Breathe

Ashley Its Saturday evening,unlike me ,it's the best part of the week for most of my peers ,I scroll through my feed and watch them socializing with one another as if they've known each other for forever as though they only met online Well for me it's another evening of lecture and praises at the dinner table,I watch as my parents tell me how our generation is messed up and how they did a good job raising me,it's not really a compliment because I know its directed to them.I try to comfort myself but fail again ,truth is ,I'm not really different from them ,we're most likely to be the same if I'm not worse .they spend their time surrounded by strangers who don't even care about their well being .I can't spare any judgement for myself ,we're all masking our true selfs in order to be accepted .We are scared of potential judgement or not being sufficient so we keep our true reflection tucked away safely instead .I don't know how my parents would feel if I revealed the monster inside me,the friendly monster that creeps up to me each night and tuck me in as i let anxiety,self blame and negative thoughts take over. My best friend Jay ,says she knows me better than anyone ,myself included ,I just nod in agreement ,well she does know my favorite song,how I love math and my love for novels,nonetheless she doesn't know why I don't even look at mirrors anymore ,sometimes she reminds me to tug in my shirt,which I do to keep her quiet.I no longer spend a lot of time getting ready anymore ,I don't find comfort in brushing my hair and changing my hairstyle regularly.What she doesn't know is that my soul is slowly turning into ashes It's 4am in the morning when my alarm rings to wake me up ,which is the most disturbing sound that reminds me to put on that mask again .I snooze it for another 10 minutes ,knowing very well I'll continue to snooze it repeatedly for another hour but I find the joy in snoozing it for every 10 minutes,which adds to my unconventional behavior .I don't even bother to fix myself anymore or even look in the mirror.I hate mirrors or any reflection of mine more than ever lately.It rings for the fifth time while I'm still imagining my perfect world ,where I don't have to put on any pretense. I take a deep breath and hope for the best which never occurs either way. I put on my ordinary clothes which brings no attention in my direction and put on my glasses .I take an apple and drink soda before it's even 6am which is considered unhealthy and could take a troll on my figure ,I never tie my shoes or style my brown curly hair which covers most parts of my face ,perculiary my cheeks which are bigger than 2 tennis balls ,sometimes I wish I could hide my entire face from them ,but I can't so I simply opt for a mask and act to cough when a teacher asks me to take off my mask .Now that I think about it ,never have I wanted to show the world my face ,I always tried by all means necessary to hide it,like hide my face when laughing or twitch my eye when someone looks at me for an extended period. It was never insecurities but the disgust I feel for myself....about myself. I hate the monster that stares right into my eyes when I look at the mirror so I don't try to find perfection in my flaws ,instead I go to bed and stay up until 2am trying to create a perfect illusion of myself which is far more perfect that I can ever be . Sometimes it takes more to even imagine myself that put together so I just sink in my thoughts instead. I take my backpack and it's already 8am ,I'm late again ,predictable as ever ,I run to the bus station and stop when I see the fresh tracks of the bus that just turned left .'can this get any worse'i mutter as I start dragging my feet 20miles to my school instead of going back 2blocks away and wake my father up and ask him to take me to school.I try to avoid as many interactions as I possibly can with him, I'm definitely not in the mood for our conversation which never goes anywhere ,I don't know if he's trying to convince me or himself that our relationship is thriving ,its not even close to okay ,it's inedequate so I decide to be the bigger person and ignore him first,then he follows as if he's been waiting for a head start. I start dragging my feet, following the fresh tracks which makes me feel better, like I'm part of the bus, I can see Jay kissing Carti in the back or the basketball players at the back making noice, I can almost smell the petrol inside the bus which makes me nauseas but I couldn't care less, as long as I could look outside the window the entire road, seeing those trees and cars flashing before my eyes. Some are in a rush while others are humming to the loud music. I sometimes greet the animals and kids. I try to be as kind to them as I possibly can..... before the world does it's cause before the smiles before their faces vanish... before razors become their best friends, when they throw away the little dolls because they have found bigger ones, the only contradiction is that, the future dolls are more aggressive, no one can see them, they are mean, only you can hear them, they drag you, invite you into their world, they tear you apart and meals will be skipped, shoes will be dragged and the sleeping schedule will change ..... So before it happens.... before it comes.....i will stay kind to them,that's all I can do..... Stay Kind My footsteps stop near the school gates and my thoughts are destructed by a school bell which notifies us that the period has prolonged,I don't even know what class is it ,I tug my hands into the pockets of my hoddie which are occupied by plastics but no results of my phone ,that's when I realize I forgot it in my charger. I sigh for the million time this morning and walk to class. By the laughter and unattended noise I can already know what period is it and I brace myself to take in the worst