In Between

Chapter Twenty-five

“For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.” Romans 10:10

Elijah was staring at the rough, gravel cement. He was sitting sideways at his bike. His upper body leaning down, his long legs straightened, ankles crossed and his two hands at his both sides above the seat of his bike. He was staring at the cement but not really seeing any. He just kept on staring, thinking nothing. It bizarrely felt good, thinking nothing and feeling nothing.

Perhaps, he really needed to stop thinking too much. Sad to say, he couldn’t help it.

Hindi pa sila nakakausap muli ni Neil pagkatapos nang nagyari noong isang gabi sa bahay niya. Masama ang loob nito sa kaniya at hindi pa siya nakakahingi nang paumanhin dito. Hindi niya din mapaniwalaan ang sariling muntik na siyang gumawa ng hindi tama.

He’s totally losing it. And Neil was right, Yannie wouldn’t like it, and she would be sad.

And Hairah too…

Elijah’s body stilled at the thought of Hairah. There was a twang of pain every time he remembered how Hairah flinched at his touch. He shouted at her the last time he asked him to go with him and talked about Yannie. He just wanted to say sorry. He didn’t want her to feel wrong and be seen as wrong. But, when Hairah told her that Yannie talked to her, that they talked, it caught him off guard.

Hairah didn’t say anything to him after the day Yannie died except two messages of condolences. Hairah didn’t tell anything even when he asked him to go with him at the cemetery. When she opened up, the first thing that he thought was Hairah’s kindness was just a show and for Yannie’s sake, not thinking that even before the two of them talk, Hairah was already guiding him.

He’s a jerk and a total idiot.

“A penny for your thought,” Hairah’s sweet, soft and shy voice cut Elijah’s thought.

He whipped his head at the direction of the voice. And there she was. Hairah was walking towards him, smiling softly and timidly at him, her body swaying in her white shirt, black walking shorts and white sneakers with gauze at the side of her knee that run until the half of her leg that actually not that bad at her skinny long leg. 

Elijah straightened and faced her. Hairah stopped a meter away from him.

He stared at her, his face on guard. Hairah stared too, but her smile not giving away.

“C-Can we talk?” Hairah asked in a low tone, her eyes began to look everywhere. She’s being shy and unsure.

Elijah continued to stare at her. He’d been a jerk, yet this lady took the steps to talk to him.

“Ahmm… Kun—“

“You think you could ride on my bike?” he appealed, striding towards her and stopped until she’s arm length.

Hairah looked at him surprisingly but didn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry, I’d been a jerk. I’m not think—“

“It wasn’t your fault,” she butted in, her eyes warmer.

“It wasn’t the wise thing to do,” he continued without tearing his gaze from her.

“It’s because you’re hurting.”

“It’s not an enough excuse.”

“God forgives, who am I for not to forgive also.”

Elijah flinched but didn’t say a word.

God... he thought bitteryly. Hairah always believes in Him.

“I made a mistake for not telling you about Yannie. I should say sorry too,” she added.

He hung his head. “Sorry if Yannie had to talk to you.” Hindi niya gusto ang isiping nag-usap ang mga ito sa likuran niya ngunit wala na siyang maggagawa. Nangyari na.

“She’s a strong and amazing woman. No doubt, you love her so much.” Hairah said quietly then smiled, a pained and aching smile, but Elijah didn’t see it. He also didn’t see the glimpse of sadness and pain in her eyes when he muttered, “Yeah.”

“You wanted to know what she’d tell me?” she gently asked.

“No. I think I already knew.” He sighed. “Or maybe not now.”

Tumango-tango si Hairah. “You know… she’s happy now. She’s happy with Him,” she whispered.

Elijah knew that, but the pain inside him was too much. He couldn’t accept the fact that Yannie’s already gone.

If there’s a God, why He let him suffers like this?

If He's really listening, why He let him be in pain?

Why did He gave Yannie, and the feeling to be a father, and took away all of it in one blow? Why?

Why are you setting your eyes in that way, my child?

He shook his head. “Hairah, please do me a favor?”

Naghinang muli ang mga mata nila nang tingnan niya ito. Tumango si Hairah at hindi maikakaila ni Elijah na makikita ang determinasyon at pag-asa sa mga mata ng dalaga.

But Elijah had a different idea in his mind.

“What is it?” she asked softly while tilting her head, her long soft hair moving to her shoulder.

Elijah ignored the soft movement and looked back at Hairah. “Will you stop talking about your God when you’re around?” He’s trying to put it in a gentle way, but the bitterness inside him was substantial.

Hairah blinked at Elijah’s word. Pain surged inside her and it shown in her eyes. “I’m sorry, I can’t,” she answered gently. “You know… He loves you,” she added when he didn’t speak.

