One Bed, No Boundaries

Kabanata 11

FLASHBACK (college days) : RYEN

I never thought I would be the one to leave.

I always believed na kapag mahal mo ang isang tao, kakayanin mo lahat.

I thought love was about staying even when it hurts, sacrificing even when it’s heavy, and holding on kahit paunti-unti ka nang nauubos.

I believed in love so much that I let it blind me from the pain.

At first, he was sweet. He made me feel special. He called me beautiful every day. He sent long messages, gave small surprises, and told me he would never leave. Sobrang kinilig ako sa atensyon na naibibigay niya. Sobrang na-appreciate ko yung effort niya. He made me feel like I mattered.

But slowly, things changed.

Hindi biglaan. Ngunit nakaka bigla.

Little things shifted.

He started deciding things for me. What I should wear. Who I should talk to. Where I should go. And when I tried to speak up, he would turn it around and say things like, “I am just protecting you” or “I know what is best for you.” And he would make me feel guilty for having my own opinions.

Kapag may hindi kami pagkakaintindihan, ako palagi ang nag-aadjust.

I was always the one to apologize, even when it was not my fault. Always.

He never shouted at me. He never raised his hand. But his words cut deeper than anything else.

He knew exactly how to make me feel like I was being too much.

He made me feel like I was lucky to have him. He made me feel like no one else would love me the way he did. Na yun yung tamang pagmamahal, na wala ng mag ta tyaga sa akin, sa katulad ko.

I started changing. Hindi ko na napapansin pero iba na ako. I stopped sharing my problems with others, I stopped telling my friends what’s happening to me.

I stopped doing things I loved.

I stopped speaking up.

I stopped being myself.

I started walking on eggshells around him.

I became smaller just to fit into the space he gave me.

Alam kong napapansin na nila ang pag babago at pagiging distant ko pero hindi sila nag tatanong o nangungulit sa kung no na nga ba ang nangyayari sa akin. But I know deep down, nag aalala sila, nag tataka at naninibago sa nangyayari.

I know that they are just waiting for me to open up, to tell them directly and to share what’s my problem and what’s happening to me. Pero hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko pa kaya at hindi ko alam kung kailan ko kakayanin.

Ni hindi ko nga pinaalam sakanila na may boyfriend ako. So how do I tell them na nasasaktan ako dahil sa boyfriend ko? Nang dahil sa ibang tao na hindi naman nila kakilala.

I stayed because I loved him.

I stayed because I believed he would change.

I stayed because I thought if I loved him more, he would treat me better.

But the more I stayed, the more I lost myself.

Then one night, I looked at myself in the mirror.

My eyes were tired. My face looked empty. Parang wala nang laman ang katawan ko. Parang wala nang sigla. Parang nawala na yung dating ako.

And in that quiet moment, I realized I was breaking. Not all at once, but slowly, every single day.

The moment when Davian picked me up sa play ground. That’s when I realized. I had to leave.

Not because I stopped loving him, but because I finally started loving myself.

“Can we talk for a sec?” Seryosong sambit ko kay Lucas matapos siyang puntahan sa kaniyang condo at mukhang ako ang na surpresa pag pasok ko.

He’s with Mara, her best friend. And they were making out.

“What the?” Gulat kong sambit.

“R-ryen.” Gulat na sambit ni Mara habang si Lucas ay seryoso ang tingin sa akin na para baang nakaka abala ako sa ginagawa nila ni Mara.

He told me, they were studying. Nag send pa siya ng proof na picture sa akin tapos makikita ko ngayon, dalawa lang sila?

“I thought you were studying huh?” Nakangiti kong sambit.

Masyado na ata akong naka adopt sa pananakit niya to the point na kahit tumama ang hinala ko ngayon ay wala na rin akong maramdaman pang kahit na anong sakit.

Namamanhid na ata ako sa sobrang sakit ng nararamdaman ko.

