Celebrating our 12 year anniversary December 25th this story is called a better us

The only thing more exhausting than getting no sleep is the attempt to get that sleep. Your eyes have stayed shut for- well, you don't want to end the streak by opening them just to check the time. If they've been closed for as long as you think, then surly you'll fall asleep any minute now! Yeah, that's totally worked out in the past. You crack your eyes open and the popcorn ceiling greets you with melting and shifting faces. It feels like all the sleepless nights have come back to laugh at you in the form of shadows. You even hear one of them giggle sharply and your hands twitch in response. Blinking, you turn your eyes to your phone to check the time. A little past 3 am. You groan softly and decide to roll out of bed in an attempt to shed some energy. Maybe eating will help? Padding down the hallway the floorboards of your apartment creak. You wonder if anyone downstairs hears you or perhaps feeling the same crushing sleeplessness. The college students and stoners must feel some sort of spiritual connection. In the kitchen you see a pan of shepherds pie, half eaten and uncovered. The boys must've had a nice meal. At first, you don’t give the dish a second thought and open the fridge to grab the food you saved from work, but it catches your eye as you straighten yourself and close the refrigerator door, leaving the other leftovers behind. Shrugging, you grab a paper plate from the stack on the counter and cut yourself a piece before nuking it. You pour a short glass of milk to wash it down then pause in the doorway of the kitchen. Normally when your emotions became like this and you teetered on the edge of dissociation, the dining room table became your safe space. Tonight it was cluttered with the collective belongings of your roommates. You looked into the living room where the couch was covered in more of the same. The floor it is, then. Luckily the coffee table sat in front of the couch, clean and organized. You placed your plate and milk on it and softly plopped yourself in the space between it and the couch, as if slotting yourself on the bench of the dining room table. You sat for a moment, trying to ground yourself as you felt the world slip around you. The smell of food became apparent and nausea flooded your system. You thought about how long it had been since you'd last eaten, and that was 6 hours ago at work. With a great deal of effort, you picked up the fork and placed it in your mouth. The taste reminded you of raw sewage. Chewing it slowly and swallowing, you stared at the empty entertainment stand, trying to focus on something. A wave of heat rushed over you. God, it couldn't be that hot in here, could it? You shut your eyes and tried to breathe. Breathe. Breathe- "Mother of pearl!" Said a soft voice as a door opened down the hall. Your stomach rolled with a wave of nauseous dread. From the darkness of the hallway one of your roommates, Amare, appeared. He was dressed for work, no doubt ready to dive into his twelve hour shift at the warehouse. He stopped, almost shocked to see you folded between the couch and coffee table. "What are you doing up this early?" You shove down the anger that bubbles in your chest. "I think you mean what am I doing up this late." "Sure, but that doesn't answer my question." "Can't sleep." You took another bite to punctuate the point, but couldn't find the strength to swallow. Every muscle in your mouth moved to eject it. "I know how that goes." He ducked into the kitchen, quickly ending the conversation. The silence made you uneasy now that there was another person with you. "You heading into work?" You raised your voice a bit to reach him in the kitchen. He didn't respond, but you heard a faint giggle in the back of your head. "Why are you shouting?" "What?" A door closed at the end of the hallway and Amare comes forward, again? "You're yelling," he hisses, "keep it down unless you want to hear it from Jay." He brushed past you and into the kitchen, flipping on the light and shuffling k-cups to find his breakfast blend. "So, you... You weren't-" "What? What about me?" "I was... I was just talking to you- So how..." Amare snapped the lid of the coffee maker shut and the mellow sound of boiling water became a raging fire between your ears. He rounded the corner and sat across from you on the living room floor. He didn't speak for a moment, electing to simply stare at "How long have you been unable to sleep?" He breaks the silence. "Only a few days." "Have you been able to sleep at all?" The faces in the ceiling laughed when you try to search your brain for the answer. "Not really, no." Amare didn't respond for a moment. Several moments. Several minuets. The coffee maker squeezed out the last of his morning brew. "Coffee?" You shook your head as a lump rose in your throat. He stood and rounded back into the kitchen. You took the opportunity to gulp down the glass of milk in hopes of pushing down your feelings. Amare returned as you wipe the 'stash, taking his spot across from you and sliding over a warm mug. "I said I didn't want any." "It made more than I wanted. You should have some." "Won't this be, I dunno, counterproductive?" You spit- then take a breath. He didn't need to be on the end of your irritability just because you don't know how to close your eyes for long enough. Amare shrugged. "Has anything else worked out for you so far?" Your eyes turned down to the coffee table, understanding the point, and you both took a sip of the steaming liquid. His usual concoction of sugar and various creamers coated your tongue, washing away the rancid taste of milk, mashed potato, and corn. Maybe in another life you enjoyed this; Getting