Living in the Shadows

"In the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself." – Deepak Chopra (I love You Always Forever by Donna Lewis playing) “Take care of the boys for me, I’ll be in touch,” I uttered, holding back my tears. “Are you sure you don’t want me and the boys to drop you off at the airport?” Arthur said. “I can take care of myself,” I replied softly. I leaned forward a little bit and left a peck on his cheek, he tried holding my hand, but I quickly grabbed my luggage bag’s handle and headed to the door. As I board the plane going to Los Angeles, a flashback runs inside my head. It is like looking back at the last decade of my life. This trip could be just a quick break from all the cluttered thoughts and confusing feelings I have for now. Or could this be goodbye for real? Maybe a time for me to breathe. To go over things and to sort out everything. I am hoping to be a better version of myself once I come back. My heart is racing. My heart is aching. But we do not know what lies ahead of us. The first step might be difficult, but I know that this is where I have to be. Let me tell you my story. I am Maria Cristina Gomez Johnson. Born in Sydney, Australia to a Filipino mother and an Australian father. Being an only child, I used to get everything I wanted. My parents never fail to make me feel I am their world and I can be anything or anyone I want to be. I felt so loved back then. I could say that I had an amazing childhood back in Australia. Some people would mistake me as half-Indian because of my deep-set eyes which I got from my mum. I inherited my curly hair from her too. I love my Asian genes, as I always stand out in the crowd and would always get noticed for my beautiful eyes. I love my Australian genes as well because I got my towering height, green-hazel eyes, brown hair, and pointed nose from my Dad. I am not that fair-skinned, but not too tan either. I just love my pinkish skin all in all. God blessed me with great genes, and I love both sides of it. Growing up, my parents were really workaholics. My Nan, Dad's mum, used to take care of me when we lived in Sydney. After Nan died, Dad decided to pursue his first love, which is cooking, so we had to move to Melbourne. On the other hand, Mum used to work for an insurance agency back in Sydney. She really did not like the idea of moving to Melbourne. I think that really made their marriage shaky. Before she and Dad finalized their divorce, she was already an established career woman. After a few years of my parents' divorce, my mum and I had to move to the Philippines so she could be with Nanay, my maternal grandmother. She was ill and all she wanted was to be with her children for the remaining days of her life. I was 17 and just completed my year 12, so young and naive. I had no choice as I couldn't be left alone in Australia with my dad. “My Macky, no matter what happens, you will always be my baby. My little Macky-poo who likes swings, flowers, my cakes, and pasta, my baby, who is very cheerful and has a contagious smile.” Dad said before he closed my bedroom door. I could sense his sadness as he walked out of my bedroom. I am leaving my father with a heavy heart. “Everything happens for a reason, honey.” Mum would always tell me. “You should be strong, you won’t last long in this world if you continue to be a softie. Everyone should learn how to survive in this world. This is not a kind one. Trust me.” Mum coldly uttered these words, as we packed our bags. We are about to leave Australia in a week. I will miss my friends here. All my life, this is the place I’ve lived, the people I’ve been with. But who am I to talk about life? I was just a girl in my adolescent years. In western culture, I am almost an adult. But that is not the case with my life. For Mum and Dad, I am still their baby. I am still Asian, so my mum still thinks I am still a child. She thinks that dad can't take care of me with his busy schedule and being so swamped with his business. At that time, we already had 2 restaurants in Victoria which were doing pretty well. “Le Petite Fleur, just like my Macky, my little flower,” I remember vividly while they hung the signage at the top of the front door of our first restaurant. Dad’s specialties are pastries and pasta. Oh! I love his cakes! People would often compliment my figure and tell me that I am blessed that I do not gain so much weight even though I eat so many carbs. My friends love to hang out in our restaurant. After school, we often hang out there and eat sweets, of course, for free! Perks of having our own restaurant. Dad is really good at his craft. “Always give your 100% in everything that you do my Macky-poo. Pour your heart into it, and everything else will follow. Fame and money are just bonuses. But being happy with what you do, giving your best, making people happy with your craft should be your number one goal.” My Dad would always tell me and my friends as we enjoyed our cakes. At this point in my life, I am not really sure what I would like to become in the future. I am not sure if I should follow in my father’s footsteps in the culinary space, be a restaurateur, or be a career woman just like Mum. Should I be that busy with my life? “Passion, career, money, direction, ADULTING! Am I ready for all of these?” I puffed out my cheeks and let out a lungful of steamy breath as I imagined what I really wanted to become. It seems like my life is always laid back in Australia. Just happy, full of laughter, and always full of love. I am truly grateful to be blessed with these people who love me. I always thank God for giving me such a good crowd. And this really saddens me. I’ve bawled my eyes out thinking that I need to leave and live in another country. I have no choice but to accept the fact that I would have to start a new life in a new world. (July by Noah Cyrus playing) Mum told me that there are a lot of great universities in the Philippines which I can choose from, so I should not worry about getting into college. "Blue, green, yellow, maroon? Ugh, didn't know choosing a school would be this difficult." I told myself as I read the letters from those universities. All are so competitive and, based on reviews, all are good institutions. I didn't expect that I would pass all their admissions exams! Who would have thought that I was not just eye candy, eh? I really want to choose maroon, but I heard so much about the professors. Will I still have time to go out? How would I even find my true love if my nose was stuck under a pile of papers and books? I gave out a deep sigh. Mum told me to know what I love, and what I want inside my heart. So that I do not have to feel like I am being dragged into studying. She told me to pursue my dreams. To do what I want and what I love. But... I only dream of getting married! thoughts in my head as I cover my face with my favorite Hello Kitty pillow. "Silly girl, haaaay Maria Cristina! Come to your senses, you girl! You should study and establish a career before getting married!" talking to myself like a crazy lady. The phone rang and I heard my dad's voice as soon as I picked up. "Daaaad! I miss you so much! It is sooooooo hot here. I miss Australia already. I wanna go back there and eat all the good stuff you cook. I miss you so much!" all in one breath. "Oh honey, my baby, I miss you too. How are your college entrance exams? I wanna hear all about it!" Dad sounded tired, but we talked on the phone for hours, not minding that it was a long-distance call. I just love him. I love my father so much that my heart aches every time I think of him being a thousand miles away. Could this be my first heartbreak? Is this what being broken-hearted feels like? thoughts in my head as he tells me stories about how his day went, how Australia is, how our restaurants are doing, how my friends back there are, and stories about the people I used to see and used to know. "I love you my Macky-poo, you will always be my precious gem no one can ever replace." The last words I heard before I hit the sack. "I love you Dad, stay safe always." As I put down the phone receiver. I miss my old life, the outback life in the land down under. But mum would always tell me that change is inevitable. It is the only constant thing in this world. (To be with you by Sara Groves playing)