Dangerous To Love

Chapter 18

Kyle's POV.

The evening was the best in this hell of a week so far. She looked so peaceful and joyful. But of course, it didn't last long. She finally ate something thanks to the pizza order and watched more than half of the show and then fell asleep. But she looked like she could relax a bit. Tomorrow will be hard for her as well as for me. I am trying my best to be next to her but as I told her I can only help if she lets me. I hoped that her peace remains for tomorrow, but I had to be wrong again. I woke up at the middle of the night for her cause she was having a bad nightmare.

"Shhh.. calm down baby, I am here right next to you. Everything's alright."

I tried to embrace her cause she was tossing in bed and crying. It wasn't easy to wake her up. This depression doesn't let her be free. Whenever she gets better, it invades her in her dreams.

When she finally wakes up, she hugs me as tight as she can. She is terrified.

"Calm down love. Please try to calm down. You are scaring me. Tell me what it was”.

I am really scared for her. I know she is stressed but she never had a nightmare like this before.

As she slowly got better, she needed to breathe slower as well, and she started to talk finally:

"It was terrible. The accident all over again. And all the memories after. I am afraid Kyle. I don't want any of these feelings back in my life. I don't want to be weak again and I am terrified of even the thought of the hospital."

I could guess that tomorrow can be responsible for her state, but it really scares me as well that she is this afraid. I could calm her a bit by just caressing her hair and her neck and holding her tight.

"I am here Natasha. You must lean on me. You are not able to carry this alone. But you are still trying to. You need to strengthen yourself, but it will only happen if you let us help you. "

As I was embracing her, I felt that her forehead is extremely hot.

"Let me measure your temperature."

She has a fever. Again. She is dealing with so much mental problems that it puts a pressure on her physical state as well. Tomorrow won't end the best as I can guess. She shouldn't have a fever now at this point. But I am not making predictions.

I put an extra blanket onto her and let her snuggle to me and I watch and caress her as she hardly falls asleep again.

It is 6 am already. She had her nightmare around 1 at night but she wasn't ready to fall asleep for a long time. And after she could finally fall asleep, I couldn't. I was terrified for her. Maybe I slept 2 hours maximum but that was all I could get this night. But I am not complaining. I wanted to be next to her and make her sleep as peaceful as I could.

James expected us around 9 so at 8 I had to wake her to try to get her eat something and get ready. Of course, she couldn't eat anything, but I put a chocolate bar and some water into her handbag in case she gets sick.

She is extremely anxious of course but I can see that she's trying.

When we arrive at the hospital, she doesn't say a word. She hasn't said anything on the way here either. She is scaring me and looks like she's on edge.

"I am here babe. I won't leave you. Not even if you have to stay. I will stay with you no matter what. Just don't shut me out. Like you are doing now. You promised me, remember?"

She finally answered me:

"I am sorry Kyle. Yes, I promised. But it's not something I can control. It got out of my hands. It controls me. Fear and anxiety control me all over again. I don't know what to do. I just don't wanna stay here, don't wanna go in. "

"I know sweetheart. I know. And I would be the happiest to tell you what to do but I just can't. All I can tell you is that you must accept whatever happens and not run away from it. If you have to stay in, you must accept it that it's for your safety and wellbeing.  And believe me that I will stay with you okay? Everything has a reason. And we must always accept the situations because they have a role in our lives. Let's say today's role is to make you overcome some of your fears. I know this won't just work out a 100% that's for sure. And you shouldn't believe either that you will go in and forget that you ever felt fear. No. It won't be like that. And you know that. That's why you are afraid. You need to know that I don't expect you to be fearless and I definitely don't expect you to not be on edge. Cause we all have a limit how many steps can we take at once. And you expect too much from yourself. So, let's just say we are trying right? One step is enough for today. Try not to concentrate on all the surroundings that screams that it's a hospital. And breathe slowly and try to avoid a panic attack. That's all I ask for today. Tell me when you feel that it slipped out of your control. "

She nodded and already looked a bit calmer.

I myself know as well that depression is strongly connected to control.

Depression is not something that leaves you after a bad day. The awful illness that we are speaking about is not the same as having a bad day.

It's like you can have your worst day any minute and don't know how long it will last no matter what anyone is doing around you. If you even let anyone get close. And it is about control. That you must control your emotions 24/7 cause if the bad ones slip out of your hand, you feel it a hundred times worse that the reality.

The negative emotions become stronger, the positives weaker and not so long lasting. And when you are not in balance with the negative and the positive. That’s when s**t starts. So, you always have to control the negatives to keep somewhat of a balance.

