Hard to Love (Villaraza Series #1)

Kabanata 3

“You’re what? You’re breaking up with me?”

I feigned a sad face. “Yeah.” I bowed my head and silently prayed he bought everything I said. “We’re not going to work. Let’s . . . let’s break up, Benj. Ayoko na.”

It took him seconds before he spoke. “We were doing fine, Seraf. H-how . . .” I heard him sigh. “We were working! And you suddenly want out? Seraf naman . . .”

Pinigilan kong mapairap. Akala ko pa naman madaling makipagkalas sa kanya. He was a playboy, a notorious one. Linggo-linggo ay papalit-palit siya ng mga babae. Sana lang ay pakawalan niya ako kagaya kung gaano niya kadaling bitiwan ang mga naunang babae niya.

I lifted my head. And just like that, my annoyed face disappeared. Muling nagbalik ang malungkot kong mukha.

“I don’t want a playboy for a boyfriend.” I dramatically shook my head. “Before this feeling gets deeper, gusto ko nang mapigilan. I can’t afford a heartbreak, B-Benj. I can’t . . .”

Gusto kong masuka sa mga salitang lumalabas sa bibig ko!

“Seraf,” his face softened and he trapped my face between his hands. “I know I was a jerk. I know I had a fair share of women I dated before you. But none of those women made me feel the way I feel for you.”

He acted really well. Napatunayan ko kung bakit marami nga ang nahuhulog sa kanya. He spat flowers. Magaling ang bibig niya sa panloloko ng mga babae. Naranasan ko kung gaano siya kahayup magpaikot. He knew everything to know for a girl to fall for him.

Pero hindi ako isa sa mga babaeng iyon.

“You don’t have to stop yourself, Seraf. I’m more than willing to drown with you.” His voice was hoarse. “And breaking your heart is the last thing I have in mind.”

Damn it. Was he for real?

“I like you. Seraf, I never liked a girl this much. Ikaw palang,” patuloy niya. “Please, just please. I like this feeling. I love this feeling. Ngayon lang ako nakaramdam nang ganito. Huwag mo namang ipagdamot sa’kin ‘to.”

Gusto kong sabihing kahit anong gawin niya, makumbinsi man ako o hindi, hindi pa rin magbabago ang katotohanang hinding-hindi ako magkakagusto sa kanya.

“Benj . . .” The frustration in my voice wasn’t faked. Inalis ko ang mga kamay niya sa aking mukha. “Ayoko na! I want out! Why can’t you just let me go?”

His forehead creased. “Hindi mo ba ‘ko narinig? I told you, I like you, too! What’s the reason for us to break up when we feel the same way? Nagdududa ka pa rin ba sa’kin?”

I bit my lower lip. Naiirita na ako. Mukhang tumatak na sa isip niyang gusto ko siya. Ngali-ngali kong isigaw kung bakit bigla ko siyang sinagot gayong alam naming pareho na iritang-irita ako sa kanya noon. Abot-abot ang pagpipigil kong gawin iyon. My friends and I agreed earlier that as much as possible, dapat hindi niya malaman na ginamit namin siya para sa laro namin. They still wanted to be friends with him even after the breakup. Why? Simple.

Malapit si Benj sa ArFa. He was of use to them.

But everything was at my disposal. If he pushed my button harder, baka hindi na talaga ako makapagpigil na isigaw sa kanya ang katotohanan.

“Yes .” Huminga ako nang malalim. “You’re a playboy. And a playboy will always be a playboy. I’m breaking up with you whether you like it or not.”

Pumalatak siya. “Then give me another chance to prove to you that I’m worth your first try, Seraf.”

Napangiwi ako. Right. He thought he was my first boyfriend. Iyon kasi ang pinalabas namin ng mga kaibigan ko. Little did he know, he was the eleventh guy.

“Please give me another chance, Seraf,” he begged. “I will do everything to deserve you.”

Umiling-iling ako. Gone the façade I built. “We’re over, Benj. Ayoko na.”

“Hindi ko pa rin maintindihan,” aniya. “Seraf, you’re killing me.”

“Then, I’m a killer.” My eyes went blank. “Huwag mo nang subukan pang ayusin ‘to. You’ll waste your time.”

“Damn it, Seraf.” He bit his lower lip. “Now that you’re here, now that you conquered my system, sa tingin mo ba magkakaoras pa ‘ko sa ibang babae? Wala akong ibang babae no’ng tayo dahil ano pang silbi nila na sa’yo palang, sobra-sobra na!”

When the time comes, I’ll tell you how cringeworthy these lines are.

“Tama na, Benj,” I dismissed. “This conversation is going nowhere.”

I was about to turn my back against him when he held my hand. Frustration, anger, and disbelief were dancing in his eyes.

