Emergence of Verity

TROUBLED

I woke up back on my loft bed at the tree house. Gramps might have carried me here all the way from his room. I feel so flustered cause I know that I am too heavy for him to carry. I tried to slack off and sleep more but the birds chirping outside seemed to annoy my sensitive ears.

I opened my eyes and watched as the sliver of sunshine seep through the small hole surrounding my tree house. Everything here feels like home to me that I want to stay here like this forever, somehow forgetting my tantrums yesterday. I went outside feeling guilty for slacking off and not helping out. I saw Portus wiping the table before Gramps put down the scrumptious breakfast. I can smell the roasted chicken and boiled potatoes from here. "Good morning!" Gramps greeted me with the warmest smile. I smiled back awkwardly, still not getting used with this sweet gramps. "Sit down, I'll just get the plates then we'll eat." Gramps said as he tapped the seat and walked away smiling while humming to a tune, I can't remember what. I noticed Portus watching me as I walked closer to the table. "Hey." he greeted me with. "Hey." I replied same with his non-energetic greeting. "I'm sorry bout-" "No, it's fine!" I cut him off. "Great. So, were good?" he asked timidly. "Yeah, sure." I replied without meaning it.

We finished our delightful breakfast quite comfortably. I stood and walked towards the bench beneath the santol tree I didn't realize existed until today. I was feeling too comfortable that I'm starting to feel uneasy. Life has never been this easy for me. No matter how satisfying it is to stay here like this, I feel scared thinking how much I like it the way it is.

"You alright?" Portus asked as he approached me. "You don't look well." He continued as I looked at him quite troubled. "Do you read minds?" I asked instead of answering him. "You don't think people pay attention to you, don't you?" he laughed as he sat down beside me. "Our thoughts can be darker than a star-less night sky." He stared at me with his caring eyes.

"How can life be so cruel? It's as if you wake up every day to fight a battle for survival only to die all over again." I lamented. "But life isn't worth living when you'll just die anyway. So why live at all if you'll just suffer anyway?" I grieved further without wanting an answer. "Thinking of what could have been if you're not going to live today's hell? You should be laughing while playing around and making a fool of yourself instead of thinking too much." He chortled. "What's the use if at the end of the day you're gonna sit alone with your thoughts and all these demons come rushing back at you. Ready to take you down piece by piece." I said thinking out loud. "But you aren't alone, I am here with you." He said as he looked at me with a paining worry in his eyes. "I've always wanted to hear that. But you abandoned me when I needed you most." I confessed even though I know how painful it is for him to hear those words but he didn't say anything. "Everyone did." I added. "I'm sorry." He finally said. "I wanted to hear you say that for so long." I said once more as I watched him blankly staring far off place.

"How do you wake a person faking their sleep?" I know I asked something so random watching his reaction. "You can't if that person didn't want to." He answered as if I asked a sensible question. "Just like perceiving people's ingenuine care." I thought out-loud.

"You have the vaguest thoughts Tati; I don't even know where they're coming from." Portus just said as a response; stood up and walked away. Yup, that's more like the Portus I know.

I felt afresh the pain I felt last night as he abandoned me once more, making me realize that somehow, I am still alive to feel such. Just as I stood, I saw gramps carrying heavy objects wrapped and packed with dried banana leaves. "Need a hand?" I giddily asked as I approached trying to hide my burdening thoughts.

"These are heavy, but I'd be glad if you could." He said to me smiling quite peacefully. I carried the unknown packs with him, although I know I was barely of help; more like a nuisance really. "I'm sorry, I'm not much of help." I admitted awkwardly. "You made carrying these bearable, and that's a lot of help already." Gramps whispered as he continued walking towards the silo; just behind the wash area. "I didn't know this thing existed." I thought out loud trying to silence these echoing words: It is bearable just because I was there even though I'm not much of help. Somehow, these words echoed repeatedly inside my head.

"Sit, I'd like you to try the pickled apples we made last week." Gramps exclaimed quite enthusiastically. "We pickled some apples?" I asked just to reply. "Not just some, they're a lot!" he said excitedly as he hopped up the ladder. "Here, catch!" He said as he threw me a small sealed jar taken just above the larger jars.