And she needs a lot of help. Cause she lost all the control. And that's why good things seem like memories from the past, and she feels like she's not having any good moments in her days.

It's hard. I am tired. I really wanna be next to her and I am trying so hard. But everyone must know that's it's not easy for the ones around that someone who is dealing with depression as well.

I need to be on alert all the time what I can say and how I can say it not to hurt her. Cause everything that can have a little hurtful meaning, she will hear that out. She is so sensitive to it that she feels the whole world is against her. And the s**t is that it's not her who thinks it. It's depression that's making her believe that. And day by day, she is believing it more and more. Until it will become her own self that will think that she is alone.

I don't let that happen. Not a chance.

We will go through this together.

As we enter the building, I immediately grab her hand and try to rush to James' office.

She is pale and a little shaky but holds it together. I am so proud of her.

James is as cheerful as always which calms me down a bit. I need to calm down too.

"Hey. Hello Kyle, Natasha. Good to see you again. How are you gorgeous? "

He is smiling to Natasha, and she gives him a weak smile in return.

"Better but not the best. But guess you will find out soon. "

James did all the examinations, the same as we had some days ago. We told him everything about the fevers, the headaches still and he did seemed worried.

When he finished, he came to me first until Natasha was out of hearing sight.

"I am really sorry Kyle. I must say that the medicines did help her but far less than enough. I have no other choice but to make her stay in."

"For how long?" I was worried for her but more for the situation how to tell her that she must stay.

"Some days. Can't really predict beforehand. Maybe 3 or 4 days. I have no other choice. I risked too much until this point and it doesn't have the results we waited for. So, she needs a higher dosage which is only safe when she is under hospital care. She needs to be monitored all the time cause it looks more serious than before. But as you said, she had a serious car accident earlier so she may had some brain problems as well that wasn't handled well. So, it's for her safety but you know that. Of course, she will have a private room and you can stay with her 24/7. Hopefully, that will help her anxiety and panic attacks as well, but I must tell you that if she gets too stressed we must give her meds to calm her down. And I know it's not good for her progress so far against her depression. So, try to calm her as much as you can. "

"I am trying James. Thanks for doing all this and taking care of Natasha. I hope you will get to know her in a better situation as well. "

"Of course, Kyle. After you are over this, we will be having a nice dinner together with you and my beautiful wife, Julia. So, I am not planning on never talking to you again. Work is work, friendship is friendship. And you know it well too. So, you try to hold on for the awesome girl. I promise to try my best too. "

I thanked James and headed towards my love, but she could feel that it's not the best news.

She started crying silently and it was not an awful sign, she doesn't rage or get hysterical.

"I'll tell you everything right? We will sit down and talk baby, just hold on please. " With that, I kissed her forehead and lead her to her room.

It was the best room in the private area, James didn't disappoint me.

I had her to sit down on the bed that will be hers for days now and she is starting to calm down by making repetitive movements. I won't stop her from doing that. If that calms her down, I let it.

I need to call Jade and Leo. I need their help. But I wait as long as Natasha calms down and hell knows how but falls asleep.

" Jade. I need your help. Natasha has to stay in, and she needs some stuff. Can you come home with me and pack her things? I don't know what she will need. I am so bad at this." I just realised that I am on edge too.

But Jade calms me down surprisingly:

" It's okay Kyle, calm down. Of course, I help you. What about her?"

"I need to call Leo to come and be next to her while I am not. I am so afraid that she will lose it when I am not next to her. But maybe Leo can calm her as well. "

"I am sure about that Kyle. Text me when should we meet if you arranged everything with Leo.

As she hung up, I immediately called Leo as well.

It wasn't a surprise for both of them cause they knew that we are coming for this appointment today.

"Hello Leo. It's Kyle. Natasha needs to stay in for some more days. I must get her stuff. Could you help me and be next to her till I get back?"

Leo almost immediately answered.

"Of course. Which part are you in? Room number?"

"The new neurological building, the private part, room 147. Thanks Leo. I owe you a lot."

"It's nothing. I would do anything for her. I'll be there in half an hour. "

And Leo was there in half an hour as well. We spoke for a bit about Natasha's state and her mental state as well before falling asleep, so Leo is prepared that maybe she needs to calm Natasha down. But she is more expert than me in that field.

I quickly text Jade to meet in 15 minutes and I am thinking on everything that I can get for Natasha to make her stay bearable for her.

I do everything for her.

I quickly leave the building to be as quick as possible and hope for the best that Leo can comfort Natasha while I can't.

Please God, let us survive this.