“Seraf, please . . .” His voice cracked. “I like you. I can’t just let you go like this. I never wanted any girl to stay in my life like how much I want you to.”

“That isn’t my problem anymore.” Marahas kong inalis ang pagkakahawak niya sa akin.

It was a relief he didn’t try again to stop me from walking away. I desperately wanted to be far away from him.

Habang naglalakad palayo ay sumagi sa isip ko ang mawawalang pera sa akin bukas. One thousand pesos times three. I bit my lower lip. Mababawasan nang matindi ang allowance ko para sa linggong ito!

It was only two days before our supposed to be a week after we became a couple. Pero dahil ayoko na talaga, nakipagkalas na ako. And because of that, I had to fine.

Nang nakita ako ng mga kaibigan ko na noon ay nakaabang sa hindi kalayuan ay agad silang lumapit sa akin. All were excited for me to spill the beans.

“So . . .” Jianne trailed off.

Huminga ako nang malalim. “I don’t think it was successful, girls.”

“Bakit?” usisa ni Jianne. “Hindi siya pumayag?”

Umismid ako. “He said he fell for me. Ridiculous, right?”

Tumawa ako. But my laughter died down immediately when they didn’t laugh with me. Nagkatinginan pa silang tatlo. Animo ay nag-uusap sila sa pamamagitan ng kanilang mga mata.

“What?” untag ko sa kanila. “Iniisip niyo ‘yong multa ko? Oo na! Bukas na bukas din, isasampal ko sa mga mukha niyo!”

“Sinabi niya talaga ‘yon?” Samantha’s eyes raked my body from head to toe, totally ignoring my assumption.

“Oo nga,” iritadong kumpirma ko. “Akala niya siguro maloloko niya ako sa mga gano’ng linya.” I clicked my tongue. “He’s dealing with someone like him.”

“What if . . . what if he’s telling the truth, Seraf?”

Napakunot-noo ako sa mga salitang binitiwan ni Samantha. Mas lalo akong napakunot-noo nang nakitang seryoso ang mga mukha nila.

Napapalatak ako. “What? That’s impossible! He’s a playboy! Ang mga lalaking katulad niya, magaling umarte. Baka nag-e-enjoy siyang makipaglaro sa’kin at gusto niyang magtagal pa kami.” I shook my head and grinned. “Sorry siya, ayoko na. As if I enjoyed our times together in the first place.”

“Sabi ko sainyo,” nakangising nilingon ni Jianne sina Ditas at Samantha. “hindi ako ang pinaka-playgirl sa’tin.”

“f**k you, Jianne,” mura ko sa kanya na ikinatawa nila.

“Tandaan mo ‘yong sinabi namin, Seraf.” It was Samantha. “Don’t tell him about the dare. Hindi pa namin siya nagagamit para mapalapit sa ArFa!”

Inirapan ko lamang siya at naalala bigla ang iniwan naming klase. “Ano, dito na lang ba tayo?”

Ditas groaned. “Ayoko na bumalik! Kayo?”

Samantha shook her head violently. Nagkibit-balikat lamang si Jianne.

May klase kami ngayon. Lumabas lang ako para makausap si Benj. Hindi ko naman akalain na susunod sila sa akin.

“Ite-text ko na lang si Brenda na dalhin ang mga gamit natin pag-uwi niya tapos kunin na lang natin sa bahay nila mamaya,” excited na sabi ni Jianne habang abala sa cell phone niya.

“Saan naman tayo pupunta?”

“Mall,” sagot ni Ditas. “Nagugutom ako, eh. Kain tayo. I’m craving for pizza.”

“Isa-suggest ko sana na sa school ni Iñigo pero alam kong ‘di kayo papayag kaya, I will go with Ditas,” walang interes na sabi ni Samantha.

Kumibot-kibot ang mga labi ko sa sinabi niya.

“Idadamay mo pa kami sa kalokohan mo.” Inirapan ni Jianne si Samantha. “Hindi pa ba sapat ‘yong pagpunta-punta mo sa bistro kung sa’n sila tumutugtog at gusto mo naman ngayong puntahan sa eskwelahan? Naku, Samantha.”

“Hindi kasi siya kumanta no’ng Miyerkules, eh,” nakangusong depensa ni Samantha. “Si Raffy ‘yong kumanta, ‘di siya. Nag-aalala lang ako at baka nagkasakit siya. Hindi siya basta-bastang nawawala sa mga gig nila nang walang matinding dahilan.”

“‘Tang ina, maghunus-dili ka! Makaasta ka d’yan . . .” Ditas reprimanded. “Girlfriend ka ba?”

