Dangerous To Love

Chapter 4

The next morning, I got up earlier than Kyle. I haven't slept so well, I have been thinking about Leo's words. How could I blame Kyle? How could I be mad at him for not telling me everything. I know what I said yes to when we started this relationship. And Kyle tries. Damn, he tries so hard. But he has a side that I will never fully get to know. And it's alright. It's his side that I don't really wanna know better too. Sometimes when I see that side, I feel uncomfortable. I know Kyle can be cold and ruthless, but he manages to control himself. I was thinking about him until he had woken up. I was working in bed, since 5 am and it was around 8. He didn't want me to work but I felt myself terrible. I hate to be injured, I hate to be taken care of, sometimes I just hate attention. I am so annoyed as well and felt anger. Memories from those times just came back when I had serious depression. It started with anger. I tried to control it and hope for the best that Kyle doesn't recognise it.

"Heey beautiful. Awake this early? What are you doing?" He was sleepy but looked amazing. I love this man. So much.

"Morning. I wanted to work a bit. You go to the office today?" I hoped he says yes. I wanted to be with him, but he has a serious job to handle.  And I need some time alone to let me work and heal and just get over my anxiety.   He is so supportive, but I need to try out standing on my own feet too. Not just collapse when he leaves me alone. 

"Maybe later. We need to go to a doctor. Your head needs to be examined.  "

I clearly didn't want another doctor visit.  I hate that.  I have to avoid seeing a doctor.

"There's no use for it really.  I don't feel that bad.  I don't need more meds.  And you don't need more time off. I will rest. And in a few days, go back to work. " He doesn't seem so happy. But he knows how stubborn I am.

"Don't start this over again Natasha. You have some serious problems what you should finally acknowledge and let a doctor examine why you have so many headaches. You could really hit your head badly and just not realise the pain because of the shock. And you really want to go back to work and make me leave you alone at home when you have serious balance problems? You must be joking."

I felt pain in his voice. And of course, guilt. But the problem is with my anger now. It's just boiling inside of me because of being unable to do anything, to normally take care of myself. I had enough. I was nearly shouting.

"No, I’m not joking. Just trying to make sense. You should do what you have to do and work because if I won't let you, than I will lose you for weeks because of your overwork that should be done. I must take care of myself. And I don't want another doctor. I don't want to feel pain, I don't want to be the one that everyone's sorry for, I just wanna be f*****g alone. "

He came closer, now he could absolutely feel my tension. I was embracing myself with my hands, making little rhythmical movements to calm me down. Those medicines could calm me down. But in only 3 days, they could absolutely damage my emotion control.

"What's wrong? Natasha don't push me away. Let me help."

Now I could feel that he is worried. He can't recognise me. He doesn't know this protecting mode that I built up against everyone.

"Just let me be alone Kyle. Do what you have to do. I will be fine. I have work to do. And you have too. And now I know what kind of work you are pushing away just to take care of me, I couldn't feel worse."

"You don't have to feel bad. You worth a lot to me. And you always seem to forget it. You are always talking about yourself like you would be worthless. But you mean the world to me. I have never loved anyone. I have never been worried for anyone. Never took care of someone. Don't make me go away. Just come to see the doctor okay. And we will solve everything. "

He was begging me. But I know well that I am not in a state of giving in. 

"Go to your office. We'll talk in the afternoon. I'll be fine. "

"You will be seen by a doctor if not now than later in the afternoon. If you really want me to go in, than you will be in close contact with me, telling me when you feel bad or pain, right? I am not making an argument about it. I would be glad if someone would look after you while I am not here. "

I should be feeling better, but I just got angrier. He just thinks that I am a child that needs to be taken care of.

"I am not a child. I don't need anyone. I will be just fine by myself. Don't argue. Just do what you have to. "

I hurt him. I never wanted to. He stands up and leaves the room. In 10 minutes, he is back fully dressed and just telling me goodbye.

"Take care. I'll be back around 3 for the doctor appointment. Don't be stubborn, it’s a 100% sure that I will take you to him. Rest and call me if you need anything. " And he just left the room. I clearly hurt him. But I need to be alone. I need to be working. I need to get my mind off of things that happened to me. I know I can't handle them.