Breathe

chapter 4

Ashley

I step out of the shower after 2 hours , I take of every piece of clothing and throw it in the bathtub ,I take an oath to never wear them again .I dry my hair and then apply lotion .I peek inside my closet to find something comfortable to sleep in,I come across my pink onsie ,pink used to be my favorite color ,it made me feel cute

I had countless pink dresses and pink little shoes, after thirteen everything changed ,pink and purple turned into black and grey ,I stopped wearing dresses ,stopped painting my walls pink ,stopped doing pony tails .i put aside the onsie and take a black one instead .I lay beside my bed and unlock my phone .i turn off my airplane mode and stunned as i see tons of messages from people i don't know and misssed calls from Jay ,i ignore the messages and call her instead ,it rings once and she picks up , " "f**k Ashley where have you been ?are you OK ?I promise to skip school and be there with you first thing in the morning" I can sense concern mixed with fear in her tone .She knows how my parents are and at this point that's all she's worried about ,not about Paxy ,not about my eccentric behaviors but how my parents reacted .

"I'm ok Jay thanks for checking up on me"I'm sure she can notice the lack of emotion behind my respond .

She sighs before speaking the next line as if it's something she's afraid to say .knowing her ,I'm sure she's pacing up and down right now or in Carti's bare chest for support.

"have you logged into your socials yet?"

"No" for some reason my hands are suddenly sweating , what's the worst that could happen ? There's a long silence before she replies ,she sighs again but this time it feels like it's a sign of relief

"OK good,please don't ,don't reply them ,don't take this seriously ,it's only a matter of time until they forget about it "

I immediately drop the call and log into my socials and then i see it ,it's all there ,an exposed video of my fight with Paxy ,it's not a fight to them ,I was an attacker ,everyone is talking about it ,my scholars say they don't feel safe around me anymore,as if I'm sort of a monster ,everyone tagged me , 'she should be locked in far away ,she's a monster #chuckymustgodown' ,'Paxy's face will never recover from that ,she tried to make Paxy as ugly as her but she couldn't even if she tried' ,'justiceforPaxy' ,'lock her in a cage so our kids can be safe ','her eyes were full of evil ,she's a cult' I look at the comments with each and every one of them tagged with my name. I can't breathe ,I can't take this ,I feel a sharp pain on my left chest ,my hands are suddenly sweating and trembling,I feel as my lungs close up with each breath I take

I've had suicidal thoughts before but never attempted it ,I was always scared of hurting myself ,i've never had the courage to pull the trigger nor drag the knife but now I feel as if it'll be better if I take an hour's time pain rather than to let anyone suffer like Paxy did. I tiptoe my way to the kitchen and open the last drawer to take out the knife ,it has always been my favorite knife ,it was the first knife to accidentally cut me in third grade , we have met again my dear friend .I silently walk back to my bedroom .I think about writing a letter to Jay and my parents ....i switch on the reading lamp ontop of my study table and try to find words to tell them why I chose an early grave but I doubt they'll understand,i'd rather spare them the pain and die silently .i walk back into my bed with a knife in my hand , my mind is filled with the comments ,the viral video and my father's words come out on top .I close my eyes and start to drag the knife across my right hand ,I take it all ,I take the pain with pleasure,it will be better for everyone. This is for you Paxy ,this is for you, Father. I start to think about how my father would react to the videos and pinch my eyes against the vivid memory of Paxy's poor face beneath me until the knife drops simultaneously with my head which hits the headboard and lands on the bed . My sheets are full of stain ,my hands are once again covered in blood but this time it's different,they're covered with the right blood. I close my eyes happily knowing I did everyone a favor,including myself.