One Bed, No Boundaries

Kabanata 5

COLLEGE DAYS : RYEN

I think it started with the small things. Hindi ko man agad napansin, pero unti-unti akong nahulog. Sa paraan niya ng pagtawag sa pangalan ko, sa pag-alala niya kahit sa maliliit na bagay na hindi ko inaakalang mahalaga, sa bawat pagkakataong nariyan siya kahit hindi ko siya tawagin. He became part of my every day without even trying. Kahit anong sabihin ko, kahit magkunwari pa ako, I knew. I felt it. I was falling for my best friend. I was falling for Davian.

But falling in love with him is not always beautiful. Especially when you carry a pain so deep, you can’t explain it to anyone. Hindi nila alam na may mabigat akong dinadala. Hindi nila alam na once, I gave everything to someone who promised to stay. And in the end, I was left with nothing but a broken version of myself.

Sobra akong nasaktan, sobra akong nawala sa sarili ko. I trusted someone completely, only to be reminded how cruel love can be. Kaya simula noon, I built walls. Thick ones. High ones. Walls that made me feel safe. Walls that made me believe I’d never be hurt again.

Then he came into my life.

At first, I thought it was just another friendship. Masaya lang siyang kasama, magaan lang siyang kausap. Pero habang tumatagal, he became my comfort. My peace. My home. Doon ako nagsimulang matakot. Kasi alam kong kapag naging totoo sa nararamdaman ko, mawawala ang lahat ng safety na binuo ko para sa sarili ko.

I was scared that if I let him in, he would end up hurting me too. Not because he wants to, but because people leave. And I could not survive another heartbreak.

So I stayed quiet.

Kapag may ginagawa siyang sweet, I would smile but change the topic. Kapag napapatingin siya ng matagal, I’d look away and pretend I didn’t notice. Kapag nagiging malalim na ang usapan, I’d turn it into a joke. Kapag parang may gusto siyang sabihin, I’d interrupt and shift the moment somewhere lighter. Hindi ko siya binibigyan ng pagkakataong umamin. At the same time, hindi ko rin siya binibigyan ng malinaw na sagot.

Because the truth is, I feel the same way. I just don’t know what to do with it.

He probably thinks I don’t see his silent efforts. But I do. I see how he listens to every word I say. I see how he remembers the smallest details about me. I see how he stays when everyone else leaves. And every time I see those things, my heart breaks a little more. Not because I don’t love him, but because I do. And yet, I cannot show it.

Minsan naiisip ko, ang unfair ako. Sobrang unfair ko.

Kasi habang siya, tahimik na nagmamahal, ako naman, tahimik na umiiwas. Parang ako na rin mismo ang pumipigil sa sarili kong maging masaya. I keep pushing away the very thing I want the most. Love.

His love. And it’s painful, kasi araw-araw ko siyang kasama pero hindi ko siya tunay na mahawakan. Araw-araw ko siyang tinititigan pero hindi ko masabing mahal ko siya. Araw-araw akong nagpapanggap na hindi ako apektado, kahit sa loob-loob ko, I’m screaming.

There are nights I cry myself to sleep. Hindi dahil sa ginawa niya. Pero dahil sa ginagawa ko.

I am the reason why there’s distance between us. I am the reason why his love remains hanging, unspoken, unanswered.

And he never pressures me.

He never asks for anything.

He just… waits.

And that makes it harder.

Kasi mas pinipili niyang intindihin ako kahit wala siyang idea kung anong pinagdadaanan ko.

He’s patient.

He’s kind.

And I don’t deserve that kind of love.

Not right now.

Kaya mas pinipili kong maging malamig. Mas pinipili kong tumawa sa mga moments na dapat ko nang seryosohin. Mas pinipili kong iwasan ang mga titig na tila humihiling ng sagot. Kasi kung hayaan kong maramdaman ang lahat, baka bumigay ako. At kapag bumigay ako, baka masira ko lang ang lahat. I cannot risk losing him, even if that means never having him.

I ask myself over and over again, until when will I keep hiding?

Until when will I let fear dictate what I deserve?

I know I won’t always feel this scared. I know one day, I will be brave enough to open up. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday, I will be.

