My Bride, My Enemy: Iona. (RomCom)

FOUR

A human unicorn.

That was the first thing that came to Gil’s mind when the next person stepped into the bar. Gerardo’s Bar and Grill, iyon ang nakita niyang pangalan ng bar sa menu.

Now back to the unicorn, who wasn’t really a unicorn. It was his personal assistant, Armie. Real name: Armando Quintana.

Armie was already sitting in front of him, absentmindedly running a hand through his silver-and-pink hair.

“I have a date,” anito nang mapansin na pinapasadahan niya ito ng tingin. His PA looked like a walking glitter bomb.

“Yeah, I can see that,” nakangisi niyang turan. “Let me guess, another Tinder experiment?”

Armie pouted and took something out of his bag: a few folded bills and the keys to Gil’s BMW. Gil had asked him to bring the car from the condo.

“Sabi ni Monet from the front desk, pumunta raw doon ang mommy mo kanina,” patuloy ni Armie. “With a witch. Gil, nababaliw na talaga ang nanay mo, no offense. Talaga bang ipapakasal ka niya sa bruhang iyon? I’m prettier than her, come on.”

“Of course you are.” And that was a fact. Mestizo si Armie, sharp-featured, hindi na kailangan ng anumang enhancements. He was one of those gay men who didn’t want to wear dresses or undergo transition, but he was vain about his hair routine.

“If I could, ikaw na lang pakakasalan ko,” aniya na ikinasimangot ng kaibigan.

“Oh, please. Hindi kita type, Gullermo. Besides, I like my job. You’re off-limits. Who knows kung anong puwedeng gawin sa’kin ni Mommy Cora kapag pinatos ko ang golden boy niya.”

Gil chuckled. Mommy Cora, the queen of their talent agency, had one iron rule: Don’t s**t where you eat.

Nawala ang ngiti niya nang maalala ang isa pang sinabi ni Armie. Na nagawi sa unit niya ang ina kasama si Tonita. Great. His mother was punishing him again, dragging that witch into his personal space. Now that Tonita knew his address, he’d either need to tighten security or move out altogether.

“So ano na, Gil? What’s the plan?” tanong ni Armie sa pagitan ng pag-apply ng lip balm. “Hindi ka puwedeng ma-involve sa ibang babae dahil may kontrata ka sa network. Might as well go public with Mirasol. Magbubunyi ang fans mo, baka bigyan ka ng malaking bonus ng big bosses. Pagtiisan mo na lang ang ugali.”

Ngising-aso si Gil. On-cam, nag-uumapaw ang chemistry nila ni Mira Soriano but the spark vanished as soon as the camera stops rolling. Marami silang hindi pinagkakasunduan ng ka-loveteam, maraming ugali ito ang hindi niya gusto. She’s a deceiver. An angelic face with a tongue fit for a devil. She’s blunt, rude and arrogant. Sa mata ni Mira, lahat pangit, lahat kapintas-pintas—maliban sa sarili nito. Naalala pa ni Gil ang shock na naramdaman niya noong unang beses na hubarin ni Mira ang maskara nito. Ininsulto sa harap niya ang bagong make-up artist, pinagduduro ang acne marks sa mukha. The poor woman bursted into tears and Gil’s admiration for Mira Soriano popped like a balloon.

Come to think of it, Mira and the Buena sisters were made of the same materials. Hindi na siya mabibigla kung malalaman niyang long-lost sister nina Tonita at Marina si Mira.

“Mira’s out of the options,” he said flatly. “I’ll get married before I turn thirty. But not for love. I’ll hire a bride.”

Napakurap si Armie. “Like Timothy?”

Gil shrugged. “Why not? Look at him. He’s happy. I want you to help me.”

Napahawak ito sa dibdib, nasa anyo ang shock. “Gusto kitang tulungan, I swear, pero hindi talaga kita type. Ayoko sa lalaking mukhang labanos. Di kita pakakasalan—aw!”

Sinipa niya ito sa ilalim ng mesa. “I’m serious.”

“Fine, fine. Ano’ng gusto mong gawin ko, Kamahalan?”

“Find me a bride. A hired bride. Someone who can keep a secret.”

“Oh, gusto mo ng piping bride?”

“No. Just one who knows how to shut up. Not too smart, not too stupid. Preferably desperate for money or desperate to get married, like me.”

Naningkit ang mga mata ng kaharap. “Averaged IQ na babaeng desperadang mukhang pera. Alam mo kung saan marami n’on? Sa K-dramas, sa romance paperbacks. In other words, sa fictional world. Ang hirap ng ipinapahanap mo, Guillermo.”

“Trip to Iceland,” mabilis niyang sabi. “All expenses paid kapag nakahanap ka.”

Armie’s eyes sparkled, this time, not from the glittery eyeshadows. “My gosh, wala na bang mas mahirap pang task? So easy naman. Don’t worry, okay? I’ll find you that bride. Chillax ka lang,” kambiyo nito. “Trip for two ang Iceland, ha?”

“Trip for five pa,” aniya, dinampot ang baso ng whisky at sinaid ang laman.

Nagpaalam na si Armie nang sunod-sunod na tumunog ang cellphone nito. Naghihintay na raw ang Tinder date nito. Nagpaiwan siya sa bar, um-order ng panibagong pulutan. He sent another text to Yvo. And that was when he felt it, like a prickling at the back of his neck.

Someone was watching him.

Lumingon siya. Isang tao lang ang nakita niyang naroon. A woman with curly hair. Isa sa pumasok na customer kanina. Mabilis itong nagbawi ng tingin at inilipat ang mga mata sa menu at animo’y seryosong-seryoso na binabasa ang mga nakasulat doon.

Gil smiled faintly. The menu was upside-down.