One Bed, No Boundaries

Kabanata 12

There are moments when I just sit in silence and ask myself, why am I always alone?

Not lonely, maybe, but just… alone.

I have always been that girl.

The one who dreams big.

The one who aims for more.

Bata pa lang ako, alam ko na kung anong gusto ko.

I wanted to achieve things.

I wanted to build a name for myself.

I wanted to be independent.

And more than anything, I wanted to make something out of my life.

I wanted success.

I wanted to be proud of who I became.

So every time love came knocking, I chose my dreams.

Every time someone tried to get closer, I kept my distance.

Not because I did not feel anything.

Not because I did not want to fall.

But because I was afraid. Afraid that if I give in, if I allow myself to love, I might lose focus.

I might choose someone over myself again.

I might forget the things I promised to that younger version of me.

The little girl who used to stare at the stars and whisper her goals into the sky.

So I kept choosing my goals. One by one. Milestone by milestone.

I told myself there would be time for love later.

I told myself that if a person is meant for me, he will understand. He will wait. He will not make me choose between him and the things I am building.

And maybe that was true.

Maybe some would have waited.

But most of them didn’t.

Some left without warning.

Some stayed but slowly drifted away.

Some said they understood, but deep inside, I knew they were getting tired. And some just gave up completely.

And all I could do was watch them walk away while holding onto my dreams like they were shields. Shields I used to protect my heart.

But also shields that pushed love away. That pushed a person away.

Natakot akong mawala ‘yung sarili ko.

Natakot akong matulad sa iba na nawalan ng pangarap dahil sa maling relasyon. I was scared that if I gave in, I’d end up breaking my own heart by choosing someone else over myself. Kaya I kept my walls high. I distanced myself even when part of me wanted to stay.

Every time someone got too close, I pulled away.

Every time my heart started to feel something deeper, I reminded myself, “Hindi ito ‘yung priority ko. May goals pa ako at hindi ito ‘yung time para sa pag mamahal na yan.” And I convinced myself that if I just worked hard, if I stayed focused, I’d get everything I wanted, and later on, love will follow.

And I guess that’s the price I paid.

Yes, I reached a lot.

Yes, I earned the success I worked hard for.

I stood tall in rooms I used to dream of.

I made my name known in places

I never thought I would enter. I made my family proud. I made myself proud. And sometimes, that pride is enough to make me smile.

Sapat na sa akin yun, at alam kong napatunayan ko na sa sarili ko yon.

I’ve reached some of those dreams. I’ve accomplished a lot. I’m proud of who I’ve become. I can stand on my own. I pay for my own needs. I wake up and sleep in a bed I worked hard to afford. I make decisions for myself. I live the life I used to only dream of.

Pero bakit may kulang pa rin?

Bakit parang may nawawala pa rin?

Bakit kapag mag-isa ako, may part sa puso ko na nananahimik pero mabigat?

Yung tipo ng lungkot na hindi mo maipaliwanag.

Hindi siya iyak agad, pero ramdam mo siya sa dibdib, ramdam yung bigat.

Yung klase ng emptiness na kahit anong success meron ka, hindi niya kayang punan. Na kahit anong gawin ko na alam kong sapat ay sa pakiramdam ko hindi pa rin.

And that’s when I realized… I’ve always chosen my dreams over love.

And maybe that’s what saved me.

Maybe that’s what helped me become the person I am now.

Maybe that’s what protected me from unnecessary heartbreaks, from wrong people, from detours that could’ve ruined me.

But maybe… that’s also what made me alone.

I miss the idea of love. Hindi ‘yung romantic movie kind of love, hindi yung nasa mga libro o nasa imahinasyon ng mga tao.

I mean real love. The deep connection.

Yung may taong uuwian ka after a long day. Yung may someone kang masasabihan ng fears mo, ng small wins, ng random thoughts. Yung may tatawa sa jokes mo kahit corny. Yung may hahawak sa kamay mo sa gitna ng katahimikan at okay lang na walang sabihin. Yung may taong andiyan lang.

I used to feel that kind of love before. Pero tinulak ko palayo.

Iniwasan ko.

Sinaktan ko.

I don’t think I regret choosing myself.

I don’t regret prioritizing my growth. Because I needed to do that. I had to heal myself. I had to build myself.

I had to become whole on my own. But I think I also built walls so high na kahit ako nahirapan nang sirain. At sa tuwing mapapaisip ako ay nakakaramdama ko ng pang hihinayang at pagsisisi.

Maybe love tried to knock.

Maybe it came in small ways.

Maybe some people did care. But I was too scared to see it.

Or maybe too focused to notice.

Kaya ngayon, I just sit in this silence.

I look at my life, and I’m proud. But I’m also honest enough to admit that I feel the weight of the choices I made.

I don’t blame anyone. Wala rin naman akong pinagsisisihan.

But I wonder… if I ever allow someone in again, would I know how?

Would I even recognize real love if it stood in front of me?

Or have I trained myself so much to survive alone that I forgot how to let someone love me?

Siguro ganito talaga ang ibig sabihin ng pagiging tao. Yung kaya mong maging proud sa mga naabot mo, grateful sa lahat ng lessons at blessings, pero deep inside, may part pa rin sa’yo na parang kulang.

Yung tahimik kang nakangiti pero may lungkot sa loob.

Yung fulfilled ka naman, pero may hinahanap ka pa rin, at hindi dahil hindi sapat ang buhay mo, kundi dahil may space pa rin sa puso mo na umaasa.

Kung sakali mang dumating ulit ang pag-ibig, sana ready na ako. Sana this time, hindi ko na kailangang mamili. Sana puwede ko pa ring abutin ang mga pangarap ko habang may taong nakahawak sa kamay ko.

Yung hindi ko kailangan umiwas, hindi ko kailangan magpaliwanag ng sobra, at hindi ko kailangan ikompromiso ang sarili ko para lang mahalin.

Gusto ko ng isang taong hindi patatahimikin ang apoy sa loob ko, kundi yung sasamahan at sasabayan ako. Yung habang magkasabay kaming nangangarap, naroon pa rin ang pagmamahal. Hindi ako pipigilin. Hindi niya ako lalagyan ng limit. Imbis ay sasabayan niya ako habang nilalakbay ko ang mundo ko.

Pero kung hindi man iyon mangyari, kung wala pang darating na ganung klase ng pagmamahal, pipiliin ko pa rin ang sarili ko.

Kahit tahimik ang daang tinatahak ko, akin pa rin ito.

At sa katahimikan na ito, natutunan kong pakinggan ang sarili ko.

Natutunan kong mahalin ang lakas ko.

Natutunan kong kilalanin ang halaga ko kahit walang tumitingin.

At siguro balang araw, sapat na ‘yon. Sapat na para manatili ang tamang pag-ibig.

Yung pag-ibig na hindi ko kailangang habulin.

Yung hindi ko kailangang palitan ang sarili ko para lang manatili siya. Yung pag-ibig na hindi ako kailanman paliliitin.

Kasi ngayong mas kilala ko na ang sarili ko, alam ko na rin kung anong klase ng pagmamahal ang deserve ko.

At sana, sa tamang oras, mas isang tao na mag papatunay sa akin na karapat dapat pa rin akong mahalin.