"Go on, go on. Try some!" He jumped off the ladder and sat excitedly just beside me. It was a childhood nostalgia when I tasted the sweet and sour taste of the pickled apples. "Why are you crying?" he said noticing the tears building up my eyes. "Nothing." I said as I blinked my eyes and looked around.

"Heavy burdens become bearable if you have someone to share it with. Go on, tell me." Gramps insisted. "It's nothing, really." I said then laughed awkwardly. "You can't keep running away. That's not living at all. Stop distancing yourself from vulnerability. Confront everything bare-faced then you'll truly appreciate what life has to offer. Living isn't as bad as you think it is." He uttered thinking out loud then hummed to a tune I seem to recognize but can't point out.

Looking around, trying to find a topic to talk about. I realized that he started humming to Don Mclean's Castle in The Air. "That's your favorite song!" I exclaimed giddily finally sharing something I somehow knew. "Oh, you recognized it." He said while looking at me with his twinkling eyes as he started singing his favorite part.

"Hills of forest green where the mountains touch the sky

A dream come true, I'll live there 'til I die

I'm asking you, to say my last goodbye

The love we knew, ain't worth another try

Save me from all the trouble and the pain

I know I'm weak but I can't face that girl again

Tell her the reasons why I can't remain

Perhaps she'll understand if you tell it to her plain

Oh, but how can words express the feel of sunlight

In the morning in the hills away from city strife

I need a country woman for my wife

I'm city born but I love the country life."

"You have to forgive yourself. You can't keep blaming yourself from faults you know nothing of and keep living a miserable life. Live the life you wanted; I am saying this once more; seek your happiness." He said comforting my woes.

I was a scared-y cat who's used to cowering in fear of embarrassment and shame. I keep reminding myself that I had all the good things I didn't deserve; everything was never meant for me. So, I believed I was doing myself a favor when I decided to isolate myself from the world; pretending I was a cold-hearted person who does not care about anyone or anything, hoping I can protect myself from hurting.

I had all my chances wasted, piece by piece I realized how unlucky I am of who I had become. I have lost all the people I have loved and all the people who had loved me just because I was too scared for myself to be broken all over again. I had lost the life I had dreamt inside my head just because I was scared of failure without realizing that not trying is a failure itself. If I had known vulnerability, I would have jumped off in every opportunity without looking back on faces of judgements and humiliation. Now I'm regretting all my actions, and I feel stuck just because Im too scared to go back and right my wrongs, stuck because all I got left was regret. That each step for me never meant forwards, it meant sinking. Deeper and deeper I sink with both my feet. Each grain of sand swallowing me whole, cutting through my very skin. I feel sorry for my helplessness.

I went back to my tree house and didn't realize I fell asleep until I heard a knock calling me out for dinner. I woke up feeling dizzy perhaps it's because I didnt have lunch. "Go on, eat up." Gramps said as he offered me a plate upon approaching the table. "We already ate." He added as if he heard the question I asked in my head. "Thanks." I ate the chocolate rice pudding he always makes whenever I cried as a child. He really knows how to comfort me.

After eating I went back to bed and the same thoughts came clouding my troubled head. I couldn't sleep perhaps because I slept the whole day. I stood and looked over the scribbles on the messy table. I just noticed that the scribbles weren't scribbles at all. They were letters, unproportionate letters of an unknown language. It's like a kid who doesn't know how to write wrote it. I can see frustrations over the unreadable letters written. I didn't realize the tears rolling down my cheeks once I realized what these scribbles meant to me. It was when my mom was busy making my favorite rice pops, I was jealous of my sister having a beautiful handwriting when I couldn't write myself. I wanted to learn so bad that I feel frustrated not being able to. I should have been gentler to myself. I should have known I'll learn it on my own time. I shouldn't have rushed growing old; I should have enjoyed being messy and unruly. I should have lived like how a child have lived; clumsy, disorderly, and rowdy. I didn't know how much I would love to be so careless that I'll get s*****d and asked to kneel down as a punishment. I wish I lived how life should be lived.