Elijah’s jaw hardened. He didn’t like the pain he saw at Hairah’s eyes. To add, he didn’t like also how solid she was.

“You’re breaking His heart,” Hairah continued, her voice quivering.

Elijah remained silent, but Hairah could feel the pain and the bitterness within him. He’s in dark, and he didn’t want to get out of it. She wanted to get him out, but she didn’t know how.

Only God knows how. Oh God, help him!

Show him the way…

“Elijah, you have to understand that He’ll always—“

“Hairah, please enough,” he said, cutting her off with his rough voice.

“I won’t stop talking about Him, even you’re around,” she stated quietly and firmly while staring at him.

“You do that, but I won’t listen,” he said roughly then turned away from Hairah. He didn’t want to hurt her, but if she kept on talking about her God, her God who forsaken him, then he had to leave her alone.

“You’re also breaking my heart,” he heard her whispered softly. It’s so soft, so quiet, he almost didn’t hear it. In some part, it felt that those words weren’t for him. It's as if she was talking to herself. It just didn’t fail to make Elijah’s body gone hard that he abruptly stopped from walking.

“I know it’s hard, and I understand you, but give it a chance,” she added softly.

Elijah didn’t make a move, his body still hard as rock, and he couldn’t make his feet move.

Listen to her, Elijah…

Mabigat man ang mga paa’y humakbang si Hairah patungo kay Elijah na nakatalikod mula sa kaniya ngunit hindi para pilitin ito. Alam niyang hindi ganoon kadaling pilitin ang isang taong maniwala. Alam ni Hairah dahil kahit noong una’y hindi rin siya kaagad naniwala. She would give him time, and she would keep on praying for God to heal Elijah’s heart.

Don’t give up. Show him the way.

Hindi pinansin ni Hairah ang munting tinig na bumubulong sa isip niya. Nilampasan niya si Elijah habang pinapahid ang mga luhang hindi niya napigilang bumagsak. Naghahalo ang sakit sa loob niya. Nasasaktan siya sa nakikitang pagmamahal nito sa asawang nawala na ngunit mas masakit na makitang hindi na ito naniniwala sa Diyos.

Naramdaman ni Elijah ang pagkilos ni Hairah at dinig niya ang mga yabag nito patungo sa kaniya. Buong akala niya’y pipilitin siya nito ngunit patuloy itong humakbang hanggang malagpasan siya. Laglag ang balikat ng dalaga at bahagyang nakatungo habang naglalakad. Hindi rin nakalampas sa kaniya ang pag-angat nito ng kamay na tila ba may pinupunasan sa mukha.

Elijah frowned at her back. Is she crying? Did he done something rough again?

Don’t mind her.

Tama. Siguro mas mabuti nang iwasan na lang niya ang dalaga. Nagkakasaktanan lang sila kapag magkasama.

Hindi ka niya nauunawaan at hindi niya alam ang pinagdadaanan mo.

Gusto siyang tulungan ni Hairah pero wala itong magagawa. Hindi nito nauunawaan kung gaano kasakit ang mawalan, ang maiwan.

Pinagmasdan niya ang bawat paghakbang nito palayo. Ang hindi niya maunawaan ay ang kakaibang pakiramdam habang pinapanood itong naglalakad palayo.

Ngayon lang siya dumating sa buh— Go to her, Elijah.

Kumuyom ang kamao niya. Bakit may kirot sa dibdib niya sa tuwing pinagmamasdan itong naglalakad palayo sa kaniya?

Hindi mo kailangang mag-isa…

Bago pa maisip ni Elijah ay humahakbang na siya palapit kay Hairah. Naabutan niya ito at mabilis na nahawakan sa braso. Gulat itong napalingon sa kaniya. Nanlaki ang mga mata nito sa pagkabigla at napaawang ang mga labi, akmang may sasabihin ngunit mas piniling manahimik sabay iwas ng mga mata sa kaniya.

Hindi nagkamali si Elijah nang sapantaha. Wala na ang luha sa mga mata nito pero namumula ang gilid ng mga mata ng dalaga. At hindi lang ang pamumula ng mga mata nito ang nagpatigil sa kaniya. Ang mga mata nito... Hindi awa para sa kaniya ang nakikita niya sa mga mata nito, kundi lungkot at sakit na para bang nararamdaman nito ang nararamdaman niya.

What’s with this woman?

Let her guide you.

“B-Bakit?” tanong ni Hairah at marahang lumayo sa kaniya, sinusubukang bumitaw sa pagkakahawak niya.

“You cried,” he murmured the obvious.

“Not really,” she kept on looking away. “Please, let me go,” she mumbled as if his touch was burning her skin.

