One Bed, No Boundaries

DAVIAN "In a room of people, I'd still look for her." Seryosong sambit ko sa sinabi ni Noah sa akin. And I told everyone, I was just there to chill. But everyone knows, I only came in case Ryen showed up. "And we all know that you only came in case she's here." Sambit ni Annaya na ikinatahimik ko. Sakto sa katagang binanggit ko sa aking isipan. "After all, it's all about the one face you look for, in a room full of people." Seryosong sambit ni Saraiah. "Every time we talked I'd joke she should find a guy who actually likes her." Natatawa kong sambit. “Tapos laging sagot ni nung isa, "Ikaw nalang kaya." Then laughs it off like it meant nothing.” Pag paparinig ni Noah. “f**k off.” Reklamo ko habang napapa kamot sa aking ulo. I keep saying she deserves better… Knowing deep down, I wanted it to be me. Funny how I was the one who told her to… But I just didn’t think she’s listen. I was caught off guarded. “Bakit kasi ayaw mo pang umamin?” Tanong ni Saraiah. “Paano makaka amin yan e si Ryen basta natunugan na may sasabihin si Davian ang bilis bilis umiwas, nag babago agad ng topic.” Reklamo ni Noah habang tumatawa. “Hindi rin naming alam diyan, kay Davian lang kinakabahan yan e.” Naka ngusong sambit ni Annaya. I never said ‘no’ to her. She could call me at 3am and I’d still pick up. She’ll never have to wonder if someone’s still got her back, because I’m here. Still all in for her. “Iba rin tama m okay Ryen ‘no?” Natatawang puna ni Saraiah. “Ang tagal na niyan pero hindi man lang mawala wala.” Biro pa ni Annaya. “Hindi naman talaga mawawala yan, hindi naman niya gusting mawala e.” Seryosong sambit ni Noah. Even if Ryen pushed me away, rejected me, and do everything just to avoid my confession. Nandito pa rin ako, nanatili pa rin ako, walang nag babago. “Pero kahit a sa friend, hindi mo sinusubukan mag sabi sakanya?” Tanong ni Saraiah. “Hindi ko gusting maka dagdag sa pinag dadaanan niya. Alam kong meron at kahit siya ay hindi lumalapit sa akin para mag sabi.” Seryoso kong sambit. “Maybe she’s scared? Afraid?” Seryosong sambit ni Noah. “Alam nating lahat na sayo lang lumalambot yon, na ikaw lang nakaka kita ng soft side at ng vulnerable side niya.” Dagdag ni Annaya. I’ve been asking myself this question over and over again… Why do we fall in love with the people we can’t have? Bakit ganun? Bakit ‘yung taong lagi mong kasama, ‘yung kilala mo na halos buong buhay mo, siya pa ‘yung hindi mo pwedeng mahalin? Or maybe, hindi mo siya dapat sabihing mahal mo. Siya ‘yung best friend ko. Matagal na. As in, high school pa lang, magkasama na kami sa lahat. Lahat ng kalokohan, lahat ng iyakan, lahat ng milestones, nandun ako para sa kanya. At nandun din siya para sa’kin. Sobrang close namin, na minsan akala ng iba kami na. Pero ang totoo? Hindi. Kasi ako lang ‘yung nahulog. And that’s the hardest part. Ako lang ang nakakaramdam ng ganito. I tried to tell her many times. As in, ilang beses ko nang sinubukan, yung tipong sasabihin ko na sana, “Alam mo ba na mahal kita?” pero bigla siyang mag-iiba ng topic. Minsan tatawa lang siya at sasabihing, “Uy, seryoso tayo ngayon ha?” Tapos lalayo siya, o kaya babaguhin ‘yung vibe ng usapan. Parang... she knows. She gets it. But she doesn’t want to hear it. And I don’t know why. “Kahit kami nag tataka sa inaasal ni Ryen every time you tried to tell her.” Sambit ni Saraiah. “Parang pinag halong Saraiah at Annaya ugali ni Ryen. Kaso hindi lang doble o triple, ten times harder e.” Naka ngising sambit ni