“Aray, ha.” Samantha glared at Ditas. “I care for him. Bakit ba?”

“Tumigil nga kayo! Mga puñeta na ‘to,” awat ni Jianne sa dalawa. “Pagsasampalin ko kayo, eh! Hayaan mo, Ditas, kung gustong umasa at mag-feeling! Buhay niya ‘yan.”

“Nakaka-motivate ka, Jianne,” sarkastikong komento ni Samantha. “Salamat, ah?”

“You’re always welcome.”

Napailing-iling na lamang ako. May dahilan nga talaga ang mga magulang ko kung bakit ayaw nila sa mga kaibigan ko. They had the dirtiest mouths and the most evil way of thinking.

But I loved them to the core.

We climbed a wall before we got out. Hindi kasi kami makakalabas kung sa entrance kami dadaan. The security guard wouldn’t let us since it was just quarter to three.

Tawang-tawa kami nang bumagsak sa lupa. Jianne fell bad and instead of helping her out, we laughed out loud. It took her a lot of profanities before we helped her stood up.

“This is life!” sigaw ni Samantha pagkalabas na pagkalabas namin sa taxi.

Excited na tumakbo kami papasok sa mall.

Whenever we cut classes, dito kami madalas pumunta. We shopped, we ate, and we played.

Madalas kaming man-trip kapag narito sa mall. Pampalipas-oras namin iyon.

Isang beses, d-in-are namin si Jianne na agawin iyong kinakaing ice cream ng isang batang lalaki. She ended up scolded by the kid’s mother. Naligo siya sa mura noon. That was one of the epic dares we had!

“Puta, ba’t ang mahal naman nito?” narinig kong bulong ni Samantha sa likod ko.

Binalingan ko siya. Hawak-hawak niya ang isang makapal na libro. Hindi man halata sa kanya pero may pagka-bookworm si Samantha.

Nasa isang bookstore kami ngayon. Kakatapos lang naming kumain.

“Malamang mahal ‘yan. Sikat, eh,” sarkastikong sagot ko sa bulong niya. “Bibilhin mo?”

Umiling-iling siya at ibinalik sa shelf ang libro. Nanghihinayang na pinagmasdan niya iyon. “Nag-iipon ako, eh.”

Napakunot-noo ako. May sakit ba siya? “‘Nag-iipon’? Ikaw? Naka-drugs ka ba?”

“Bakit?” She c****d a brow. “Hindi ba ‘ko p’wedeng mag-ipon, ha?”

“Hindi naman. Nakakagulat lang.”

“Well, ganyan talaga.” Her lips curved into a mischievous smile. “Ganyan talaga ang nagagawa ng pag-ibig.”

My eyebrows furrowed. “Ano?”

Mas lalong lumawak ang kanyang pagkakangiti. “Next month kasi, twentieth birthday ni Iñigo. I want to buy something for him so I need to save. I’m planning to buy him a watch.”

“Y-you really like him?”

My question was immediately answered when she smiled sweetly. “Yeah! Hindi pa ba halata?” She giggled. “Actually, I think I’m in love! You see, Iñigo is just so gorgeous and I just love his cleft chin! ‘Yong pagiging cold at snob niya, mas dumagdag appeal pa sa kanya! Mas lalo ‘ata akong nahulog no’ng nakasama natin sila no’ng isang linggo! God, I want to marry him!”

Pilit akong tumawa. “H-huwag ka nang umasa do’n! A-allergic daw ‘yon sa babae, eh . . .”

“Then, I’ll be his antihistamine.” She grinned. “Nasaan na pala ang mga kasama natin?”

I bit my lower lip. Was she serious? She liked Iñigo?

I shook my head. Hindi, hindi. Hindi puwede!

Pilit kong kinalma ang aking sarili. Samantha would always say she liked this guy then later on, hindi niya na gusto. She would claim she was in love but in just a week, iba na naman ang lalaking ikukuwento niya sa amin na iniibig niya.

Para siyang ako. Ang pinagkaiba lang namin, I never claimed I was in love. Because I was sure what we were only capable of feeling this age was infatuation. Love is for adults. That was what I believed in for years.

Until I met Iñigo.

I knew the feeling of being infatuated. Ilang beses ko na iyong nadama. Pero ang nadarama ko ngayon para sa kanya ay kakaiba. It was a shame if I would only categorize it as infatuation when I knew it was beyond and bigger than that. The feeling was extremely foreign to me.

And I was scared.

Kung hindi pa ako binalikan ni Samantha ay mananatili akong nakatanga sa puwesto ko. She dragged me out of the bookstore. Habang hawak niya ang kamay ko at panay ang salita niya, kinain ako ng aking konsensya.

She liked Iñigo. And secretly, I liked him, too.