Love From A Distance

Chapter 17 Latching

Millicent's POV

I sat there thinking about his question.. 'is there anything else to discuss?' I feel like I should automatically say no.. because I have discussed everything with him that I intended to discuss while here.. which was overwhelming for me.. But luckily for me, he doesn't even look remotely phased by my information, which honestly makes me feel a little better. Maybe he has seen worse.. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.. But as I think about his question, it starts to really nag at me for some reason. I don't feel like this is it.. I feel like I have so much more to say.. But what? My mind seems to be blank when I think about that question for myself. What do I need to ask?

My eyes glance around the room that still has a comforting tone to it, even though I have been in here for some bad times and already have stressful moments associated with this place.. But it still somehow feels better for my sanity to be here, when I thought for so long it would make me feel worse to be in here talking with him.. Maybe this room is becoming a safe place for me to share how I really feel.. Which is amazing but a little scary. Did this visit just automatically make me a person who comes to the therapist and wants to be there? I think so.. and for once, that feels ok.

I looked at him as he scribbled away for a second on his little notepad that almost fits in just the clutches of one hand, but slightly big enough that he does need two to comfortably hold it and write. He glances up at me with his warm caramel-colored eyes that are very inviting for not just me, but probably everyone who enters this room. My eyes take in all the nice features that make me automatically feel welcome in his presence.

From his bright smile, that is so warm and part of the reason he looks so inviting. To the smooth sound of his baritone voice that lulls out from those plump lips no matter what he is saying. I know he is not just soothing my internal beasts with that amazing song of a voice, but everyone's. Accompanied by his calm demeanor, making me think that nothing would phase this man, even in stressful moments. He looks and sounds so calm and collected that I find myself almost envious of this.

I'm begging for help from the man who probably has his whole life together, with a proper place and label for everything. Or at least that's what I would assume from the way his office looks. But maybe that's all the reason I need to come talk to him, and eventually a mess like myself can see the light at the end of this very dark path. Maybe I need someone who has their entire life together to help me figure out mine.

No matter how much better he probably is than me, he still makes me feel wanted and not a burden whatsoever. There is an ease that's automatically weaved between each of his words, making me feel better, even if it's just a little bit. I observe as he reaches up and pushes the little bit of dark hair out of his eyes. The same eyes that have never seemed to leave mine.. making this silent moment almost intimate.

But as we share our matched gaze for a very comfortable moment to ourselves, I start to feel an unexpected attraction towards him filling my heart.. not anything I ever expected or even wanted to come from this deep conversation, but lots of connections are based on trauma.. Even if the trauma is just mine to bare.

I clear my throat out of anxiousness about these feelings, while looking away, trying to break this almost hypnotizing gaze.. I'm not desperate or looking for any type of relationship or affection.. I promise these feelings are unwanted, but I can't help the way my body feels automatically. I know that's not appropriate at all and I don't need to be reminded.. I feel bad enough about my feelings as it is.. But somehow, the fact that this man has heard a ton of crazy things going on in my life and doesn't look terrified or think I'm an i***t just yet, starts to build a bond between us.

It's like when you start to build bonds with people you work with, from the good and bad experiences that you endured together. No one can take away those moments and sometimes that's what makes us who we are today.. Those special relationships are appreciated, but not acted on, at least not in my case. But that doesn't make the bond any more dull.. It makes it stronger, if anything, because the bond will get stronger as time goes on.. and hopefully, help get me out of this funk.

I figured out pretty quickly that I didn't want to leave.. I don't want to face my hard realities outside these walls just yet.. I need another moment of calming. My eyes have a mind of their own as they fall back on him, sitting straight up in his large chair that somehow looks small underneath him. He grins at me, causing me to blush as I quickly put the attention to something else. "May I ask what you're writing?" I softly asked him, almost embarrassed about it, because what could he be writing? Maybe judging me completely on paper and making sure to keep it off of his features for my sanity and probably his safety, I would assume.

"I make sure to write down particular things that help remind me of what has been said.. some are just words and some are phrases.. But my memory recalls me all about the different sorts of details when I look at that word.. So my recollection has the little bit of help it needs to be almost impenetrable after all the years of practice. I have a photographic memory and I test my memory every day to make sure it's staying up to par." He explains, but this still confuses me.

"So, what words did you write about me? And.. What kind of things do you do to test your memory?" I curiously asked, because of everything that has happened today, I might need all the help I can get, even if it's daily testing for myself. I have been questioning my sanity all day, especially with the questionable looks sent my way with every little thing happening around me today.

He cleared his throat before replying. "The first word I put was latching." My eyebrows furrow more together than I ever thought. "Latching?" I asked with so much question, accompanied by a tinge of attitude.. because I assume he is judging me.. but isn't that the point of his job? To judge, then hopefully help fix it?

"Yes.. latching.. You're afraid to be on your own.. questioning your sanity and always wanting a type of approval and affection like any of us do.. You're not getting what you need from your husband, who is supposed to give you that type of attention.. So you're latching yourself to what you think is the better option of mate, to make sure that you're never alone and unloved again. But sometimes being alone is what we need to truly love ourselves the way we deserve." He declares as I notice my mouth is agape like I never imagined. If I were a cartoon, my jaw would hit the floor.

"So if I understand this correctly, you're saying that I'm just LATCHING myself to Aiden for loving support that I have been craving, but that I don't actually need him, I only need my love for myself?" I try to clarify, even though I'm pretty sure I understand what he is saying. He nods automatically before retorting. "You're just looking for love and affection you have been missing out on and you have chosen a great looking male. That is friends with the both of you, so you know that the two of you get along.. and it sounds like you might see him often in your current situation, so he isn't anything new and unknown.. He is a comfortable choice.. So he seems like a logical suit for your needs.. But in most cases, especially after divorce, the first relationship clung to, will normally end pretty quickly, not being what you actually need." he states as if it should be obvious, and now that he has said it.. it looks almost obvious.

"So you're implying that Aiden would only be a rebound to me?" I ask as he nods. I huff out sitting forward as I lay my face into my hands, to try to make it feel better, but of course it doesn't. I don't want to hurt Aiden.. I have wanted to be with him for so long that I would hate to do anything to destroy the amazing relationship we have.. He is the one person I feel like I can depend on to be honest and helpful with me.

I look up at Ashton, who is intentently looking at me as I state. "But.. I feel like I love Aiden... he has been everything I have wanted for so long.. The looks, the tenderness, the smarts, the independence in taking care of himself every way possible.. everything I have wanted in a partner.. it does help that he is a great looking friend as well.. But that's not the deciding factor."

"Of course you feel like that.. because you're looking at all of your husband's short comings and this man seems to fit the bill because he is the complete opposite... that doesn't mean for one second that you need him or any other man at this point. Maybe you just need to figure out what you like to do and what makes you happy, then bring a man.. or woman in, to help seal in the happiness. You shouldn't be bringing in people to make you happy.. you can create your own happiness.. No one else can do that for you, only you can do that.. you determine what makes you happy, sad, mad.. only you can do that." He explains to me and maybe he is right.. Maybe I just need to be alone for the moment.. But how do I do that?