away. “I thought if you knew about Dad, you’d come home. But I get why you said never.” Gage frowned. “Knew what about Dad?” The explanation was slow in coming, Ben’s newfound reluctance stretching the seconds interminably. “He thought he might have an ulcer or a stomach bug or something, so he went into the doctor to get it checked out. Except it wasn’t any of that.” His head ducked, his voice lowering. “It’s cancer. They just got the results on the biopsy last week.” “Cancer.” The word seemed to fall out of him. His tongue felt heavy, and his heart lurched, but otherwise, it didn’t feel real. “Is it…I mean…how bad is it? What did the doctor’s say?” “That’s the next step, I guess. They need to do all these tests to see if it’s spread. Mom’s been all over us to add extra prayers, but I did some Googling to see what it might mean. If it’s spread…” When he looked at Gage, his eyes were bleak. The front he’d been presenting was completely gone, leaving only his scared little brother behind. “He doesn’t even seem sick. I mean, he seems like he always does. But the more it’s spread, the worse his odds.” Gage rubbed his eyes. “Jesus Christ. Fuck.” Ben sighed. “I can’t believe they didn’t call you.” Gage wanted to assure him they didn’t have his number, but he hadn’t gotten around to getting a local number. His cell had been the same for the past eighteen months. “Maybe they didn’t want to call me until they had more news.” “Maybe.” His voice lacked conviction, though. “Mom keeps telling us it’ll be okay. Zak tried putting off his mission, but she and Dad stopped that before he got very far.” “Where was he sent?” Gage asked dully. “Wait. Why did they even let him go? If Dad’s…if something is really wrong…they’ll just send him home again.” “Houston, Texas.” Gage almost laughed. “Are you serious?” “Yes. Zak was pretty upset about it, too. He even said they were punishing him because they had to send you home.” “That makes God seem awfully petty.” “Yeah, I told Zak he was being stupid.” Ben sighed. “As for why they let him go, I don’t know. He’s only been gone for two weeks, and they’re kind of acting like when you left. The house is really quiet.” “I can’t even imagine that place being quiet.” “Things aren’t the same with you gone. And it’s not just Dad being sick. Things have been wrong for a while.” “Just a few more months until you can get out on your own.” With a shrug, Ben picked up his sandwich and bit into it, letting the conversation lapse as what he’d said sank in. Gage didn’t have much of an appetite for his food, but it was easier to eat than focus on the would-be future if their father’s prognosis turned out as bad as Ben seemed to fear. “I’m glad you’re happy.” Ben’s quiet statement came with his gaze on the distant horizon, though Gage suspected he wasn’t really seeing the ocean in all its glory. “That helps.” “Did you fly down? When are you going back?” “Sunday morning. I had to dip into my savings for the ticket, but I thought it would be worth it.” “Your college savings? Let me cover the ticket.” Ben brushed his offer away. “You have bills to pay. I’ll just clock extra hours tutoring this year to make it up. No big deal.” Gage disagreed. It was a big deal. If he hadn’t been so stubborn about cutting all ties, Ben would have never felt it necessary to spend the money to fly to LA. Not to mention the cost of transportation from the airport. He knew Ben would dig his heels in—the boy had a stubborn streak a mile wide—but he couldn’t stop Gage from at least making the trip worthwhile. The last thing he wanted to do was sit around and feel sorry for himself or obsess over his father’s health. He didn’t think Ben wanted to do that, either. “I guess we better make the most of our time while you’re here. What do you think? Disneyland?” “Seriously?” The way Ben brightened at the suggestion made Gage glad he’d thought of it. “Just the two of us?” Gage would have liked to invite Christopher, but Ben knowing Gage was gay and actually being confronted with the visual evidence were two different things. “Yeah, seriously. We could go there and anywhere else you’d like. I’ve even got a full tank of gas.” “Can I see you play?” “At a real gig? I don’t know, I’m playing at a bar this weekend and you’re not twenty-one. But maybe Julio will make an exception for you.” Ben reacted like it was a yes already, though Gage really wasn’t sure what Julio’s response would be. But seeing him smile was infinitely better than thinking about what had brought him to LA in the first place.