Fae Second Chance

Chapter 13 - I am dreaming of a white Christmas

Chapter 13

You know that voice in your head that is telling you that you are doing something extremely stupid.  Well, mine has been going off loud and often since John and I had our romantic dinner.  The next morning, I actually felt a little ashamed of myself.  I know something is off.  I know that he is up to something that is at best wrong, at worst evil.  But I do not want to admit I am married to a monster.  I want to pretend that we are just one big happy family.  I want to be the adored wife again.  I always thought I was stronger than this.  I watch the shows of the abused wife and wondered how they get themselves into those situations.  I would just leave if my man hit me.  But they don’t just hit you do they.  It starts with subtle words and then more visible actions.  By the time he is hitting you, you have been mentally and verbally abused for years.  My relationship with John is not like.  At least I hope it is not.  I keep hoping this is all a misunderstanding.  That I will wake up and everything will be like it was before he started running for all these offices.  He will be the loving man from college.  The man who held me up and encouraged me.  He thought I could do anything.  But lately all he wants is the perfect wife.  Maybe it the stress of politics or maybe I did something wrong?

I quietly crawl from the bed, so I do not wake John up.  The sun is barely rising, and I quietly cross to the bathroom.  I turn the shower on as hot as it will go.  I stand in it scrubbing my body till it is bright red and on fire.  I do not know if I am scrubbing his touch from me or punishing myself because I feel guilty letting my husband touch me.  My mind is a riot of thoughts and fears.  I finish up in the shower and dress for my day at work. 

I prep the kitchen, so all John needs to do is turn on the coffee pot and grab the microwave breakfast sandwich.  When I am sure everything is done, I write a quick note to John telling him I have to go in early today to finish a major project and I didn’t want to disturb his sleep. I signed the note ‘Love you’ and I must force myself to write the words. 

I leave the apartment as quietly as I can.  I take the long way to work by walking through the park.  By the time I arrive at the office the coffee shop downstairs is up and running.  I grab myself a large coffee.  Heading to my office to start my day grateful I will have a distraction for a few hours.  I cannot keep going through this in my mind or I will drive myself crazy.

For next 2 weeks, John is committed to texting me if he will be late.  I am happy since I can be in bed asleep before he gets home and not worry about a repeat of the other night.  I have also avoided Jordan for the last couple of weeks.  I am afraid of what she will say.  That she will be disappointed in me.  The sad part is there was a part of me that enjoyed the other night.  That enjoyed feeling like a loved and wanted wife.  I want to believe him so much.  I want to believe that he is not using me but there is this quiet voice in the back of my mind that keeps telling me something is not right, and I need to figure it out.

I throw the rag from the sink down and exit the kitchen.  I walk into the office/spare bedroom and go straight to the lock box.  It’s not big enough to hold anything more than a couple of files.  I am staring at the lock when I remember Jordan saying any words can be a spell that it is the intent behind it.  I tap the lock with my finger and think about the gears turning and unlocking.  I say something silly in my mind and wait to hear the lock click open.  I am greeted with the sound of silence. I try again and nothing happens. Frustrated I put the box back and go back to the kitchen.

As I return to the dishes, I start to think about what I know.  I now know why John is here for the government has nothing to do with this research he is doing.  I know he is working with someone else.  I know his dad knows way more than he is supposed to. I know that I am in danger if this group he works for finds out about me.  I know his dad does not know about my gift.  I am not sure if John knows about it.  I need to know who he is working for and why.  But how do I do that.  Do I follow him?  That will tell me where they are, but I can’t just walk into the building with him, can I?  I wish I could get his dad drunk and have him tell me everything, but there is no way to get his dad back here.   Not any way I can think of, with John’s mother being sick.  Maybe I can convince John to go visit his family?  The holidays are coming up.  We haven’t been there for a few years.  I could drop a hint or two.  Missing the east coast since we have been stationed here.  I know if I mention my family, he will definitely say no, but maybe I could use that.  Mention I want to be with family, he’ll prefer his to my family. Holidays and family after being gone so long.  It could work.

I know that John will disappear a night or two to visit with friends.  All I have to do is keep David’s cup filled with eggnog and wait till he is good and sloshed and start telling him I am concerned for John, and I wished I knew more.  It worked in the movies maybe it will work now.  Would it really work?  I doubt he will tell me all his deep dark secrets but maybe he will tell me something to lead me in the right direction.  Over the next week, I start my family Christmas campaign.  I needed John primed so he would readily agree.  I left the TV on the station that plays holiday movies nonstop.  I left magazines open with their Christmas ads.  I started burning the scented candles so the apartment smells like a Christmas kitchen when he got home.  I know it is all petty and silly, but I knew I needed him thinking about it to get a yes.  I didn’t expect him to agree to Christmas but maybe Thanksgiving would be an acceptable alternative.  John was all about making you think you were winning but not giving you what you want.  I would shoot for a week-long trip at Christmas, and he would definitely counter with 2-3 days at Thanksgiving.  Anything between those two options would give me what I needed to put my plan into action.

I even sunk to new lows.  I emailed Marie, John’s mother, and suggested it would be so nice to be together for the holidays.  That I missed my nieces and nephew and all their excitement at the gifts under the tree and of course I missed Marie’s wonderful cooking.  Marie does not cook.  She orders food from very expensive restaurants and moves the food over to her own serving dishes and pans.  It all very secretive and funny and we all go along with it to make her happy.

I see John groan a couple times when he answers his phone at night.  I know it is his mother.  I am not worried that she will tell on me.  She’ll want this to be her idea not mine.  But since I am agreeable to it, she will put the full court press on him.  Marie is a nice enough person.  She is selfish and vain, but she always wants her family with her on the holidays.  I like to pretend it is because she so dearly loves them, but I think the real reason is it looks good to all her friends.  Appearances are important to Marie.  It is the reason she has never really liked me.  I am not one of her friends’ daughters.  She can’t control me and manipulate me like she can John’s brother’s wife.  John pushes me around, but she never could.  I am not a carbon copy of her in looks or attitude.

John is home early one night, and we are sitting down for dinner.  I know that it is time to push on my end.  “I was thinking about the holidays coming up?”

John groans and looks at me, “My mom called you?”

“No, but we have exchanged a few emails.”

He nods and looks back down at his plate. “I can’t take off 2 weeks to make her family Christmas plans come true.”

I pout at him, “I understand.  It’s just I am missing my family.  Maybe I can ask them to come visit us?”

“No,” he shouts and then he calms down and pretends to think about what is going on. “Maybe I can take off a few days for the holidays.”

“A week at Christmas would be lovely.  The food, the kids, the lights.  All of us together again.  Your parents are close enough, maybe my family can visit for a couple of days.”

“I was thinking Thanksgiving and since it’s in the middle of the week, it would be hard for your family to come up for just one day.  But we can leave here on Tuesday stay till Friday and head back here so you can start decorating over the weekend and then we can have a quiet peaceful Christmas just the two us, like always.” 

I pout again, because I know he is expecting it. Then I look down at my plate and sulk a little more for good measures.  Finally, I look up at him and agree to his plan.  He looks so happy, and he promises me to make this the best Christmas ever.  He excuses himself from the table and disappears into his office.  My guess to make phone calls and confirm plans.