Nalipat ang tingin ni Elijah sa kamay niyang nakahawak sa malabot na braso ni Hairah at marahang binitawan iyon. Wala pang isang segundo niyang nabibitawan ito’y humakbang ito ng isa palayo sa kaniya habang nakatingin sa gilid. Hindi inaasahan ni Elijah ang reaksyon ng dalaga at hindi niya maitatangging hindi niya gustong natatakot o nagiging mailap ito sa kaniya.

“Hairah…”

“I’m here,” she said coldly, still not looking at him.

“You’re mad.”

“I’m not. I have no right to be.”

“You really believe in Him,” he uttered bitterly.

“He saves me. He’s the light to my dark path. He accepted me for who I am. Bakit hindi ako maniniwala sa Kaniya?” Lumingon ito sa kaniya habang ang isang kamay ay nakayakap sa sarili. “And He can do that for you if you’ll believe at Him.”

“I’m done believing at Him,” he laid out to her.

“You’re just confused and sad.”

“I’m not. He showed me He’s not worth it.”

Hairah flinched at his words.

“Give it a try,” she persisted, almost begging.

“I can’t,” he said, and took a step but halted when Hairah stepped back, making him frowned.

Hindi alam ni Hairah kung anong iisipin sa nangyayari sa kanila ni Elijah. Aalis na sana siya at hahayaan na lang muna ito, pansamantala. Ngunit bigla na lang siya nitong pinigilan. Hindi niya ito susukuan. Wala siyang balak sukuan ito. Ang iniiwasan niya ay ang patuloy nilang pagtatalo.

“I’m not going to hurt you, Hairah,” Elijah said softly at her though he’s frowning.

“I know.”

“Why are backing away?” he inquired, took a step again towards her, but she stepped back again. Her face went blank, and he couldn’t read her.

“I have to go.”

Elijah closed his eyes and opened it again then looked at Hairah. “Okay, I’ll take you home.” He vented, trying to be calmer.

“I can walk and our house wasn’t that far away,” she informed.

“No. Your house is twenty-minute walk from here.”

“I can manage.”

“No, you’re not.”

“May tricycle sa kabilang kanto, pwede akong magpahatid.”

Elijah planted his fist at his waist. “Inaalok kitang ihatid at sasabihin mo sa’kin na magpapahatid ka na lang sa tricycle.” Nagsisimula nang mairita si Elijah habang nakatingin sa dalaga.

“You can go home and take a rest,” she offered, and looked at the end of the parking lot, ready to move.

He sighed. “You’re mad because I called your God not worth it.”

“Half of it. Though, I don’t have the right to be mad. God has the right to, but for sure, He’s not mad at you. Perhaps, He’s hurting.”

Elijah looked at Hairah. He couldn’t believe that they’re having a nonsense talk at the side of the police station. It’s easy for him to just go and leave her be, yet he couldn’t.

He also didn’t understand why.

“Ihahatid na kita,” he said again, firmer this time.

“I don’t think, I’m the one who’s mad here,” she said as if she was talking to a child.

“Stop throwing back my words.” He began moving to her but Hairah also moved away. She managed a few steps before he caught her at her wrist. “Now, stop playing.”

Hairah faced him and gazed up at him. “I’m not playing.” She tilted her head and examined him. “Hindi kita pipiliting maniwala, Elijah. Darating ang panahon, ikaw mismo ang makakaunawa ng lahat.”

“I’m not, and it’s not going to happen,” he retorted.

“If I kept on backing away from you, and if I leave you, are you also going to hate me?” she asked softly, her eyes were hooded, and her body seemed depleted.

Elijah gaped at Hairah, and his mouth went dry. He swallowed hard. Her question struck him, big time.

“Are you trying me?” he asked roughly and let her go.

“I’m not, Elijah,” she muttered under her breathe. She slid her eyes to the side and straightened. “I’m going home. No ne—“

“You’re just trying me,” he accused.

“I’m not,” she replied back. “Why would I do that?” She added and began to stomped away.

“If I kept on backing away from you, and if I leave you, are you also going to hate me?”

Hindi kumibo si Elijah habang pinapanood na naglalakad palayo ang dalaga. Naiinis siya pero hindi niya alam kung sa dalaga o sa sarili.

Bakit ba pakiramdam niya’y may ibig ipahiwatig ang lahat ng mga salita at kilos nito? He knew she wasn’t just referring about herself. She’s referring to her God again.

“Damn it!” He cursed and kicked the rock in front of him.

Tumingin muli siya kung saan dumaan ang dalaga pero wala na ito sa paningin niya. Naiinis man ay malalaki ang hakbang niyang lumapit sa rider niya. Ilang minuto pa bago niya binuhay ang makina at pinaharurot iyon patungo sa daang tinutunton ng dalaga.

What’s with her?

*****