up first thing in the morning, preparing breakfast and coffee to start your day off right. Maybe sharing it with a partner or pet that woke up just as early. You would enjoy the sunrise and plan out your days, maybe get a start on the things you want to do in life. But your life is here. Kept awake by your own unhealthy body that rejected most sustenance and found fear in the most simple things. Wracked with anxiety and high on sleepless nights. What's keeping you going at this point? "How is it? Sweet enough for you?" You could only nod as a tear slipped down your cheek. Years ago he would've reached over to wipe it away with a gentle thumb. Today he simply handed you a tissue and looked away. Another piece of your heart breaks for yourself- and Amare. The two of you used to be so close, finding every excuse to hang out together during the day and watching movies and playing video games at night. When you worked together it was easy to find the time. Now he found a better job left you feeling trapped and alone in an environment you hate. Without him, it feels like a personal hell. At work and at home. By the time he came home, you were either asleep (when it blessed you) or out to work for the day. Most times they kept you until after closing, which is the shift you're now stuck with. Yeah, that's what you tell yourself. You continued to take small sips of the coffee as the birds began to wake. Their faint chirps felt like jackhammers to your skull. You glanced over to Amare who also squeezed his eyes shut at the sound. "How'd you sleep?" You ask in an attempt to get away from the sound, and your thoughts. "Huh?" "I said how'd you sleep?" "Fine." Both of you knew there was no point in asking in return. He took another sip. Another bird chirped. You cringed, slid the mug and twice-bitten pie to the side as you folded your arms around yourself, and lay your head on the cold coffee table. On your cheek you felt the fading warmth of the coffee mug and your plate. "I don't know what else I can do." Amare hummed in response then stood up with a pop to his knees. He took your mug and his to the kitchen along with your plate. He stayed in the kitchen while you cried into your own arms. You thought back to the fight you two had almost a year ago. How he told you that you wouldn't amount to anything or become anyone. You told him your parents didn't love him. Of course it was a childish response, but you knew it was your brother's deepest insecurity. He wanted to really see himself make his parents proud. It was his driving force in school, in hobbies, and in work. How would your life change if your house burned down? What if you lost almost everything you owned in one afternoon? That’s what happened to Alison and her son last January. This is her story. Tell us a bit about yourself. My name is Alison. I’m a 41 year-old single mom of a 7 year-old boy living in Boulder, Colorado. I work as a massage therapist, yoga teacher, and embodiment coach. I love to spend time in outdoors and I hike and bike as often as I can. I also enjoy road trips, camping, hot springs, yoga and meditation, dancing, farmer’s markets, writing, good food and drink, and socializing with friends. What was your house like? After years waiting, we received approval in September 2015 to move into a small duplex that we’d always dreamed of renting. It’s located in a safe, quiet neighborhood and I put all my energy into making it beautiful. When the fire happened, we’d only been for for a few months. How did you find out your house was on fire? On January 14, 2016, I did some laundry and then left home to attend a few meetings and to pick up my son from school. Before leaving, I pulled my massage sheets out of the dryer and put them in a laundry basket, intending to fold them when I returned. I returned around 4:00 pm to the sound of a smoke alarm. I could see billows of black smoke pouring out of my kitchen. In a panic, I called 911. What was the fire department’s response? The fire and police department both arrived within 10 minutes. It’s all a bit of a blur, but I do remember the police officers staying with me until the fire was out and the fire chief arrived. I felt that they were my advocates during that process and kept me informed and comfortable. What did you and your son do after the firefighters left? A friend brought us something to eat. We literally just sat in front of our charred home and cried in disbelief. That friend invited my son and I to spend the night at her house. I never fell asleep that night; the unknown was so horrifying and unsettling and I just did not know what was ahead for me. I will always remember lying in my friend’s living room on that air mattress with my son sleeping next to me. How much did you lose in the fire? Between the fire and smoke damage, we lost about 90% of our belongings. We were out of our home for six weeks while it was gutted and remodeled. Walk us through the month after the fire. Unbeknownst to me, on the night of the fire, my friends and family worked together to gather resources and support for us. The day after the fire, a neighbor helped pack up all my damaged possessions and put them in one of his storage spaces until I had the time and energy to go through them. People filtered in and out bearing food, hugs, clothes, toys, and extra hands to help out. pretty girl yeah I know it's hard but keep your head up always look up at the stars no don't look down I believe that you can make it your worth more than you think babygirl you are amazing and I know your damaged yeah I know it hurts but never be afraid to love yourself and put your first this pain is temporary it won't last forever just know your not alone everything will get better