Noah. Tama naman, ugali ni Saraiah na push and pull, takot. Habang ugali naman ni Annaya na hindi kaya mag risk, hindi pa handa. Gusto ko lang mailabas lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko naman siya pinipilit na suklian ‘to. I just want her to know. Pero ang hirap, kasi every time I get close to the truth, she shuts me out in the softest, most painful way. At dun ko na-realize... maybe she already knows. Maybe she can feel it, kahit hindi ko pa sinasabi. Malakas pa naman makaramdam yun at magaling mag observe ng tao. And maybe, that’s exactly why she avoids the conversation, kasi ayaw niyang masaktan ako, o baka ayaw niyang masaktan ang sarili niya. Or maybe, gusto lang talaga niyang manatiling best friends kami, at natatakot siyang magbago lahat kapag inamin ko na. “So here I am, stuck. Hindi ko siya maamin. Hindi ko rin siya makalimutan.” Natatawa kong sambit at halos kulang nalang ay i-admit na talo ako at pasuko na talaga. “Daig mo pa naka kulong pero walang rehas o kulungan. Para kang ibon na Malaya nga, hindi naman makalipad.” Napapa iling na sambit ni Annaya. “And I keep going back to the same question…” Sambit ko. “Why do we fall in love with the people we can’t have?” Seryosong sambit ko sakanilang tatlo. “Maybe because we fall for the ones who make us feel safe. Yung mga taong nandyan palagi, ‘yung kilala ka inside and out. Maybe because we see a version of forever with them, even if they don’t see it with us.” Mahinang sambit ni Saraiah at mukhang nag aalangan sa kaniyang sasabihin kaya bahagya ko siyang nginitian. Or maybe... just maybe... because the heart doesn’t care about logic. It only knows what it wants, kahit gaano pa kaimposible. And yes, I still love her. Kahit hindi ko masabi. Kahit alam kong baka hindi niya kailanman maramdaman ‘yung pareho “Pero alam mo? That’s okay. Kasi to love someone silently... is still love. And even if she can’t be yours, I know you’re thankful that you got to love her this deeply, even just in the background.” Seryosong sambit ni Annaya. “Like I have another choice?” Natatawa kong sambit. Matagal ko naman na ring tinanggap. Hindi naman na siguro talaga mababago. “Hindi ko naman ikamamatay na mag kaibigan lang kami simula umpisa hanggang dulo ‘no?” Natatawa kong sambit. “Para kang si Achilles, loving Saraiah from a far.” Tumatawang sambit ni Noah matapos umalis ng dalawang girls dahil mukhang hinahanap na sila ni Ryen. “Tárantado.” Depensa ko naman. “Sinong mag aakala na ikaw pala ang susunod sa yakap ni Achilles?” Biro pa niya. “Tángina mo, wala ka talagang kwenta kausap kapag tayo nalang dalawa.” Inis kong sambit sakanya na mas lalo niyang ikinatawa. “If only Kuya Iyo and Ate Haya know’s about this. Paldo kayong dalawa.” Naka ngisi niyang sambit. “Kaya nga don’t tell them.” Sambit ko. “Kahit hindi niyo sabihin o aminin, alam ko.” Sambit ng isang pamilyar na boses na kakapasok lang office ko. “Kuya?” Gulat kong sambit at agad na napalunok sa aking laway. “Hóly Shít.” Natatawang sambit ni Noah. “Timing ah.” Biro ni Ate Haya. “Just keep it cool, marami pa kayong pag dadaanan, marami pang mangyayari… Marami pang kwento na dapat mabuksan.” Sambit ni Kuya Iyo na ikinapag taka naming. “Wag ka na mag tanong. Mag tiwala ka lang samin.” Tumatawang sambit ni Ate Haya. “Sabi sayo e, kahit itago mo, alam nila pareho.” Napapa iling na sambit ni Noah dahilan para mapakamot ako sa aking ulo. “Kung sino man yang source niyo, masyado siyang magaling para walang sikretong hindi lumabas.” Reklamo ko.