“Why are you here?” Sambit ni Lucas at mabilis akong hinatak palayo kay Mara.

“I said, can we talk for a sec?” Seryosong sambit ko na para bang hindi ko sila nakitang nag hahálikan sa ay couch.

“Ano bang kailangan mo? Hindi ba sabi ko busy ako?” Inis niyam sambit kaya bahagya akong napatawa.

“Busy? Busy saan? Sa pakikipag hálikan sa sinabi mong kaibigan mo lang habang may girlfriend ka?” Natatawa kong sambit habang naka titig sakanya. Mata sa mata.

“Shut up.” Seryoso niyang sambit kaya napa taas ang aking kanang kilay.

“We're over.” Sambit ko dahilan para bigla siyang matigilan.

“What did you just say?” Sambit niya at ramdam ko sa boses niya na may halo itong saya.

This Goddámn jérk.

“Hindi ko na uulitin.” Sambit ko.

“Wow, finally you’re awake? Tagal ah.” Tumatawang sambit ni Mara na ngayon ay naka lingkis na sa braso ni Lucas na akala mo naman hindi galing sa agaw ang lalaki niya.

“Took you so long.” Sambit ni Lucas na namamangha.

Hindi na ako nag salita at umalis nalang. This is too much for me.

Every step felt like my chest was being pulled. Pero habang lumalayo ako, pakiramdam ko humihinga na ulit ako. It still hurt, but I felt a strange peace. For the first time in a long time, I chose myself.

Nang maka labas ako sa condo ni Lucas ay laking gulat ko ng makita ko si Davian.

Holy shít.

What is he doing here?

“Bakit nandito ka?” Tanong ni Davian sa akin at mukhang napansin na umiiyak ako kaya agad na napalitan ng pag aalala ang ekpresyon niyang gulat kanina.

“Galing lang sa kaibigan ko.” Palusot ko at nag iwas ng tingin.

“Dito pala bago mong condo?” Tanong ko nang maalala na bumili siya ng bagong Condo.

“Ah oo.” Sambit niya habang naka titig sa akin. Para akong malalagutan ng hininga dahil sa kaba na aking nararamdaman.

Hindi na ako muling naka pag salita ng hitakin ako ni Davian papasok sa condo niya at saka ako mahigpit na niyakap.

At dahil doon ay tuluyan ng bumagsak ang luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilang bimagsak.

I felt safe in his presence, in his arms.

Hindi nag sasalita si Davian pero ramdam ko ang pag aalalaga niya sa akin. I was just crying while hugging him.

Sobrang sakit, sobrang hirap.

Deserved ko bang masaktan ng ganito?

Deserved ko bang lokohin at pag laruan kahit na ang binibigay ko naman sakila ay mabuting pag trato at genuine na pag mamahal?

Karapat dapat ba akong ipag palit sa girl best friend? Karapat dapat ba akong paglaruan?

I do not know what the future holds. I do not know if I will fall in love again. But this time, I will never lose myself just to keep someone else. This time, I will choose love that does not hurt me. Love that does not silence me. Love that feels like home.

I did not expect to see it with my own eyes.

Hindi ko alam kung mabait pa rin ba si Lord para ipakita sa akin mismo ng harapan kung paano mag loko si Lucas at para mas matauhan ako o talagang sadya na saktan ako para matauhan na.

All I could do was breathe, and feel the slow breaking of my heart.

I was literally blinded by him. By his words, and the way he makes me feel.

Akala ko ganon ang pag mamahal, akala ko ay normal iyon sa sa isang relasyon. Akala ko ganon lang talaga.

Pero hindi, kailan man ay hindi naging tama ang pag cheat. Hindi kailan man naging tama ang panloloko at pakikipag laro sa nararamdaman ng tao.

What Lucas and Mara did was wrong. Pero wala na akong magagawa kundi tanggapin dahil nangyari na, at mismong nasaksihan ko pa.