For now, all I can do is keep loving him silently.

I will hold on to the hope that he still sees through my walls.

That despite my distance, he knows I care.

And that maybe, when the time is right, when my heart is finally ready, I’ll run to him. Not away from him.

Because what we have, kahit hindi pa malinaw ngayon, is something I want to fight for.

Someday.

When I’m ready and he’s still there.

“Tapos na ang klase.” Bulong ni Annaya kaya bahagya akong tumango.

Sa sobrang lalim ng iniisip ko ay hindi ko na halos naalala na nasa klase nga pala kami kaya hindi na rin ako nakapakinig.

“May notes ba kayo? I forgot to take down some notes.” Seryosong sambit ko.

Ang huling narinig ko kasi ay we will having a long quiz tomorrow about the lesson kanina, ang problema ay hindi naman ako nakinig.

“Meron, I’ll just send you the files. Sa ipad ako nag take down ng notes e. Si Annaya rin.” Sambit ni Saraih.

“Go lang, ipad din naman gagamitin ko pang review.” Sambit ko at tumango.

“Annaya pasend din.” Sambit ko habang nag lalakad kami.

May isa pa kaming class after lunch, last one and tapos na kami.

“Katagal naman nung tatlo.” Naka ngusong sambit ni Saraiah at mukhang gutom na.

“Tayo na kasi mag order ng pag kain nila. Alam naman natin kung ano gusto ng mga yon.” Sambit ko at pilit na inaaya sila Annaya tutal naman ay naiinip na sila.

“Sige na nga, iwan nalang natin gamit natin.” Pag suko ni Annaya at wala na rin nagawa kundi ang sundin ako.

Nang makarating kami sa harap ay ino order ko na ang usal order ko, pati na rin ang kay Davian. Ganoon din naman ang ginawa nila Annaya.

Nag dalawang balik pa kami since hindi namin kaya na pag sabay sabayin, thank God at mabait ang nasa likod namin na naka pila dahil sa medyo delay.

“Wow, himala may pag kain na.” Tumatawang sambit ni Davian. Sanay kasi sila na sila ang nag oorder at kaming girls ang naiiwan sa table.

“Maaga kasi dismissal namin, naiinip yung dalawa kakahintay sainyo dahil gutom na kaya inaya ko na mag order nalang.” Sambit ko habang inaayos ang aming lamesa.

“Ano ini order niyo?” Takang tanong ni Achilles.

“Just the usuals.” Sambit ko saka umupo.

“Kumuha ng tubig and drinks yung dalawa, ako na kako mag aayos dito since ang alam ko ay wala pa kayo dito.” Sambit ko.

Nang maka balik si Annaya at Saraiah ay nag simula na rin kaming kumain. Start na rin ng practice ni Annaya kaya todo support kami ni Saraiah at talagang pinapanood siya.

“Anong oras tapos ng class niyo?” Tanong ko kila Davian.

“Around 5.” Sambit niya.

“Sabay sabay umuwi ha? Almost 6 kasi tapos ng practice practice nila Annaya.”Sambit ni Saraiah habang kumakain.

“Sige.” Sambit ni Achilles.

“Hirap talaga lumunok ‘no Noah?” Tumatawang sambit ko nang mapansin na suma side eye si Noah habang nakikinig sa amin.

“Ay tigilan mo yan, kanina pa walang kibo yan.” Saway ni Davian kaya mas lalo akong napangisi.

Kabisado ko ugali ni Noah, I know he’s jealous dahil ganiyan din ako kung paano mag selos. Para tuloy akong nananalamin, at yun ang pinaka nakakatawa.

“I know.” Tumatawa kong sambit at saka sumubo ng aking pag kain.

“ANong oras klase niyo?” Tanong ni Saraiah.

“2 pa naman. Nood tayo sa practice ni Annaya.” Pang aasar ko habang naka tingin kay Noah.

“Wag na manood, baka matapilok pa yung isa diyan at mapalakas ang tawa ko.” Naka ngising pambabara ni Noah kaya napa irap nalang si Annaya.

“Wag bumoses ang bitter ha.” Depensa ni Annaya sabay irap na mas ikinatawa ko.