I broke down crying. I had forgotten my purpose, my reason. How did I become so naïve? I had been flowing freely for so long that I drifted farther away from my path; the path I had in my head for so long, the dream I stained and cut my hands into building. I was heartbroken from a lost hope, having lost my way far too long; taking unnecessary detours. I should have been more careful.

I walked away feeling dejected from my childhood memories that seemed to haunt me quite a lot lately. I cried a river again tonight, soaking my newly clothed pillows, as my eyelids slowly flutters the tears down my cheeks. I am sinking so deep that I didn't have the choice to get up anymore. But still I awoke the next morning, and the next, and the next morning after that. Doing the same tiring routine of waking, eating, crying then sleeping.

I was at war with my own head. I don't know if it's worth the risk to fight a losing battle. How do I survive when it gets harder each day to wake up in the middle of the day hopelessly wondering what I'll be doing today? Reminding myself of yesterday's restless bedtime. Waking up each day wishing I didn't; the burden just gets heavier. Courage was taken over with fear. Confidence was eaten by insecurities. Hope's have died fighting the demons obscuring my head. Even positivity has surrendered. How do you continue if only death is waiting for you? But how do you face death fearing another consequence of your action? I'm getting a little more hopeless that I have nothing left to do, but ask for it all to end.

But I am reminded how my prayers were never answered. I was never given the things I longingly asked for. I begged and begged for a better day to come at me, to present me with all the people I'd be grateful to stay alive with. But I never realized I have nothing to start with anyway. I don't want this life anymore. No, I didn't deserve this life.

I have lost the battle inside my head. I wouldn't have given up if I had forgiven myself earlier. I would have moved forwards if only I was courageous enough to brave my fears. I took the last ounce of courage left with me. I took the shiniest, most glimmering dagger I found on my messy desk, with a soft swish, the sharp edges glided smoothly against my roughly maintained scarred skin. A sharp piercing pain hit me, along with the null warm blood flowing from my veins. Realizing what I had done, I slowly sat back down to the cold floor where I was crying a few moments ago. The pain is excruciatingly unbearable but somehow fills me with overwhelming joy.

I was numb to the cold floor when I heard hurried footsteps coming at my tree house. Hoping someone out there would save me from myself. "Tati!" It was Portus carrying daffodils on his left hand. He run towards me and held me with his warm right arm. He held me so tight I had seen a glint of hope right then. I was crying but still told him to let go.

"I wont! Please Tati! Stay with me!" he whispered quite hurriedly. "Gramps!" he shouted loud enough that I get to stay awake even though I feel nauseous from all the blood that's left my wrist. "Gramps!" he shouted once more but now with more urgency. "What happened?" Gramps greeted us with panic. "What did you do? What have you done?" Gramps anxiously asked repeatedly. I lost consciousness before I realized what they did to save me.

I woke up still comprehending what I had done. I saw gramps worried face looking at me. "You shouldn't have saved me. I didn't deserve this life." I cried feeling so much shame and guilt somehow. "It would have been better that way-" "No, it wasnt any better." He cut me off before I could even finish. "Why?" he asked as if he was about to cry. "I'm sorry." I acknowledged my mistake guiltily. "I broke down and didn't know what to do. I'm sorry! I thought everything would be better for me that way. It's just too painful for me." I answered as gramps watched me. "That's how you live. You risk getting hurt." He uttered randomly seizing me for a tight embrace.

"But I don't want to live nor get hurt – "Please don't do it again." He advised sternly but smiled his gentlest painful smile. "You can't keep hurting people who loves you like that." He counselled still smiling painfully before leaving me with my thoughts. "Call me when you need me." He told me as he takes his leave.

I was anxiously sitting down my loft bed when Portus entered holding the same daffodils. He sat on my bed and reached for a glass jar sitting on my bedside table and arranged the daffodils inside. "I'll help you if you want to leave this place. But please don't do it again, I'm sorry if I said you were selfish I just thought you'll leave me all over again." He confessed. "I had to. I just realized this is not the place for me. I knew I had to go back." I said with my most calm voice.

"Then why did you do that if you wanted to go back? You know you won't be able to go back by doing that." He explained as if he knows everything. "Then tell me how do I go back?" I inquired. "I'll tell you when you get better." He smiled as he stood and turned to leave.